Tales from Six Feet Under

Hey there, readers. Today I have been asked by rising director Nicholas Michael Jacobs (Night and Urban Fears) if I would be able to view his new Horror film. Naturally who am I to say no. I thoroughly enjoyed Night and Urban Fears was damn clever writing. Third time's the charm as the saying goes and let's see if that holds up. This is Tales from Six Feet Under.

Grandma Rotty?

Now let's keep in mind our movie is 45 minutes and would be considered by most viewers as a short film. That does not mean we are not in for a wild ride. In the story, we follow the bony skeletal figure known only as The Visitor. He is making his way through a moonlit and fairly creepy graveyard in search of poor unfortunate souls. (Cue The Little Mermaid song ASAP)

He stops to leave a flower on a grave and proceeds to cackle with a raspy and throaty sound that frankly made the hairs on my neck stand up as we gaze at the headstone of one Joe Roth (Brian Jacobs of Urban Fears and Tales from Six Feet Under) aged all of 17 years. Already the tone is dark, so let's dive deeper shall we? Our young lad has been instructed by Dad to go clean the basement and it had better be done before he gets home. Don't Go into the Basement fans are already screaming against that very idea. Noticing the vast amount of clutter, stored furniture, laundry piling up, various odds and ends I too was hard pressed to have an idea where to begin cleaning.

After a few minutes tidying and trying to get a lay of the land, Joe stumbles upon an Ouija board. Oh yeah that's never going to go wrong. Go ahead son, conjure up the forces of darkness. I'll wait.

Dad gives Joe a very vague but stern warning to not mess with the Ouija board so of course our rebellious teen is going to anyway. Parents! Listen, you want the little ones to not play dark and damned objects, give them a reason other than no. For the boys, tell them their penis will shrink. For the girls, their hair will fall out. Boom! Problem solved.

Joe decides to prank around with the board, asking those important questions of, "Is there anyone there?"and "Spirits, make yourself known.". One nitpick is the Ouija board is a current print. Should have hit a rummage sale for a battered old one. Like it was forgotten from the original owners of the house...who disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Okay, that's how I would have wrote it. So sue me.

A quick phone chat with his buddy, Joe finds out he can't possibly damn his soul without candlelight surrounding the witch board. Yes that is an old term for Ouija board. Sorry if I confused the younger readers yet again.

So naturally it is head long into the unknown and damn the consequences. So back to tampering with the dead, Joe realizes this game may just be more than he bargained for, as a creature made of silhouette and ominous glowing eyes (Gianna Jacobs of Night, Urban Fears and Tales from Six Feet Under) just manifests in front of him, the eerie incidental music kicks in and Joe knows this could be his last board game...ever.

My God...mildew.

Following the Visitor back in the graveyard, we are treated to a new tale of terror of one Sam Hooper. Not relation to Matt Hooper of Jaws. Yes I am a smart ass, what of it?

Sam, a young student simply wants to study for his big test without any distractions and quite frankly I don't think that is much to ask. A young med student is cracking open the books and is probably going to be there for a while. He may want to order a pizza, because he hasn't scheduled something pass making ramen noodles. Enough time elapses and he's done for the night.

Time for a slasher flick. Oh what luck, that's Urban Fears on. I always end up stuck with The Prowler or Mother's day. Our slasher delight is immediately interrupted for an emergency broadcast telling folks in the Riverside area to evacuate ASAP. What's the reason? Zombies? A scourge of vampires? Republicans demanding your vote? None of the above. It's a giant meteor being hurdled to that section of town. Well...didn't see that one coming. My guess was a gas leak or again, zombies. What a second, it was all just an elaborate video. Well, see if I trust the media any more. 

Bear in mind I am watching a screener but the Hooper storyline sound like Goblin is performing the soundtrack. Then a POV shoot which looks like his apartment got broken into, so yeah folks I am as confused as you are reading this. Sam has ideas but nothing coherently shot and edited yet. He hits on the idea of a slasher film but how do you make that unique and interesting instead of obscure but downright confusing. How? HOW??!!!

