Night Killer

Back again oh Readers of Rotten. Yeah I am liking that tagline. Feel free to shoot a variant or simply different term to quantify yourselves, my readers. Today we haven't had nearly enough schlock in some time; so who better to go to then Bruno Mattei (Rats, Shocking Dark, Strike Commando, Robowar, Strike Commando 2 and Island of the Living Dead) and Claudio Fragasso (Monster Dog, Zombie 3, Troll 2, After Death, Beyond Darkness,Operazione Odissea and The Squad) the Mockbusters of Italy.  Is the film a Giallo?  Is it a slasher film?  We will find out.

This is Night Killer a.k.a. Do not open that door 3

Eww, your hand smell of Astroglide and pathetic tears.

Wow with in the first 8 minutes we got nudity (Yes fellas there's titty in this) and I just know this will be an international epic. We also have English dubbing that may or may not actually, possibly mimic human speech patterns. This is due to an Italian film crew needing all lines having everything phonetically translated. This is one of the many reasons Troll 2 is awesomely bad. Also question your life choices if you are considering watching Troll 2 without a drinking or riffing game.

On with the film as we see choreography on the stage. Work those calves guys and dolls. No they aren't doing a production of Guys & Dolls. The dancing is all over the stage, aerobics in the background and the play director looks like she is doubling over from bad clams. All in all a fun time clearly.  Honestly, these many uncoordinated white folk dancing brings me right back to Friday the 13^th Part 4: The Final Chapter.   While viewing Crispin Glover's character looking like he is have several myocardial episodes, I screamed at the screen offering Jason $80 to off them all.

FAME! None of you gonna get it!

One of the dancers shows up late and director well, she really didn't chew the girl out. It was tame so she is gotta get dressed for rehearsal and we got a music cue of bad guy about, with a near Freddy Krueger knifed glove and bad head? Going by the shadow, folks. An almost Radu from Subspecies hand eases the changing room door as we gander at nude blonde soon-to-be-dead. Keeping it classy, right movie?  In addition to a Kreuger knock off mask, he has Zombified, Mongoloid, Hillbilly Jason Voorhees murder strength; as he penetrates her entire chest with a slightly effeminate jab. One Punch Man could have made that strike. Also the killer's apparel is already revealed to be wearing said mask, a maintenance jumpsuit and a black trench coat.  Between Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees, those jumpsuits just fly off the shelves.

The director has a slight meltdown and by that it sounds like she is supposed to be frustrated...it came off like she forgot her lines. I could be wrong. With the PG-13 Tourette's aside, she goes for a smoke and calming down.  Ew Camels non-filtered. I think I figured out why she couldn't project loudly.   Oh in case it sounds like I don't even care about the actors dancing, there are no credits to their IMDB I could find. Yeah! That's what I am dealing with here.

Frustrated, the director/choreographer goes to give Elizabeth Ross (Yup, Betsy Ross) a piece of her mind and she bumps right into the killer; who rakes her throat with his Radu claws.  8 minutes in and we are finally getting our title cards.   A few directors still like that gag.   Finally, lead characters. Melanie (Tara Buckman of The Cannonball Run, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Xtro II: The Second Encounter, Freddy's Nightmares, and Blindfold: Acts of Obsession) sends her daughter Clarissa (Tova Sardot of Night Killer) to see her dad.  Ahh divorce but still behaved. Good call, parents.  I would also point out the striking resemblance Tara Buckman has to Linda Hamilton.   Kind of eerie truth be told.  

Suburban life of 90's coifed hair, shoulder pads in business jackets for both sexes and economy cars.  It is winter in Virginia Beach (in spite of being shot mostly in Rome) and the exposition plot dump tells the tale of the killer as he is also...a rapist. Yay. Grrr. Really need to start viewing synopsis better.

Renegotiating nudity clauses.

We know that Mel is a serious writer, because her whole den is infested with books and she smokes indoors. I vaguely recall smoking indoors. We get a red herring with her ex-lover as he drinks too much and sounds like he was voiced by a drunk Angus Scrimm (Tall Man from Phantasm series).

Melanie is attacked by said murder/rapist and she saw his face but the events are so traumatic she can't bear to think of it. A quick technical note, there was a beginning scene of Tara topless and mere seconds later, she's got a sweater on. The editor fall asleep or fall off the wagon? Your guess is as good as mine.

This masked sicko roams the streets and the cops are doing everything but yelling at Melanie for not remembering that horrible day. Yes fellas, it's all her fault your investigations turned up nothing. Jerks.

Will the killer be brought to justice? Will Melanie remember the killer, let alone who she is?

I get the vibe that Fragasso was going for an intense thriller and they snagged Bruno Mattei for the gobsmack collection of nudity and gore as he is known for. You can really tell the difference in their two styles.   The gore is definitely there, the effects are pretty hammy and the music score sounds like someone sat on a Casio keyboard.  What had the potential for a good ,psychological thriller murder mystery got dumb down for blood, guts and nudity.

