Mansion of the Living Dead

What's this? A gaggle of jiggly girls that work at a topless bar? A vacation that may go awry? Gobsmack oodles of nudity, all with a horror theme? Why this has to be the work of prolific pornographer/hardcore/softcore and horror erotica, Jesus Franco (White Skin Black Thighs, Ilsa, the Wicked Warden, Kiss Me Killer, Voodoo Passion, Wicked Women, Women in Cellblock 9, Cannibal Terror Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake. Oasis of the Zombies and Alone Against Terror). 

Quick question, who in the nine hells requested me to review this??  Well, I suppose it won't be too painful.   This is Mansion of the Living Dead. 

 

The blocking is this way. Hoist those bewbs, girls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Given the references of Blind Dead characters, I am guessing some folk are feeling this is somehow linked to the Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead quadrilogy. SPOILERS! It's not. I have a feeling whoever requested it, full-on knew it! Yeah I'm a bit irked. 

We open with monks vacating a monastery in orderly fashion.Why they are wearing masks left over from the last Day of the Dead festival, no clue. And then they buggered off.

 Four colleagues, Lea (Mari Carmen Nieto of Mansion of the Living Dead, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, Blood on My Shoes, Alone Against Terror, The Sexual Story of O, Night Has a Thousand Desires, Lilian and Una rajita para dos), the constantly randy Caty (Elisa Vela of Mansion of the Living Dead, Confesiones intimas de una exhibicionista, Cries of Pleasure and Fury in the Tropics), ditzy Mabel (Mabel Escano of La promesa, Las camareras, Foul Play, Curro Jimenez, Cabo de vara, Mi adultero esposo and The National Mummy) and lovely Candy (Lina Romay of Female Vampire, Mansion of the Living Dead, Pick-Up Girls, Oasis of the Zombies, Night of Open Sex, Revenge in the House of Usher, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro,White Cannibal Queen,Fury in the Tropics and Angel of Death) all work at the same topless bar and have a fairly tight knit relationship. None of that back stabbing, trying to steal clients away from one another. 

 I was stunned to see the girls arriving in what I believe was Franco's fetish: Terrycloth Shorty shorts and high heels. The women in his flicks do seem to almost always wearing them. 

 They apparently really put their backs into work that they need a weekend away from Munich and off to Gran Canaria or the Canary Islands via Spain for those unaware of the region. With the recommendation of the travel agency, the girls went to a dream hotel right next to the beach is all the girls could hope for.  Given this is an 80s Italian horror jiggly film, they'll need penis and booze before they are sated. 

 

They are the Monks, the Loneliest Monks. huh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The place seems completely deserted and yet none of these girls' survival instincts are kicking in? And by deserted, I mean the town in question. With all their collective giggling and jiggling, they really hadn't noticed how empty the town appears to be, scoff at it as everyone must be at the beach.  A building with more than 300 rooms, the streets on the way to said hotel and COMPLETELY DEVOID OF LIFE!!!  Oh I know, they're probably all at the beach. Yes this line is used over 5 times! WAKE UP!!! You're in a bad Twilight Zone episode, your lives are forfeit if you don't act now!!  

With the only person about, the regional manager Carlos Savonarola (Antonio Mayans of Emmanuelle y Carol, White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake, Pick-Up Girls, Emmanuelle Exposed, Revenge in the House of Usher, Alone Against Terror, The Panther Squad, Angel of Death and Fury in the Tropics) is giving the ladies the grand tour and leads them all to their rooms. Oh wait, no he doesn't. He gives them their keys and vague directions to their room. Prick.  Ladies reading this blog, he is giving either a lecherous eye or a full-on John Carradine creeper eye. Whichever it may be, you'd mace him, knee him in the balls and run, right? 

 

Udo Walken: for all your creeper needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guy looks like a hybrid of Udo Kier and Christopher Walken. Stranger Danger!!!  There are more than 600 rooms, but Udo Walken wants the lot of you on other ends of the quad. They're booked solid. Really? Are you? Show me these people! Show me their cars, trucks, jeeps, Hell even those fruity little scooters! SHOW ME EVERYONE!!! 

 By this point, the girls should be hitting him with heavy objects and running for their lives.  Also, what the hell, German travel agency?   This hotel pay you in blood money?  5,000 deutch marks just get slipped your way every month?  Was the ramshackle hotel in Eaten Alive booked?  Thank goodness. That way the girls don't die via crocodile and the Lord's will.   Guess the girls will be bummed knowing that they could have been with Buck and he likes to...fornicate. Yeah this is still a PG-13 blog, get over it.   Could have made a stop-off at Motel Hell as well.  Farmer Vincent always sets a nice table. 

 

And now my friends, I must appease the male horndog readers. YUP nudity. Buckets of it! Faux lesbian scenes, tanning topless scenes, shower scenes, solo scenes, so much nudity you will forget this is a horror film. Sorry ladies. I felt you should be warned and it starts at the 8 minute and 37 second mark, which is a bit of restraint of Franco's behalf. Just going by Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies time slot for jiggly tits getting freed. 

 Shot in Panavision, the sound is sadly in mono, so it dips in and out. Probably an effect corrected with an updated DVD or Blu-Ray version. Sadly, my POS viewing was the direct from VHS to DVD so no one cleaned up the picture or sound. Yay me!  I also have the English subtitle not the English dubbed version. 

