Conquest

What's this? A Sword and Sorcery movie made by that "Horror mogul" Lucio Fulci? But all he does is Horror...and some child movies, Westerns and it's almost like no one researches this director worth a damn. Predominately Fulci is known for his Gates of Hell Trilogy (City of the Living Dead, The Beyond and The House By the Cemetery) and folks seem to forget how versatile Italian directors had to be from the 70s to 80s. But really a guy with a magical bow that can rid the world of its evil? That man has made enemies he doesn't even know exists. This is Conquest a.k.a. Mace the Outcast.

Femme Arrow.

Let's address the biggest issue of this movie. FOG!   Yeah throughout this whole movie is a fog-like effect around the screen, whether it is a veil over the camera or a ton of foggers, it dominates the movie. Yes it hurt my photophobic eyes something fierce.

A young warrior in training, Ilias (Andrea Occhipinti of Augh! Augh!, Priest of Love, The New York Ripper, A Blade in the Dark, The Sun Also Rises, Miranda, The Family, Control, The Jeweller's Shop, Running Away, Love of Man and Queens) is on a quest to deal with evil and then it dawns on me that I recognize him from The New York Ripper and started laughing. Better known to being sensitive and complex characters rather than heroic figures. He has been charged with a quest to end the corruption of Ocron. The god Chronos bequeath Ilias a magical bow which is his ascend to manhood??  Okay.

All of the sudden, it's Cave Dwellers now.

Our villainess of this piece, Ocron (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, College Girl on Vacation, Blue Island, Daughter of the Jungle, Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Ator,the Fighting Eagle, 2020 Texas Gladiators and The Throne of Fire)and yes she is almost completely nude through the entire film.  A sorceress that charmed her legions of darkness...by sleeping with them.  .Spider-Men, Dog-Men, zombies and various other animal men.  Yeah she's filled with darkness...and animal men.  She claims to the people that she is responsible to rising and setting of the sun and they believe her. That she is in league with the sun goddess and hold her audience. Methinks the village isn't particularly bright. I mean they sent one guy out to deal with this so yeah I am baffled.

Whatchu mean I gotta star in Werewolf?

Our protagonist is a mere man that only skill set really is uncanny accuracy with his bow. He needs help. Enter Mace (Jorge Rivero of Rio Lobo, The Two Brothers, Guns and Guts, The Bullfighters, The Last Hard Men, Erotica, Priest of Love, Killing Machice and Counterforce) a muscle bound ranger that talks to the animals. Think less Dar of The Beastmaster and more Kronk of The Emperor's New Groove. Mace's wig is pretty awful. Looks like they grabbed a beaver pelt and plunked it on his head. Maybe got around to scooping organs and bones out of it, maybe.

Given the time this was released we can have our outrage of Conan the Barbarian rip-off; or we could also point out such films like Iron Master, The Beastmaster and Ator, the Fighting Eagle and realize these Sword and Sorcery stories pretty commonplace in the 1980s and prone to a fair amount of nudity and violence. That being said a lot of creativity in some of these Sci-Fi Fantasy jiggle fests IF they could ratchet in how much T&A they drop into film to film. Not gonna lie ladies, there's pillaging in this film. No I was blissfully unaware of that UNTIL I laid eyes on it. Yeah I'm not thrilled.

Loved Mace has stone nunchuks but what was disturbing is Mace wore the mark of Eibon from The Beyond on his forehead so I am wondering if they simply wanted to link the two movies or was this a story of Eibon before The Beyond establishing the ancient mythos being fact. Mace and Ilias' quest seems primarily based around fighting the werewolf men, shooting pervy old men and porking their fill of cave women. Don't worry, our heroes do get their asses handed to them several times, have the manly embraces and do not dally from their goal.

For some reason we need fricking zombies. Yeah that seems to be a staple for Fulci. I was waiting for zombies in his western flicks too. Hmm actually the Zombi of the Old West actually sounds awesome. Nudity and gore gags aside, something about this film compels you to keep watching it to the end.

Okay so this wasn't Shakespeare. Neither was Conan the Barbarian, The Beastmaster or Ator, the Fighting Eagle. This is a popcorn movie with sci-fi fantasy about two mortal men facing ridiculous odds for a bunch of unseen or unnamed peasants. They suffer the slings and arrows of mass pummeling in order to dive into the struggle of the light and the darkness.

Yes fellas reading this, this is chock full of titty. You can relax now. I have plenty of spoilers that utterly baffled me on this movie but you will have to read someone else's blog because I don't do spoilers as a rule.