So if you need implied rape and murder, see a shrink.   If you want complex story line and clever dialogue, don't watch this.   The irony is in the title as most of the murder/rapes were happening in daylight hours or really well lit homes.  Yeah well this was awful and I am out.  Please again, feel free to suggest titles for future reviews.

Shall I hold you closer, tiny dancer?

Forgotten Fantasy: The Seven Magnificent Gladiators

And we are back with another helping of Forgotten Fantasy, the Sci-Fi Fantasy that has probably fallen into the five dollar bin in Best Buy or Wal-Mart. Course if you are shopping at Wal-Mart for entertainment, you may have serious issues already. Moving along we have a heaping dish based on the brilliant work of Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai. That was made into the 1960 John Sturges' The Magnificent Seven spawning two sequels, The Return of the Magnificent Seven in 1966 and The Magnificent Seven Ride!in 1972. Alas we are not going to being viewing and reviewing some bloodier Westerns but instead we will be taking yet another peak into the warped mind of writer/director Claudio Fargassio (Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Shocking Dark) and director Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, The Tomb and The Jail: The Women's Hell ).  Yeah you know how much I love these two asshats. This is The Seven Magnificent Gladiators.

Catfight!!!

So we open with symphony orchestral and clashing cymbals for tales of high adventure!! Also some weird title sequence with overexposure and stop motion with the stills and then a gal dressed in black with an elaborate head dress walking about the Parthenon, sorceress Anakora (Barbara Pesante of The Seven Magnificent Gladiators) and mother to the brute of the land, her son the Demigod Nicerote (Dan Vadis of Colossus of the Arena, Hercules the Invincible, Hercules vs the Giant Warriors, For a Few Extra Dollars, The Stranger Returns, The Scalphunters, High Plain Drifter and Bronco Billy) razzes the villagers after destroying their homes, slaughtering their men and taking of their women. He's a people person.

Now that is a brass band! 

With the village losing the lives of their teen boys was the las straw and Anakora reviews the mystical MaGuffin, a blade forged by the god Vulcan himself and once wielded by Achilles himself that may very well be the only weapon the defeat the mad half-god but first they must find a warrior worthy to carry it, dispatch their tyrant and give them their FreeEEEEDOOOOOoMMM!!! The maidens four must journey into Rome to find the worthy man by allowing them to grip the handle. Ole' Vulcan put in the safety feature of the unworthy get their hands scalded like they dropped their mitts directly into a boiling pot. I sense quite a few pissed off guys not going to be able to wank for a while.

I HAVE THE POWERRRRR!!!

Enter the games under the cover of night by torchlight! The reigning champion Han (Lou Ferrigno of The Incredible Hulk, Pumping Iron, Hercules, The Adventures of Hercules II, The Incredible Hulk Returns, Desert Warrior, Cage, Cage II, The Incredible Hulk 1996 Fox cartoon, The King of Queens and Soupernatural) charioteer, swordsmaster and all around grappler and defeater of men could be a good start in the maidens' quest but he is being eye banged by the Emperor's consort Lucilla (Mandy Rice-Davies of Iris, Bird of Prey, Black Venus, Nana, the True Key of Pleasure and Absolute Beginners) so he may already have his enormous hands full. The racing scene was no stabilizers so yeah that hurt my eyes. Han spares the life of Scipio (Brad Harris of Samson, The Fury of Hercules, King of Kong Island, Hercules and Falcon Crest) the other gladiator defying the Emperor as they ride away.

Yes they're real, you ass!

 The maidens encounter enough cripples, the deformed that they resemble leftovers from Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks threatening to take their valuables among other things when Han and Festo manage to show up in the nick of time and slap these poor damned souls from the pretty girls. Yes Lou just slapped about the hungry, crippled and the lame. Smooth Fargasso,smooth.

Julia (Sybil Danning of The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers: Milady's Revenge, Cat in the Cage, Battle Beyond the Stars, Hercules, Howling II: Striba Bitch, Reform School Girls and Warrior Queen) warrior maiden enters a drinking contest after losing a buttload of coin on the Han and Scipio charioteer fights,hears that the fellas have been captured but enough of that!   Oiled skimpy animal hide catfighting is the name of the game! I think a horny 12 year old Claudio wrote this film. Yes with camera angles so tight we can tell if the oils have seeped in anywhere.

I am the comic relief!

After seeing Han able to wield the Sword of Achilles, Scipio and Julia take him out to meet up with a few more friends of Scipio to round out our seven, Festo (Giovanni Cianfriglia of Banana Joe, Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Ironmaster, Escape from the Bronx, 2019: After the Fall of New York, Ladyhawke and The Barbarians) and Goliath (Emilo Messina of Triumph of the Ten Gladiators, Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon, Badmen of the West, Web of Violence and Superargo contro Diaolikus), a strongman that Han harangued down the road and convinces him to join their quest to save this villagers from Nicerote.

