Zombie Army

Okay campers, how are we? Well today's film should be quite illuminating. No I am kidding, it's a SOV (Shot on VHS). These geniuses thought a home movie look would be significantly cheaper to create a movie on and they're right. That process would be cheaper and it looks like crap trying to process it to 35mm and back to video. This is Zombie Army.

Brother, can you spare some brains?

We start the film with a homemade anti-piracy threat of they'll rip out lungs out if we copy it.  If this wasn't a fan request, I wouldn't have gone near this potential stinky diaper. Not because I think SOV was a bad call but YET ANOTHER Zombie film.  I presume that poor audio was capturing monkeys farting on a snare drum or the junior high band student they got to establish a military flick just saw Platoon. With all the naughty bits in it.

We have a couple scientists with a high budget they seem to be in a high school hallway as they converse and kids pour in. I count 6 guys in lab coats, so I guess they teach here. The professor is giving a lecture while we get odd flashback scenes of a kid getting dunked into a bathtub. Yeah I can't correlate these scenes either. With so much grain on the screen I'm pretty sure I am staring at a field of wheat.

Naturally we cannot know what director Betty Stapleford's (Zombie Army) true vision is yet. Pretty sure it revolves around hash brownies. Ow, they added the creepy sting music in later and it is much louder than the dialogue. Just hurt my ears. Professor Hipster beard was actually a part of an elaborate test to see if they could conform a convicted rapist and murderer into a productive member of society. Then he loses his shit and they have to drug him on the spot. Experiment failed!

You're not Mr. Cooper and I refuse to hang with you!

The nuts take over the school er um asylum and madness looms in the air.  Not really.   Due to government rationing of expenses, the hospital is supposed to be shut down. Which the rest of the staff is informed after tossing Professor Hipster and a woman thinking she is a little girl into solitary. Together. Yes we have implied rape scenarios too. Nothing but class for this viewer, let me tell you.

The military takes over the hospital and its grounds because...the budget? Hell if I know. I have seen the layout of the place and you really couldn't fortify it much to say the least. And you know they're serious, they even brought their willy jeeps. A jeep that was replaced by the Humvee what? 70 years ago?  Time Traveling Militia!!!!

So Colonel Plot Point rambles on how the nuts got tossed out on the street and they have these buildings for nothing. The military in a habit of taking over disused complexes?  This place was thoroughly checked from top to bottom. That's how the starving crazies managed to sneak on up on trained infantry. Look I have a light step but sneaking up on a soldier can be difficult without similar training.

The two remaining nuts use electroshock therapy on soldiers they have clubbed to death and somehow they're re-animated. Sure. Fine. Why the hell not. One of the zombies is trying to be Bub to Professor Hipster's Dr. Logan via Day of the Dead. Just not well. This film drags on longer than a dog's poop after eating a wheel of cheese.

Gomer Pyle vs Zombies.

Anyway zombies vs army blah blah blah. I like the idea of filming in an abandoned complex but I think I would go more ghost story than anything else. The decades if not two centuries worth of illegal or immoral experimentation to better understand the human mind? But that's what I would have wrote.

Instead we got closet zombies, bad jump scares and scare stinger chords that hurt the ears. Surprised the "Army" were armed with cap guns.  The zombie makeup is competent, the innards look decent and one could possibly grossed out on this.   Oh sorry almost forgot to mention, "Yes there is titty in this film."   Thank God we got that covered. 

 If I want incompetent soldiers, zombies galore and some creepy rape scenario, I will watch the scintillating opus that is Day of the Dead: Bloodlines.

This stink nugget is 82 mins long and moves at the speed most cancers do. The dialogue is barely heard, the story has so many subplots and our "actors" look bored more than anything else.

So if you have 82 minutes to spare, watch this movie. If you stopped loving life, watch this movie. If you want to not how to NOT shoot a movie, watch this movie. If your kids are misbehaving, make them watch this movie and take notes.

I wanna be Captain Rhodes, dammit!