Friday the 13th Part IX: The Final Friday

Well the continuity may have a problem here. Hi folks. Friday the 13^th is upon us. Well there's a Friday I hadn't covered. I have put it off long enough. Bleh. After melting him with toxic waste in the 8^th film (somehow transmogrified into a small boy) and before he was sent into space. There was to be another "Final Friday". This is Friday the 13^th Part IX: Jason Goes to Hell a.k.a. Friday the 13^th Anniversary of Jason a.k.a. Friday the 13^th Part IX: The Dark Heart of Jason Voorhees a.k.a. Friday the 13^th: Heart of Darkness and Jason Goes to Hell

Um, my head's oozing out of my mask.

With no real explanation other than the writers forgetting about part 8, Jason is not a small lad but the size of Kane Hodder and already back to his wicked ways of butchery around Crystal Lake as he stalks after smoking hotty (Julie Michaels of Roadhouse, Jason Goes to Hell, Married...with Children, Batman & Robin, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and SEAL Team) when it appears to be a sting by the FBI and holy jeebus they open up on him with assault weapons and even a grenade launcher blasting Voorhees to charcoaled chunky bits. 

The End!

Okay no...not really but Hodder isn't going to be running around in his jumpsuit for some time because...we have exposition back story, establishing the Voorhees bloodline continued beyond Jason and Pamela. Yup an sister. Because? Oh why the hell not. Rather than the traditional undead mongoloid slasher, director Adam Marcus (Jason Goes to Hell: Final Friday, Let It Snow, Conspiracy, Fitz and Slade and Secret Santa)decided the body of Jason has been dead for ages and only a dark force or entity that resided in the body, waiting to be released again.

Woohoo! Jason found him a Regular Saturday Night Thang.

The morgue and surrounding guards and cops are all slaughtered in tried and true Voorhees style, leaving bits and body parts everywhere. Do we have a copycat or did Jason rise from the grave?..again?

Local anchor reporter Robert Campbell (Steven Culp of ER, JAG, Star Trek: Enterprise, The West Wing, Saving Grace, Desperate Housewives and Arrow) is doing an in-depth story of the mass murderer himself, showing the folks back home ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE on a local broadcast and even contracts a manhunter to kill Jason for the sum total of a quarter of a million dollars. Two things. 1) You just announced on the air you hired a contract killer. 2) that contract regardless if it is aimed at an undead mongoloid hillbilly, IS A FELONY!

Our manhunter himself, Creighton Duke (Steven Williams of 21 Jump Street, L.A.Law, L.A.Heat, The X-Files, DarkWolf, Stargate SG-1 and Supernatural) is poised to hunt Jason down even as that interview has been made. Yeah it will be tough to follow his trail of broken, bloody and gouged bodies laying strewn like so many rag dolls. It should be a cinch to find Voorhees except one minor detail...his body is lumped in the ravaged morgue. So who is doing all the killing?

Get off me, Gil Gerrard!!

Subplot adds a striving descendants of Voorhees, the Kimbles Diana (Erin Gray of Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century, Magnum, P.I., Code of Vengeance, Silver Spoons, Starman, Breaking Home Ties, The Princess and the Dwarf, Almost Home, Burke's Law,Baywatch, Port Charles, The Guild and Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return) and Jessica (Kari Keegan of The Prince of Pennsylvania, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Jerry Maguire, Maggie and Mind Games) trying to eek out a proper life in spite of the looming terror that is their family curse.

Yup, now we got lore. Supernatural lore. Like undead mongoloid hillbilly zombie isn't supernatural enough. Now we got a bloodline story. The darkness that makes up Jason can be reborn through one of his bloodline. While that is nutty enough; we have an alumni of Friday the 13^th: The Series, John D. LeMay (Friday the 13^th: The Series, Tour of Duty, Eddie Dodd, Sisters, Without a Map, Totally Blonde, and E-Ring) so sort of a universal crossover perhaps?

Now the nitpicks. The MPAA neutered the crap out of this flick. All of KNB Group gore effects are almost completely diminished, the nudity is mild and Kane Hodder third time at bat as Jason.  Also there are 3 versions of this movie, I'm having Highlander 2: The Quickening flashbacks!!!

