Leatherface and Family

I’m back again kiddies for another franchise that could have been easily skipped.  Say, did you know the early 70’s really ushered the serial killer movement?  Thrillers like the 1973 Black Christmas, the quadrilogy of The Blind Dead series from Italy but none had quite the impact as the 1974 Tobe Hooper classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.   So gather your friends, have some car trouble and by God investigate like the Scoobies.   This is the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Collection.

Spoilers are people!!!

Now before we dive into this unbridled insanity, let me be clear that this write-up will not be including the remakes.  The original Chainsaw film was loosely based on the exploits of real life serial killer Ed Gein formerly of Wisconsin.  So we change locations and build a bizarre family of cannibalistic, graverobbing nutter butters tormenting teens and making spare ribs.  Doesn’t that sound keen?  Director Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Eaten Alive, Salem’s Lot, Poltergeist, Lifeforce. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Body Bags and Night Terrors) claims in articles and interviews the thought behind his horror Mecca was being swarmed by mass loads of shoppers in a department store during the holidays and the first thing he spied was a chainsaw and how ideal that tool would have been to cut a bloody swath to the exit.  I think we all have had days like that. 

 Five teenagers go on a road trip because their friend and her brother want to pay respect to their grandfather’s grave.   This time it was desecrated with a human skeleton perched on top of the headstone posed like some sick joke. The teens are systematically rubbed out of existence by our villain Leatherface and his demented family.  Only one survivor makes her way from the loony tunes and we assume went into hiding.  Enter a decade of abject silence other than did you see that warped film on the drive-in or Beta-Max.  

1986 we have a less primal and bleak sequel The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2.  This film is still incredibly graphic and gory but infused with dark comedy and we now know Leatherface’s family surname is Sawyer and you better whitewash their fences right.   A radio host ‘Stretch’ (Caroline Williams of Stepfather II, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Love and Lies, Leprechaun 3 and Halloween II remake) gets a prank call over the airwaves. As the little pond scum makes vulgar remarks they begin to scream in pain and agony (probably had to see Oingo Boingo in concert) as a chainsaw revs in the background.  Lieutenant ‘Lefty’ Enright, a former Texas Marshall (Dennis Hopper of Hang ‘Em High, Easy Rider, True Grit, The Last Movie, Apocalypse Now, Speed and Land of the Dead) is uncle to Sally Hardesty of the first film and knows all about the Sawyer family and he is determined to catch the lot of psychos.   Now because this film does not follow the same formula as the Friday the 13ths and Nightmares sequels, most of the horror fans overlooked this cult film.  Admittedly the acting is a bit over the top in some characters* coughs Bill Mosely’s Chop Top* but overall it is a dark and demented flick of absurd proportions.  Leatherface is apparently dispatched by Lefty and Stretch deals with Chop Top.  The End…or is it???   

Due to the infamous standing Chainsaw 2 had New Line Cinema wanted to beat this dead horse yet again.  1990, Hooper presents a treatment and New Line was not interested so we bring in Director Jeff Burr (Stepfather II, Puppet Master 4, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter and Night of the Scarecrow) This film was almost a prequel to TCM 2 and left folks a might confused in that regard but heck any flick with Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead, Knightriders, From Beyond, Terror Squad, Dawn of the Dead remake and Halloween remake) in it can’t be all that bad, right?  Right?  So the Sawyer family has bred some more and honestly the gene pool is not improving, with the exception of Viggo Mortensen.   Yeah that is not a joke.  First real paycheck as he put it.  The MPAA had a field day with this movie and tried to get it an X-rating due to the level of gore, of which there was quite a bit but settled on NC-17.  So inbred hillbilly cannibals match wits with plucky goodie two shoes, horror ensues and Leatherface is allegedly killed…or was he? Dun dun dun!  