With our seven warriors on the scene, one can only hope they can defeat the mad Demigod. One slight issue with Nicerote, is his outfit. While Connery wore his Zardoz outfit with more style and dignity, Nicerote is one hot mess. Black thigh high boots, a black leather pair of briefs, a bandoleer He-Man style and a flowing black cloak looking like Skeletor's gay cousin cruising and putting it out there a bit too much. Even Caligula would have told him to tone it down.

Maybe the subtitled version is superior but the dubbed version was quite painful. Dialogue had next to no inflection, emotion or even tone. With the exception of Goliath as he was voiced by the truly awesome baritone of Edward Mannix. Several of the extras fight sequences couldn't have done Dolemite prouder. A slight detour from the usual take on Kurosawa but over all with a few minor editing errors it wasn't bad and amazingly enough all the attractive women weren't strip bare for all to see. Even Sybil which is also shocking. 

I'm not nude. How strange.

 

Zombies: The Beginning

Well I am back. Back with even more Bruno Mattei. Oh don't pass out on me now. You are not even watching it. So remember when I said Island of the Living Dead felt like a rip off of Ridley Scott's Alien and you were probably thinking, "Well it is not likely that it gets worse than that." You weren't thinking that? Seriously? Wow. Okay well it does actually continue to suck as this time around we bring our pathetic, lifted story idea and make a sequel to it. Will it be a bug hunt? This is Zombies: The Beginning.

Rule #1: Don't taunt the critters.

SPOILERS INBOUND! Not that any of you give a fetid pair of dingoes' kidneys but the lone survivor of Island of the Living Dead was found adrift and was rescued. Yes plucky Sharon (YvetteYzon of Hustler, The Dark Side of a Woman, Secrets of Women, The Jail: The Women's Hell, Island of the Living Dead and My Lai Four), has horrible slow motion HDCAM shots for dreams about footage that was NOT even part of the original film. After some rest and a probably much needed shower (of which we didn't get to see), Sharon re-accounts all the events of the island issues, why the Dark Star blew up and what happened to the rest of the crew. Tyler Inc. Doesn't seem to take her word for it and wants to send an expedition out to it. Also Sharon is now a doctor rather than just treasure hunter because....um...reasons??

Sharon retreats to a monastery to cleanse her soul and look cute in a toga? Tyler Inc.'s mouthpiece and drug company rep Paul Barker (Paul Holmes of Drop Dead Fred, Rizal in Dapitan, La visa loca, Foster Child and Water Wars) tells Sharon that Tyler Inc sent a medical ship over to observe these "undead" and get samples of which that brought to another island that Tyler Inc bought. They had to compete with InGen over it but settled out of court. Sharon flat out refuses to go to it but the company promises she is going merely as an observer, protected by a platoon of mercs and will see what really happened and....hey this sounds familiar. Yup and if you were pissed about that notion you will love loads of the musical from Aliens is lifted, scenes from Crimson Tide used for the "submarine" travel because Los Angeles class Naval nuclear subs are a dime a dozen. Pretty sure corporate can just buy those outright.

Hold up!  Found my golf ball, everyone!

Sgt. Zamura (Robert B. Johnson of Zombies: The Beginning) has his work cut out for him while leading his fine collection of bad asses against the shambling dead. The base is completely deserted and yet somehow almost completely intact. Our marines er um mercs find test cages with zombies, a warehouse filled with parts and chunks of flesh and some sort of aborted baby fetuses via baby zombies. What in the good gravy was the Umbrella Corp...I mean Tyler Inc paying these people to do??? Sharon channels Ripley for most of the rest of the film and goes in to fight alongside the mercs. Yes there is even a queen zombie and yup zombabies. Will "Doctor" Sharon be able to escape this one? Will she get an even fancier title in the next sequel?

The only reasons that Mattei didn't get sued for blatant knock off of Aliens is international film law covered under a pseudonym and I don't think James Cameron knows his former nemesis zinged him again. Years ago, Bruno bought the rights to the title Terminator 2 a year prior to T2: Judgement Day's release. Amusingly enough, they screwed up and got an Aliens story from that as well.

Lifted footage from Hell of the Living Dead again, Predator and Tie Fight sound effects used for the APC driving scenes, a ton of Romero references and even some music taken directly from the Resident Evil 2 video game. This marks as Bruno Mattei's final entry into film as he passed away in 2007.

Eww...unibrow.

Island of the Living Dead

Hey there folks. So I am forcing a bad movie on you brought to us from our old exploitation/blockbuster knock off maestro Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Double Target, Robowar, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Shocking Dark and Cruel Jaws). Yeah I know you recognize the name and the titles so that being saying, we have a fun filled adventure that basically spits in the face of Ridley Scott's Alien with a theme of treasure hunters and a desert island not previously mapped. This is Island of the Living Dead.