What does faux lesbian mean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This movie is an hour and 37 minutes long and you feel every swing of the pendulum like the Sword of Damocles hanging over your tacky head. Also a wide-screen version. Not even sure if this wasn't also a video error via compression. 

 Is this a worthwhile film? No. Is there any justifiable reason for watching it? No. Look, if you're horny, there's ridiculous amounts of porn. I'm not judging. These characters are simply too stupid to be alive. They would have been hit by buses, fallen through a uncovered manhole, a sandstorm would have stripped their flesh off. A plague of locusts would have eaten their bits. What I am getting at is, they are less than believable as human beings. I am surprised they don't have to remind each other to breathe in and out.

 We get past the 8 minute mark, the girls are either fooling around with one another, roaming topless or engaged in their faux lesbian shenanigans. 

The plot is more micro-thin than a spandex thong! What's the plot? I'll help you. Titty. Character development? How titties are doing. Character death? Whose titties are no longer available. Potential evil killer cult? Dislikes titties. 

 Yeah I really could have done without this flick. PLEASE STOP asking for Jesus Franco film reviews! I beg you!

Hi. We're here for the Scream audition.

 

The Vampire Happening

Back again. Today I am not looking towards sequels. Unbeknownst to you all, I purchased a 20 film pack of night stalkers. The Vampire. Yup I am diving into and seeing if this pack of flicks was worth the three dollars I spent on it. Even at 3 bucks I think I am still getting screwed. There are more than a few titles I recognize but this day's film gave the briefest of synopsis and looked a trifle bizarre. So here's hoping it isn't some foreign hardcore pornography...again.

This is The Vampire Happening a.k.a. Transylvania 1971

Really stretching my lower back, so thanks.

Directed in 1965 and released in 1971, this 6 year in the making West Germany film hails as a comedy and horror movie so that could be a good thing. With the tagline: The Adult Vampire Sex Comedy, I'm expecting penetration shots and prat falls.

At the helm is English cinematographer and director Freddie Francis (The Evil of Frankenstein, Traitor's Gate, The Psychopath, The Deadly Bees, They Came from Beyond Space, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave and The Creeping Flesh) and for those of you that are Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, you will know The Deadly Bees uttered the line," Have you seen the dog's meat?" Interpret that however you see fit. 6 years to get off the ground you know it's gold or garbage.

Our movie opens on an airplane playing what looks to be a softcore porno. Yes there are kids on that flight so the weird shit-o-meter is banking to the right. Well okay the covers are over the actors and yes it does appear to not be flashing nudity so what do I know.

Attending this flight/strokefest is actress Bettie Williams (Pia Degermark of Elvira Madigan, The Looking Glass War, A Brief Season and The Vampire Happening) who by the strangest of circumstances (or crappy writing trope) has inherited a castle in Transylvania. As she is a direct descendant for the Baroness Catali who she shares a striking resemblance as well.   Ze German has landed!!

After a quick autograph we are treated to stop animation and opening credits with a Hammer Films worthy instrumental and orchestral number. Stop trying to gussy the flick up. Papa ain't buyin'.

Hold me closer, tiny caretaker.

As our protagonist drives to the castle, Nature keeps dropping roadblocks behind her like a boulder or a fallen tree.  COMEDY!  As this has a legendary Hammer Films director, maybe it will be a bit darker. However, our young impressionable American actress finds not everything in and out of the castle is as it appears. The castle's caretaker I guess is what is best to call him freaks the hell out as it would revealed that Betty is the spitting image of her great great grandmother Countess Clarimonde Catani and legends revile her as the most feared vampire of all.

As luck or a carefully placed written trope would have it; a monastery and all-girls school is conveniently next to the castle. Hedonistic vampire dream come true, right? A virulent vampire virus (I was just having fun with literation) begins to sweep the land. One of the derpy monks starts channeling his inner Crazy Ralph and not his Dr. Loomis like he should. Never go full Crazy Ralph.

Oh wait... I sense something. Yes, yes. It's that stupid question again. "Will there be titty?" Take heart, horny male readers. There's titty. The movie's staying power certainly isn't for the plot. We have a fair amount of topless nudity. It would appear my copy is also the unrated version, so a more detailed account of the orgy at the castle. Lucky me. Wee.

Hell at least the castle is real. You see American readers, across Europe and the British Isles, they have actual castles and no giant rodents or talking dogs in them. Sadly, I recognize the castle as it was in use for a raunchy sex comedy, Lady Dracula.

Castle Kreuzenstein in Austria. I like the way they say good bye. Also filmed there was the Mario Bava film, Baron Blood, Ken Annakin's The 5^th Musketeer and Dominic Sena's Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage.

FILM FACTS!!!

Bad Dracula! Too Young, Brah!

And what vampire movie could this be without an appearance of Dracula? Yes we have a Dracula via Ferdy Mayne (The Fearless Vampire Killers, Hawk the Slayer, Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story, Conan the Destroyer, Cagney & Lacey, Night Train of Terror, Howling II: Striba Bitch and Pirates). We cannot expect Christopher Lee every time as Dracula but I get the disappointment, folks. I do. Don't worry, more comic relief at the ready with a couple of vampire hunters that are... yeah they are definitely not Team Blade.