Well if you thought that could destroy a wild and warped legacy of terror then I guess you better get under the magic covers because Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation will leave you scratching your head, force you to Kirk shoulder roll from the plot holes and make you ask” Hey isn’t that Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger?”  1995 co-writer of the original The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Kim Henkel decided to take a whack at the series with her interpretation that would explain why the Sawyer family does what they do oh so well.  Four teenie boppers zip away from the high school prom and end up taking the wrong short cut, maim a poor driver and have to find a tow truck.  Fortunately the forest they are in is so backlit they could skip wandering armed only with a flash light.  That’s right folks it’s all the Illuminati’s fault.  The Sawyers dispatch and eat people because…there was a giant plot hole the size of Kansas and no one could plug it.  Two other comments about this little stinkburger is the actress Lisa Newmeyer (The House on Todville Road, Rolling Kansas, Sin City and A Scanner Darkly).   Her death scene felt like an eternity.  They drag this one scene out making Zellweger’s character watch the torturous scene and frankly I was going bonkers hearing this girl shriek on and on.  Oh, and for some completely unexplained reason, Leatherface because a transvestite in a mask made of human flesh.    Yeah guess Henkel saw Silence of the Lambs and went, “That’s the direction for Leatherface.”

What can we all take away from this?  Well good intentions and a few story ideas does not a film make would be one.   I do not feel in this modern age we can recapture that same terror the original mastered.  Eerie sounds and sets, rotten meat, human and animal bone strewn about offers a sick vision.   But don’t get down folks.  There’s another fricking Chainsaw being made.  Huzzah.

Critters...yes well...

Okay kids I am back with a series that frankly is a doozy.  So strap yourselves down, put in your mouth guard and going out swinging.  This is Critters Collection. 

Spoilers can save your sanity…

New Line Cinema attempting to branch out Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Ator films with Miles O’ Keefe and Son Chiba’s Street Fighter series. Wes Craven’s pet project, A Nightmare on Elm Street truly breathed life into the company and offered with a series of creature features.    Of these modern day monster films, the Critters franchise is born.   In 1986, Critters was released just after the success rate of Joe Dante’s Gremlins and has been a long standing of dispute on cashing in on its popularity but this reviewer says nay nay.   The focus of the movie is around the creatures themselves, the Crites or Critters if you will.   These carnivorous aliens from outer space resembling hedgehogs with more teeth than the entire Osmond family spread like a plague from planet to planet eating whatever they can.    They live to simply eat, breed and the cycle repeats.  LAND SHARKS!!!!

The standard storyline is the aliens attack a small town in Grover’s Bend Kansas thrashing a farm and of all things they attack Billy Zane (Back To The Future 1, 2 and 3, Demon Knight, The Phantom, Titanic) A duo of these faceless bounty hunters Ug and Lee and yes I did not make those names up have a chameleonic head allowing them to blend into whatever society they are hunting in.  Not to mention enough firepower to take on the Bolivian Army.  A family of four fends off the Crites with fire axes, ball bats and of course the old fashioned double barrel boomstick.  We even have a bumbling sheriff and town rummy.  Town rummy Charlie (Don Keith Opper of Android, City Limits, Critters, Critters 2, Critters 3, Critters 4 and Infection) takes off with the two hunters.  All is said and done from the first film but apparently these space mammals lay eggs. (Suck it Darwin!)  

These eggs of course make our way to Critters 2: The Main Course.   Our bounty hunters are off world popping a giant worm creature when they are given a contract that Crites are still on Earth. Hunter Lee has more face shifting issues and he hasn’t settled on one. Ug (Terrance Mann of Critters, Critters 3, Critters 4 and The Dresden Files) seems content to using a popular rock star’s visage. Lee is ambushed by Crites and killed. Ug and Charlie rally together and throw down with said Crites blowing the lot of them off with their ship.   But…did we get every egg again?  Wah wah waaaaaah.   Off to Topeka Kansas to create Critters 3: You Are What They Eat starring Don Opper and Terrance Mann of the previous films as well as Leonardo DiCaprio’s first movie.   A down trodden building owned by a heartless landlord is under siege by Crites so clearly that is a pest issue.  Charlie (Don Opper) tracks and takes out the Crites but Ug (Terrance Mann) is again nowhere to be found until a holographic message sputters out of a wrist unit and Ug explains Crites are now on the endangered species list. Charlie drops the last remaining Crite eggs into stasis but fell into the pod that was to carry it to this Shadow Consul.

 Now this sad bit of sputum was actually an extended film and not intended to be a continuous beyond this film but New Line Cinema said we will shoot 3 and 4 back to back.  Critters 4: They're Invading Your Space Charlie places the Crite eggs in a stasis unit only to goof up yet again and get trapped into the pod only to have slept for 200 years and rescued by a salvage ship. Yeah cue James Horner music, some pulse rifles and a kick ass Sgt Apone.   The crew decides to claim salvage rights on the pod and receive an update from the Shadow Consul and demand the pod, offer an obscene reward and set coordinates to arrange a meeting.  The space station was in shambles and the Crites are loose, eating and breeding.  Charlie is brought to consciousness and up to speed on the Crites so he springs into action, if action was constituted for bumbling and inept.  With a gun fight with the descendant of Ug and his white clad storm troopers, the Crites eat most of them and the surviving crew blow up the station and flee to safety. 