EXTRAS! Forward!!

Blowing off the dust from an old pseudonym Vincent Dawn to head back into the subgenre of zombies. As they were supposed to film in Argentina they found it too be too expensive, they decided to head to the Philippines to bring the evils.

Our opus opens with Conquistadors to toss natives infected in a dungeon while a voodoo ceremony raises them from the dead with so much fog from projectors and dry ice. Umm at least the costumes fit the extras?? 300 years later, our treasure hunters hit the high seas, our crew of the Dark Star (John Carpenter homage, perhaps?) are hit by a mysterious fog bank on a dark and stormy night only to wake the next morning to be in front of an island that is not on any map they can find. With the ship conveniently needing repairs, our crew go to shore for looting purposes.

Fred, did you notice a rotting smell?

The intrepid team consisting of Captain Kirk (Ronald Russo of Trhauma, Ladyhawke, Detective Malone, Caged Women and Intimate Crimes), Snoopy (Jim Gaines of Black Fire, War Without End, Zombi 4 and Faster) Fred (Alvin Anson of Terrorist Hunter, Rome & Juliet, Black Market Love, Baler, My Lai Four and Flames of Love), Victoria (Ydalia Suarez of In the Land of the Cannibals, La bambina dalle mani sporche, Island of the Living Dead and La grande Rabbia) and Sharon (Yvette Yzon of The Dark Side of a Woman, Secrets of Women, A Shudder on the Skin, The Jail: The Women's Hell, Island of the Living Dead, Zombies: The Beginning and My Lai Four) all heading for the mainland exploring split into three teams of two. Cover more ground and get your party killed off! Kirk observes some antiquated parchment to find this is the resting place of a Spanish Galleon filled gold. Fred and Sharon found a monk in robes who happened to be a zombie and Fred takes his head off with a boomstick. With greed and stupidity, the cast tries to make off the gold and blood thirsty hordes of zombies appear. Is the gold worth it? Will the crew make it out alive?

When he is not lifting scenes from previously existing films like Night of the Living Dead remake, Fulci's Zombi several times, his own flick Hell of the Living Dead and even Lenzi's Nightmare City , Mattei shoots the whole flick on HDCAM. The dubbing is so horrible making it hard to understand half of the male cast. Alas ladies that might actually watch this stink nugget, there is no real eye candy for ya. Mattei likes to cover the fellas in that regard. Soundtracks lifted are Coppola's Dracula and Friday the 13^th and my favorite annoyance was some exterior shots from Mask of Zorro. The lawsuits avoided thanks to pseudonym. So yes if you enjoy over the top zombie stories, campy extras and a lack of direction, this is the flick for you.

Jeepers teen gang, I smell a mystery.

Robowar

Back again ladies and gents and do I have an award-winning film I want to talk about. By award-winning I mean steady yourselves for a boat load of Razzies and fiery poops from Hell. This moving pictures was brought to us overseas via Italian exploitation director Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Terminator 2 a.k.a. Shocking Dark) who is known for lifting plot, music and even stock footage of existing films all the while hiding under pseudonyms to avoid lawsuits. I was dying when I discovered that Cruel Jaws a.k.a. Jaws 5 lifted footage from Jaws, Jaws 2 and the knock off Jaws films Mako: The Jaws of Death and The Last Shark. So what do I have for you today? How about a knock-off hybrid of The Predator and Robcop? This is Robowar.

JAKODAAAAAA!!!!!!!  Oh wait, wrong flick.

For a director whose stock-in-trade is women in prison flicks and blatant rip-off films involving sci-fi, action and horror, this movie should not have been a big shock to me and yet here we are. Leading a team of commandos in the bush (jungle! Stop being pervy!) Major Murphy Black (Reb Brown of Yor, Hunter of the Future, Uncommon Valor, Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Space Mutiny, Strike Commando,Cage and Night Claw) is recruited by the CIA to rescue hostages taken by guerilla fighters in a Central American country...hey doesn't this synopsis seem familiar?? I mean Arnold's name isn't on the box but gosh if this doesn't sound like the Predator. So Slab McBeef Large and his crew sneak into the jungle and you can tell this is a Mattei film. Not just for the low budget but once again he hires Italian Chuck Norris Massimo Vanni (The Last Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Escape from the Bronx, Double Target, Cop Game, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark) who I kid you not looks like a brunette Chuck. It is eerie.

Billy, you're on beer run and stop grinning!

 What is actually going on is our "Mac" knock off tells the team that a government engineered cyborg was set into the jungles to be tested out in real time, wipe out the guerrillas and assess his capabilities but due to plot device or sunspots, the remote link was severed and now he is blowing up stock footage of Double Target and Strike Commando. Once again, this an Italian film shot in the Phillipines so you know that if you trek 500 yards from this "movie set" you will run into the many fortresses used as Women in Prison films.