So we have the theatrical release which was 87 minutes of garbled mess, the 91 minutes that added a bit more gore in it and finally a whopping 130 minutes of it being completely uncut (insert penis joke) and all cells used from what I understand.

Dukey Pukey is bestowing his knowledge of Jason and his new mystical aspect to Steven (John D. LeMay) because game knows game. Or something.  Don't worry fellas, there's titty as you so often demand. Yes we do get the vital element to Friday the 13^th films: horny teens, booze, nudity and elaborate death scenes.

While this is one of the more creative take away from the sequels similar creating a twist like Part V: A New Beginning; trying to break away from the stagnate of Crystal Lake inhabitants and horny teens getting gacked by unconventional means and over the top murders.

That being said, changing Jason as some malefic force of damnation, hopping from body to body creating mayhem and chaos. Creative yes but a tad late into the series to introduce a new story element like such, let alone additional unmentioned family members.

As for the burning question of Freddy's glove reaching up snatching up Voorhees' mask was a hint to New Line Cinema and Paramount scheduled to make the crossover movie; Freddy Vs Jason...a film stuck in development hell for 10 years!  Not to stir up old feelings but the director of that movie didn't want Kane Hodder vs Robert Englund. Because...6'3" wasn't tall enough for that director's take.

Many of the fans had issues with the dark soul of Jason body hopping and felt it did an injustice to the franchise. I mean if you can stay tried and true to a mother avenging the death of her son, who didn't die, later replaced by a pissed off EMT and soon a crazy Tommy Jarvis; only to have that story line thrown out to resurrect Jason as a zombie then later melt him in the sewers of New York with a nightly toxic waste dump that leaves him as a dead child; well I guess you just don't care about continuity.

Is this a vital watch? Not really. You could skip it as it holds next to nothing for the franchise. Is it a fan favorite? I have heard of these "people" existing but I attribute them as believable as R.O.U.S. (Rodents of Unusual Sizes) and thus call out utter poppycock. Absurd! Risible!

 Happy Spring Forward Zombie Jason Day!!!

Mhm, that is a tasty burger!

Death House

Finally! Sorry, after almost a year I finally have to chance to review this film that has been described as The Expendables of Horror. Yes for you folks my age and a tad younger, you will recognize many a name attached to this. Penned by the late Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) comes a maximum penitentiary gone amok in Death House.

Man, the chicks on Orange is the New Black aren't that hot.

 Felissa Rose herself was telling me about this flick and by God I wanted to watch it since. When Angelia tells you it's gonna be fun, you best be watching this. Writer/director B. Harrison Smith (The Fields, 6 Degrees of Hell, Camp Dread, ZK: Elephant's Graveyard, Death House and Garlic & Gunpowder) brings a myriad of Horror icons of mid 70s to early 80s. Names and faces will pop out at you rather easily.

Our super max prison holding the baddest of the bad is supposed to be modeled after Dante's Inferno, so yes that means levels upon levels. The most vile and despicable are basement dwellers.

Bob Villa's This Old Hell House.

With a detailed inspection underway, this subterranean holding facility keeps the worst of humanity under lock and key for nine levels. Agents Toria Boon (Cortney Palm of Seance: The Summoning, Sushi Girl, The Hit Girl, Alien Rising, Zombeavers, It's Not a Date and Everlasting) and Jae Novak (Cody Longo of Make It or Break It, Piranha 3D, Days of Our Lives, The Silent Thief, For the Love of Money, Nashville and Secrets and Lies) are there to observe the levels and take in the medical and mental health works of Drs. Eileen Fletcher (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestial, Cujo, Critters, Troubled Child, The Lords of Salem, Grimm and Just Add Magic) and Karen Redmane (Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator, Chopping Mall, From Beyond, Puppetmaster, Robot Wars, Castle Freak, Guiding Light, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless and You're Next).

Our prison's narrator of the tour cannot be mistaken for anyone other than Adrienne Barbeau and I immediately recognized her voice. 80s kid! Right here!

Farmer Asa (Tony Todd of Night of the Living Dead, Voodoo Dawn, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Candyman, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Wishmaster, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, The Prophecy: Foresaken and Hatchet) takes a young lady to the hill and what I am guessing is near on old mine shaft or bomb shelter. His hand passes through her stomach wall with near supernatural behavior, taking his time with his little flower.

