Empire of the Dark

Hey folks. With the passing of character actor Joseph Pilato (Captain Rhodes of Day of the Dead) happening and some few requests for a Richard Harrsion film, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone. That is until I realized today's movie has the trifecta of "Oh Boy." with the director/writer/lead protagonist all being Steve Barkett (The Aftermath, Beverly Hills Vamp, Wizards of the Demon Sword, Dinosaur Island, Hard Bounty and Droid Gunner), I may have stepped into it. We will see. This is Empire of the Dark a.k.a. Evil Night.

Stevie Nicks' videos are weird.

Quick question for those that requested it, um who is Richard Harrison? I mean aside from the snippets of footage of him in several Godfrey Ho films, I really don't know about Richard Harrison at all. He did a handful of the Sword and Sandals flicks for Umberto Lenzi and Antonio Margheriti. Other than that, I really don't know much about him.

So fellas, being a divorced guy I know the score. You break up, the ex wants to explore new places, meet new people and typically she falls into a cult. Am I right? Well for Richard Flynn P.I. (Steve Barkett), it's just another day in the life. Yes rather than chasing down a cheating husband or bail jumper, our "Hero" is involved in a mystery. The main mystery how this film got any financing.

The ex-wife Angela (Tera Hendrickson of Havana, Empire of the Dark, Deadly Dancer, Casino, Delta, Roseanne and Ellen) pleads for Richard to save her baby and Bulbous Man springs into action. Well, he sort of shoots a lot and does the hero trope "NooOoOOOOOO!!!" when she dies.

Going through a other dimensional vortex, Flynn (who looks like he should be doing my dry wall and not an action hero) fends off a cult, rescues a stolen baby and travels back through the vortex victoriously. 20 years later, he has been in rigid training... by that I mean he doesn't miss a buffet at the Golden Corral, has the martial weapons prowess of a blind baboon with two clubbed feet and apparently is a crack shot with a revolver stuck on unlimited ammo mode.

Our protagonist is a doughy boy, balding while wearing a Jeff Foxworthy mustache, has the fight choreography prowess of a bloated walrus and looks like he is going to have a heart attack in every action scene.

Doughy Man with realistic sausagey fingered grip!

Our crazed cult leader Arkham (Richard Harrison of Secret Agent Fireball, Messalina vs the Son of Hercules,Terror Force Commando, Ninja Dragon, Diamond Ninja Force, The Ninja Showdown, Above the War, Rescue Force and Highway to Hell), a well-built, martial artist and with tons of films under his belt is...the Master from Manos? Oh sorry, he is the cult's leader that is attempting to bring the unspeakable evil to the world and Hell may reign over the planet for all eternity!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, so there's that.

Poor actor/vo actor Joe Pilato (Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, The Young and The Restless, Terminal Force, Shooters, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Fatal Passion, BeetleBorgs, Star Trek: Starfleet Academy and Wishmaster) was given an old man wig and a cane and next to no direction. He literally looked baffled, confused and no idea what he signed up for. This man can play a hard ass, a good uncle and a decent cop. In this? Well your guess is as good as mine.

Yes! Axe Body Spray ads, you didn't lie!

The more this film goes on, I feel like it's that Neil Breen's (Double Down) bible. I mean this is just painful. The blocking is laughable, more than half of Barkett's lines have clearly been ADR in and the guy barely sounds like him. A gaggle of women added to this flick are unaccredited, probably because it would bring great shame to their families and the broadswords they are using are clearly replicas that are heavier than actual spring steel or aluminum blades.

NO ONE has any stunt safety. They chucked an actual spear at Barkett and he ducks in time. Meanwhile my brain is reeling from how badly that stunt could have ended. They're called jump cuts!!! You brain dead ass!!! His sidekick son (actual son Christopher Barkett) looks either bored, clueless from scene to scene or simply emotes as well as Dad. So if that was what you were going for, bravo! You aced that!

So you get those Toto tickets you promised me, Satan?

The blocking is terrible, there are scenes that clearly need retakes, lighting is...okay. Sound quality? Dear God he needed a better boom mic or put a windsock on it. Hell the title doesn't even make sense when there was no empire to speak of. The alternative title doesn't add up either given this took place longer than a night.

This movie looks like what you would show film students the dos and don'ts of film making. Have some level of budget to include some fight choreography, aluminum blades for most scenes and some real steel blades for close up shots. When you go this ambitious, remember that as the lead actor you can get HURT! Look I am not kicking this man in the stomach. I can see the passion he has for the project. He wants this to come off as a hybrid of Brosnan's Death Wish meets Krull but baby it just ain't so.   Hell I am amazed they had blank firing guns and didn't just risk almost shooting each other.

The creature effects, stop motion animations, miniature scale and overall visual effects from Jim Davison of 4 Ward Productions (Bride of Re-Animator, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Batman Returns, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid and Tremors 4: The Legend Begins) is solid work. But when you have this donut muncher shooting at a bunch of guys in robes with a sit prone firing position with almost every response to the danger, it loses its luster. Which really blows because the creature effects and scale models looked damn good.

With all these extras that were clearly friends and family, you forget there are actual actors trying their best with this script that you wouldn't wipe your butt with. You'd use poison ivy or something more irritating, like a Paul W. S. Anderson script.

For God's sake, learn a hip throw and just get a black training mat for your opponent/stuntman to land on! Simulate a throat strike, snap kick at a knee, grab a rubber knife and slash a throat!

At the end of the day, if you need an unintentional comedy, here's your flick. Need a drinking game movie? You're in luck. You want a story that isn't so convoluted, goofy and the lead protagonist having less sex appeal than roadkill, well go look at anything else. Hell even Krull. Yeah sorry, still not a fan.

Damn you, Axe Body Spray! Again with this crap!!