The biggest complaint of this movie is the early 80's synthesizer for our musical scoring. I feel like I am watching an episode of Miami Vice that Michael Mann didn't direct so you knew there was piss poor story and no Jan Hammer music. The action is fair, the acting competent and over all not bad if I hadn't seen the original inception I might actually enjoy this mindless blood and guts flick. Don't worry Reb Brown fans, our boy is still inhaling helium for his episodic and incoherent screaming...classics like "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!!!", "GO, GO GO!!!" and my personal favorite of WAAAUGGGHH!!! But we kid Captain America of the 70's as he has a much better build than this writer hands down. Another so bad it's good. Penned by Claudio Fragasso (Women's Prison Massacre, Strike Commando, Shocking Dark, Zombi 3, Troll 2 and The 13^th Mission) you are in for many acquired line and cheesy delivery. Oh the only version I could find was with Filipino so yay me for international.

Screw this! I'm going to the Terminator 2 set!

Zombie Stew: Zombi 3

In a world that allows no cels to hit the cutting floor, 95 minutes to be chopped down to 84 and 72 thus confusing most viewers and more than 8 English alternative titles comes... well a lot of pain mostly. Welcome to Day 1 of Zombie Stew and boy do I have a treat for you all. Imagine what promises to be a Fulci movie but later revealed to be batted around by Bruno Mattei and finished off by Claudio Fragasso. This is Zombi 3.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FRUIT TO DECLARE?!!!

Also the common title for this flick being Flesh Eaters 2 our brilliant silver screen schlock establishes a terrorist attack at a chemical company, armed assailants snag a potential bio-weapon name of Death One for...a jihad? Demands to the release of their captive brothers-in-arms? Money? Yeah that part never really got focused on. With all the subtly of a cheeseball 80s action film a gun fight ensues and most of the terrorists are wiped out. One escapes into the jungle with the canister of some seriously nasty compounds when he notices the case was damaged and the canister is leaking some strange fluid on him.

With a go around with the military and scientists snarking at one another, the lead scientist Dr. Holder (Robert Marius of Heroes for Hire, Dog Tags, Warriors of the Apocalypse, Vengeance Squad, American Commandos, Movie in Action and Aliens from the Deep) explains with great length of exposition what the virus could do and even the possibility what it could do to the deceased. General Morton (Mike Monty of Thompson 1880, The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance, Achtung! The Desert Tigers, Proibito erotico, Emmanuelle 3 and Dog Tags) scoffs at Holder and tells him to go play with his test tubes and everything is at hand. No sooner do they burn the bodies that Holder tells him the virus can be made airborne and anything in those wind patterns can be affected.

Scotty from Evil Dead has seen better days.

With a camper full of fun filled teens/twenty somethings they are up for anything as they drive by a jeep of three "American Soldiers"...with long hair...and beards and frankly looking as Army as Crosby, Stills and Nash. With an evacuation order, Morton's people are trying to get everyone that has not been bit to safety. Maybe offer them some salt as well. Will Kenny Loggins and Doofus Company be able to fend off the zombies? Is the chemicals really covering the island? What is to be come of the population?

A few points of interest on this flick now. Lucio Fulci (Don't Torture a Duckling, City of the Living Dead, The House by the Cemetery and Demonia) was set to direct it when he had a mild stroke, a few days rest and he wanted to get back to work. After another 70 minutes of footage he had a major stroke and had to leave for his own health. Editor and second unit director at the time Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, The Tomb and The Jail: The Women's Hell) was asked to set into some really big shoes. Between Mattei and Claudio Fragasso they managed to edit down and add an additional 40 minutes to the film so there are about three English dubbed versions coupled with the film being re-released so many times it is difficult to nail down a definitive copy.

The continuity of which director was pushing which portion of script gets very confusing. On one end it feels like Hell of the Living Dead and next we have a chainsaw wielding, Kung Fu zombie smashing the place up and the funniest thing is Resident Evil: Extinction lifting the carrion feeding birds affected by a zombie plague from this movie.

Where...Margaritaville??

Misleading Title Week: Jaws 5 a.k.a. Cruel Jaws

Welcome one and all to Day 2 of Misleading Titles Week. Sad to say we are back in the hands of Italian designer impostor director/writer Bruno Mattei (Women's Prision Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, Robowar, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, Shocking Dark and Born to Fight). Many of you that have read earlier weeks know I covered a few of his films that lift material, whole story lines or just music from more successful films. What say we take in a creature feature? A nefarious government conspiracy of a tiger shark genetically altered by the United States Navy to be a ruthless killing machine is now loose attacking the good citizens of Hampton Bay. This is Cruel Jaws a.k.a. Jaws 5 a.k.a. The Beast a.k.a. Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws.