The composition is amazing by Jerry van Rooyen (Death on a Rainy Day, Succubus, Sadist Erotica, Kiss Me Monster and How Short Is the Time for Love) and the period piece costumes are bang on. Granted Pia is hardly ever in them but good that the costumers got some work to do and it wasn't all relied on the make up artists to cover asses. Pia also manages her duo roles with two really awful wigs. Looks like they killed some weasels, spray painted them and then with enough hairspray; made them stand at attention.

There's a horny schoolgirls subplot which is just to get them to fullfill their nudity clause. Seriously the school teacher is showing them the error of their wicked ways. With lots of spankings. Yup, shallow waters I be a traveling here.

Didn't get the best copy of this movie which would be the good folks at Anchor Bay. Nope, I gotta get more of my nemesis of repeated titles, the bane of any viewer's existence: Mill Creek Entertainment. Yup, my copy is grainy as the wheat fields of Kansas and the audio is mono. Can you believe those jackasses try to have one of my audio reviews yanked from YouTube?

In conclusion, our "film" is chockful of nudity after the 10 minute mark, hammy puns, obvious sight gags, a zany mistaken identity and...yeah it is pretty painful as a whole. I can't imagine who I would recommend this to.

If you need to torture convicts in GITMO, grab this flick. If you have given up on laughter and love, grab this flick.. If it's this movie or anything Rob Schneider has been in, grab this flick.

Meh, she's no Shannon Tweed.

Ninja Death II

I return! Much like the film of today it is random and without common sense. Okay actually it was a fairly long film broken up into three films. I told you I would return to it. You were warned. Okay, feel free to run for the hills if the continuation of said movie is not your fancy. For those masochistic few, welcome. This is Ninja Death II.

Cold waters turn Tiger into cub. Shrinkage!

We recap with Tiger (Alexander Rei Lo of Kung Fu Commandos, Shaolin vs Ninja, Shaolin vs Lama, Mafia vs Ninja, Shadow Killers Tiger Force and Ninja: The Final Duel). We last we knew, Master and the old Blind warrior were in fact uncles to Tiger and they were each instructing him in different forms of martial arts. Also the princess was still alive. Tiger must still do battle with the Grand Master, who also happens to be Tiger's uncle. Christ, Kurosawa couldn't follow this plot.

We open our flick with an assortment of back flips in ninja gear because...it looked cool? Um it was the 80s and there were metric tons of cocaine?

We have tons of wire work, so Anime levels of leaping, also they under-cranked the film so it could be sped up in play. Now it looks like speedsters with blades. What should be the opening credits ends up looking like a martial arts expo. I mean I really cannot think of anything else an orange backdrop would be used for beyond that. Yet again, no credits. Could be potential audition tapes for Hand recruiters.

Grand Master is so proud of being such because it only took him 80 years. Wait whaaaaat? So your brother had Tiger when he was 50? Tiger and Master continue training because...furthering the plot. Tiger is told by Master, the impending invaders from Japan are coming for them both and they must be ready. Mind and body must be as one. Heart, courage and skill.

No! It is I who has fabulous pjs!

Did I mention Master is constantly high? Yeah he is a fan of cannabis. Toking and training goes hand-in-hand...apparently. I mean I have heard of Drunken Masters but Higher than a Georgia Pine Master, well that's a new one. Master goes on to explain to explain the cadre of ninja that is after them was trained for only one mission. Yup, we got another per-ordained or destiny story line.

He could have also been high and paranoid. Methinks opioids got rubbed into his spliffs.

We are back to piss poor English dubbing. Ranging from American slang to the Queen's English. So yes it gets a tad confusing. Also the brother and sister from the brothel are back.

Sister (again I still don't know her name) still has the hots for Tiger and they knock boots. Apparently having her in servitude creeps him out. Guess not everyone is capable of having a sex slave/woman warrior at their beck and call. In their off hours, Master and Tiger seem to like cosplay. Master is almost always decked out as Hobo Gandalf and Tiger looks like a newsie complete with flat cap. What frickin' time period is this? I lost track. I see 80s era dressed folk accidentally put in the film (NO PERMITS) so is this a period piece? Modern day conflict throughout the ages? What in the sam scratch is going on??!!!

Meditation or long drawn out poop?

With the wacky montage of Grand Master either whipping the monkey shit out of his ninjas I mean training them or his master playing a flute; to the standing around Tiger and Master seem to do in quite a few scenes, this film's pace is all over the place.

Blind Master is...zany. I mean his scenes are and it's clever that he gets to whack folk in the head with his cane while performing snap kicks and windmill kicks. I still don't know what in the nine hells is going on and I am watching the damn thing!!!

Will Tiger and Grand Master have their showdown? Does it bother Tiger he is fighting an 80 year old guy? What the hell is going on?

Congratulations Ninja Death II, you made Master Ninja TV mini-series turned TV movie make more sense. I'd love to tell you that all the questions I had from the previous flick were answered BUT THEY WEREN'T!!!! Better luck with Part III or should I just give this a rest? Yes there's still titty in this stink burger of a flick. 

Dom DeLuise is the Last Samurai.

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh

Okie dokie, we have fan requests for more Stephanie Beaton. So I will be dabbling into a series I have not watched in some time. We are diving into the Witchcraft franchise. I will bring you up to speed. Will Spanner (Charles Solomon Jr., Marklen Kennedy and David Byrnes) is a warlock/lawyer/amateur occult specialist. Destined to be a terror similar to Damien Hellstrom from Marvel Comics, a world of evil awaits one day for him to turn. So he is on the third regeneration (yes they have gone through a few Wills) and was killed during the hammiest of vampire clans and he died...or did he?  The reoccurring cops Lutz and Garner keep somehow forget that magic and the supernatural occur.   Or their current writer forgets. This is Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh.

