Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Post Apocalyptia Italianio: New Barbarians

Hey there all and welcome back to the week. Well if you read the general vibe of social media, people are either heading off to Canada and Mexico, hoarding water, gasoline and MREs and overall being insane because of the ginger demon will shortly be running the country. So with that theme in mind, it is clearly time for some post-apocalyptic films but not any old doomed region. No, no. We are heading towards Italian Post-apocalyptic films. Spaghetti Sci-Fi? Post-apocalyptic Pasta? I prefer Post-Apocalyptia Italiano of which my lady made it sound like a bistro that serves a lot of rat based meals. Starting us off down "The Road", ha slap me, is the Sci-Fi, Sci-Fi Fantasy and Action exploitation director himself, Enzo G. Castellari (A Few Dollars for Django, Eagles Over London, Cold Eyes of Fear, Street Law, The Inglorious Bastards, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx, Tuareg: The Desert Warrior and Hammerhead) and the dark fiendish fate awaiting humanity. This is The New Barbarians a.k.a. Warriors of the Wasteland a.k.a. Metropolis 2000 a.k.a. The New Barbarians: Warriors of the Wasteland

Mad Max's Cousin: Snarky Sid.

The year is 2019 and the Decepticons have control of Cybertron and.. hang on a tit, that Transformers: The Movie. Sorry about that. The year is 2019, after a nuclear bombardment, humanity has been reduced to handfuls of starving groups struggling to survive from day to day. Couldn't help but notice this particular crowd had a streaming water basin by them that looks similar to Lake Havasu Arizona but I must still be in shock and awe of the world's ending.

Damn, they trying to make me look uncool.

Our paltry crowd of survivors are attacked by a gang known as the Templars, that raid, pillage and plunder whatever settlements pocketed with humanity to clean the Earth of their verminous ways. Lead by One (George Eastman of Ironmaster, Monster Hunter, Endgame- Bronx lotta finale, Blastfighter, King David and The Barbarians), they are zipping about in dune buggies, bikes and wearing hand-me-downs from either the Motion Picture or Wrath of Khan. It is hard to tell. That and lots of white plastic. Guess this is Post-Apocalyptic Endor and they just stripped the stormtroopers. Mako, his "Number One GuuuuUUuUy" (Massimo Vanni of The Inglorious Bastards, The Last Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Rats: Night of Terror, Zombi 3, Zombi 4: After Death and Body and Soul) wipes out fallout fools left and right in their souped up buggies. I think they stole Megaforce's entire patrol enforcement vehicles and removed the armament. Sadly No Persis Khambatta in or out of scanty outfits.

My hair is fabulous!

The Crazies and no not the George Romero nor its remake are wrapped in dirty white cloth like mummies, wearing welding goggles ,duct tape and a few spears. They mostly grunt, hobble and make like Sand People. 14 minutes in and the movie's bad ass is on the scene. Scorpion (Not the Mortal Kombat guy, Giancarlo Prete of Street Law, Who Breaks... Pays, The Loves and Times of Scaramouche, Messalina, Messalina, Midnight Blue and The Last Shark), a former Templar dispatches the crazies with Han Solo/Indiana Jones style with his pistol. Engaged in a long range fight with his blaster versus a sling shot I saw it was a boy. Turns out it was a mock battle then I saw the boy. Frickin' Bob from House by the Cemetery's Giovanni Frezza. KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!! Scorpion doesn't trek the wastelands in a buggy or BMX, no sir or lady. Our boy rolls in a souped up black 1967 Pontiac Firebird. The bubble dome and wing looks a bit screwy but damn if that isn't a fine piece of machinery.

Having a Templar encounter, Scorpion picks up Alma (Anna Kanakis of Sugar, Honey and Pepper, Warriors of the Wasteland, 2019: After the Fall of New York, A Season of Giants, Young Catherine, Money and The Final Contract) who wants to move her people to a safer location away from the Templars but it will take some doing. Enter Nadir (Fred Williamson of Black Caesar, Hell Up in Harlem, Tough Guys, The Inglorious Bastards, Hell's Heroes, From Dusk 'Til Dawn, Vegas Vampires and Revamped) an explosives expert with archery skills and a disturbing leather outfit with golden shoulder pads. How the hell do you make Fred Williamson look uncool and what gives you the right, Enzo Castellari!?!

Rectum?  We're gonna kill'em!

Between the two, they figure they can fend off One's army of bad touch marauders long enough for the group to get off to where they need to start a new life with their leader Father Moses (Venantino Venantini of The Exterminators of the Year 3000, My Other Husband, Ladyhawke, The Assisi Underground, Final Justice, The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra, The Repenter and The King's Whore)

Composer Claudio Simonetti (Deep Red, Suspiria, Demons, Opera, The House of Witchcraft, Nightmare Beach and Mother of Tears) a real electrofunk, disco electric drum beats giving it an groovy, yet funky vibe. Now with all this coolness in mind, there is a sodomy scene while not graphic is creepy enough so you have been warned. Yes fellas there is a fair degree of nudity so you won't get bored.