What is the point you may ask?   Well ambition versus common sense is what occurred.  As this is the way of many storytellings, lack of continuity, re-writes and schedule conflicts can create a jumbled mess and while this is not what I would consider viable entertainment but it is an aspect of my childhood.  Well okay the first one is.  The other three are ideal from extremely dumb movie night...

Franchises that never need be..

The remainder of this week will be poking fun of sequels that wish you passed on or just wished they had not been.   I will be tackling these films with a fine tooth comb and mocking them sadistically.  Hope to have fun with it and hope you all have fun reading about it.

This ain't yo daddy's Super Friends...

Hello all, I am back again with a new review and this time we are tackling cartoons. Yeah I know those are for kids.  Don’t care.   Today I am touching base on DC Comics biggest triumph on the little screen. So grab your tights, do some stretches to limber up and get ready to save the day.   This is Justice League.

Spoilers make Batman paranoid…

Growing up in the era of the Superfriends and Super Powers, DC superheroes came off as hokey, overbearing and frankly kind of a joke.  In 1992 with the first appearance of Batman the Animated Series, we saw a broken man remake himself to better himself and his city against forces of the absurd and insane.   In 1996 we see the shining city of Metropolis under siege by similar villains of Gotham but a champion from another world, Superman approached this bizarre men and women with super powers and tempered by compassion of honesty and courage.   Throughout both these series, a myriad of more obscure DC characters appeared but you never really got the full scope of whom they are and why they stood for justice.    2001 changed all of that in introducing characters that have been on the comic book pages for more than 60 years.   DC Comics writer Gardner Fox (Justice Society of America, Mystery in Space, Amazing Stories, Planet Stories and Justice League of America) gathered a cadre of different men and women all hailing from unique backgrounds with a common goal.  To dispense justice towards villainy and protect the innocent no matter the cost.

Animators Bruce W. Timm (Blackstar, G.I. Joe, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Batman the Animated Series, Batman Beyond and Superman the Animated Series) and Paul Dini (Creator of Harley Quinn, villainess sidekick to the Joker) set out on a venture to create a cohesive Justice League for kids and adults to enjoy.  Dipping into more than 60 years worth of comic history as well as stories of their own; the duo managed to bring about some of DC comics greatest heroes and villains all under a 25 minute cartoon and a cornucopia of voice actors under the wing of veteran voice casting director Andrea Romano (Batman the Animated Series, The Adventures of Batman and Robin, The New Batman Adventures, Pinky and the Brain and Static Shock) Reigning in actors from previous series, Romano had her pick of the litter if you will.   Batman (Kevin Conroy of Batman the Animated Series, The New Batman Adventures, Batman Beyond, Justice League, Batman: Arkham City and Justice League: Doom) Joker (Mark Hamill of Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi,  Batman the Animated Series, Justice League, Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go! and The Super Hero Squad Show) as well as newcomers to the voice acting gig like Phil LaMarr (MADtv, Clerks Animated Series, Invader ZIM, Static Shock, Samurai Jack, The Proud Family and Wolverine and the X-Men) Susan Eisenberg (Justice League, Golden Axe: Beast Rider, Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, The Super Hero Squad Show and Mass Effect 3).  

The main issues Dini and Timm had was to make these superheroes more human in the eyes of their viewers by giving them the very strengths and flaws we all have, deliver a thought provoking story and plenty of action all under one name.     No easy task when the fans are this demanding for their hero or heroine not getting enough lines or always deemed in reserve.   While you cannot please everyone, I think Justice League fans of whatever incarnation they grew up reading will be proud of this product and want to share it with other like minded folk.  

Apologies...

I am sorry for not having a Monday blog up but I got a bit exhausted weatherproofing the apartment.   That being said I will get today's blog written and posted for your viewing pleasure.  Ta ta for now all.

Zombie Hunter: the name says it all.