Psst, hey rookie. Lutz has great legs, right?

Our title cards are a bit different from the last time and company as Troma has taken over for production. Hmm, that mean there's going to be more than a few sex scenes? Yeah does scream 80s porno but lacks the bluesy saxophone or synthesizer. We open with a pretentious art gallery with wine free flowing and no smoking??  Must be California. With two bodies on the ground and maybe the cops ought to be notified.  Oh and Troma fans, there. I have reviewed a Troma movie so nyah. Almost 4 minutes of title sequence. AHHHH!!!!

Now Lutz and Garner were previously Kurt Alan and John E. Holiday, however we have a different Garner and we have the previous Lutz replaced by his sister Lucy (Alisa Christensen and now Stephanie Beaton). Now my only complaint with this Lutz and Garner(Mikul Robins of Teen Wolf, Frogtown II, V-World Matrix, Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood, and The Craven Cove Murders) becoming doubters and have to recap the notion they have worked with Will before. That and Will being a lawyer somehow means he's a P.I.   Yeah more than a few hiccups. This dude would be so disbarred. Anywho, the film prior to this has nothing to do with the series continuation overall, so enough of that. No I mean it. It was about a haunted house, sex starved coven and a rival warlock.  It's been a bit garbled.

Police? I've got a warlock masturbating outside my window. Again.

Lutz and Garner are at the crime scene for a double homicide and are fairly calm there's only one body quite dead. Will tries to talk to them but he is out of his skull. By that ,I mean he is a spirit and must find someone to communicate that. We get some flashback sequences or as I like to call it Will's Slideshow. Footage of the previous flicks and up to his demise. If only someone could assist him.

Naturally you'd think a prostitute like Sheila (Landon Hall of Stolen Hearts, Different Strokes, Black Thunder, Forbidden Passions, The Escort III and Hotel Exotica) is Will's medium. Hey, beats Whoopi anyday. With a quick exposition dump, it is revealed that Sheila had a near death experience and now she hears dead people.

Will's fiancee Keli is quite upset that Will hasn't called or gotten in touch with her. At least those were lines she delivered. Suffice to say, Leah Kourtne Ballantine doesn't exactly give a great performance. Her third film but the vibe of this execution is...she looks extremely sleepy. The way she dispatching lines feels lackluster in their apartment in spite of having a house together in two films prior. Yeah I don't know either. No follow-up to what happened with that too. Will does quite a bit of wandering and for some reason a streetwalker out and about is Stephanie Beaton. Is Lutz working with Vice? Yeah I am all sorts of confused. Maybe B roll footage to pad the film. Hell I've got no clue.

Oh the hell with Hepburn and Tracy. These two capture the screen.

Lutz and Garner are hot on the case and well is it wrong for me like Stephanie Beaton in these short pencil skirts? Sorry ladies, I am normally behaved but she has amazing legs. Okay moving on, he said holding on to the pathetic shreds of dignity.

So this time around it is not competing warlocks, vampires or witches but we do have ritual killings for the sake of the Egyptian god...well I think it's for Ra as we have his symbol scrawled in blood. Yeah not really clear on that. 1/4 of this movie is sex scenes. Yup suddenly the mildly boobage series has gone straight soft core Skinamax. I mean it's going to happen if you need men to rent this flick. Toss boobs at them and they are happy guys. Plot? Meh, rather have boobs thanks. Apologies, the blood letting is happening for Kafu Hu. Umm that's not a god or demon. That's the name of a long dead pharaoh. Oh my God, he's summoning Hawkman. So the whole Satan plot thing got dropped as well. Yeah I do understand how folks have gotten confused about this series.

Also for some reason Will's body is inhabited by another spirit plowing his girlfriend. Annnd he grew longer hair and a goatee. Since he died. Huh, death is screwy, huh? So a multitude of sex scenes and Will might, just might get back to his body. This of course is assuming Sheila's off the clock. Will and Sheila banter, I think. Well it seems like good natured ribbing but it falls a bit flat.

Lutz and Garner find sacrifices with same Egyptian blood scrawling and it's the strangest thing they've ever encountered. With the exception of a coven of witches and a cadre of vampires prior. They come to the conclusion it's time to find an expert on these Egyptian symbols. Enter Professor Shannon (Katherine Hudson of Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh andMasseuse) who sheds a little light on the case. Which she really didn't. She explains about a cult founded with this pharoah and Satan and bleh! Writer, go back to the source material and then work your own plot but for crying out loud look at the stuff already done.

Sheila tries to convince Garner that she is speaking on the behalf of Will and well she forgot to mention Will's dead, and there are cultists again, hearts being carved out. Basically, EVERYTHING WILL ASKED HER TO DO!!!!

The confusing problem with this film isn't the rewrite back into Will returning from the great beyond is so much as camera angles not matching up, dissolves that don't link to the next scene and frankly I think the editor isn't doing his job. David Byrnes' performance isn't bad but it is damn confusing when the scenes don't mesh. Stephanie's Lutz is trying to genuinely get work done but her captain goes into his office after one scene and smokes. Yup. Cases closed. Hearts cut out from the bodies? Clearly suicide and I can't hear your complaints in flavor country.