A virtual reality hologram deck allows the doctors to program in the killers' various victims, allowing the killers' scenarios to play out. A gas keeps them mostly docile so they can't be violent and start massacring the guards and staff. Boon escorts Sieg, who she helped snare, a occultist/Neo Nazi (Kane Hodder of Prison, Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Best of the Best, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Project: Metalbeast, Jason X and DarkWolf) to his own Hell on Earth. Careful kiddies, that Jason Vorhees/Victor Crowley strength could kick in at any time.

Rubber bullets, my ass. Gimme a chain gun!

Meeting up with Captain Galan (Kenny Ray Powell of Promoted, Inspired to Kill, Death House, Garlic & Gunpowder and No More Mr Nice Guy) , Boon gets a request to review her mother's murder and murderer through this VR holodeck and I gotta say...why? Will it give you closure?

Our murderer is none other than Machete? (Danny Trejo of Heat, Desperado, Spy Kids, From Dusk Til Dawn, Machete, Bad Ass, Rise of the Zombies, Sons of Anarchy and Young Justice) Our dead mom, Kristi (Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your Grave, The Concrete Jungle, Savage Vengeance, Chop, The Lords of Salem, Blood River, Cabaret Diabolique and Gterror in the Woods Creek) is clearly the driving force for Boon's dedication.

We come across a Leatherface (Troma veteran Debbie Rochon of Black Easter, Tromeo and Juliet, The Vampire's Seduction, Night of the Living Dead: 30^th Anniversary Edition, Hellblock 13, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Bikini Bloodbath and Wrath of the Crows) that even Gunnar Hansen would be proud of.

Before I go any further, I would point out there is a ton of graphic gore, people. No lie, this is bloody. So just pointing it out for anyone that may not be able to handle chum buckets full of blood here.

Level 9, the heavily secured can only be observed by holographic system; houses the five evils as they describe. Nazi genetist, Hirace Giger (Bill Thorton of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Silent Night, Deadly Night III: You Better Watch Out, House of 1000 Corpses, Devil's Rejects, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Gotchic Harvest, Cynthia and American Exorcist) who somehow stunted his aging process. Balthoria (Lindsey Hartley of Passions, Days of Our Lives, All My Children, Nightmare Nurse, Smallville and Deadly Exchange), channeling a certain Countess she too is a hemophile and bathes in her victims' blood. Alexi Nela (Vernon Wells of The Road Warrior, Commando, Innerspace, Revamped, The Butcher, Silent Night, Zombie Night, World's End and Like a Bat Outta Hell), Cannibal, Nercromancer connected to the deaths over 700 children that they know of. Crau (Michael Berryman of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Hills Have Eyes, The Barbarians, the Golden Child, The Guyver, The Devil's Rejects, Z Nation, and Hell's Kitty), augmented strength, enhanced intelligence and healing factor. An experimental process created this but drove him crackers. Thile (Vincent M. Ward of True Blood, NCIS, House of Payne, The Walking Dead, Live Evil, Illicit and It's a Date) Satanic occultist known for crucifixion and turning his victims inside out. Blarf.

Uh oh, looks like a Blonde Off.

Novak bumps into an old buddy of his, the Icicle Killer(Sid Haig of Foxy Brown, Savage Sisters, Police Woman, Jason of Star Command, Jackie Brown, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Brotherhood of Blood and Hatchet III) who was responsible for his parents' deaths. Noticing a pattern here. With a guard patrolling he thinks skunks are in the dumpster. Doofus, call in for back up and wait with rifle drawn and safety on.

Well enough of the tour, howzabout a 6 minute shower scene? Because our agents felt they were dirty birdies, I guess. They have no real knowledge of their tats, who they are and golly they are in a prison with behavioral modification and memory implants. Hmm....

Naturally you can't make an omelet without massacring quite a few eggs as derpy dead guard gives the medical term a Joker tummy surprise. Dr. Redmane stays her path that memory erasure and new memory engrams are the most moral things to do with these men and women, making them productive members of society. You'd think this far into a future set up, a de-atomizer would be a concept made machine. Well Timmy, this is the fourth time in 12 years you have been sent to us wearing another man's flesh. Pile of dust for you.

