Edward Mannix Week: The Shark Hunter

And we are back. Normally I don't blog on the weekends but this could not be helped. I attempted to find The Manhunt 1975 with Henry Silva but no dice so it is time for another Enzo Castellari flick again and no wars in sight. Boobage seems assured, men folk so simmer down. And for you ladies the awesome that is Franco Nero. This is The Shark Hunter a.k.a. Guardians of the Deep and Django and the Sharks.

Hulkamania comin' at ya brother!

Director Enzo Castellari ( High Crime, Street Law, The Heorin Busters, The Shark Hunter, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx,Warriors of the Wasteland and Hammerhead ) is no stranger to action, adventure and sadly creature features where I cannot confirm if animals were killed or just dummies with blood bags. Shark hunter/recluse/woman pleaser/martial artist Mike di Donato (Franco Nero of Django, Street Law, The Last Days of Pompeii, Gaaribaldi the General, Django Strikes Again, Run for Your Life, Il Magistrato, Die Hard 2 and Django Unchained) a gruff and scruffy looking nerf herder spends his days hunting sharks with either a Bowie knife or a harpoon. The dude is intense. Pretty sure his sperm will make decathalon winners so ladies watch out.

Fabio hair can get you into fist fights.

When he isn't making records, love and a living; he is deep sea diving to a broken plane. The lagoon and coral that surrounds said plane has plenty of sharks at the ready no matter which route you took. Personally I envision sticks of dynamite to stun or kill the sharks and make my way down to the plane that smuggled more than 100 million dollars. The depths are too great for Mike as his equipment cannot be relied on, but fate or writer's twist he meets Acapulco (Jorge Luke of Ulzana's Raid, The Shark Hunter, Salvador,Trampa mortal, Cartel mortal and Clear and Present Danger) a savvy diver of a oceanographer's big rigged deep sea vessel who Mike tells of the treasure inside and has spent more than 2 years figuring out how to retrieve it.

Cabo's only bar apparently...they were allowed to shoot at.

But Mike may not be the only aware of the treasure co-ordinates as Douchy McWhitey Americano (Michael Forest of Ski Troop Attack, The Virginian, 100 Rifles,The Message, The Shark Hunter and Cast Away) seems to be chummy with a one Captain Gomez...voiced by our basso toned fellow Edward Mannix and sadly we do not hear him for 40 minutes but thank the Gods he was given a title named character. After Redneck Bastard via The Inglorious Bastards, my hopes felt dashed but Enzo was not about to disappoint me a second time.

With a gorgeous location of Mexico near Cabo, the cinematography is astounding, the cast is rounded out minus the female types as they are nothing more than eye candy and I was a trifle pissed at this. Granted they aren't well developed as characters as a whole but dammit a bit of fine tuning and they are backing up Nero or Forest as partners/Femme Fatales. Maybe that is just my take on it. Could have had the cliche' trope of the internal squabble for the money between partners and back and forth who gets it and so forth but nope. Relegated to eye candy jiggly girls.

Mike after the death of his wife and son, he threw himself in the Organization i.e. Mafia and a show down with Nero and Edward Mannix's voice is impeding. A running gag is Nero sticking chewing gum on people's heads. I guess a slight or insult there. Kind of gross I suppose. Mike is continuously has woken by nightmare flashbacks from the loss of his family or the plane crashing.

The music is confusing from having an almost Miami Vice feel to soft core porn music and at inappropriate times. Hell the boat/plane chase sounds like an industrial version of Sisters of Mercy tune. It has all the themes of having loved and lost, action, adventure, gunfights, fist fights and even a few decent chase scenes. Not a brilliant movie by half but I have seen far worse. Give it the once over if any of this sounds entertaining.

Walt, we let them get a bit closer and then eat them.

Misleading Title Week: Jaws 5 a.k.a. Cruel Jaws

Welcome one and all to Day 2 of Misleading Titles Week. Sad to say we are back in the hands of Italian designer impostor director/writer Bruno Mattei (Women's Prision Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Robowar, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, Shocking Dark and Born to Fight). Many of you that have read earlier weeks know I covered a few of his films that lift material, whole story lines or just music from more successful films. What say we take in a creature feature? A nefarious government conspiracy of a tiger shark genetically altered by the United States Navy to be a ruthless killing machine is now loose attacking the good citizens of Hampton Bay. This is Cruel Jaws a.k.a. Jaws 5 a.k.a. The Beast a.k.a. Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws.

Yes, I am a guy in a rubber suit. What of it??

With the coastal town of the fictitious town of Hampton Bay start losing vacationers left and right the wimpy Matt Hooper archetype Billy(Gregg Hood of Miami Models, Cruel Jaws and Spoken Mirrors) tells the mayor they have to close the beaches in spite of needing the tourists' dollars. Say... this sounds familiar doesn't it? Yeah, like a Peter Benchley novel perhaps. Sheriff Francis (David Luther of Only the Strong and Cruel Jaws) bypass getting a Quint and proceeds to try and close the beaches regardless what the mayor may think.

White Urkel.

The story keeps arching back to Dag (Richard Dew of Cruel Jaws, Assault on Devil's Island and Assault on Death Mountain) owner and operator of a Sea World knock-off (that has two whole dolphins and a seal)when he isn't out standing in for Hulk Hogan. Yeah this guy is a dead ringer. It is tiring work but not as much as it is to see his little girl Susy (Kirsten Urso of Cruel Jaws) to smile... and somehow fix her crippled legs. Yes, we have a heart choker handicapped character added to the alumni. Dag is up to his eyeballs in debt as he owes the landlord Lewis (George Barnes Jr. Of Extralarge: Black Magic, South Beach, Cruel Jaws, and DV8) fifteen years back rent. Meanwhile I get a note from my manager if I am three days late with my apartment's rent. Moving on, with the shark denier Mayor Godfrey makes his concerns known to shady landlord Lewis who scoffs at the mere possibility of the slightest notion of such a creature in warm waters as poppycock. Will the shark devour everyone in sight? Will Dag join with Billy and the Sheriff as their honorary Quint? Will they in fact "Need a bigger boat?"

A few nitpicks at this time. None of the stock footage lifted from Jaws and Jaws 2 meshes with the existing footage for a proper splice. Some of the footage is at night with the day shots of his actors and vice versa. I think Mattei may have also ripped off a rip-off of Jaws. Yeah not even The Last Shark with Vic Morrow and James Franciscus was safe from Bruno's fingers.

I was have expecting Devilfish and Up From the Depths to make an appearance with the stock footage. The goofs in this movie are to die for. Continuity went out the window along with integrity and originality. The size of the shark is constantly shifting from the Tiger shark it's supposed to be to a 35 foot Great White. The helicopter gets attacked by the shark when the pilot lets go of the throttle to point at the massive Great White (AGAIN) which would have made the copter crash or at the very least drop in the water. Our actors don't even have a fiberglass or rubber shark to shoot rifles and shotguns at. Of course, a Remington 12 gauge is a GUN FROM THE FUTURE according to Aliens 2 a.k.a. Shocking Dark so that may be too much to ask for. 

 Between lifting and speed up John Williams tempo theme of Jaws and the atrocious dialogue you will be in stitches as this would be an excellent movie for mocking at home. If you want danger, suspense and blood in the water... Go watch Jaws.

Quite a hardy handshake you got there, tiny dorkmeister.