Much soul searching will be needed. Maybe a dummy or a dark force that warped a man into a mute antagonist? With a bit of improved shots, cut scenes and spatter effects, he will make a one man slasher movie as both the killer and the victim. Props for creativity but better make your slasher mute then. No catch phrasing ending up in Freddy territory or God help us, Killjoy.

This manual reads like...well a manual.

It's a bit meta but hell I liked it. Just not panning out with our young auteur.   He's close to what he wants but still wracking the brain figuring out what really is the horror he is trying to convey on film. Meanwhile an lunatic seems to be out and about stabbing victims and our boy gets a package...with a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy in it. BURN IT! Right now! Too many haunted, cursed and possessed dummy movies out there for you to not see the signs of bad things to come. Cleanse it with fire.

Moving on and yes for those keeping tally, this is anthology story going, we head to Jennifer Burton (Alexis Beacher of Night, Urban Fears and Tale from Six Feet Under). It's her birthday and so far it doesn't look like anyone is available to celebrate it with her. Yeah work, life, errands and raising kids can do that to you as you age gracefully or kicking and screaming. An unknown person wishes her a happy birthday thanks to social media blurting it out. Hey don't worry yet, hun. It didn't give up your age. Jennifer is cautious as this could be anyone creeping about. Anonymous gives off that vibe as many a girl can testify to, so she proceeds to ask who is messaging her. There is a lot of evasion and a slightly flirtatious nature to it.

Jennifer is starting to get creeped out and frankly it is at this point, I'm screaming, "Girl hit a mall, library, invite a friend or two over for shots. Something."

What I enjoyed the most is the handheld camera work, the POV creeper viewing and the tone being set by the music. Good mood and atmosphere established with some creative stories, combining old facets of horror story telling, with spins, twists and turns.

We could argue the spoiler factor of the cemetery showing us each a plot of these people but it gives enough of a nudge into our morbid curiosity to wonder what happened to these people, what was their final end and could it occurred at any time in their life?

We have a decent cast, clever tales and overall I was entertained. If this is what Jacobs can do with a meager budget, let's see if we can fund his next project and watch him go dark as possible. 

OMG! iPhone is the coolest!!

V/H/S Violence

Hey folks, welcome back. Many of you are probably wondering where that Shaft Audio Review is and well...I accidentally deleted it. Yeah so I have to start all over again. But we are not here to talk about that.  SoCal Cinema Studios director/writer/producer Dustin Ferguson (Terror at Black Tree Forest, The Legacy of Boggy Creek, Escape to Black Tree Forest, Black Tree Forest III, Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die, Occult Holocaust, Gloved Murderess, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death and Shockumentary) asked me to give his new tantalizing tales of terror a visit and my thoughts on it. Apparently, he is under the belief that I am a decent writer and who am I to tell him otherwise, right? With an anonymous package of foreboding standing, a young woman decides to dust off her VCR and pop in this tape. This is V/H/S/ Violence.

3 Ninjas Kick Back?  The Hell?

With the trusty JVC working through the tape, our young lady starts to watch this VHS of unknown origin. If the little girl from the Ring pops out, just hook up the VCR to YouTube and share the film ASAP! We get a grainy intro and rocking opening theme. Excellent!!!

You get the general vibe this is an anthology and yup, you would be right. Along with Dustin comes Axemas 1 and 2's very own John Ward, Tony Newton (Welcome to Hell, Halloween Hell Night,Virus of the Dead and O' Bloody Night) Sam Mason-Bell (Toxic Schlock, Home Videos, A Taste of Phobia, Deep Web XXX and 2 Die For) and Jason Impey (The 12 Slays of Christmas, Home Videos, 60 Seconds to Die, Grim Places, Grindsploitation 4: Meltsploitation and Schlock-O-Rama)

Midwestern Art?

When open with a VHS camcorder viewing of what can only be described as a sex/torture dungeon and its various tools of infliction. Could be the beginnings of a snuff movie, could be a private director's collection. Two masked loopies stick and torment a guy they abducted. Or he answered an ad on Craigslist he is regretting in his final moments.