Yes, I am a guy in a rubber suit. What of it??

With the coastal town of the fictitious town of Hampton Bay start losing vacationers left and right the wimpy Matt Hooper archetype Billy(Gregg Hood of Miami Models, Cruel Jaws and Spoken Mirrors) tells the mayor they have to close the beaches in spite of needing the tourists' dollars. Say... this sounds familiar doesn't it? Yeah, like a Peter Benchley novel perhaps. Sheriff Francis (David Luther of Only the Strong and Cruel Jaws) bypass getting a Quint and proceeds to try and close the beaches regardless what the mayor may think.

White Urkel.

The story keeps arching back to Dag (Richard Dew of Cruel Jaws, Assault on Devil's Island and Assault on Death Mountain) owner and operator of a Sea World knock-off (that has two whole dolphins and a seal)when he isn't out standing in for Hulk Hogan. Yeah this guy is a dead ringer. It is tiring work but not as much as it is to see his little girl Susy (Kirsten Urso of Cruel Jaws) to smile... and somehow fix her crippled legs. Yes, we have a heart choker handicapped character added to the alumni. Dag is up to his eyeballs in debt as he owes the landlord Lewis (George Barnes Jr. Of Extralarge: Black Magic, South Beach, Cruel Jaws, and DV8) fifteen years back rent. Meanwhile I get a note from my manager if I am three days late with my apartment's rent. Moving on, with the shark denier Mayor Godfrey makes his concerns known to shady landlord Lewis who scoffs at the mere possibility of the slightest notion of such a creature in warm waters as poppycock. Will the shark devour everyone in sight? Will Dag join with Billy and the Sheriff as their honorary Quint? Will they in fact "Need a bigger boat?"

A few nitpicks at this time. None of the stock footage lifted from Jaws and Jaws 2 meshes with the existing footage for a proper splice. Some of the footage is at night with the day shots of his actors and vice versa. I think Mattei may have also ripped off a rip-off of Jaws. Yeah not even The Last Shark with Vic Morrow and James Franciscus was safe from Bruno's fingers.

I was have expecting Devilfish and Up From the Depths to make an appearance with the stock footage. The goofs in this movie are to die for. Continuity went out the window along with integrity and originality. The size of the shark is constantly shifting from the Tiger shark it's supposed to be to a 35 foot Great White. The helicopter gets attacked by the shark when the pilot lets go of the throttle to point at the massive Great White (AGAIN) which would have made the copter crash or at the very least drop in the water. Our actors don't even have a fiberglass or rubber shark to shoot rifles and shotguns at. Of course, a Remington 12 gauge is a GUN FROM THE FUTURE according to Aliens 2 a.k.a. Shocking Dark so that may be too much to ask for. 

 Between lifting and speed up John Williams tempo theme of Jaws and the atrocious dialogue you will be in stitches as this would be an excellent movie for mocking at home. If you want danger, suspense and blood in the water... Go watch Jaws.

Quite a hardy handshake you got there, tiny dorkmeister.

Bruno Mattei Week: Shocking Dark a.k.a. Terminator II

Hiya kiddies and welcome back to Bruno Mattei Week. Well thought we would steer away from anymore over the top Vietnam films because well there is only so much stock footage explosions my brain is comfortable taking when it points out again and again we have already seen this. This time around our film hails more of the Science Fiction route in the most amusing of rip-offs, Mattei is tackling James Cameron but somehow his production team stolen the title to the wrong Cameron project and has plenty of alternative titles since then to really confuse the obscure overseas collectors. Nice move there Flora Film. This is Shocking Dark.

Tight formation, people!  With no long range weapons.

Going by the working title, our film is also know as: Bruno Mattei's Terminator II, Aliens 2, Aliens II and Terminator 2. Real creative I know but you have to admire the freedom overseas laws offer you with a psuedonym. What's that? No, no Bruno Mattei didn't swipe your movie, it was that Vincent Dawn fellow. The movie takes place in the far away future in post-apocalyptic Venice that seems to finally be sinking into the rivers... which I am not certain how they could be filming in Venice when the entire town is on the sea and I saw more boiler rooms than I did in Space Mutiny with Reb Brown screaming,"MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!" every 5 mins or so. You know it is after a major holocaust because of the foggy shots off the bay and a sign with hazard tape and electric tape warning us that Venice is off limits. Meanwhile all the structures of the city look completely intact but out of focus. Dammit Mattei spring for some scale models, low cam panning over it and then cut to some regions that could double for ruins.

Ahhh!!! My crotch is on fire!!!

So soldiers of the sad name Tubular Corporation are known as Megaforce and are roaming around this massive steam tunnel/boiler system that looks leftover from every 80s big hair band video as it provides sparks and plenty of steam. Funny how I didn't see Barry Bostwick or Persis Khambatta in it... because they were in the movie Megaforce. Crap, I should have just made a Power Rangers joke instead of dating myself YET again. As they explore the ruins of Venice armed with the high tech weapons of Remington 12 gauge shotguns and Uzi 9mms. GUNS OF THE FUTURE!!!