She and Robins have some decent scenes but the hack of an editor was either drunk, in Union, on breaks or just flat out incompetent. Hey maybe it wasn't his fault. Regardless the ADR is awful in sex scenes. Dude porn has better ADR than this flick. The plot holes are substantial, a bit of exposition establishes Will lost his house and had to move...after he died. Whoops.

Looks like I am going to have to watch Witchcraft X if I want to actually get to see Stephanie Beaton shine. We'll see if I can find that.

Garner, where you looking at my butt?

Torso

Well folks, I'm back. Something something headaches. Sorry it gets a bit repetive to type over and again. So after the odd film earlier I thought I would dabble back into the realm of Giallo and multi-genre director Sergio Martino (Slave of the Cannibal God, Alligator, Don't Play with Tigers, Screamers, Hands of Steel and 2019: After the Fall of New York) handles today's film. This is Torso a.k.a. The Bodies Presented Traces of Carnal Violence a.k.a. Carnal Violence.

Car problems?

We open on an erotic photo shoot with sleazy jazz for porno, a naked woman and man and some suggestive placements for dolls. Eerie looking dolls. Not sure if they are going for some interpretation of Dolly Dearest or they want to arouse Chucky but hey I never claim to understand every facet of art.  Ah good, it has devolved into a threesome or he's telling the girls a secret...with his penis. Got it!  Clearly a layout for Hustler. Where the heck was my mind?  I guess not enough in the gutter for a change. Sorry a bit too much exposition there. Journeying back after the carnal effects, we cut to an art history exhibition and lecture. Um, because they're also nude? The paintings not the class. That could be awkward.

Professor Franz (John Richardson of Black Sunday, One Million Years B.C., On a Clear Day You Can See Forever) and student Daniela (Tina Aumont of Texas Across the River, Man, Pride & Vengeance, Satyricon, Sergeant Klems and The Mechanics of Women) wrap themselves in a philosophical and spiritual debate on the paintings of Perogino and you can see the professor does have respect for her opinion. He feels that Perigino's lack of religious upbringing meant he could not possibly begin to delve into the immortality of the soul or the effects of Christianity has on the populous. Murders now! I'm having too many existential thoughts. Get to the murders. 

Student Jane (Suzy Kendall of To Sir, with Love, The Penthouse, Thunderball, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Fraulein Doktor and Van der Valk) does her own thang. Yeah I know I will pay for that. The red herring has already planted as we are to believe it is the wanker in the neckerchief (Stefano not Fred from Scooby Doo) who is the killer. The foreshadow is fair but Daddy's not buying, kiddies. But enough of that, next sex scene. Oh and in a Mini Cooper car smaller than the Reliant Robin. Good God, this girl has to be limber for that. Hey those breasts look real. I'm confused!

Maybe Makeout Murder Point wasn't the best place for sexing it up but what do I know. After coitus, John (Fausto Di Bella of A Tale of Love, Torso, Il messia, Escape from Galaxy 3 and Computron 22) spots a ski masked perv outside the Mini and beats cheeks to catch him and give him one for; thus leaving his girl Flo (Patrizia Adiutori of Torso, Tales of Canterbury, Play the Gale or Leave the Bed, Winged Devils and Giovannona Long-Thigh) unarmed, outmanned and slasher bait. Our killer has Jason Vorhees stealth capabilities and a scarf for throttling. Serial throttler sounds like a chronic masturbator though. Don't worry. A stabbing do happen and cut scene to morning later we find John was no better off. Looks like he called Mike Tyson a mediocre boxer. 

Are we end an exposition shot?

La polizia are hard at work. Inspector Closeau er I mean Martino (Luciano De Ambrosis (Without Family, Heart and Soul, Tomorrow is Too Late, Aretino's Blue Stories, Torso and They Were Called Three Musketeers But They Were Four) is dealing with this as best as his dubbed actor will allow. Sadly he didn't get the all powerful voice of Edward Mannix but I digress, it's still imposing.

Student Carol(Conchita Airoldi of The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, Torso, Deaf Smith & Johnny Ears, The Cousin and Closed Circuit) can't stop eye banging the mysterious doctor and his fondness of scarves. If she hadn't been waved over by Daniela, I think she would have stalked the doc and given him an afternoon delight (Ask your parents, kids).

The girls decide to take a break from their classes and head to Daniela's Uncle's villa. Oh God I see where this is going. Yup probably a sentient cave, mutations and a demand for human blood. No wait, that was Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. This could be classier.

Jane and the Professor (No Mary Anne sadly) seem to hit it off very well. Dude you just made tenure, don't go blowing it over a young girl. That kind of activity will get you fired or killed. You're in a Giallo for crying out loud! Shape up!

So can you strangle girls by the dozen with this scarf?

Apparently the night time is the right time for a prostitute. Our snobby and foppish art student Stefano certainly believes that. Hmm I don't remember the conversion rate from dollars to lira, plus this is 1973 and the exchange differs now. Ugh fine I didn't want a prostitute anyway so JUST FINE! A bit of darkness ensues but no more than you expect in these films.

Carol still has her heart or loins set on the doctor as she keeps running into him. She also seems to have the hots for Daniela's Uncle? Um Daddy issues? Carol gets high with a couple of bikers and stumbles out in the worse kind of blocking. The dreaded day for night. Ugh, hate that lens.

