Thursday, July 18, 2013

Shark Week: Sharks in Venice

Hey all you wacky readers and welcome back to yet another installment of the creature feature theme of Shark Week and boy this one is a bit of a doozy.   Imagine if you combine a couple of Spielberg (Lucas not withstanding either) projects and make even less sense than possible. So grab your lost artifacts, scratch your chin with the back of your hand and get ready to dodge a shark and possibly a smooth boulder.   This is Sharks in Venice.

Coming for ya, Richard Dreyfuss.

There are spoilers in Venice??!!!  That is preposterous!

Nu Image Films (Cyborg Cop, Hollow Point, Shark Attack, Alien Hunter, SharkMan and S.S. Doomtrooper) has 1 in 7 chances to creating something thought provoking, captivating and entertaining.   The vibe this time around screams stinker.
Dr. David Franks (Stephen Baldwin of Born on the Fourth of July, The Usual Suspects, Fled, Half Baked and Scar City) an archeologist traveling with his girlfriend Laura (Vanessa Johansson of Shifted, Reservations, Day of the Dead, The Objective and Skavengers) are meeting with the Venetian police to learn what happened to his father.   I am almost certain a long dead crusading knight and a diary are involved.  They travel by boat where David swears he saw the dorsal fin of a shark but as he glances back it was gone so he dismissed it.

The hell is my line?!

Franks and a scuba expert Rossi (Ivaylo Geraskov of Death Train, In Hell, Air Strike, The Russian Specialist and Mercenary for Justice) head underwater to reach a cavern when suddenly an immense shark swims out at attacks the men.  Rossi of course is eaten and Franks barely escapes to the cave with a shoulder injury.   The cave is decked out like the underground tomb in Raiders of the Lost Ark and he has yet another close call to find this vast treasure hoard.  Pocketing a brooch of gold and emerald he heads back to be hospitalized for the end of Act 1.   Seriously the wounds heal up is worthy of Wolverine.  Not goofy enough for ya, yet?   Well why don’t we throw in the Mafia demanding Franks’ undivided loyalty to fetch the treasure or they put two in Laura’s coconut?

Here are just a few of the many things that will annoy even the most average history buff.    Franks goes to his father’s apartment to investigate his death saying the 8th Crusade was financed by Louis the XIV.  That particular crusade was conceived in 1270 three hundred years PRIOR the fair king’s birth.  Somehow the crusaders conquered Crete even though the island was under Venetian rule for more than 70 years.    Solomon’s hoard was brought to Venice on a Spanish Galleon???!!!!  A sea barring vessel 300 years in the future made a time jump to the past???!!   Sounds like a time traveling McGuffin or possibly a kooky Timelord with a quantum generator, a pot noodle and a series of rubber bands.  

Ah I mean.

Worry not readers there are continuity goofs too.   Apparently 2nd Unit Director was allowed all of two streets for a chase scene shot from different angles but you can easily realize how these streets look familiar.   Laura is hauled off in handcuffs by the Mafia goons and then in the cutaway she has rope wrapped around her wrists.  Franks gets his leg bitten off in the first scene and yet it magically appears in the next scene.   Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??!!!!   

  Save your brain cells, eyes and money folks.   This one is NOT a keeper.  Oh final FYI; we see the shark (Title creature) very few times throughout this movie but thank God for that Mafia link or we might have gotten bored.