Dayum girl, you even bench?

Movie editing, tight knit writing makes the memories more believable. Enter Bennett (Richard Speight Jr. Of Independence Day, Band of Brothers, Supernatural, Jericho, Justified and Driven) with lovely assistants Dr. Angela Freeman (Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, Satan's Playground, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night, Zombie Night, Camp Dread, and Victor Crowley) Dr. Logan Harrison (Laura Compton of Clown Town, Attack of the Killer Donuts, Heroes with Issues, Garlic & Gunpowder and Hell Girl) who delight at re-creating the murders through new, live victims. More specifically the homeless so they can better study the criminals at large if you will, compile that data and create the most comprehensive criminal database. Yup nothing in that sounds really messed up if you say, a soulless congressman, sure. Hack away! Gut them and wear their intestines on your head, ya loopies. It's for the greater good. WTF??!!! 

Still no visit is complete without a visit from the 3 Satans. Yeah, yeah that could be confusing. We got Satan (Sean Whalen of The People Under the Stairs, Twister, The Young and the Restless, Chasing Ghosts, Halloween II, Hatchet III and Ugly Sweater Party), Creator of Satan (Bill Oberst Jr.of 1000 Ways to Die, A Haunting in Salem, Circus of Dread, The Blood Let, Assassins, Hell's Kitty and Welcome to Hell) and lastly the Antichrist, Son of Satan (Bernhard Forcher of August, Supernatural, Freedom, Fury, Grimm, The Man in the High Castle and Counterpart). Still confused? Well...okay not gonna lie. Pretty sure they are all loopy including the staff of doctors. I did spot a couple of my favorite scream queens, Brinke Stevens and Tiffany Shepis in the back.

With an EMP device the size of a frag grenade, the power's down and back-ups are not kicking in. The monsters are out of their boxes, kids. Play time!

With the doomsday scenario set, the prison is rigged for poison gas dispersal and any staff or personnel left behind, well they aren't getting to enjoy retirement.

What we have is a society demanding order and structure but completely violating the very rights this country stands for in order to create such harmony. To willingly place people in harm's way for the sake of more data gathered and they still have the audacity to call the murderers, monsters.

This is very much operating at the level of slasher horror and action film. The zoo has sprung and folks are coming out to spill gallons of blood.

For me, I was simply enjoying the who's who, decent story, substantial budget for a Horror film of this genre. You got crowd fights, falls off railings to level drops. Up close into the psychopath and sociopath mind. For the slasher buffs, oh yeah it has it. And yes, it has nudity. Almost always the same fricking question I am asked in this genre.

At 75 minutes we have fair dialogue and simple story with intense scenes, blood and bits caking the walls, I swear I am having Epinions.com flashbacks when I was stuck only writing about horror for them. So many film references. Pretty sure Yan Birch of The People Under the Stairs (Stairmaster) was Dr. Phibes so yeah there is a lot of inside jokes but no good humor here, folks. Just gore, some T&A and a substantial body count.

Trapped in a shaft and haven't had lunch. Cannibalism yet?

Victor Crowley

What's this? Parry Shen playing the same character twice? My God it can happen. Hey folks I am back and yes we are heading down the dark path of Horror once more. I know I am slowly gaining the reputation of doing just Horror reviews and hey, toss a message on FB or the blog and give me ideas what you want me to check out. Honestly though, you expect me to pass up on Felissa Rose and Tiffany Shepis slugging it out with a crazy monster of a man? Afraid not.

This is Victor Crowley.

Oh Jonah, keeping an eye out for us.

We get a flashback of a couple spooning in a canoe in the sixties. Were Del (Jonah Ray of Saul of the Mole Men, Mama's Boy, Trip Tank and MST3K: The Return) and bride-to-be Sue (Kelly Vrooman of Sunny Side Up, The Chica Show, Rekindled and Junk Drawer Magic Adventures) are relaxing in the very Honey Island Swamp. Yeah that swamp with the 6'3" murderous mongoloid madman that was played by a former Jason a.k.a. Kane Hodder!!! The amusing part is seeing Tyler Mane (Sabertooth of X-Men and Michael Myers in Zombie's Halloween) get the Samuel L. Jackson treatment of Deep Blue Sea. Hey kids! Here's some advice that just might save your asses!! SPLAT!!