Carol's made some poor life choices but I am sure it won't come back to haunt her too much.

With some amazing cinematography by Giancarlo Ferrando (Erotic Exploits of a Sexy Seducer, Slave of the Cannibal God, Loggerheads, A Policewoman on the Porno Squad, Alligator, The Good Thief, Ironmaster, 2019: After the Fall of New York and Warrior of the Lost World) and the handiest and heaviest Eastman Arriflex possible. They are pushing at least three cameras on this job so there is kitty in the coffers. The gore effects are pretty solid, the story has a decent pace and the cast are lovelies of both gender. Good suspense and tension is ratcheted well.

Don't worry horn dogs, plenty of nudity to go with your gore. It's Giallo for crying out loud. Going for the whole POV into the psycho-sexual madman's mind and pulled it off nicely. Of course any more sneers at kink and perversion from society's stand point and I was going to assume this was the founding fathers of the MPAA. 

You're out of order!! ALL OF YOU!!!

Lucio Fulci's Sodoma's Ghost

Hey there readers. I'm still on a Lucio Fulci kick so let's dig through the archives. I found the synopsis of one film that sounded a tad bizarre and well let's face it, Fulci has created some odd flicks in his day. Not your typical hordes of darkness running their oozing fingers through human rib cages. No, this film seems a dark humor teen romp that leads to a sinister end.

This is Sodoma's Ghost.

Willy's a bit rough with the ladies.

I am trying to explain this film in my head and translate it to typing but nothing thus far can really begin to illustrate the sheer genius and vulgarity that it is.  So let's just dive in.   Deep with a little villa along in route to Paris, A Nazi and prostitute orgy is underway. These men are AWOL (Absent With Out Leave), getting pickled and plowing girls like the back 40 acres.

No wait.   This is the norm of this film.  One of these soldiers is recording this on I guess what looked like to me a Super 8mm camera but I am probably wrong.   All such revelry is brought to a screeching halt as the Allied bombs shell the villa, thus destroying it. (Cue bang jokes)  It's like the filthiest Hogan's Heroes episode ever written.   Hookers, Nazis and Death, oh my.

Cut to 1988, as those pesky teens (those damn kids that raise the dead, disturb the monster, irk vampires and make serial slashers return from the grave) are all in a van but no mysterious hitchhikers carving on themselves and no wheelchair bound Franklin to be had.  Sorry Texas Chainsaw fans. They are in fact, driving to Paris after some sort of holiday, backpacking and touring. HIPPIES!!! Sorry, sorry. Had to get that out of my system.

Hmm, they look comfortably close. wink wink. nudge nudge.

Going off the main road (which is always bad) they see the house from the opening scenes in more or less decent condition. Being naturally nosy or sensing they must heed to the call of the lemming, they get out of the van and start to teen gang investigate. Do you see what Scooby-Doo has done to so many people?

Let's meet the gang, shall we?

Paul (Claudio Aliotti of Confessions of Emanuelle, Stay as You Are, Champagne in Paradise and Sodoma's Ghost), Celine (Maria Concetta Salieri of Sodoma's Ghost), Annie (Teresa Razzaudi of Il lupo di mare, Gli indifferenti and A Cat in the Brain) and Jean (Sebastian Harrison of Love Me Lica, Bianco Apache, Classe di ferro and Betrayal of the Dove). Thank God, no Scrappy-Doo.

Naturally they treat the villa as their own in Bloody Pit of Terror fashion. I hope that means a sweaty, oiled up Mickey Hargitay in Crimson Executioner standing. They too will know the cold embrace of the Lover of Death!  Sweet Jesus I watch some truly mind warping crap.

Loving the Fabio Fritzi suspense music going into overdrive with...some minor exposition and chatter going on. Nothing is happening to warrant the suspense chase music!!!

As they explore, of course they're going to get horny.   Perfectly feasible this chain of events would happen. Willy the Nazi (yes he is credited as such) gets to solidify and pork one of the girls.  Also completely within the realms of probability that closeted lesbian tendencies will be explored in the creeper brothel of the damned here, and why wouldn't it?

Will the kids escape? Will the orgy of the dead continue? What the hell is going on??!!!

With the sex scenes in swing you'd think Jesus Franco was directing but nope. An eye gouge later brings me right back to Fulci land. I really do not know what to take away from this film.

Out of place suspense music where nothing is happening, exposition dumps from people not facing the camera and ridiculous over the top sex sequences with classical musical score.

That must be how they say goodbye in Austria.

Don't worry my sexist pig menfolk, there is full frontal nudity. This feels like a soft core porn with a plot. It almost feels like the death scenes, story arc and character development is interfering with the porn scenes.

The film's genius is here. Egotistical Nazis, femme boyfriends, closeted lesbians. It is obvious this belongs next to Schindler's List for its authenticity and painstaking attention to detail!! BRILLIANT!!

Our English dubbing is barely two different men and I swear the same woman for all three girls so yeah; that is confusing as Hell.

I will not be putting this up there with The Beyond or Black Cat so what I took away from this is ghosts get horny and teens will suffer for it. Buckets of blood, gore, nudity and well...the story just baffled me and I managed to muck my way through Zombie Doom. Alright, that's not true but this is Fulci!!! I should have a rough idea what's going on.

