Doom Asylum

So back again with a fan request. Yeah (sigh) one of those. Look, I am very appreciative of fan feedback but some of these "films" are pretty painful to sit through. Maybe a nice Billy Wilder movie? Anyway, today's moving picture has a member of Sex and the City, a deformed slasher and a punk band that performs in an abandoned mental asylum. This is Doom Asylum a.k.a. House of Horror.

Grandma Rotty?!

Director Richard Friedman (Tales from the Darkside, Scared Stiff, Friday the 13^th: The Series, Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge, Baywatch Nights, Ground Zero, Halfway to Hell and Love Hurts) working with the script penned by Rick Marx (In Love, Nasty Girls, Sex Spa U.S.A., Maid in Manhattan, Bordello: House of the Rising Sun, Warrior Queen and Gor) so this could be a world of hurt. Of course the director that brought me a cinematic treasure like Darkwolf it...oh wait, I didn't care for that flick. Yup this is gonna hurt.

We open our movie with lawyer Mitch Hansen (Michael Rogen of Doom Asylum, Basket Case 2, Punch the Clock, Wings, Midnight Caller and Tribeca) and his bubbly fiancee Judy (Patty Mullen of Doom Asylum, The Equalizer and Frankenhooker) are cruisin' across the back roads for a 5 million lawsuit and naturally celebrating with champagne while driving. Rut Roh, this is moving into The BrainThat Wouldn't Die territory (FYI watch the MST3K version) and of course we have an accident.

Yeah Highway head. What could go wrong?

Before we go further, yes menfolk there's titty. I know, I know the mention of jiggly girls, nerds vs punks and a mangled serial killer just couldn't have possibly captivated your attention.

Well Mitch is up on the slab for his autopsy. I got to ask why would there even be a need for an autopsy? Booze will still be in his system, that's a quick tox screening and the car was smashed pretty good. Open and shut case, baby. Yes I know, suspend disbelief. 

With a face resembling beef jerky, Mitch has had a tough day, so adding incompetence of the morgue attendee and his intern should really make his afternoon all a flutter. Mitch awakes on the slab and it's good bye morgue docs. Five minutes in and we cut to title cards and opening credits. Lot of pan shots of the abandoned asylum of which a bulk of the film will be taking place in. I heard weird damn near orgasmic moans, cat yowls and manic laughter. The film font for our title looked like a WB cartoon from the 50s. Biggest gripe of this opening is the camera doesn't appear to be on a stabilizer, so we have unintentional shaky cam.

Throw us some beads!!!

10 years later (in the film, not how long it took me to finish this), a gaggle of kids are out and about for some boozing and screwing and babbling about urban legend killers. Say aren't these slasher tropes? Darnell (Harrison White of Se7en, Like a Woman Should, L.A. Noire, The Muppets, Replaced, Bones, Maron, Dads, Rizzoli & Isles and Venice the Series) and his Goof Troop (I mean friends. Yeah friends) Jane (Kirstin Davis of General Hospital, Nine Months, Melrose Place, Three Days, Sex and the City, Soccer Moms and Couples Retreat) Dennis (Kenny L. Price of Doom Asylum), Mike (William Hay of Doom Asylum) and Kiki (Patty Mullen playing a duo role, this time as her previous character's daughter). This outing reminds Kiki this around the area where her mother died in a car accident. WOOO HOOO!!! PARTY DOWN!!! Wtf?!

Kiki and Mike have a heart to heart and well her other friends...they're kind of dicks. "Yer mom's dead! Move on." "I'm hungry!" Yeah glad to be partying with these shitbirds.

There's a legend in these here woods. About a killer known only as Mitch! I mean The Coroner. That he does away with his victims with autopsy tools. Yup that's about it. I imagine you are disappointed with this legend as much as I. Seriously, no Jason Voorhees level back story of the tragic loss of Mitch's face and his dead fiancee. Nothing.

The asylum apparently has a theater stage. Was that for the nutty talent show every year? What sounds like a banshee with a tit caught in a Cuisinart is actually our half-assed punk band.

It becomes this mediocre squabble between the Goof Troop and the pseudo punkers. Seriously? Starting a punk band in 1989? Bit late for that movement, right? 20 minutes into the film we start thinning the cast of one dimensional characters and thank God for that. I don't normally just start trashing a movie due to low budget or having a bunch of kids that never acted and so on but wow this was awful. There is some comedy in this, some of the one-liners from Beef Jerky Krueger are decent enough but overall the lead punk's annoying cackle made me want to burn The Plasmatic albums I have.  Gore effects are fair, a smart move having one main set but unfeasible that no one would have fled from it on foot or in the car. The camera blocking was alright but I really felt a stabilizer would have improved several shots.

