Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Amando Ossorio Week: Horror of the Zombies

Back again boys and girls as we trek further into our Blind Dead tetralogy.   The opening credits start us off with the same Gregorian chant yet again and I will be buggered if I know what they speak of.   I have it on good authority that there will be some surprises in store for us this time around.   So saddle up, settle in and get ready for this whirlwind of excitement.   This is Horror of the Zombies a.k.a. El buque maldito.
Tee hee!

A’ vast maties there be spoilers on this voyage of the damned!

Moving our location we find ourselves away from Portugal and on the happening streets of Madrid and it’s fashion week…in Madrid…didn’t know that was a port of call for such so I will just smile, nod and sally forth.     We see that world of modeling through the eyes of Noemi (Barbara Rey of El chulo, Zorrita Martinez, Rostros and Vampiresas) as she is looking for her missing roommate Kathy.  Her last known location was with her employer Lillian (Maria Perschy of Man’s Favorite Sport?, 633 Squadron, House of Psychotic Women, Fox Hunt and The People Who Own the Dark), a woman so cold to the touch you could keep a side of beef in her for a month.    Lillian states that Kathy (Blanca Estrada of I Hate My Body, Suesualidad, The Book of Good Love, Las locuras de Jane and Mystery on Monster Island) no doubt is a typical dumb girl and is shirking her responsibilities and shoos Noemi away.   Noemi threatens to call the police and Lillian looks genuinely nervous.   Later that day, Lillian explains to Noemi that Kathy is fine and in a boat in the Atlantic with another model partaking in a publicity stunt for a sportswear advertising campaign.   Yeah I am stumped how that helps the shareholders too folks.   
Curse you, He-Man!

 Say, wasn't there supposed to be Knights Templar in this flick?  This is where the story sort of detracts from the story presence of the second film.  With a foundation of explaining who the Knights are, what is their purpose and overall goals this film does a 180 and just leaves you thinking, “I really could be doing the laundry now.”   Methinks the producers or money lenders had too much influence and said, “Hey we want to see jiggly girls in bikinis!”    Ossorio went on record during his interview/documentary that he was less than satisfied with this film so you can be assured there will be some chop in the waters already.

Getting back to our riveting story, entrepreneur Howard Tucker (Jack Taylor of The Vampires’ Night Orgy, Call of the Blonde Goddess, Conan the Barbarian, Panther Squad and The Sea Serpent), sporting goods mogul hired both Kathy and second model for this brilliant concept to bring vast media attention as they are…out in the sea by a main shipping route.  Tee hee girlies all defenseless and in need of rescue.    I really do not get the crux of this plan but Tucker is convinced this will net him millions, since his car didn’t do so well.  Oh wait.. that was Jeff Bridges’ movie.  Boy that sounds much better to watch.   The girls report in every other hour via CB to inform us they are fine but this time around they see in the *ahem* Fog an ancient Spanish Galleon that crashes into their little speedboat.  They are forced to climb aboard as they are many miles from civilization.  Such awesome power does the ship emit, that it can turn day into night.  And more Fog than the Carpenter flick and yet it is less dense than the models.
Jazz Hands fail!

With no communication since their last contact, Noemi threatens to go to the press and Tucker’s henchman locks her up and collars her to a cot.  Yeah so now endangerment to human life, fraud and kidnapping is the order of the day.   For a business mogul Tucker seems a bit dumb.  Clearly he needs to just take Noemi for a little drive that ends with her in a trash compactor but hey I can only do so much for the guy.   Tucker and Lillian go to the girls’ aid after making a stop at the University for an expert on 16th century Galleons.   Keep in mind the description of the ship was so vague it bordered on a big boat.  

33 minutes go by with a tick tock of the slowest clock and finally a hint that the Knights Templar are even in this fricking movie.  OVER A HALF HOUR!!!!!   The pathetic attempt at a back story for almost every character except the ship’s parrot just drug on.   The parrot didn’t get much of a speaking part and was a womanizing booze hound. 

The production quality went really downhill, the lighting with fog looks atrocious, I feel like I watching a Scooby Doo mystery…with implied rape, slow pacing and death scenes that takes ages to start.  Yes it is about the same level grisly kills but it just felt forced.  Yes somehow we’re supposed to forget Tucker’s henchman clearly attacked Noemi prior to this rescue attempt.     That’s all for now folks.   Here’s hoping number 4 is a vast improvement.