So if you need vengeful ghosts, dopey teens to twenty somethings, gobs of T & A and a few eyeballs getting violence aimed at them, than look no further.

Larry Flint's Nazi Party...with boobs.  Lots of them.

Women in Prison...Again: The Concrete Jungle

Hiya guys and gals and welcome back to the week. Yup more Women in Prison films..whoopie...Goldberg. So shocking an innocent girl gets jailed in prison of a drug offense carrying decent weight worth of cocaine. Yeah color me shocked that they threw the book at her. 

 This is The Concrete Jungle.

Your gun is digging into my  hip.

With a lovely skiing holiday coming to an end, Elizabeth (Tracey Bregman of The Funny Farm, Days of Our Lives, The Young and the Restless, Happy Birthday to Me, The Bold and the Beautiful, Sex & Mrs. X, Spyder Games and Low Lifes) is head over heels for her swell guy, Danny (Peter Brown of Lawnman, Laredo, One Life to Live, Loving, JAG, The Wedding Planner, Hell to Pay and Three Bad Men). Well he asks of Liz just one favor. To make sure his skis make it back into the country with no issues. Given how much flake is riding in those skis, Danny convinces her that the cops would never look twice at such a pretty, innocent girl and it will only be this one time. No truer words were spoken as the cops snag her at the airport with skis in hand. Rather than working with the kid and seeing if she is part of an outfit or maybe working for Mr. Big they just toss her springy ass into jail. Now that is a lazy cop and justice system. You could have actually tracked her whereabouts and cross-referenced with Interpol but nah, much easier to lob a kid into the jug.

Methinks she may have been in too long.

Well you know the score. The warden reads her the riot act and tells her to not rock the boat. Warden Fletcher(Jill St. John of The Lost World, Tony Rome, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, Diamonds Are Forever, Out There, The Player, The Trip and Northpole) tolerates no insubordination but has to keep wary of the prison's alpha, Cat (Barbara Luna of Ship of Fools, Star Trek Mirror, Mirror episode, The Devil at 4 o' Clock, Hunter, Dragnet, Mission: Impossible and The Sandra West Diaries) a tough as nails yet easy on the eyes hellion who gets what she wants or who she wants. The coke deals go down through the prison and on to the streets. Cat blurts this out trying to nail Elizabeth that even the Warden is bought and paid for.

Yes, I am a Bond girl.

None of this can be proved as there is no paperwork, trail or any direct evidence proving her hand is in the cookie jar. Elizabeth volunteers to get her on tape, has to fend off guards sodomizing her, convicts trying to jump her or kill her and justice seeming far far away.

With the evidence piled up, no one listening to her, Elizabeth has to get tough. Yeah we have the cliche' rapey guards, the prison doctor with a heart of gold and multiple bunk and shower scenes. WooOoO something new there. Reminiscent of Chained Heat but not as well scripted, our film has all the tropes of the lesbians in jail, forced bisexuality, monstrous guards and hosing all the girls down during a riot.

Will Danny get pinched? Will the Warden face incarceration herself? Can the system be fixed?

Budweiser and cocaine: Breakfast of Sleazebags.

Now considering the subgenre, the acting is decent, the scenes are shot very well but the subject matter pisses me off to no end. How many of the same film has to be made over and over? Technically you could say that about every genre out there but for crying out loud, people.

Okay, rant over. You actually feel Elizabeth's desperation for survival, the villains are a bit over the top but having had previous examples of this, that fits the film well. Directed by Tom DeSimone (Chatterbox!, Reform School Girls, Hell Night, The Big Easy, Dark Justice and Swamp Thing) on a budget of 700k, this smut fest brought in over 11 million so yeah you can say it is successful. Simple formula of good girl stuck in a madhouse of bad girls and a corrupt system is easy enough to produce. I guess I could put this up there with Caged Fury and Chained Heat but not sure if that is the bar you need.  Incidentally no trailer due to I couldn't find one Safe For Work and others under 18.

Damn, that is a serious stare down.

Women in Prison...Again: Caged Fury

And we are back big, bold and brassy. Welcome back to the blog folks and some of you...I won't be talking to. As it has been a request to do more Women in Prison flicks I am begrudgingly doing just that. Today's opus contains inmates being forced to wear lingerie and pass "favors" to the warden for early parole options. No board committee, apparently you just get freaky and your sentence gets lightened. This is Caged Fury.

Breasts? er um I mean Beer?

Shot in the Alabama Hills in Lone Pine California, hive of scum and villainy to the prisoners is never seen to the outside world what lengths the girls must go to survive. One girl can't take it any longer and somehow dug a way into the air ducts that has more room in it than Bruce Willis got in Die Hard. Seriously he could have had a ruck sack, a rifle, canteen and sidearms traipsing through this.

Blonde Escapee (Kascha of Hawaii Vice 2 through 8, Backdoor to Hollywood 6 and 7, Nina's Toys and Boys, Kascha's Days and Nights, Fade to Black, Girls of the Double D 5 and 8) you would think they could have given her character a name, dammit. So rather than alerting this escape, the poonhound higher ranking guard Spyder (Gregory Cummins of Cliffhanger, Last of the Dogmen, Evil Eye, The Italian Job, Bones, NCIS: Los Angeles and Bosch) slaps the guard assigned to watch the cellblock and pops a straight razor to slash his throat. Sensitivity training is coming your way, bubba.