10 years after the first film we are back around Honey Island Swamp, Andrew Yong, the EMT (Parry Shen of The New Guy, Better Luck Tomorrow, Tru Calling, Rule of 3, Hatchet, World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria and Far Cry 3) from Hatchet III is back for the fourth film, after the gruesome events. As the only survivor of his murderous rampage, Andrew has become a minor celebrity but hoping to move on with his life.

Hey wait a minute, didn't Marybeth (Danielle Harris of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Daylight, Urban Legend, The Wild Thornberrys, Halloween, Halloween II and Stakeland) of the previous two films survive? Hmm, I believe she did. Where's her endorsement deal? Nike: For fleeing ax wielding maniacs?

Once again, I am not BD Wong!

Andrew is plugging his book and life is better but not exactly champagne and caviar. More like beer and pizza money. Andrew is a little pissed about the daytime show that his ex-wife hosts...yeah awkward. His publicist Kathleen (the vivacious Felissa Rose of Sleepaway Camp, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, Slaughter Party, Satan's Playground, Dead and Gone, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night, Zombie Night and Camp Dread) assures him he rocked the house.

Nerdy fan girl Chloe (Katie Booth of Unstrung, Demon Gate, Tell Me How I Die and Victor Crowley) is at the convention for said book signing wanting to do X-rated carnal acts with Andrew while announcing that to her boyfriend, doofus emo Alex (Chase Williamson of John Dies at the End, Sparks, Video Game High School, SiREN, and Camera Obscura) who seems less cool about this trek. Can't ever imagine why. Apparently they are trying to pitch directing in a Horror film about the Victor Crowley murders.

Kathleen drops the bomb on Real Crime Stories wanting to fly him out to the very same swamp, exclusive, cash in on the 10^th year anniversary and he makes an ass load of money. By that, I am talking a million clams.

Subtitles of DooOooOom!!!

The film crew is sadly part of his ex-wife Sabrina (Krystal Joy Brown of Castle, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Englishman in L.A.: The Movie and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power) is determined to milk as much as she can out of his worth. Sound guy Austin (Brian Quinn of Vulgar, The Little Slutty Mermaid, The Tenderloins, Jay and Silent Bob's Super Groovy Cartoon Movie and 12 Monkeys) Videographer Casey (the lovely Tiffany Shepis of Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV, Bundy, Death Factory, Scarecrow, Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp, Dead Scared, Dorm of the Dead and Hoodoo for Voodoo) and makeup artist Jay (Tezz Yancey of The Bewitching, Heroes, Dice, Semi-Famous and Victor Crowley). SPOILERS!!! Yeah, pretty sure the crew would feed Sabrina to the nearest gator.

Naturally our young Indie film crew are pesky kids...that are ressurecting our great big mongoloid dunder head of death. Dammit pesky kids!! You don't read from the book, you do not get high, fool around in the woods and you STAY OFF THE DAMN MOORS!!!!

So naturally the plot device um I mean plane falls out of the sky. The creature rises from his watery grave to do harm. The only one with an inkling of common sense, Andrew is getting the third degree from all our panicked plane crash victims. Liar, accused murderer, psychopath and so on. Andrew, toss them all out and let Crowley have his way with them. Easy peasy.

Trapped in the plane, our hopeless victims are deciding whether or not to leave the plane.

Gross? Oh that is putting it mildly. Let's just say like the rest of this series, this is not for the faint of heart, those with tender tummies and DEFINITELY NOT for the kids. You listening this time, parents?? I am not having a Hatchet repeat, thank you very much.

Epinions reviews are gone yes, but I had parents losing their damn minds swearing profusely at me for a R rated film. Yeah that's balanced. Next you'll tell me it's all Samuel L Jackson's fault.

Regardless of that route altering rant there, this is exactly what you expect from director/writer Adam Green.   Used an existing set to center most of the kills around.  They were graphic and well done. The film had plenty of ridiculous moments and I did laugh in parts we civilized people aren't suppose to. So Hatchet fans it is a decent gore fest.

Yeesh, even a mother couldn't love that mug.