Finally! Sorry, after almost a year I
finally have to chance to review this film that has been described as
The Expendables of Horror. Yes for you folks my age and a tad
younger, you will recognize many a name attached to this. Penned by
the late Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface of the Texas
Chainsaw Massacre) comes a maximum penitentiary gone amok in
Death House.
Man, the chicks on Orange is the New Black aren't that hot. |
Felissa Rose herself was telling me
about this flick and by God I wanted to watch it since. When Angelia
tells you it's gonna be fun, you best be watching this.
Writer/director B. Harrison Smith (The Fields, 6 Degrees
of Hell, Camp Dread, ZK: Elephant's Graveyard, Death House and Garlic
& Gunpowder) brings a myriad of Horror icons of mid 70s
to early 80s. Names and faces will pop out at you rather easily.
Our super max prison holding the
baddest of the bad is supposed to be modeled after Dante's Inferno,
so yes that means levels upon levels. The most vile and despicable
are basement dwellers.
Bob Villa's This Old Hell House. |
With a detailed inspection underway,
this subterranean holding facility keeps the worst of humanity under
lock and key for nine levels. Agents Toria Boon (Cortney Palm
of Seance: The Summoning, Sushi Girl, The Hit Girl, Alien Rising,
Zombeavers, It's Not a Date and Everlasting) and Jae Novak
(Cody Longo of Make It or Break It, Piranha 3D, Days of Our
Lives, The Silent Thief, For the Love of Money, Nashville and Secrets
and Lies) are there to observe the levels and take in the
medical and mental health works of Drs. Eileen Fletcher (Dee
Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The
Extra-Terrestial, Cujo, Critters, Troubled Child, The Lords of Salem,
Grimm and Just Add Magic) and Karen Redmane (Barbara
Crampton of Re-Animator, Chopping Mall, From Beyond, Puppetmaster,
Robot Wars, Castle Freak, Guiding Light, The Bold and the Beautiful,
The Young and the Restless and You're Next).
Our prison's narrator of the tour
cannot be mistaken for anyone other than Adrienne Barbeau
and I immediately recognized her voice. 80s kid! Right here!
Farmer
Asa (Tony Todd of Night of the Living Dead, Voodoo Dawn,
Star Trek: The Next Generation, Candyman, Candyman: Farewell to the
Flesh, Wishmaster, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, The Prophecy:
Foresaken and Hatchet)
takes a young lady to the hill and what I am guessing is near on old
mine shaft or bomb shelter. His hand passes through her stomach wall
with near supernatural behavior, taking his time with his little
flower.
A
virtual reality hologram deck allows the doctors to program in the
killers' various victims, allowing the killers' scenarios to play
out. A gas keeps them mostly docile so they can't be violent and
start massacring the guards and staff. Boon escorts Sieg, who she
helped snare, a occultist/Neo Nazi (Kane Hodder of
Prison, Friday the 13th Part
VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13th
Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Best of the Best, Jason Goes to
Hell: The Final Friday, Project: Metalbeast, Jason X and DarkWolf)
to his own Hell on Earth. Careful kiddies, that Jason Vorhees/Victor
Crowley strength could kick in at any time.
Rubber bullets, my ass. Gimme a chain gun! |
Meeting
up with Captain Galan (Kenny Ray Powell of Promoted,
Inspired to Kill, Death House, Garlic & Gunpowder and No More Mr
Nice Guy) , Boon gets a
request to review her mother's murder and murderer through this VR
holodeck and I gotta say...why? Will it give you closure?
Our
murderer is none other than Machete? (Danny Trejo of
Heat, Desperado, Spy Kids, From Dusk Til Dawn, Machete, Bad Ass, Rise
of the Zombies, Sons of Anarchy and Young Justice)
Our dead mom, Kristi (Camille Keaton of I Spit on Your
Grave, The Concrete Jungle, Savage Vengeance, Chop, The Lords of
Salem, Blood River, Cabaret Diabolique and Gterror in the Woods
Creek) is clearly the
driving force for Boon's dedication.
We
come across a Leatherface (Troma veteran Debbie Rochon
of Black Easter, Tromeo and Juliet, The Vampire's Seduction, Night of
the Living Dead: 30th
Anniversary Edition, Hellblock 13, Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Bikini
Bloodbath and Wrath of the Crows)
that even Gunnar Hansen would be proud of.
Before I go any
further, I would point out there is a ton of graphic gore, people.
No lie, this is bloody. So just pointing it out for anyone that may
not be able to handle chum buckets full of blood here.