Head Guard (Paul L. Smith of Popeye, Pieces, Dune, Midnight Express, Red Sonja, , Crossing the Line, Desert Kickboxer and Maverick) tends to Blonde Escapee and teaches the girls a lesson in why it's good to fall in line. He may also need to attend a sensitivity training class, or y'know be shot. Whichever works best.

Uh oh Bluto looks horny! Duck and cover!!

We pan shoot around a large ranch area meeting the Collins family. With Kathie (Roxanna Michaels of The Newlydeads, Baja, Glitch!, Playboy: Tales of Erotic Fantasies, David and Lola and Bikini Seasons 2) as her little sister Tracey (Elena Sahagun of Marked for Death, Stigmata, 44, Teenage Exorcist, Firetrap, Tremors 3: Back to Perfection and Magic Man) embarks to move out of the house to L.A. away from that awful, controlling Dad (Michael Parks of Walker, Texas Ranger, From Dusk Till Dawn, Wicked, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Kill Bill: Vol.2, Deathproof, Planet Terror, Street Poet, Red State and Kill Bill: The Whole Bloody Affair). Oh Dad, you're just too old to get this free spirit. Tee hee. Well Dad is handling this as best as he can but he does raise his concern of bad people doing bad things.

A hitchhiker Rhonda (April Dawn Dollarhide of Party Favors, Caged Fury and Dark Vengeance a.k.a. Warforce 3000) as to bail on her ride given he is trying to jump her. She and Tracey make their way to L.A. without a montage. Bit of a let down. Expected some tossing of Cheese Puffs or soda guzzling and a sing along with the songs on the radio but I move on.

Yeah yeah I know. Who are these people aside from Michael Park? What is the point of the film? Will there be shower scenes and so on and so forth. Well relax a damn minute and I will clue you in.

Off to the strip for some lukewarm rock, jiggling and debauchery. God I sound like an old man as I write this but that band was limp. Even Fred Durst would have walked. Meanwhile ex-stuntman Victor (Erik Estrada of ChiPs, Guns, The Modern Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Shattered Dreams, The Bold and the Beautiful, Chupacabra vs. The Alamo and Viturous) is looking to get a creep off of a buddy of his.

The night comes to a crashing halt as the bar bust ends in a fist fight via Victor and his buddy with action mullet Dirk (creator of American Combat Karate and martial artist Richard Barathy) trash the Rainbow Room from the looks of it.

Lulu (Janine Lindemulder of Moving Target, Lauderdale, Caged Fury, Hidden Obsessions, The Coven, Blonde Justice,Killer Looks, Way of the Dragon and Pirates) a hard rocking club girl having a good old time and was a hand in the bar fight herself.

Ewww.  Rat poop. Grody.

This "shoots" set up are shockingly enough involve around porn. Go figure. It seemed more on the up in up. The girls get scooped up due to the porn kingpin was tired of their bitching and whining so off to the gray bar hotel. The prosecution breezes through the charges claiming Tracey was a prostitute offering herself and...this is really blown out of proportion. The hearing is flashing after sentence so you know that went well.

The Warden Sybil (Mindi Miller of Hell Up in Harlem, Body Double, Amazons and Deadly Embrace)suffers no fools, gives the lay of the land (PUN INTENDED!) and tells the new inmates of the chores they can do to lighten their sentence.

Detectives Stoner (character actor extraordinaire James Hong of Chinatown, Bladerunner, Big Trouble in Little China, Merlin, Wayne's World 2, The Shadow, Mulan, Bladerunner video game, Spawn, Jackie Chan Adventures and RIPD) and Elston (Hugh Farrington of T.J. Hooker, Arizona Heat, Airwolf, The Terminator and Caged Heat) look into Tracey's rushed arrest and there is none on the books. Like she wasn't even charged or processed.

Feeling something's hinky between the jail and the porn kingpin so it's time for a montage??? Nah they just start investigating but hitting the streets and contacts a little rougher.

Will Tracey be locked up indefinitely?? How the hell would a prison get away with this?? And why does Paul Smith speak his lines so softly?

So the crux is young girls goof and get used and abused. Crooked system, crooked guards and warden. Seen it. This is not Chained Heat, folks. Never thought I would be using that as a base of comparison but there it is. The creativity is there but not a lot of follow through. This doesn't feel like the prison isn't being observed and even if it wasn't, um California taxes pay attention if not just the justice system. The warden will have pay for all the lingerie plus her bondage outfits and boy that does show up on a credit card purchase. Not sure the theme is either reform school girls or wayward girls. No real direct distinction.

Is it a thriller or is just an excuse to parade girls around in Fredrick's of Hollywood apparel. Primarily this is a sex slave scenario of millionaires blowing into town, porking away on their dollar and off they go. There is some actual drama between Tracey and Rhonda as they have each others' backs but the tropes are a bit heavy in this one. And the warden is channeling her inner Dyanne Thorne of the Ilsa She-Wolf series. Hell her name is Sybil Thorn which many believe a nod to both Sybil Danning of Chained Heat and Dyanne Thorne of Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS.

Exterior shots aside, my God California is some gorgeous country. From mountains, the desert and the forests, you forget how much of this nature beauty is there. Run time is 95 mins normally but there is an 85 min version.

Not my cup of tea but it has an audience somewhere and certainly not the darkest WIP film I have seen.

Critters 3 got kinky.