Are we meeting our skin quota?

This movie was shot in eight days in an actual abandoned nut house in Verona, New Jersey and was deemed Kristin Davis' first full-length feature film. Ah a proud IMDB addition to the filmography.

Overall take away from this 78 minute movie? A clunky trope-laden film with gore gags, over the top dialogue and cheesy one-liners. No clear direct motive of killing the kids with the exception, he's crazy. Hell even the trip out of creeper former nut house made no damn sense at all. Story wise I had no clue what was going on and it is happenstance Coroner Mitch even bumped into Kiki so their whole potential story arc was shot to Hell and back.

My take from this is: a fine film for drinking games. If you need to riff a turd, look no further.

Pleatherface...

Memorial Valley Massacre

Hey gang. Hope you enjoyed that Jim Wynorski film last week because I have went off the beaten path and back into Public Domain Woods and I think I found something that smells worse than a dead and bloated skunk left under the floorboards of a cabin, last spring. With that graphic description done, I am perplexed to what I have as the alternative titles went a bit out there. So a slasher film in the deep woods here we go. This is Memorial Valley Massacre.

Must be a impotence commercial.

Ah, still love low budget horror feeling the words Massacre or Savage solves a crappy film. No, a script writer with enough savvy and brain cells does that. And luck would have it, we do have some alternative titles: Memorial Day, Valley of Death and Son of Sleepaway Camp. Yeah that last one doesn't even make sense. Angela had a son that now stalks the land? Spoiler! Angela's a boy.

This 1989 horror film has undertones of ecological ideals and the killer could be constrewn as Nature striking back in the same way that Jason Vorhees hates T&A, pre-martial sex, alcohol abuse and weed. I am concerned when the director Robert C. Hughes also brought to the screen Zadar! Cow from Hell and Lusty Liasons II. Yes, those titles are real movies.

A gaggle of folks are ready to go camping, boozing and getting all fleshy with one another. Yeah I don't recognize a single one of the kids. I'm convinced they actually kill off the cast. In fact, the only cast member I do know: Cameron Mitchell is hardly even in it as a greedy land developer. A dead worker and dead dog convinces him to shut down the works but hey these campers are more than welcome to try their luck.

Mitchell takes off leaving his son David (Mark Mears) to handle the project and then just takes off. Seriously Cameron Mitchell is not even in the rest of the film. Probably drank himself to sleep for the rest of the shoot.

Not since Easy Rider have there been such mean motor scooters.

We're treated to a zany montage of campers pitching tents with wacky sound effects, bumbling people and if these white people start dancing, I am calling up Jason Vorhees to go to town on them. Someone needs to be stumped to death. For those unaware of this particular maneuver, Vorhees grabs the camper and impales them by forcing their torso on a stump. Perhaps I need a better technical term.

Let's talk about the biggest let down, the killer. The reveal is far too soon and much like the porno money shot, once it happens it is kind of a drag. Five minutes into the movie and Mongo Cromagnon appears. Looks like he scalped Nikki Six in 80s Motley Crue era, glued it to his head and he roams around the campgrounds. Monkeyboy or Hermit as that is what he is tagged via IMDB (John Caso) is irked that people walk about his forest and he proceeds to lash out! By that, he breaks a few windows in the camper trailers and grunts a lot.

Two rangers patrol this whole area of which is Gold Creek Ranch. Ordinarily I would be losing my crap but it is only 160 acres which tabulates to about a quarter of a mile so yeah not really the hot bed of activity I thought it was going to be. I think Crystal Lake covers more mileage. Okay enough Friday the 13^th references I swear.

A rough and tumble biker gang makes their way to the camp grounds and... okay they are as butch as an champion ice skater's partner. I was more intimidated by the bikers in Friday the 13^th in 3D when they harassed Shelly. (Okay that was the last Friday the 13^th reference!).

Wet T-shirt strikes! Meh.

Oh no, motherf**king snakes on my motherf**king camp food! Well that puts a damper on the great outdoors...that has things of nature. Who knew Oscar Meyer could attract so many reptiles.

Naturally this puts off some of the campers and they bail. Like in the next 20 minutes. Okay, don't expect to get your parking fee back. I am certain there were signs up saying: Don't bring crappy processed food to the woods.

The horny campers are looking to make time but the camera can't stay in focus so I guess they have to die instead. I really can't understand why this film isn't properly blocked. Maybe the cameraman was sleeping off the booze he split with Cameron Mitchell, this is his first time filming or he is just really crap at his job. Holy crap! Conan's dad is on the set. William Smith has a ridiculously large filmography ranging from stunts, action films, dude studied Kung Fu, Kenpo and Karate since he was a kid. A body builder and is fluent in at least seven languages. The hell you doing in Memorial Valley Massacre??!! Oh right, working actor. Got it.