We cut to what looks like a early film school documentary with a buxom British blonde and yes guys, she gets naked. You have no idea how many times I get asked that. Also the cinematographer/director seems to have a vocal distorter on or it was done in post. Cut to a brunette machete chopping away. Looks a bit similar to the one Schuylar Craig used in Camp Blood 4 and 5. Just chaos happening here.

Dishy, right?

A segment looking like an audition in spite of the impatient couch casting director, the girl seems pretty compliant...or is she?

A stalker with a camera and clearly female voice trailing a couple, disgusted by what she sees. You can almost hear the hatred, the confusion and bile building up her moment by moment. Piece by piece. A dark epiphany happens and the girl will see it executed no matter what.

But enough of that darkness, how about a stroll through the local suburbs? Y'know, where everything is normal, happy go lucky and cheery. Appearances can be most deceiving though, can't they? With acts of violence, this film is woven like a dark tapestry. It's ultimate end, who is to say? Showing evil can happen whenever and however it likes, perhaps.

With a collective of new faces in this such as: Valerie Mulligan (Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre, Auteur, Cannabus Confessions, Steve's Garden and Troma presents: Mulligan's Monsters) Selena D (Party Bus to Hell, Meathook Massacre 4, Madame X and The Bread of Wickedness) Julie Anne Prescott (House of Blood, The Lost Girls, Scarred, Meathook Massacre 4, Hell Nurse, BAD ASS ANGELS and DEMONS and Night People) and Robert Mulligan (Bikini Swamp Girl Massacre, No Ordinary BJ, Cannabis Confessions and Steve's Garden)

I still see many a Ferguson regulars to the likes of: Jennii Caroline (Doll Killer, Die Sister, Die!, Gloved Murderess,The Amityville Legacy and Nemesis 5: The New Model) Breanna Mitchell (Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Silent Night, Bloody Night 2: Revival, Meathook Massacre, Tales for the Campfire, Night of the Clown Meathook Massacre II and Nemesis 5: The New Model) Jared Allen (Cheerleader Camp: To the Death, Invitation to Die, Silent Night, Bloody Night 2: Revival, Demon Dolls and Conjuring Curse) and Justice Strong (Shockumentary and Meathook Massacre)

My only complaint would ruin the scope of the film, the lack of stabilizer was giving this photophobic, a headache. Not a severe one mind you, so nothing too bad there. With a unique blend of CGI post production effects, practical effects and grim story telling; it gives you a morbid fascination of what each tale is being told. A sort of nebulous fable if you will.

With some stories being mischievous, while others downright stygian, this film keeps you guessing if these men and women will ever know justice for their horrific acts.

Let's be clear. There is some creepy stories here but we are not approaching Faces of Death gross out factor. That being said, there is some clever, warped and bizarre segments in this movie and frankly I was impressed how certain components of this elaborate film unnerved me. I would like to see a collaboration like this again.

Professor Bobo could party in college.

An Hour to Kill

How do, good people? Hope the weekend has been fun and you haven't all been bogged down with work. I got a request from The Williamson Management that brought us Dead Kansas and Syndicate Smasher and I am hardly going to turn them away for providing some unique films instead of the typical "A-List" rom coms or poorly paced dramas I am supposed to put upon a pedestal. With a mixture of drama and horror, today's movie appears to be an anthology, so let's give this a whirl. This is An Hour to Kill.

Uh oh. He must have ordered a Shirley Temple.

First off, I enjoy literal titles. Always a boon in my book. In our directing chair is Aaron K. Carter who brought us zombie POV with Dead Kansas.  A cocky young kid in a pony tail and black suit, Frankie (Frankie Pozos of LA 143 and An Hour to Kill) comes into a western themed bar with all smiles and to ask to see the manager. The cat behind the bar looks like a punk from Return of the Living Dead and Flock of Seagulls. Lot of piercings, tats and even a colored faux hawk, Vince (Vince Kelvin of Alien Shadows, An Hour to Kill and Sex, Drugs and Nasty Nell's). Little bit of chit chat establishing Frankie wants to rent the bar for a work event, and then 6 wiseguys walk into the bar, trailing one with a silver suitcase.

