Heya folks and welcome back to Rotten
Reelz Reviews. Quick question... are some of you completely and
utterly crackers or just without souls? I got messages begging me
to review more of the unofficial sequels to Zombi and I have decided
from this day forth they will be referred as Barely Legal Zombi
Sequels. Catchy, right? I can just envision some horny guy
snapping onto this blog only to NOT find full frontal nudity. Awww
poor guy I made up but probably exists. With that in mind, the last
one I reviewed was the befuddling, slapped together mismatch that was
Zombi 3 or Flesh Eaters 2. Hell pick a title and roll with it. That
film was when director Lucio Fulchi had a minor then a major
stroke and could no longer work on it. They claim he did 70 minutes
of the film, then exploitation director Bruno Mattei stepped
in, sliced it down to about 50 minutes off the original footage and
he and writer Claudio Fargasso made 40 minutes of their own. Yup,
nothing replaces the man that brought us The Gates of Hell trilogy
like the guys behind Strike Commando, Shocking
Dark a.k.a. Terminator 2, Cop Game and Troll
2. At least I had fun teasing the film about its many plot
sinkholes but now I am supposed to watch this??!!! This is Zombi
4: After Death.
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| Dude, stop farting on the boat!! |
Without any real assistance, this is
Claudio Fargasso's baby and boy does it look like a turd from one of
the mutants from either The Hills Have Eyes or possibly Wrong Turn 2:
Dead End. Opening credits? Well okay but first cave shot lit up
like either a 70s porno or an 80s music video. Pick one, they're
probably using the same stock of film. Our cavern is lit by a few
candles with this funky New Wave music as background with a Voodoo
Priest that looks like Marvel Comics Brother Voodoo let himself go.
Cut to shrieking black woman that resemble Chakka Khan as she twist
and cavorts in what I believe to be interpretative dance or possibly a
jazzercise video.
A group of scientists came to this
remote island of who the hell knows where (maybe Haiti but
really the Phillipines) to come up with a cure for cancer.
Somehow whitey scientist offended Voodoo priest and he sicked his pet
zombies on them and they sort look like deadites on some level. The
lead scientists are killed but for the grace of plot convenience
their little girl makes it off the island. Twenty years later, (And
given the lack of music, slang and clothes change you really believe
that) Jenny (Candice Daly of Hell Hunters, Cop Game,
Heart of Darkness and The Young and the Restless) is leading
a team of scientists to the SAME DAMN ISLAND her parents were eaten
and devoured like so many chicken wings during the Final Four!
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| AHHH!!! I HATE VACATION PHOTOS!!! AHHHH!!!! |
To be at the ready, the scientists
hired some mercenaries probably burned out from Vietnam but
apparently they couldn't afford The Expendables, so they got The
Cannon Fodders. We got Rod (Nick Nicholson of American Ninja,
Platoon, The House of Pleasure, Vulcan and Birds of Passage),
David a.k.a. Italian Chuck Norris (Massimo Vanni ofThe Last
Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Escape
from the Bronx, Strike Commando, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark),
Chuck (Adult film actor Jeff Stryker of Powertool, Dirty Love,
Jamie Loves Jeff, Ladies' Man and Every Which Way) and
cruelly placed token black guy only known as Mad (Jim Moss of
Eye of the Eagle, Saigon Commandos, Trigon Fire, The Hunted, Blood
Ring, Kill Zone and Angelfist). Yessir, bunch of fine
lookin' badasses we have.
Predictably they find the book the
Voodoo priest was using and start reading out loud from the book.
Folks, did Evil Dead not teach these knuckle knobs anything? Or
Fraiser's The Mummy?? YOU MUST NOT READ FROM THE BOOK!!!!
Of course this disturbs the dead yet
again and they are engulfing the island in sheer numbers. Some are
fast, others shamble, Hell we even have some talking zombies
because...eh. Reasons.
Will our collective ninny hammers find
the cure? Will the mercs "GIT SOME!!"???
A few questions for anyone left with a
brain stem. How did young Jenny ever get off the island on a raft?
She had adequate food, water and protection from the sun's rays to
avoid heat stroke, all the while paddled everyday into a major
shipping lane? Why wouldn't she just direct people to the island
rather than visit it? If you were going to visit this island,
shouldn't this be a military operation with back up, support and
serious boots on the ground?
The camera work is irritating, the
soundtrack fades in and out at times and our characters are more dull
than a wooden spoon. The gore effects are substantial and our
loopier mercs kinda look like Dennis Hopper and Kris Kristofferson ,so
that was fun. Yup, had me a few Blade riffs thrown in. Sorry guys,
but no ridiculous out of place nudity in this film which stunned me
to no end.
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| Tussin with remove even the Devil!! |
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