Heavens, there's rain! Yeah rude, annoying portly guy on a three wheeler gets his neck snapped. Ohhh graphic. Billy's beheading in Silent Night, Deadly Night of the sledding victim was impressive. This? Not so much. And you know what makes a scary movie? Ghost stories told to adults. Yeah riveting. About as suspenseful as getting your oil changed at a Jiffy Lube. Dear God, will they include sales tax in the final price??!! I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

Don't fret, fellas. There is some nudity. Yes that age old question, "Will there be titty?" We got you covered. Dear God, can I go through one slasher film review without being asked that? I know not.

So we do have some night time attacks and they are done well. For some reason this version has clips of hardcore pornography. I am not even kidding. I am just glad I didn't video review this because I would have to black box these clips. Stay classy movie.

A bear discovers Fatty McGee and they actually called the cops in the middle of the film. Of course, all they do is get the paramedics in to move Tons of Not So Fun and tell them that the killer bear is out of their jurisdiction and they won't be able to get more help finding him until the middle of the week. So maybe tell the campers to go home could be a priority...or not? Do you want tourist money in more? Close the beaches? Get Matt Hooper of Bears out here? Maybe they were going for another sequel to Grizzly. One that was actually finished that is.

Head Ranger (still the most filthiest title) decides to hunt down the bear as they are convinced he is the killer. That is profiling dammit! I won't stand for it. The campers are informed of the bear attack and rather the sensible idea of getting the hell out of Dodge, many of them are volunteering to go hunt the beer down. Welp, grabbed a twelve pack and a rifle. I'm sure it can only end well. In tears and dumb redneck deaths. Psst token black guys, leave the camp! ASAP! PDQ!

So to recap, we have ghost stories, slapstick, half-assed kills, wet t-shirts in the rain, a random bear and hardcore porn. The hell am I watching?

Ultimately this hodge podge film has no real direction, the characters are so one dimensional you couldn't be moved to care if they die and forget story arc. That ship sailed long ago. There is better film on a dead man's eyes. Sickel & Ebert wouldn't give this film the finger, let alone a thumbs up.

Eddie Deezen is Glenn Danzig in Monkey Boy of Doom.

Stan Winston's Wrong Turn

Ah nature. She brings us water, fresh air, forests to burn down at a whim's notice. Helpless creatures to shoot, skin and cook. That being said, today's requested film will keep most of you out of the woods period. Welcome back to the humdinger today is the Stan Winston production throwback flick, Wrong Turn.

Kids, tobacco is wacko if you're a teen.

Directed by Rob Schmidt (Speed of Life, Crime + Punishment in Suburbia, Wrong Turn, The Alphabet Killer, Fear Itself and Masters of Horror episode) teamed up with sensational writers Alan B McElroy (Halloween 4: Return of Michael Myers, Spawn, The Marine, Thr3e, Tekken, The Marine 4: Moving Target, The Perfect Guy and The Condemned 2) giving us a return to yesteryear. A young couple just have to do some mountain climbing, right? I think that is just freehand climbing or...you know what? I don't care. This is just another contrite means of distracting me with either a graphic murder/jump scare or alluding to a jump scare. Too many jump scares, modern horror. STOP THAT. What's that? Boyfriend's rope went slack and he went deathly quiet? Oh he's pulling a prank on me. Tee hee, I left my brain at the bottom of the mountain.

So we are on the road now with Detective Quinn who doesn't like gridlock apparently. A shame he couldn't used his phone to alert him of traffic conditions. The radio does that too, Joey! Taking a quick route to a rural gas station at the corner of rapey gas station and hillbilly banjo playing cliche, Flynn played by Desmond Harrington finds a less traveled gravel path way through the mountains and back to the main overpass. If I was reading it right, it may actually be a decent short cut. Old Man attendant goes back to spacing off and scratching those story line much needed balls as Flynn gets back on the road less traveled in the hopes of getting to California quicker because... yeah I don't remember why he is even going to Cali. Dexter's in Miami, dude.

Next time on Dexter...

Well done. It's only a parked car you slammed right into. Next time drive staring ahead where you are driving instead of out of your upper eye lids. Jagoff. How the hell was that even possible you ask? No clue. Derptity derp derp.

Detective Flynn flies head on into an obviously parked car. Starting to see why Dexter is still running free.

And remember Horror movie rules, people so cell and smart phones are useless. By the by, this almost feels like exploitation territory except the cast clearly has touch ups and decent foundation.