Level
9, the heavily secured can only be observed by holographic system;
houses the five evils as they describe. Nazi genetist, Hirace Giger
(Bill Thorton of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Silent
Night, Deadly Night III: You Better Watch Out, House of 1000 Corpses,
Devil's Rejects, Repo: The Genetic Opera, Gotchic Harvest, Cynthia
and American Exorcist) who
somehow stunted his aging process. Balthoria (Lindsey
Hartley of Passions, Days of Our Lives, All My Children, Nightmare
Nurse, Smallville and Deadly Exchange),
channeling a certain Countess she too is a hemophile and bathes in
her victims' blood. Alexi Nela (Vernon Wells of The
Road Warrior, Commando, Innerspace, Revamped, The Butcher, Silent
Night, Zombie Night, World's End and Like a Bat Outta Hell),
Cannibal, Nercromancer connected to the deaths over 700 children that
they know of. Crau (Michael Berryman of One Flew Over
the Cuckoo's Nest, The Hills Have Eyes, The Barbarians, the Golden
Child, The Guyver, The Devil's Rejects, Z Nation, and Hell's Kitty),
augmented strength, enhanced intelligence and healing factor. An
experimental process created this but drove him crackers. Thile
(Vincent M. Ward of True Blood, NCIS, House of Payne,
The Walking Dead, Live Evil, Illicit and It's a Date)
Satanic occultist known for crucifixion and turning his victims
inside out. Blarf.
Uh oh, looks like a Blonde Off. |
Novak
bumps into an old buddy of his, the Icicle Killer(Sid
Haig of Foxy Brown, Savage Sisters, Police Woman, Jason of Star
Command, Jackie Brown, House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects,
Brotherhood of Blood and Hatchet III)
who was responsible for his parents' deaths. Noticing a pattern
here. With a guard patrolling he thinks skunks are in the dumpster.
Doofus, call in for back up and wait with rifle drawn and safety on.
Well enough of the
tour, howzabout a 6 minute shower scene? Because our agents felt
they were dirty birdies, I guess. They have no real knowledge of
their tats, who they are and golly they are in a prison with behavioral modification and memory implants. Hmm....
Naturally you
can't make an omelet without massacring quite a few eggs as derpy
dead guard gives the medical term a Joker tummy surprise. Dr.
Redmane stays her path that memory erasure and new memory engrams are
the most moral things to do with these men and women, making them
productive members of society. You'd think this far into a future
set up, a de-atomizer would be a concept made machine. Well Timmy,
this is the fourth time in 12 years you have been sent to us wearing
another man's flesh. Pile of dust for you.
Dayum girl, you even bench? |
Movie
editing, tight knit writing makes the memories more believable.
Enter Bennett (Richard Speight Jr. Of Independence Day,
Band of Brothers, Supernatural, Jericho, Justified and Driven)
with lovely assistants Dr. Angela Freeman (Felissa Rose
of Sleepaway Camp, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, Satan's
Playground, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Silent Night, Zombie Night,
Camp Dread, and Victor Crowley)
Dr. Logan Harrison (Laura Compton of Clown Town, Attack
of the Killer Donuts, Heroes with Issues, Garlic & Gunpowder and
Hell Girl) who delight at
re-creating the murders through new, live victims. More specifically
the homeless so they can better study the criminals at large if you
will, compile that data and create the most comprehensive criminal
database. Yup nothing in that sounds really messed up if you say, a
soulless congressman, sure. Hack away! Gut them and wear their
intestines on your head, ya loopies. It's for the greater good.
WTF??!!!
Still no visit is complete without a visit from the 3
Satans. Yeah, yeah that could be confusing. We got Satan (Sean
Whalen of The People Under the Stairs, Twister, The Young and the
Restless, Chasing Ghosts, Halloween II, Hatchet III and Ugly Sweater
Party), Creator of Satan
(Bill Oberst Jr.of 1000 Ways to Die, A Haunting in
Salem, Circus of Dread, The Blood Let, Assassins, Hell's Kitty and
Welcome to Hell) and lastly
the Antichrist, Son of Satan (Bernhard Forcher of
August, Supernatural, Freedom, Fury, Grimm, The Man in the High
Castle and Counterpart).
Still confused? Well...okay not gonna lie. Pretty sure they are all
loopy including the staff of doctors. I did spot a couple of my
favorite scream queens, Brinke Stevens and
Tiffany Shepis in the back.
With an EMP device
the size of a frag grenade, the power's down and back-ups are not
kicking in. The monsters are out of their boxes, kids. Play time!
With the doomsday
scenario set, the prison is rigged for poison gas dispersal and any
staff or personnel left behind, well they aren't getting to enjoy
retirement.
What we have is a
society demanding order and structure but completely violating the
very rights this country stands for in order to create such harmony.
To willingly place people in harm's way for the sake of more data
gathered and they still have the audacity to call the murderers,
monsters.
This is very much
operating at the level of slasher horror and action film. The zoo
has sprung and folks are coming out to spill gallons of blood.
For me, I was
simply enjoying the who's who, decent story, substantial budget for a
Horror film of this genre. You got crowd fights, falls off railings
to level drops. Up close into the psychopath and sociopath mind. For
the slasher buffs, oh yeah it has it. And yes, it has nudity.
Almost always the same fricking question I am asked in this genre.
At 75
minutes we have fair dialogue and simple story with intense scenes,
blood and bits caking the walls, I swear I am having Epinions.com
flashbacks when I was stuck only writing about horror for them. So
many film references. Pretty sure Yan Birch of
The People Under the Stairs
(Stairmaster) was Dr.
Phibes so yeah there is a lot of inside jokes but no good humor here,
folks. Just gore, some T&A and a substantial body count.
Trapped in a shaft and haven't had lunch. Cannibalism yet? |
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