Frankie rambles on about his girlfriend, their issues and life in general, when a big guy in a suit, Gio (Aaron Guerrero of Dead Kansas and An Hour to Kill) sneaks in the back of the kitchen and starting whacking wise guys like he has a no bag hunting limit.  Naturally Frankie has shut up at this point because...well what do you really follow up with a massacre in the back room. "Hey man, how was your grouping? Oh, I see you managed one shot kills."

Zyklon B: Good for your pores.

Veteran Gio and rookie Frankie head out to meet with da boss after the hit went sideways. Hey I know that guy!  Mr. Kinski (Mel Novak of Game of Death, Black Belt Jones, An Eye for an Eye, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance, Syndicate Smasher and Nemesis 5: The New Model ) wants the escaped ass that wasn't blown away in the deal to go.   Kinski stresses loyalty above all things to Gio in that still threatening matter that says, "Do this or I have you put through an industrial tree shredder."

With time ticking by for the two men, Frankie and Gio start swapping tales. Frankie opens up about some confiscated items he found at an Army surplus store. Apparently we've gone from mafia hitmen to an anthology of Naxiploitation or possibly horror? This tale is called Valkyrie's Bunker.

1981, Five girls go into the woods for wild pot....yeah yeah cue the deformed slasher with a potato sack, hide made from human flesh or maybe some sports equipment. They proceed to journey into a region that hasn't been explored in some time. With a mixture of shorty shorts and short skirts, clearly these girls have done substantial hiking before. Mind you, not complaining about the view but bug bites are not going to feel nice on their legs would be my guess.

Jenna (Amanda Rau of Nowhere Girl, Living Among Us, Lost Fare, Odds Are and Legion of the Damned) seems to be the sensible one. Aida (Jola Cora of Noc, Pandemic, Lady of Lafayette, Uploaded, This is Ava and The Farm) is dragging her feet or mall walkers if you prefer. Denise (Alexya Garcia of Confessions of Isabella, Diverted Eden, An Hour to Kill and The Strange) is like totally. Yeah I couldn't resist and Heidi (Stephanie Strehlow of Devil's Domain, Crossroads, Tosh.0, An Hour to Kill and Truth or Dare).

The girls find a gully with a thoroughly tagged bunker and even come across an unopened canister of Zyklon B (a cyanide based pesticide that was... most hydrogen cyanide used for the gas chambers) and it's at this point my narrow ass would be checking out and heading home. Oh wait, because I am not made up of stupid and can find better ways to get weed.

Hmm...must avoid shooting whole wad joke.

Potential Nazi serial slasher aside, Gio and Frankie go for tacos and proceed to enjoy the hell out of it, Gio points out that Frankie needs to be more professional and less impulsive. Frankie doesn't seem to really be taking it all in so he tells a raunchy story of a burrito contest gone horribly awry.

I think Frankie needs a hobby. Maybe comic books or an RPG system.

Suffice to say this is one that has to be seen to believed.

Tacos hit Frankie's system so Gio distracts him with a tale. A tale of bowl, butchery and hogs. Hog Hunters round out the end of the anthology with some good ole boys, creeper pig farmers and a black fella I would have told to run away like his butt was on fire. This time around we have a Slaughterhouse meets The Big Lebowski vibe going. Conjure up what you will from that.

Frankie and Gio get the call the boss is in trouble and decide to spring into action.

Can the boys get back in time? Will there be another story?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B07JMN34GR

A few additional to the cast I recognized was, the stripper DJ being the one and only Jeff Rector of Black Scorpion, Revamped, Lost in the Woods and The Admired. And yes I may have recognized from certain angles the stripper in question as Veronica Ricci of Bloody Mary 3D, Snake Club: Revenge of the Snake Women, Lizzie Borden's Revenge and Interstellar Wars.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5as7mXJPrvA&t=2s

So what to take away from all of this? Well it's odd, bizarre, graphic in spots and frankly some off the wall writing. The performances are good, the camera work is pretty impressive for a lot of handheld and overall it was nothing I expected it to be. This gave off a vibe of a grindhouse vibe without the cheesy faded film gag.  Elements that aren't normally on the menu made a decent blend.  Almost feels like a combo platter of George Romero meets Quentin Tarntino.

My Airsoft's sight is off. Cheap ass ABS plastic!