Our collective camping nitwits are out because Jesse (Eliza Dushku of True Lies, Bring it On, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Catwoman, Batman: Year One, Dollhouse Wet and Open Graves) had a bad break up. Psst, Flynn. Rebound sex is possible so don't screw it up by talking. Son of a bitch, he blew it!  4 of our party decide to go further down the road and look for help given they need new tires. Homemade spike strip assured that. Why don't we all go back the road we came from?  Shaddup!  We ain't got time for your logic!  Well why don't we all go together instead of leaving two of us behind??

Don't breathe....and don't fart really loud either.

Time to thin the cast. Cause weed means a horrible person. So a plethora of horrible weapons used to dispatch our fun loving hippy types and I have had no emotional investment in any of them so I am mystified on how I should feel.

Emanuelle Chriqui of 100 Girls, The Steps, Murder in the First, Entourage and Killing Jesus and Jeremy Sisto of Clueless, Hideaway, Ice, Law & Order,Wicked City and Rent Control are commonly tremendous talent but....not so much here. They leap when they should look ,they speak when they should think and die when they could have avoided it altogether.

So what can be said about this film? Well the FX, make-up and what practical effects were made looked awesome. Some of the CGI wipes, additional and green screens weren't bad per say but I have seen better. Story? Don't go camping in the woods, trying to give the Friday the 13^th element back to camping or the Jaws theme of going into the water if you will. It took me what felt like ice ages recognizing actors Lindy Booth and Kevin Zegers because I was not a huge fan of the Dawn of the Dead remake.

A retro-gradation story-line that they should have to dropped it in late 80s or early 90s so the cell phone angle a tad more believeable, plus I really wanted to hear one of the cast use gnarly or bitching. Again not a bad film some of the camera effects were a nice touch. I saw an Dario Argento or more specifically Mario Bava influence with a close-up on eyes and mouths. So impressive were the gore effects practical that I felt the CGI slapped them in the face not matching them up.

With Stan Winston Productions handling practical effects, Hillbilly murderer makeup and static wounds, it would almost be a true 70s grindhouse horror if not for modern elements. Hell I say toss it back into the 70s. Music, clothes, lingo and make it just flow naturally, man. Some Three Dog Night in the background. Hell not like you couldn't find a 1974 album or song title for your Horror

Stan oversaw the makeup, appliances and also his company produced this film so you know he didn't just get his hands dirty. More like his arms were chest deep in a man's sternum.

With all these known quantities maybe that is why the actors feel wasted in this flick. Would have been better with a cast of unknowns and maybe either Sisto or Harrington as a state trooper following a missing persons/death statistic rate hunch and stumbles upon the inbred, redneck mountain men.

This way the kids have a cop to hide behind and he plays mentor to instill some hope and courage in them before he nobly sacrifices himself to save their lives a little bit longer. What the crap?

OoOoO a cut above the rest.

I am so writing this script.

Rotten Reelz Reviews Audio Review #37: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

In honor of the passing one of the Masters of Horror, I decided to give some love to his first terrifying flick, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre My Audio Review of course.

Edward Mannix Week: A Bay of Blood

Welcome back readers if I have any left after the cannibal/zombie showdown film of Zombie Holocaust. Trust me, I suffer its scars more than you. Unless you went out and saw it. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??!!!! Anywho, hows about a scary Italian horror movie? Okay stop running, it is not Bruno Mattei. I'm talking the master of the Giallo movies, the cream of the crop of scare, the building blocks that made Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci want to be directors. The one and only Mario Bava (Hercules in the Haunted World, Black Sunday, Evil Eye, Blood and Black Lace, Kill Baby, Kill, Danger: Diabolik, Blood Brides, Baron Blood, The House of Exorcism and Beyond the Door II). This is A Bay of Blood a.k.a. Twitch of the Death Nerve, The Last House on the Left Part II, The Antecendent, Bay of Blood, Bloodbath, Blood Bath, Ecology of a Crime, Chain Reaction and Bloodbath Bay of Death.

Robert Evans Italiano!

This film is better known by Twitch of the Death Nerve in the states but that's a bunch of savages that know no better. Pity them. No offense fellow Americans but A Bay of Blood just sounds soooOoO much better a title. Twitch of the Death Nerve sounds like an organ harvesting film.

Our macabre tale opens with some 360 pans and a view of the lake house. Photo phobics, it wasn't bad tracking like an Uwe Boll flick. You will be alright. A spinster wealthy wife (Isa Miranda of Everybody's Woman, The Secret of Helene Marimon, Abandoned, A kiss for a Killer, When Stangers Meet, Compact and The Avengers TV series) has met her end of days violently. The reason? Well it was either too many bedpan changing or the sick amount of money she was worth.