Dessstro!!!

The Mandalorian

Good day my readers and welcome back. So with the pandemic I have been asked to do a few outbreak/plague/zombie movie reviews and...no. I will maybe partake in a little of that click bait later but as of now, I would rather talk about a decent series instead. With Disney behaving like Skynet consolidating multiple companies under the Conglomerate of the Mouse, it leaves us wondering how will the Disney Star Wars hold up. Well I enjoyed Rogue One, The latter sequels have a varied effect (we won't be going into that right this minute) and the Solo prequel was...a film. So instead of that, the flavor of the last 5 months has to be the lone hunter roaming the planetary systems...catching bounties. This is The Mandalorian.

Better than Boba, baby!

As it was written following closer to the Expanded Universe (Star Wars Novels) we have a tale of a capable hunter (Pedro Pascal of Good vs Evil, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Without a Trace, The Good Wife, Burn Notice: The Fall of Sam Axe, Red Widow and The Mentalist) from the Mandalorian tribes as the planetary system of Mandalore was long since attacked and unified under the Empire during a military campaign simply known as The Purge. Yeah I may have read a few Star War books. Our hunter is hot on pursuit claiming bounties left and right as a true Mandalorian does, the art of the hunt is very much part of his culture, as is wearing and brandishing weapons a part of his religion. They reveal themselves to no one as the helmet and armor is their identity. They can chose to reveal their name but it is rare the trust outside of the clan is warranted.

It's a living...

Head of the Bounty Hunter's Guild,Greef Karga (Carl Weathers of Rocky, Force 10 from Navarone, Rocky II, Death Hunt, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Predator, Action Jackson, Street Justice and In the Heat of the Night) is doling out bounty contracts left and right but pickings are slim. Not everyone in the galaxy like paying Guild costs but a private customer wants a job done and done right. The contract has been open to anyone thinking they can do the job so Mando has quite a bit of competition to deal with. Meeting with the Ugnaught tinkerer/farmer/ Blurrg rancher Kuiil (Nick Nolte of Rich Man, Poor Man, 48 Hrs.,Under Fire, Farewell to the King, Another 48 Hrs., The Prince of Tides, Blue Chips, Mulholland Falls, Nightwatch, Affliction, Hulk and The Beautiful Country) , Kuiil begins to warn Mando how many strangers are on this rock of a moon he has claimed for his own. Including one of those damn IG (Assassination Droid or Combat Model) that operate on pure logic and no emotional or behavioral protocols. Nevertheless IG-11(voiced by writer/director/actor Taika Waititi of Thor Ragnarok, Jojo Rabbit and What We Do in the Shadows) find the asset to find out it is an infant. A species of slow gestation period and this puts Mando on the spot.

The commission puts our gunslinger in a moral quagmire. On one hand, he is honor bound to fulfill his contract. With the other is the contract is an abduction and handing it over to the Remnants of the Empire as his client. So what is a well-armed, well-trained fella to do?

The prophecy spoke of this one. He who will save the franchise.

Mando feels a certain responsibility for this young charge and cannot believe how much the little one's bounty has gone up. With "fellow" hunters, cut throats, raiders and the like are gunning for this child, Mando has to keep a clear head, watch his alliances and hope his skills last.

On the run, he encounters a former Heavy gunner Cara Dune (Gina Carano of Blood and Bone, Haywire, Fast & Furious 6, Almost Human, In the Blood, Heist, Extraction, Deadpool, Kickboxer: Vengeance and Scorched Earth) a woman wearing her heart on her sleeve and haunted by her demons and loss of friends in the war. Survivor's guilt for a warrior without a war.

What this show is ultimately is Space Spaghetti Western. A lone gunslinger with his own code and honor. Ruffians, back shooters and cowboy trash hate him because he is one of the best at what he does. Clients are thrilled how effective and thorough he is for each job and his liaison for the Guild loves how much money this man rakes in for him.

Thinking of his own childhood and how everything went pear shaped for Mando, he worries for the child and genuinely has feelings for him.

For those paying attention, our conflicted gunfighter has a rapport with the master armorer (Emily Swallow of Southland, The Good Wife, Monday Mornings, The Mentalist, Adoptable, Timeless and Castlevania) while she makes him the finest armor of Beskar Steel (strongest steel of Mandalore), she asks him of his hunts and if they have been successful. There is a distance between them but you almost feel as though she still considers him a young charge and not the seasoned hunter he is.

