Greetings to Valentine Week and I thought I would start the
cheese right with the foul taint of a remake. Yes as if the 80’s didn’t produce
enough regurgitated slasher nonsense we clearly need to re-imagine that. So call your incompetent law enforcement, run
up the stairs when you should go out the door and lock yourself in a
closet. This is My Bloody Valentine 3D.
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| Yo Sammy, you down here?! |
SPOILER CAVE-IN!
Oh we could be in a
world of excitement or utter hurt.
Director (Patrick Lussier of Dracula 2000, Dracula II: Ascension and White Noise
2: The Light) drives us down nostalgia lane with no seat belts and
doing 30 miles over the limit. With the
assistance of writer (Todd Farmer of Jason X, The Messengers, and
Drive Angry) I feel as though we are in suspect hands for our movie
viewing. Ten years ago in the mining
town of Harmony, a drilling accident caused the mine to collapse and six miners
were buried alive. After 6 days of
digging the rescue team found only one man, Harry Warden (Richard John Walters of Smart People,
Neverland and Art Thief Musical) alive but in a coma, and the other
miners skewered by his pickax. The
conclusion was that Harry did them in to save the oxygen for himself. The son of the mine owner Tom Hanniger (Jensen
Ackles of Supernatural, Smallville, Devour and Batman: Under the Red Hood)
failed to vent the methane out of the mine and blames himself for the
happenings of that accident.
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| Luke, join me and rule these mines as father and son... |
One year into his coma Harry awakens, starts making a mess
with the hospital staff Jason Vorhees style and heads back to the mine. I guess it is his Crystal Lake. A gathering of teens are having a party in
the mine are attacked by Harry and panic ensues as the teens flee while Tom arrives
late. Injured and looking as though his
life is about to end, Tom heads back into the mine to evade Warden only to see
Harry shot down by the town sheriff. For
the teens ten years have came and went.
Tom Hanniger returns to lay his father to rest and sell his family’s
mine in the hopes to lay some ghost to rest.
His former girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King of Sin City, Pearl Harbor, The
Spirit and White Chicks) is married and has a grocery store while her
husband Axel (Kerr Smith of The Forsaken,Dawson’s Creek and Final Destination)
is the town sheriff and the townies are trying to meek out a life as best as
they can. Okay, off topic this town is
white. I mean Clarinda Iowa white. Devoid of people of color, coordination and
dance moves white.
We now return you to our scheduled write up. When last we left off the town of Harmony
was a downer and suddenly murders occur within days of Tom’s return. As Tom and his mine manager Red (Jeff
Hochendoner of I Am Number Four and Unstoppable) are jumped by Warden,
Tom is forced into a cage and Red meets his fate at the hands of a pickax. Former friends of Tom show the common
denominator and Hanniger is looking guilty.
Will Tom be able to prove his innocence?
Will the town care about justice?
Who is the muffin man? What is
the mystery of the Yeti?
A combination of 35mm Spherical and D-cinema was use to
blend this footage together and yes gore fans this is messy. A lot of gags were thrown in for this that
blood is caking the floors and walls.
Lot of torso and limb attacks so yes that is making a mess. Overall regardless what I thought of the
cast, I found the plot to be lacking, the characters underdeveloped and my time
wasted. The original was just as equally
campy so don’t feel as though I am hoisting it aloft to the gods as a tribute.
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| Boy, Debbie sure can shovel it in...*slaps self for bad pun* |
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