Hangin' out. Hangin' out with my homies..Gonna have ourselves a party.

Won't lie to you, her "suicide" is creepy from the gag for air, to her body swaying limply from hanging. With a suicide note planted by her dearly grieving husband, a mysterious switchblade is jabbed into is back by person unknown. Hmm guess this is a lot of dough offhand.

Soon family members, daughter Renata (Claudine Auger of Thunderball, Yoyo, Black Belly of the Tarantula, The Devil's Lieutenant, Secret Places, The Repenter and Love of a Woman) and her husband Albert (Luigi Pistilli of For a Few Dollars More, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, The Great Silence, Illustrious Corpses, Antonio Gramsci: The Days of Prison and Luigi Ganna detective) start poking around the lakehouse trying to make heads or tails of Renata's late mother's suicide and where has her father gone off too. A real estate agent Frank (Chris Avram of Time to Live, The Rage Within, Sentence of God, So Sweet, So Dead, Cuore, Enter the Devil, Voodoo Sexy and Emanuelle in Bangkok) is hoping to charm and swarm his way into Renata's heart for the signature on the house for some cool breezy cash for land development. He can't miss, right?

And I am told I never put up nudity. Pshaw!

Two couples zip off around the lake in what looks like Jon Pertwee's Bessie to frolic and be teens/twenty somethings...only they seemed to have disappeared...one by one.

With a bit of sleuthing, Renata seems to feel as though there may be more people involved for the land and money of her mother's. She even starts questioning whether Albert didn't have a hand in it. With this amount of dough on the table, everyone and anyone is a suspect.

Will these murders be solved? Are there still more to come? Who is to blame?

Worry not readers as Edward Mannix graces us with his insidious voice as Albert's English dubbing. Thought I forgot, didn't you? WELL ANSWER ME!!!

A quick bit of trivia, this film has had an impact on Friday the 13^th Part 1 and 2 as two of the murders in it are lifted and almost shot for shot exact as homage. Hell even the locations where the murders take place are so similar it is eerie as hell.

The shooting locations had no woods to speak of, so Bava waved several different tree branches in front of the cameras to give the illusion of a run or romp through the woods. According to Laura Betti, it looked so silly to view this, the cast and crew had a hard time not laughing at the simple yet brilliant solution to a lack of woods in the area. Yeah a dude waving sticks at the camera would have made me chuckle too. Hell the tracking shots are so steady and smooth, you would swear they are dolly tracked but no. Turns out Bava with years experience in cinematography shot these amazing images with...get this. A frigging kid's wagon. Yeah the little red wagon saved the day. The camera was mounted on a pole, surrounded by sandbags to reduce any wiggle and just rolled along. Awesome right?

Because of its intensity, unearthly vibes, good story presentation and decent casting a lot of folks consider this a precursor to the slasher genre and I am inclined to agree. I mean Black Christmas, The Town that Dreaded Sundown and even Halloween have to tip their hats to their grandfather of macabre. Still love Last House on the Left Part II title considering Craven released the original a year after this flick but who needs nutty things like timelines and consistency?

Hold me closer, Tito Fuentes...

Horror I Have Missed: Friday the 13th

Hey folks and welcome back to the Aimless Adulteration. Given it is Friday the 13^th I always make a big production of whatever stills I have on hand and give you all a Happy Friday the 13^th reference here and there but this time around I noticed something vital. Ya see long before the resurrections, zombification or even the potato sack days, Jason was a deformed boy that was mocked and picked on by the kids of the camp. His mother Pamela was the cook at Camp Crystal Lake and his father was nowhere to be found. Then one day he was out in the lake and he drown. You think that may have had some repercussions. This is the original Friday the 13^th.

Got..something..itching my throat.

Fresh off of Here Come the Tigers and Manny's Orphans director/producer Sean Cunningham (The Last House on the Left, Case of the Full Moon Murders, Here Come the Tigers, Manny's Orphans, The New Kids, House, House II: The Second Story, DeepStar Six, The Horror Show and Terminal Invasion) and writer Victor Miller (The Black Pearl, Manny's Orphans, Friday the 13^th, A Stranger Is Watching, Another World, Guiding Light and All My Children) are peddling Manny's Orphans but there is no guarantee on whether it will be a hit and when the residual checks will start happening so what do you do?

Not so footloose now, are ya?

Well you hook up with FX and SFX make-up artist/stuntman/actor guru Tom Savini (Dead of Night,Martin, Dawn of the Dead, Maniac, Eyes of a Stranger, The Burning, The Prowler, Nightmare, Midnight, Day of the Dead and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2) fresh off of Romero's Martin, get some Karo Syrup, food dye, a few tricked out weapon props and some fresh faces to be butchered. So the summer of 1979 with gore gags planned and plenty of dribbly blood at the ready, our cast and crew set off to make some records...okay they didn't know that a half million dollar budgeted slasher film was going to launch several sequels, give Paramount a substantial paycheck and would be loved for multiple generations.