For the more keen eyed Stars Wars buff, you damn right we got Easter eggs. I will give only one spoiler though. Salicious Crumb (Jabba the Hutt's little puppet friend that attacked C-3PO in Return of the Jedi), one of his species is roasting on a spit. Damn near choked on my drink.

With director/producer Jon Favreau (Swingers, Made, The Big Empty, Dinner for Five, Iron Man Iron Man 2, Cowboys &Aliens) along side writer Dave Filoni (Star Wars Rebels, The Mandalorian, Star Wars Resistance and Star Wars: The Clone Wars) basically reworking episodes of Westerns worthy of Gunsmoke and the Virginian, the lawlessness of the galaxy is shown, mercy is in rare amounts and people tend to not stick their neck out, even for a worthy cause. But like the morals of the first three films, there will always be dreamers, warriors and adventurers in the strangest of settings, looking for a cause or an out of their own lives and fight for what's right.

Plenty of references to the original trilogy so nothing gone wrong there and saddle up cowboys, Season 2 has to be a go. They would be damn fools to let this potential goldmine sail away. Between Cosplayers already building this armor, Halloween costumes at the ready, action figures of the series and yes more than a fair share of Baby Yoda prototypes in the mix, this should do well for itself and gives us old fart Star Wars fans hope that good writing will prevail.

E-Webs are damn fun.

Killer Crocodile II

Hey folks back again. Thought we would do a sequel to a Creature Feature we have already covered. Yes I do have some disdain for sequels but I thought this time around, I could be entertained. Granted that didn't work with the loosely linked Zombi unofficial sequels but that is for an entirely different scenario so let's see if director Giannetto De Rossi can manage this task. This is Killer Crocodile 2.

Is this the buffet? It all looks so good.

No unusual alternative titles lashed to this movies so it was a bit odd but it doesn't necessarily mean it is awful.  The reappearance of Richard Anthony Crenna for this does bring comfort to the continuity.  Our previous director/writer Fabrizio De Angelis (Thunder, Deadly Impact, The Manhunt, Operation Nam, Thunder II, Karate Warrior, The Overthrow, Thunder III, Karate Warrior 2, and The Last Match) is alongside with makeup artist/writer/director Giannetto De Rossi (Cy Warrior, Killer Crocodile 2 and Tummy) felt the need to have Kevin had to reprise his character. We have the atypical and corrupt land developer dumping radioactive waste in the local swamps because...plot device. Seriously, the concept of the ecosystem damage doesn't even register. We don't even have an old wizened wise man warning of said greedy developer the wrongness of his ways.

OMG! Bugs are icky!

So with the ooze dumped in the swamps ambitious journalist Liza (Debra Karr of Stingray, A Stranger Waits, Killer Crocodile 2 and Vulgar) is neck deep into trouble and is going to need some help to get this story out. Corruption, bribes and buying and selling people off would make an embarrassment and she will have to be silenced...forever. It gets goofier. Oh yes, the land in question is being redeveloped for a resort. Yeah, imagine this very area that had a gargantuan croc and there couldn't possibly be another of its kind again, could there?

Our cruise director is a bit busy and bloody.

Not Quint, Joe is also back as his bad ass croc hunter self (Ennio Girolami of The Nights of Cabiria, Fury of Achilles, The Feast of Satan, Sexy Sinners, The Last Shark, Tenebrae, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx, Operation Nam and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) and he and Kevin both feel obligated to help Liza as she revealed another crocodile of unusual size and stature.

Fun Film Facts! No, not really.

Our director is also responsible for the SFX make-up for Fulci's Zombie and The Beyond but funnier than that, is composer Riz Ortolani of Cannibal Holocaust.

The original film and this sequel were shot back to back allowing continuity to NOT screw up.

See how that works, Hollywood?! Italy is kicking your ass...with a creature feature flick!

Okay that all aside, this film's story is almost carbon copy of the original, they even re-use a lot of the footage from the previous movie and it clearly shows. Ladies reading this, yes there is a implied rape scene. Nothing visual but I guess it just wouldn't feel lawless if they didn't add it to "spice" things up.

Is this film better than the sequel? No, it isn't. As far as a film standing on its own, it encompasses the original. It attempted its own story line but mostly hashed previous footage and per-existing characters in the hopes the huge resort story didn't end up being a plot hole. Villagers, poachers and fishermen make up the bulk of the croc's diet and steps are taken to find out 50 foot long beasty.

The practical SFX of creature, gore gags and the like are on par with the original. The story feels more convoluted than Jaws 3. Yes I said it! Jaws 3 is superior to Killer Crocodile II.

More teeth than the entire Osmond family.