Well folks it has been a while since I have done a video game review so I am starting one off with a plug 'n play game based on the Walking Dead TV series. JAKK'S TV series game titles strikes gold with Zombie Hunter is a plug 'n play FPS with a shotgun controller and a zombie head and hands peering over the wireless unit.

Spoilers ain't people, man. Not any more.

 This simplistic game is ideal for any Big Buck Hunter fanatics and gives the zombie haters something to do.  The story line is basic in that you are in the woods as a standard character on the move to get ahead of the walkers.  You find that your base camp has a level of infestation and of course you can only dispatch the walkers with a shot to the head.  As you progress through the game you encounter Glenn and go on a few missions with him.  Defending him when needed.

Now let us discuss game mechanics.  You need to be about 8 to 10 feet from the screen in order to properly take out the walking dead.  The plastic sight on the gun is pointless to look down so do NOT even bother.  A target reticle will digitally appear and for the most part works pretty spot on but you need to caliberate for your shooting stance.  Downside to this game is we (My Dad and I) could not figure if you could do this one from the couch or not so I would just recommend this a standing pose.   Unlike a real rifle or shotgun there of course is no recoil so the main worry is keeping the gun steady and level.   The game does have a set speed for destroying crates that contain different ammo and health so be quick about it or you miss out.   You also have unlimited ammo for the shotgun and even the option of an automatic or in this case a semi-automatic shotgun or the standard pump action shotgun.  You will pick up weapon options such as: rifle, assault rifle, crossbow bolts and even a 40 mm grenade launcher.  There are only 3 levels, each with 3 scenes attached to it with variant degrees of difficulty.   One thing to be aware of is the lag between each new screen of zombie fighting and your character walking along.  You discharge an accidental round too early or throw off your concentration.   There are survivors you can save from the shambling dead and gain massive points for, or you can waste them and get a negative 120 points.  Dad was a bit trigger happy so oops.

The other two staples of the game are called free play game (meaning no story arc just shooting the dead and advancing) and horde game (this portion just means wave of death ranging from 2 to 6 zombies per screen)

Bottom line is this would be a fun game from anything of blowing off steam or just a party game of passing the gun around to the next person to play.  I am going to have to say I had a blast playing this.

The Raven...No not the Highlander one..

Howdy boys and girls! Back with a bit of a more current spin on an old thing. The retelling of an old tale of misery, murder, gruesome and grandeur. So polish the mononocle, grab that absinthe and partake in the local play. This is The Raven.

Spoilers nevermore...

A sot,a uproarious drunk with a keen and gifted mind. Edgar Allen Poe (John Cusack of Better Off Dead, Grosse Point Blank, Serendipity and 1408) feels underappreciated and less than nothing by this rabble that is the common man; is penniless from his world tour due to his level of indulgence and feels his is at his wit's end. A series of brutal murders have occured in Baltimore where Poe resides and a young detective named Fields (Luke Evans of The Immortals,Robin Hood, The Three Musketeers and Clash of the Titans) notices the disturbing pattern of each of the murders is identical to a short story of Poe's. Desperate for help, Fields enlists Poe's assistance in stopping this madman before he strikes again.  While men of completely different caliber and strengths, Fields and Poe try to make a common ground to reach in order to decipher this lunatic's warping of Poe's macbre tales.

Kidnapped is Poe's fiancee` Emily Hamilton (Alice Eve of Big Nothing, Crossing Over, She's Out of My League and Men in Black 3) to taunt and torment Poe's already tortured soul but to inspire words of brillance and morbid fancy all for the killer to read and revel in as this deadly game of cat and mouse continues on the killer's terms. The clock is ticking down as we discover that Emily does not have long for this world unless Fields and Poe can crack the case with the disturbing clues into the madman's psyche.

Director James McTeigue (V for Vendetta, The Invasion and Ninja Assassin) tells us the tale of what would be the happenings of Poe, his written works and the downsides to that of which they could very well create. Now while this is in no way, shape or imagination new ground; the story is well told and shot to a degree of professionalism that V for Vendetta was. The angled shots, crane and hand held was pretty spot on. John Cusack did a fine job as Poe. He attempts to show facets of all the man; his hopes, dreams and nightmares if you will and while this is not the best version of this tale but worth the view.

I would like to point out this gothic story has a fair degree of blood and gore attached to it so that is something to take into account. Certainly not the bloodiest film of the thriller genre, I believe From Hell still holds that mark in my humble opinion.