Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Bloody Pit of Horror

Greetings and salutations readers of the blog and welcome back to ICWXP Week. I know this may be difficult to comprehend but I am actually reviewing something I enjoy for a change. That being said today we move to Episode Three of Season One. More body oils than you are comfortable with viewing. More armpit stench courtesy of Italy. Yes, time for another sweaty Mickey Hargitay film to make Rick question his sexuality yet again. This is Bloody Pit of Horror.

Routine maintenance at the Cine-a-Sorrow.

Yes readers, I know that Riff Trax also did a version of this. Guess what? Still prefer this one. Directed by Massimo Pupillo (Terror- Creatures from the Grave, Bloody Pit of Horror and The Revenge of Lady Morgan) and well, not 100% sure how this was ever horrifying...in 1965...in Technicolor but there must have been someone fudging their shorts over it somewhere. A photographer, editor and former newspaper man takes an assortment of models to a seemingly abandoned castle for some "sexy horror covers" for horror novels. Yup that is truly the plot we are all contending with.

The wheels on the bus go to Hell.

But wait! What's happening to Rick and the bots?!! Well firstly the bots to boy had to sit through a short film called the Talking Car and no, amazingly enough David DeCoteau didn't write or direct this along with his sweaty, awkward 1313 softcore gay porns either. These possessed predecessors of Christine demand that young Timmy learn the see and be seen rules of pedestrian safety or they will gang up on him and spin donuts on his little soft and underdeveloped brain. Also we have a new face at the candy counter, a Professor Zediakah Logan or Zed the Head if you prefer. A sophisticated and brilliant psychologist that just happens to be a zombie head that kept his intelligence. Topsy and Cylon want him as a pet and promise to tend to all his needs.

Dude, your wingman's slouching.

Uh-oh, zombie signal!  Back to the theater of anguish and torture!!   Why torture?  Well you go ahead and look at Mr. Universe of 1955 oiling up his hands and arms and try not think of getting fisted. GO AHEAD, TRY! Ya can't do it, can you?!!   So our young models scantily jiggling about and the most dull of photo shots get into mischief as they deal with the owner of said castle/recluse/chess master and body fitness instructor played by Mickey Hargitay who lives with a deep dark secret... No he is not gay. Sheesh, if only they were that lucky. Instead he hears in his head the voice of...the Crimson Executioner!   He kinda dresses like Disco Pervy Phantom and the bright red leotards tell me he is circumcised.   Thank God I know that now.   Dude this outfit includes a cowl, domino mask commonly found on Bucky or Robin, red leotard pants and buccaneer boots. I was expecting an ass flap to go with his pants too.

Host segment takes the boys out for a nap as they are tormented in their sleep by the craggy and crotchety voice of a Model A Ford from beyond the scrapyard...OoOoOOo...

If only I was still a reporter, there might be something to this. Some "accidental"deaths occur and we should think about how much of a safety hazard the place is. Calling OSHA for starters possibly EPA. Think of the oil drizzlings at least. Given how much muscle grease Hargitay had on him, I was envisioning those stone steps as a major trip issue. Will the models survive the night?? Can anything be done to stop the madness?? Has Blackwood developed Smell-O-Vision to further mess with Rick??

Our host segments are enjoyable and for those bitching about low budget and such I remind you of MST3K's KMTA and Season 1 years and then tell you to go pound sand. The introduction to Zed was fun and the fellas embrace the inner Dio within. Plenty of good stuff here. Favorite Riff : Here for the Porno and What have you done to the Janitor. Watch and see!!

Channeling Psycho Power!!