Hey kids I’m baaaaaack.
And what could be more than searching all of Dune for spice, oh wait
that we aren’t watching anything as near as classy as Dune. Thank God too. If you are not a Frank Herbert fan you can
barely follow the original Dune anyway.
No instead I thought we go with something campy, goofy and entirely too
much blue screen. So grab your
vibroblades, hoist the pirate colors and beware of space herpes. This is The Ice Pirates.
 |
| Never bother an alien on the crapper |
Spoilers are the source
of ultimate power!!!
Well folks starting this off I want to point out this is not
meant to be taken serious…at all. Scifi/Comedy here. Writer
Stanford Sherman (The
Man from U.N.C.L.E., Batman, Shalimar, Krull and The Man Who Wasn’t There)
and writer/director Stewart Raffill (Across the Great Divide, High Risk, The Sea
Gypsies, Mac and Me and Passenger 57) comes a tale in the far away
future where the galaxy is apparently drying up. The main gold mine these days is water. Yes
H2O worth more than all the spice the Atreides clan can muster. Now when pirate is used in a sentence you
normally think a scarred, scurvy ridden rapist and pillager. Well not so much is the case here. They are outfitted with rapier and cutlass
still but it is more blasters and not so much burning down townships or
colonies.
 |
| Space models away!! |
The film follows the course of Jason (Robert Urich of Magnum Force,
Vega$, SWAT, Spenser: For Hire, She Knows Too Much and Lonesome Dove)
leader of his nefarious…water thieves and fairly nice guy, his right hand man
Roscoe (Michael D. Roberts of Manimal, Double Trouble, Manhunter, Rain Man and
The First Family) head technician and primary robot builder, Zeno(Ron
Perlman of Beauty and the Beast, Chronos, Enemy at the Gates, Fallout 3, Blade II, Hellboy and Hellboy II:
The Golden Army) the cutthroat, Maida (Anjelica Huston of This Is Spinal
Tap, Prizzi’s Honor, The Dead, The
Addams Family, Buffalo Girls and The Perez Family) the
swordsmaster…mistress (whatever) and Killjoy (John Matuszak former Oakland Raiders defensive end and of Caveman, The Dukes of
Hazzard, The Goonies, Command 5 and Hollywood Beat) these ragtag rebels
survive by stealing ice from this empiric orders known as the Templars of the
planet Mithra.
Oh god not again.
They’ll rip the hearts out of women’s chests and…oh never mind. Not the Blind Dead series after all. Maybe they hail from Middle Earth. Uh getting back to the film at hand Jason and
several of his crew were captured after a botched attempt at an ice run where
they are to be castrated, lobotomized and put into indentured servitude. Seriously folks this cannot be an option
over death. Personally I would be
picking fights with Killjoy just so he would snap my neck and that would be
it. Just as it would look the boys are
going to get the snip, a one Princess Karina (Mary Crosby of Dallas, Tapeheads,
The Legend of Zorro, Queen of the Lot and The M Word) buys the lot of
them to find the legendary planet, the 7th world. An Earth like planet encompassed in 75% of
water. I thought it had no texture. Downside is no one truly knows where this
planet is and the stories go that in has a time warp jump around it that can
significantly age a man or woman to death and if they are off my a fraction of
a margin they could be lost in a void forever.
 |
| Hmm hot girl in cryogenics...handy. |
A few amusing aspects of this film I noticed and wanted to
point them out. During one of the big
swordfights I noticed the place they are filming in was the Anheuser-Busch brewery
in Van Nuys California. I went on a tour
many moons ago but I swear to you those winding metal staircases are them. Raiding parties seem to consist of humans and
droids. I presume for heavy lifting or
just faster attack speeds but most of the crew’s droids look a bit battered and
worn. Several bits of footage of the
movie are clipped from Logan’s Run and Rollerball and Kevin Costner turned down
the role of Jason. It’s crass,
politically incorrect and Tylenol still remains in the far, far away future. Watch this for the pimp bots alone. Yes droids talking late 70’s jive and pimping
girls out. Damn, I want a pimp bot.
No comments:
Post a Comment