They are assigned to tackle guys in rubber monster suits and smoke them like a pack of Kools. Apparently they are mutations from a genetic experiment that went horribly awry. Not that you really can see that action on account of all the damn steam. I have been in saunas with less steam. I am convinced there are Turkish bathhouses with less steam. Still it is nice to see actress Geretta Geretta of Rats: Night of Terror with a less offensive name than Chocolate. I am not certain if she is supposed to be Sgt. Apone or Pvt.Vasquez but she looks mildly tough... aside from her BMX padded felt vests and cycling protective gear servicing her and team as armor. A couple cans of spray paint and some model paint to create dents and scrapes, people and boom! Armor!

Will the Megaforce accomplish their objectives?? Can they withstand the onslaught of creatures?? Should they dust off, nuke the site from orbit and have a few brewskis?

Just a few comments on the flick now. Most of the dialogue, shots and overall story-line are completely abducted from Aliens. Word for word in some scenes. Our "Newt" Samantha as an accent that sounds Solvic one minute and then South African the next so no clue. The monster suits look like something out of Humanoids From the Deep and are even slimy so kudos there.

Of course true to Mattei's style the musical score sounds pinched from a few Miami Vice episodes and even some of composer Vangelis's Blade Runner soundtrack. So if you need something to laugh and mock at, grab this flick. For quality entertainment with the same identical plot, go grab Aliens.

My God... the ruins of Venice... The horror...

Bruno Mattei Week: Cop Game

Welcome back readers of mine and I hope to make it up for Bruno Mattei Week. As previously mentioned, I delayed write ups for personal reasons including replacing a cell phone and in general had family over to hang out with and RPG with. We are back on track now and hey how about a cop movie with such depth of a DePalma thriller? We journey to Saigon during the last year of the Vietnam War when two MP (Military Police) are operating in plain clothes find a dead prostitute in her own bed and no one is speaking up on who could have commited such a heinous act?? Oh wait... no that is the plot to Off Limits with Willem Dafoe and Gregory Hines. Yeah, that is a good film. We will be seeing the knock-off that is confusing, loads of explosions and dialogue so bad you will crack a tooth clenching your jaw. This is Cop Game.

Must not look at the camera. Crap, I did.

Our film opens with stock footage of Vietnam but clearly they are filming in the Philippines as Vietnam is a trifle touchy about war films in their backyard. Go figure. Italian master of designer impostor of cinema Bruno Mattei and written by Claudio Fragasso (Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Shocking Dark) brings us more Soviet activity in Vietnam. This time around it is the KGB have been rumored to be in the area... but enough of that thrilling concept, let's go visit buddy MPs Morgan (Brent Huff of The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak, Oblivion 2: Backlash, Hijack, Pensacola: Wing of Gold, Final Examination, Kill Speed and D-TEC) and Hawk (Max Laurel of Zuma, Hell Hunters, The Last American Soldier and Robowar) as they uncover a group of elite soldiers have gone completely crackers and are killing civilians. Our cops piece together the killers may be a recon squad known as Cobra Force... led by a guy with a speech impediment and his cohort, the Man in the Silver Mask.

Umbrella Corporation's early door-to-door sales.

It has proven difficult to get at the truth with the slinging of red herrings and red tape thanks to Skipper a.k.a. Captain Kirk (Nope, not Shatner but exploitation actor Romano Puppo of Death Rides a Horse, The Great Alligator, Robowar, 2019: After the Fall of New York and Zombie 4: After Death) Colonel Kasler (Wener Pochath of Bloodlust, A Man Called Rage, Target, Days of Hell, Striker and Laser Mission) and the enigmatic Annie (Candice Daly of The New Mike Hammer, Girs Just Want to Have Fun, Hell Hunters, Cop Game, Zombie 4: After Death and Where Truth Lies) tosssing plot twists, rumors on the street and general misdirection. Can our able cops find out who is responsible for this mayhem? Will the guilty be brought to justice? Will the damn soda machine stop carrying RC and put out some Mexicoke instead?

Well let's see what to say about this film. Brent Huff seems to be channeling Reb Brown as he shouts his every other line. Rocking his mirrored sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt so loud Magnum and Sam Axe would have passed on it. I was expecting to have people hurled about at the camera or maybe a good floor waxer chase scene. With a decent 80's title song kicking into overdrive the film gets you pumped to watch more as it is played throughout the movie in two different versions. We have footage that Mattei lifted from both Strike Commando and Robowar. That's right, he lifted huts exploding and mass wreckage from two of his previous movies. Only Mattei can steal from his own material. Our writer does a quick appearance for a role as a corporal and well it is as memorable as his stint in Hell of the Living Dead and Zombi 3. Also Actor Ottaviano Dell ' Acqua of Rats: Night of Terror, Escape From the Bronx, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Double Team manages to put in a performance as well.