So let's set the story shall we? An ambitious young man Steve Christy (Peter Brouwer of Love of Life, Friday the 13^th, As the World Turns, One Life to Live, All My Children, Arthur and Person of Interest) decides to buy up the property of Camp Crystal Lake and get this camp back up to specs for kids to come out for the summer and get out of their parents' hair and maybe learn a few things about the wild.

His counselors/clean-up crew consists of: easy going Jack (Kevin Bacon of Animal House, Footloose, Quicksilver, She's Having a Baby, Tremors, Flatliners, Queens Logic, JFK, A Few Good Men, Wild Things and Stir of Echoes), wise cracking smart ass Ned (Mark Nelson of Friday the 13^th, Bloodhounds of Broadway, The Seventh Coin, The First Wives Club, Suddenly Susan, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Spin City and Law & Order: Criminal Intent) good girl Alice (Adrienne King of Inherit the Wind, Between the Lines, Saturday Night Fever, Hair, What's Eating Gilbert Grape and All American Bully), sweet Marcie (Jeannie Taylor of Friday the 13^th and The Royal Romance of Charles and Diana), no nonsense Brenda (Laurie Bartram of Another World, Emergency!, The House of Seven Corpses and Friday the 13^th) and cool and collective Bill (Harry Crosby of Riding for the Pony Express, Friday the 13^th, The Private History of a Campaign That Failed, Double Trouble and Hollow Venus: Diary of a Go-Go Dancer). The spunky cook, Annie (Robbi Morgan of What's the Matter with Helen?, Friday the 13^th, Forbidden Love, The Fall Guy, I Married a Centerfold, Dutch Hollow and The Sub) didn't know the dangers of hitchhiking or Camp Crystal Lake.

Whaddua mean I look like John Holmes in a yellow slicker?

Thankfully we get the first appearance of Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney of Heavy Traffic, Cops and Robbers, King Kong, Day of the Animals, Nunzio, Friday the 13^th, Endless Love, Trading Places, Easy Money, Seize the Day and Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood) who creepily warns her of the impeding doom of Camp Crystal Lake and really got his message out.

Slowly but surely, the cast starting getting weeded out like so much chaff from the wheat but on this dark and stormy night, it is not uncommon for the phones to be down, or the generator to suddenly stop working or the cast to separate like the herd of derp they have become.

Is there a smart one among them? Will sex, drugs and booze assure their tombstones?? Who is the killer??

Really a quick trip to the local library (No Google then, the savages) would have pointed out issues of Camp Blood as the was a boy that drowned in the lake in 1957, some counselors that were murdered in 1958, unexplained fires and even an attempt to reopen the camp in 1962, the water was bad. That last one is vague. Algae perhaps? Rivers of blood? Dead bodies floating to the surface? That stinky smell of dead raccoon?

Any rate to point out the impact this film had is YET ANOTHER remake, reboot, re-imagining is trying to go under way for 2017 after the less than satisfactory remake in 2009 with a failed concept by then Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman of Friday the 13^th Part 4: The Final Chapter) who stated he wanted to have a match of of Jason vs Jarvis and that was in talks and develop since 2012 and went nowhere. Apparently fans begged for this and Feldman felt obligated to at least try. Sorry Corey, guess the studio didn't see it the magnum opus that Freddy vs Jason was.   Gah, what a unflushable turd that flick managed to be.

Ax her anything, she won't respond. 

Movies with the word Slaughter in it: Slaughterhouse

Welcome back for Day 3 of Movies with the word Slaughter in them. Now this next film and I have some history. Many moons ago, when I was a wee lad, Lincoln was still in office slaying vampires and I am certain steampunk may have just started; there was a goofy looking 8x 5 movie poster stand prop of this movie. This particular film cover and horrifically stupid tagline used to make my mother and I laugh. Y'see dear readers, my mom co-owned a video store and that is probably where my want and desire to yammer about films of yesteryear and just out that year started. Well Mom, we have made fun of this flick's standing for years but I sat down and watched it. This is Slaughterhouse.

BEHOLD....MY BODY ODOR!!!!!

