The Horrible Sexy Vampire

Greetings and hello Rotten Readers! Readers of Rotten?? I'm word shopping here. Bear with me.

After the last abysmal ,jiggly vampire fest; I just know I am going to have a similar round of disappointment with today's movie. How do I come to this conclusion? Well this is an all Spanish cast and crew, filmed in Germany and English (poorly dubbed) is the third language. 

 Guaranteeing me this shan't be a tooter and a titter. This is The Horrible Sexy Vampire.a.k.a. The Vampire of the Highway and Der Vampir von Schloss Frankenstein.

Tee hee!

Well an alternative title film. Yeah, those never end up as a flaming dumpster fire.

Our story begins a ride down the motorway with a jaunty whistled tune. Young couple stop at the first available tavern/inn for some much needed rest. In a room where the beds were made for garden gnomes. Seriously these beds are so tiny, stuffed animals would have complained.

A minute and forty and already the woman is down to bra and panties. You just reek of classy, Movie. While Arthur checks on an open window and draws Marie a bath. Nudity clause fulfilled.

I'm not even kidding. 2 minutes in and boom. So yuuuuup there be titties in the flick. The hint could have been in the title. Arthur hits the shower and then goes into a mime act leaving us to believe he is being strangled? Was the Invisible Man in the shower? Marie becomes curious to why Arthur is so quiet, finding him dead in the tub and she screams at something off camera. Cue opening credits! She may want to contact those guys with the unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs.

And when do you feel these erotic notions of vampires?

Cut to the Commissioner (Barta Barri of Horror Express, Dr. Jekyll vs The Werewolf, Treasure Island The Black Wolf, Revenge of the Black Wolf and Monster Dog) and no we don't know his name but he is clearly dubbed via English by none other than Edward Mannix. Those dulcet tones makes me name him Commissioner Mannix for the time being to the morgue looking at either cigar burns or giant hickies on both victims. The doctor invites said Commissioner around to his place for a drink and he will share his "findings". Ooooh my!   Not even the ten minute mark and I can already feel the numbing effect of a slow plot and series of subplots at the ready. Thankfully titty will plug all those pesky plotholes, right fellas? Meh.

Doctor Yammersalot (not actual name but he does yammer...a lot.) proceeds to inform Commissioner Mannix about the murders are far too similar to a series of murders that remained unsolved in this area and his family is both ancient and practice medicine. So over port and cigars, he pitches a vampire theory as his family's historical accounts that happened in the land have laid out the deaths in that time period are identical to the ones they just found.  A 28 year occurrence within a 7 day period a murder happens.  Precisely 28 years separate these murders.

It Takes Two...to Murder.

With Count Oblensky (Wal Davis of A Virgin Among the Living Dead, La hiena, Yuka, El pez de los ojos de oro, Les gloutonnes and Cipolla Colt), living heir to the Winninger Estate which includes an ancestral castle filled with darkness and rumors of an ancient tale of unsolved murders in the area and surrounding lands. Well, that was fun. Pack it up, kiddies. We're leaving. Oh crap. It's only been 25 minutes. Grrr. After some research our young count comes to the conclusion that these murders are all possibly linked to the former Baron who resided in the castle at the time. Dinking around in the cellar/dungeons, he encounters a coffin with oddly enough, the very Baron his notes warned him about.

Chief of Police (Luis Induni of The Rape of the Sabine Women, Fall of the Mohicans, That Man in Instanbul and Transplant of a Brain) is chastising Commissioner Mannix and I will have none of that, dammit.

The evening shots were cracking me up. Not because it was a day for night filter, because that had excellent night lighting. No it was the public domain jungle noises they were using as background. Jungle noises....in the mountains of Germany. Yup that checks out fine. Also it sound like the foley arts guy is walking around a trail of shredded wheat with all this crunching.

OKAY! SPOILERS!!

Yeah I know I don't do this often any more but let's be honest, none of you are going to flock to your used bookstores, pawn shops or Wal-Mart to hope and pray you get a copy of this.

First off, no vampirism. To expand on this I mean no blood spilled, let or drained. Our vampire strangles people to death. Then we have an off-screen draining and a big ass hicky on the neck.

Secondly, our vampire has learned the mystic arts of invisiblity so it looks like a piss poor mime act gone horribly awry.

Third, yes there is titty. Now I know I covered that anyway but just making sure everyone was reading this.

Baron Throttles or Winninger if you prefer, is both a masochist and a sadist as he taunts the young count into staking him or the Baron cannot be held accountable for his actions. The actions he is doing of his own free will. HUH?! 

Why does Doctor Yammersalot's entire family history jot down murders for the last 300 plus years? Who is that morbid and/or bored?   How do you vampire if you never drink blood?  Who put the ram in the rama-lam-ding-dong?

So yes this was long, dull and no vampire action to be had. We have so many plot holes, it's like dodging turds on the grounds of a dog park. Eventually you'll step in one and deal with the hassle of clean up. I have developed a new term. I call it: Bore Porn. No plot, poor character evolution, story lag but there's titty. BORE PORN!

If you have an unruly teen you need to get back in line, force this movie on them. If you now hate your best friend, subject them to this film. If the local church won't stop harassing you, force this movie on them.

Right, flashlight wards Mole People, cross for vampires.