The Insatiable
SPOILERS…Eh
you know the drill.
Man o man I seem to be on a vampire kick this month. This time I have a flick with some budget and
meat on the bones. No more time to
waste, let’s delve into The Insatiable. Writers/directors Cary Solomon and Chuck
Konzelman (TNT and Earth Vs. the Spider) bring us this modern day macabre
L.A. story of an everyday guy (Sean
Patrick Flannery of The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones, The Boondock Saints
1 and 2) who works selling flange pipes and is the super for his building . His local stop at a convenience store and he
offers to get a homeless guy; Sammy (Jimmy
Gonzales of Four Christmases and Beewax) something to eat. The convenience store clerk Ronnie (Brad Rowe of Shelter and National Treasure:
Book of Secrets ) is swarmy to a couple of preppy kids buying porno mags
with the typical hiding purchases. Harry
and Ronnie chatter for a bit and Harry is on his way out to feed the
unfortunate fellow on the street. He
then encounters a gorgeous vivacious redheaded vampire (Charlotte Ayanna of Training Day and The Thirst) feeding that very
same homeless man. Startled as he is,
his vampire rends Sammy’s head off and leaps 30 feet straight up and through a
window without breaking stride. Harry
hyperventilates, passes out but manages to call the cops afterwards.
Naturally the lead
detective treats him like he is jotting down a drunk’s UFO sighting. Harry slighted by this reaction and terrified
of what he saw, of course he goes to work the next day to get crap from his
co-workers; Javier (Jon Huertas of
Castle and NCIS) and Chet (Josh
Hopkins of Swingtown and Private Practice) about the vampiress. Follow-up questions with lead detective
Michael Roper (Boyd Kestner of The
General’s Daughter and Hannibal) seems tedious and awkward. Harry is shown crime scene photos and he is
sickened by it. Detective Roper classifies Harry as a nut that saw what he
couldn’t possibly have seen, and tells him to take a hike. Meeting up with Ronnie at the convenience
store, Harry notices a neck wound on Ronnie and points out how wiped he
appears. Ronnie tells Harry how his new
girlfriend is just running him ragged from sex.
Hmm sounds better than watching this movie any day but I digress.
Obsessed with the
vampire; Harry surfs the web trying to get a handle on female vampires. God only knows how many porn sites came up he
had to delete out of and discovers they originate from the demon succubus; in
that they feed on a man’s life force in the act of sex and slowly drain them of
will and strength. Harry tries to sleep
only having a ridiculous bedtime montage of the past events to he heads over to
Ronnie’s place to look in on him. To his
shock and horror Ronnie to has met his fate by the vampiress. The cops are uninterested in what he has to
say, so Harry takes it upon himself to deal out justice Peter Cushing
style…..okay he actually contacts a web operator that has a few vampire pages. Harry
deals with a backed up garbage disposal of his neighbor Cindi. (Amanda Noret of Veronica Mars and Bunny
Whipped) Just pointing out that she
is drooling over Young Indy here and he is too damn bashful to do anything
about it. Smack upside head!
Destiny or a clogged toilet lends a hand and Harry meets a
man that is more than just a resident. Stuck
in a wheelchair but wields a decent sawed off boomstick is Strickland (Michael Biehn of Terminator, Aliens and The
Rock) who explains to Harry the heightened senses of a vampire. If they get your scent they can track you
anywhere and given his last scene with her I am sure she got pheromones and
urine. Strickland cross-references the
known attacks over the last two months and narrows down a grid pattern that is
her hunting grounds. Yes once again we
have technology, geography and obsession to hunt and kill vampires. A trifle cliché but it is Michael Biehn so I
excuse him. Harry hits a hardware store
for some tools of the trade. Pry bar for
boarded up doors. Wire cutters for chain
link fences and a decent sized sledgehammer and railroad spikes for
staking. Guess the old lop the head off
and everything is gravy concept is key here.
Trailing her to the lair, the vamp wakes only to plead for her life and
doofus Balbo lets her live. Strickland
reams him over the phone and Harry devises a plan to deal with her his
way. Using his contacts at work and a
handy welding manual; Harry creates the very first Vampire cage. The same steel used for bank vaults and is
damn certain she cannot get out of there.
Excellent time for a spear through the chest but now she is locked away
he hasn’t a fricking clue what to do next.
JACKASS! Stake her, lop the head
off and chuck the body to the sun after soaking both head and body in holy
water. Well that was just my
opinion.
Begging Harry to be
free; Tatiana tells him she needs blood every night or she will waste away
horribly. Not wanting a life on his
hands, Harry offers her rabbits and other such creatures like a take-out order,
but eventually that is not enough for her appetite. He starts developing a rapport with Tatiana
and she can sense he is a lonely sad man who has never really known love. Too tempted by our vampiress the lines of
morality get crossed and Harry starts feeding Tatiana people including jackass
co-worker Javier. Eh can’t say I blame
Harry on that one. Hell I would have fed
that guy to a wood chipper let alone a vampire. The cops find Harry’s prints on discarded
bags of trash containing victims and Harry gives himself to Tatiana. The
moral of the story is to kill the pretty thing before it gets in your head.
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