Grab Bag Week Returns: Jason X

And welcome the last day of Grab Bag Week and what review of mine would be complete without mentioning at least one cheeseball horror movie?   A promise of 8 years after Jason Voorhees was sent to Hell the fans’ last image of him was his mask being snared with Freddy Kruger’s knife imbued glove, hinting that a showdown between the two monsters was well on its way.  Well that’s not the film we are enduring today.  So grab a flashlight, have some premarital sex and some booze.  This is Jason X.

PREMARTIAL SEX BAD!! Grrr!!!  Yarrr!!!

They won’t die! These Spoilers just won’t die!









The late director James Issac (The Horror Show, Skinwalkers and Pig Hunt) and writer Todd Farmer (The Messengers, My Bloody Valentine remake and Drive Angry) bonked their heads together and spewed this bit of dreck on the big screen with a decent budget.  Yeah that’s right kids I am talking about Jason in SpaAaaaAaceeeee!!!  Ahem, for those of you not in the knowing and count your lucky soul; we open our movie in 2015 after somehow Crystal Lake has a research center opened up, with no loss of construction workers, personnel or civvies getting eviscerated, broken, snapped or disemboweled with a trowel by Jason (Kane Hodder of Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan, Daredevil, Hatchet and Hatchet 2) ; as he is resting in Hell more than a decade.   Oops, plot sink hole?  So some elite cadre of Special Forces somehow captured Jason and had him in chains.  An argument for the behest of Jason’s remains is between Rowan (Lexa Doig of Tek War, Andromeda and Stargate: SG-1) the “Jason” expert and Dr Wimmer (David Cronenberg: director of Scanners, Videodrome, The Dead Zone and the Fly) some scientist of genetic manipulation and more sci-fi based babble claimed Jason Voorhees some regenerative ability so clearly we should restrain him and keep only one guard that doesn't look old enough to shave.

Yeah kids the first Friday the 13th onscreen murder in 8 years and…no we don’t even get to see it.  No sooner do the soldiers find Jason, he goes sickhouse on the lot and only Rowan left she freezes Jason in a cryogenic chamber and naturally trapped with him in a deep freeze.

Owww, my contacts!!!!  VISINE STAT!!!!!

A little over 400 years later both Rowan and Voorhees is discovered in said chamber, Jason looks like he is in an industrial ice machine the far off way of 2015 tech; this group of young students and teacher decide to take both Rowan and Jason back to their spaceship and save them.

Now let’s us step back for a moment and review.  Big hulking masked guy with a machete in his hand and slight and petite girl on the floor with a stab wound. Hmm, I wonder what to do.  Faster that you can say get the hell out of there, the door knobs revive the “Jason” expert and she begins warning them over and over channeling her inner Ripley at half the height, she is scoffed and yes you guessed Jason awakes and proceeds to make meat patties out of a few of the students but hey worry ye not smarter kids.  We have our own squad of pseudo colonial marines that travel with us and they’ll take this boyo on.

With their Doom stolen weapons title of BFGs (Big F**king Guns).   Very little was done to train these people with in military precision,  couple of days with an off duty S.W.A.T. Commander maybe but no; it’s nitwits with guns.
Suffice to say I am not impressed with Todd Farmer’s writing thus far and it is not even remotely possible I ever will be.   Decent usage of CGI effects and the death scenes were fairly elaborate but all in all we really didn't break new ground here.  Apparently the key notion is do NOT take a killer into space or you get straight-to-DVD results.

Stupid gun!  I better get a pitchfork or kitchen knife!