What starts out as a decent car chase de-evolves into a forced perspective miniatures and further more uses footage of The Ark of the Sun God as the cars and number of passengers constantly change. Coupled with the hours of which both were shot it looks about late morning to early afternoon, so not a smooth transition.

The dialogue pulls some groaners as we are reminded that Captain Kirk's name hails from this Roddenberry project... Trek something or other. We see a fair amount of late 80's clothes and cars as this is supposed to be the end of the Vietnam War. Mindless violence, a plot so generic and more shots fired forms than Chuck Norris ever filled out. I was not really impressed.

And there on the handle, was a hook!!!   Not feeling the love, kids.

Bruno Mattei Week: Strike Commando

Hey there folks. Sorry the delay the last two days. Personal issues including having to get a new cell thanks to my graceful dropping of the previous one. With that in mind we continue Bruno Mattei Week with an incursion to Vietnam but apparently this is not part of the war bringing the ever shouty, eye bulging Reb Brown as lead role gunning men down, driving knives into their bellies and all around being a terrifying bad ass. Will this be a rip-off of anything previously existing? This is Strike Commando.

Get off my roof, squirrels!!!!

Sgt. Ransom (Reb Brown of Captain America II: Death Too Soon, Yor, Hunter from the Future, Uncommon Valor, Howling II:... Your Sister Is a Werewolf, Space Mutiny, Cage and Cage II) leads his valant men into a weapons depot in Vietnam, prepping C-4 around the base to be obilivinized I guess. His superiors are keeping an eye on the team's progress as his CO, Colonel Radek (Christopher Connelly of Gunsmoke, Paper Moon, Police Story, Airwolf, Jungle Raiders and Foxtrap) is getting antsy about the time they are pain painstakingly taking sneaking behind enemy lines, avoiding barb wire, tripwires, mines and enemy patrols. Guess Radek expected everyone to go all Solid Snake, have their cardboard box handy and just ease in and out of the location.

Hey Radek, why don't you sprint across the open minefield then? Jerk. The bombs are laid and everyone is making their way out when one of Ransom's commandos is caught and killed by a roaming guard. Should have checked his proximity detector... which he didn't have. The alarm goes off and Radek jumps the gun demanding the bombs prematurely detonate (A constant complaint he receives from his wife) while Ransom's team are still in the blast zone. Another one of the team gets blasted as everyone hauls butt and Ransom is tossed in the river.

So after this gets blown up, let's get a beer.

Found in the river by a village boy, Ransom is nursed back to health at an alarming rate. Seriously, what is in the local herbs because he is fully healed in no time. Psst Ransom, score me some of that. He agrees to lead the villagers out of harm's way when it is discovered there is a Soviet attachment working with the Vietcong. The helicopter swoops in and Radek tells the pilot to leave Ransom because the LZ (landing zone for civvies) is too hot.

Cut off from rescue, one of Ransom's majors manages to calm him down long enough for Ransom to sneak back in and take photos of the Soviets for proof they are operating out here. Far too long he is spotted and captured. The Soviets led by a fella name of Jakoda (Alex Vitale of Hands of Steel, Urban Warriors, Strike Commando, Robot Jox and Beyond the Door III) torture Ransom with electrocution, beating him, forcing him to do village chores and barbaque his back with a blow torch. Any of this sound vaguely familiar? *cough* Stallone movie

Months go by and finally the Soviets give Ransom a chance to spare his life if he speaks out against his government and points out how they left him to die while being total cowards blah blah and so on. Ransom gambles with his life and mops the floor with the soldier, scoops up Jakoda's girlfriend and tries to make it out with his life. Will he succeed in escaping? Will he demand vengeance on Radek? Is there a horrible paying ransom pun in there?

Okay now just a few comments on the movie. While not brilliant or original, this is a hard hitting, fast paced action film that provides entertainment for those wanting bullets whizzing through the air, body count rack-up and a lot of violence.

That being said, it is easy enough to see where most of the inspiration (RIP-OFFFFFF.....) came from as it is very close to Rambo: First Blood Part II overall but it also has a lot of fight sequences that are just too exact to that of the Missing in Action flick with Chuck Norris and I swear Jakoda is nothing more than a hybrid of Dolph Lundgren's Ivan Drago from Rocky IV and Lt. Nikolai Rachenko from Red Scorpion. Film theft aside, I was actually having fun with the movie in spite of the heartfelt speech Ransom goes on about Disneyland rides, junk food and candy to a dying boy that has probably NEVER heard of Mickey Mouse. To Reb's credit he looked like this is the kind of thing he would tell an actual dying boy.

Scorpions in my pants!!!!