Buddy has an axe to grind... A big axe. As novel a tagline as Soup is Good Food. This particular oeuvre hails from one time director/writer Rick Roessler telling the tale of the poor farmer/abattoir owner Lester (Don Barrett of Slaughterhouse, Hobgoblins and Desperation Rising) and mentally retarded and slightly obese 350 lb Buddy (Joe B. Barton of Blood Diner, Slaughterhouse, Sledge Hammer!, Home and Away, Fatal Skies and Water Rats) are stuck under the wheel of progress as they are experiencing cash flow problems like any American farmer. With the slaughterhouse closed on their property, no real employment for the pig farmer, they do their level best to butcher meat on their own and prep for market.

Lester, yer kid's body odor is killing the county.

The Sheriff's daughter Lizzy (Sherry Leigh of Slaughterhouse, Born Killer, Yellowthread Street, Demon Wind, General Hospital, The R. M., Jolene and L.V.J.), yup her name is Lizzy Borden wants to shoot a horror movie with shoestring budget and they sneak onto the abattoir property because it is the perfect location for such. How meta. Her friends join her for such hijinks in spite of it will be shot of VHS rather than the better and old school Magnavox higher def news cameras.

However a big wig, high falootin' fancy pants Tom Sanford (Bill Brinsfield of Zombie Death House, Slaughterhouse, Warbirds, Terrorgram, Confessions of a Hitman and Top Dog), Lester's lawyer Harold (Lee Robinson of Slaughterhouse) and Sheriff Borden (William Houck of Slaughterhouse, Speak of the Devil and The Abominable Snowman) have a sit down and discuss how the county assessor is going to close Lester's farm unless he can come up with $55 thousand smackers in a month. Enforcing the idea to tear down the abandoned slaughterhouse so they can build a new fangled technological updated one makes Lester point out the machines can't do the work of a man. The sheriff tells Lester he has 30 days one way or the other.

Well those aren't hogs.  They're slackers.

It is at this point with the appropriate whisking music you could turn the first act of this movie into a drama with the struggle of the old time farmer versus modern ways... but that might be a wee bit difficult when the bodies of trespassers start getting stacked like cord-wood.

Will Buddy and Lester lop up the whole town??? Can the sheriff put a stop to their murderous ways???

In 1998, a sequel was written for Slaughterhouse but apparently it never got past the script and they never bothered to release it. While this is a slasher film genre it seems to lack nudity which I was surprised but there is actual hog slaughter footage so if that is disturbing for you, fast forward or skip ahead about 7 minutes. The pace is fair, the cast are a bit inexperienced but primarily, you have a gory flick with them pesky teens getting the sharp end of the cleaver.

Trying to be Sheriff Brody but I am coming up Brackett.

Sleepaway Camp

Welcome back to Rotten Reelz Reviews. Now as last week I was busy just picking random movie and TV to put together a few convoluted and opinionated reviews as per usual. Since epinions was abandoned for paying reviews, I noticed I sat through the sequels but never bothered to give a write-up for the original.   From the creation writer/director Robert Hiltzik (Sleepaway Camp, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland and Return to Sleepaway Camp) comes the slasher film with the twist ending. This is Sleepaway Camp.

Kill her Mommy.  Kill her!

Yes before the campy and goofy patter of Pamela Springteen of Sleepaway Camp II and III, came Angela Baker (Felissa Rose of Taken Alive, Bloodhounds II, Dinner and Driving, Daybreak, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, The Drone Virus and Satan's Playground) is off to summer camp with her cousin Ricky (ABC Afterschool Specials, Return to Sleepaway Camp, The Perfect House, Redemption, Blood Reservoir, Then and Again, Terror Tales, Sugar! And William Froste) at Camp Arawak and all its host of deviants. From the bullying of physically mature Judy (Karen Fields of Sleepaway Camp and Judy) and the "Camp Counselor" Meg (Katherine Kamhi of All My Children, CBS Afternoon Playhouse, Kate & Allie, Silent Madness, The Marshall Chronicles, Dragnet, The Young and the Restless and Bones) to the attempted molestation brought to you by the cook Artie (Owen Hughes of Sleepaway Camp) you can imagine the lack of happy campers. Again, a background check would solve a lot of things.

Accidents in the kitchen are as common as in the bathroom.

Artie cracks wise about fresh meat while getting scalded by the pot prepped for cracking corn causing his little black heart to cease to beat. So best way to deal with this is to leave him uncovered and wheeled out right in front of the kids. Camp owner Mel (Mike Kellin of Banning, The Incident, The Boston Strangler, Riot, The People Next Door, Freebie and the Bean, Midnight Express, The Jazz Singer, Fitz and Bones and Sleepaway Camp) rules Artie's demise as an accident. Also one of the longer screaming death scenes. Imagine Meatballs with gore.

The water's too hot!!!

Meg and Judy decide to toss Angela in the water because...well they're dicks would be my guess. Small kids hurl handfuls of sand at her and Angela proceeds to stare them down with creeper eyes. With the beach mishap aside, Meg offers a bit of tail to camp owner Mel but she needs a shower first. Aw, sprucing herself up for her sugar daddy. Hot time in the shower leads to a murder in the shower. Mel discovers her, swears vengeance and chases out to the campgrounds and stumbles upon the mutilated corpses of the very small kids that made fun of Angela. Mel remembers in a fit of rage that Ricky was there screaming he would get back at all of them and proceeds to jump the kid, slapping him around and throwing him a beating only to get an arrow through the throat. If not Ricky, then who?

How many more die tonight? Will this make Camp Arawak be less than safe for kids?

Our gore and SFX is brought to us by the FX guru Ed French (Nightmare, Sleepaway Camp, C.H.U.D., The Stuff, Necropolis, Creepshow 2, Mutant Hunt, Prime Evil, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, Terminator 2: Judgment Days and Return to Sleepaway Camp) and brought one of the most impressive and clever twists in slasher history. More than a handful of young kids swearing profusely made me just laugh remembering how at that age was odd to say the least. While cashing in on the popularity of Friday the 13^th, these films are completely separate and it offers a warped outlook of morality, kids being kids and a disturbing backstory. FYI, Felissa Rose's cool stare will chill you to the bone, if not the soul.

Ah, you startled me!

80s Slasher: The Burning

Hey all. Welcome back for Day 4 of 80s Slasher Week. A couple of notes of the week. One, we finally got audio sound issues for Rotten Ramblin' On done and over with. Both Shawn and I sound ed clear and our continuation of Suicide Squad came out pretty damn well.

Two, child star, actress, animal activist, producer and singer Linda Blair re-posted my Hell Night review and I got over an thousand views. My thanks Ms. Blair, you truly rock.

With that bit of amazing news I bring you a cruel practical joke done on a simple janitor, that scarred him mentally and physically causing a possible rage of insanity the likes that... well has been seen far too often but that is the meat and potatoes of a slasher film. Writer/producer Harvey Weinstein (The Burning, Deep End, A Rage in Harlem, The Crow: City of Angels, Good Will Hunting, Velvet Goldmine) and writer/director Tony Maylam (Just to Prove It, White Rock, The Burning, Split Second, Jaguar: Victory by Design and Journal of a Contract Killer) collaborate together with a urban legend tale. This is The Burning.

Tis the season of ass.

A caretaker Cropsy (Lou David of Naked City, Foreplay, The Gumball Rally, The Exterminator, Over the Brooklyn Bridge and The Last Dragon) working upstate New York summer camp, Camp Blackfoot is mean and foul tempered and five kids have had enough, prepping the ultimate scare for him. Crospy was horribly burned from a stupid prank gone wrong, a gag skull filled with worms startled Cropsy causing him to spill gas on himself, engulfing him in flames and tossing himself to the river. From then on he became Swamp Thing. No wait, that's Doctor Alec Holland in Swamp Thing.   His accident was so intense he had to be institutionalized as his burns where so severe they caused deformities. I think even Porky's pranks were safer.  Five years later, he leave the hospital a wreck of a man causing him to seethe for vengeance.  Standard issue care package for severe third degree burns is every low level Marvel Comics super-villain disguise consisting of: a trench coat, sunglasses and a fedora. Yup that won't raise any eyebrows at all.

Health and safety issues may be a bit lax here.

Meanwhile at Camp Terrycloth er um I mean Stonewater, the kids are there playing ball, froth with copious energy and all the counselors expect to get laid at some point. Cropsy is roaming the woods and the askew POV via camera was made with a bit of Vaseline on the lens which is a great gag. One of the biggest shockers of this flick was seeing Fisher Stevens, Jason Alexander and Holly Hunter getting their first stint into acting is this very film.

Boy that backyard cook may have a fire hazard.

At the end of the day you have a cast that has been given back story, some goals and dreams making them human and does some similar elements to Friday the13th Part 2 but this is the superior story as it did not require a previous source material to be popular and yes you have a scarred maniac as well, but it manages to keep our killer in the shadows and give a good reveal. Our gore gags are top notch and the raft massacre was butchered by the MPAA giving this film the Video Nasty title and not re-adding the uncut version until 2007 via DVD.

FX guru and splatter king Tom Savini walked away for the offer to do FX for Friday the 13^th Part 2 to run gags, bladders and blades for The Burning instead. Shot in Buffalo giving an excuse to use existing campgrounds is great way to keep the budget down. With a budget of 1.5 million, our dark campsite story brought in 770,000 via the states but was beloved by Japan at just a bit over a million so world-wide distribution has its place, folks.

Gurgle, gurgle??   Not sure I understand you.