Stan Winston's Wrong Turn

Ah nature. She brings us water, fresh air, forests to burn down at a whim's notice. Helpless creatures to shoot, skin and cook. That being said, today's requested film will keep most of you out of the woods period. Welcome back to the humdinger today is the Stan Winston production throwback flick, Wrong Turn.

Kids, tobacco is wacko if you're a teen.

Directed by Rob Schmidt (Speed of Life, Crime + Punishment in Suburbia, Wrong Turn, The Alphabet Killer, Fear Itself and Masters of Horror episode) teamed up with sensational writers Alan B McElroy (Halloween 4: Return of Michael Myers, Spawn, The Marine, Thr3e, Tekken, The Marine 4: Moving Target, The Perfect Guy and The Condemned 2) giving us a return to yesteryear. A young couple just have to do some mountain climbing, right? I think that is just freehand climbing or...you know what? I don't care. This is just another contrite means of distracting me with either a graphic murder/jump scare or alluding to a jump scare. Too many jump scares, modern horror. STOP THAT. What's that? Boyfriend's rope went slack and he went deathly quiet? Oh he's pulling a prank on me. Tee hee, I left my brain at the bottom of the mountain.

So we are on the road now with Detective Quinn who doesn't like gridlock apparently. A shame he couldn't used his phone to alert him of traffic conditions. The radio does that too, Joey! Taking a quick route to a rural gas station at the corner of rapey gas station and hillbilly banjo playing cliche, Flynn played by Desmond Harrington finds a less traveled gravel path way through the mountains and back to the main overpass. If I was reading it right, it may actually be a decent short cut. Old Man attendant goes back to spacing off and scratching those story line much needed balls as Flynn gets back on the road less traveled in the hopes of getting to California quicker because... yeah I don't remember why he is even going to Cali. Dexter's in Miami, dude.

Next time on Dexter...

Well done. It's only a parked car you slammed right into. Next time drive staring ahead where you are driving instead of out of your upper eye lids. Jagoff. How the hell was that even possible you ask? No clue. Derptity derp derp.

Detective Flynn flies head on into an obviously parked car. Starting to see why Dexter is still running free.

And remember Horror movie rules, people so cell and smart phones are useless. By the by, this almost feels like exploitation territory except the cast clearly has touch ups and decent foundation.

Our collective camping nitwits are out because Jesse (Eliza Dushku of True Lies, Bring it On, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Catwoman, Batman: Year One, Dollhouse Wet and Open Graves) had a bad break up. Psst, Flynn. Rebound sex is possible so don't screw it up by talking. Son of a bitch, he blew it!  4 of our party decide to go further down the road and look for help given they need new tires. Homemade spike strip assured that. Why don't we all go back the road we came from?  Shaddup!  We ain't got time for your logic!  Well why don't we all go together instead of leaving two of us behind??

Don't breathe....and don't fart really loud either.

Time to thin the cast. Cause weed means a horrible person. So a plethora of horrible weapons used to dispatch our fun loving hippy types and I have had no emotional investment in any of them so I am mystified on how I should feel.

Emanuelle Chriqui of 100 Girls, The Steps, Murder in the First, Entourage and Killing Jesus and Jeremy Sisto of Clueless, Hideaway, Ice, Law & Order,Wicked City and Rent Control are commonly tremendous talent but....not so much here. They leap when they should look ,they speak when they should think and die when they could have avoided it altogether.

So what can be said about this film? Well the FX, make-up and what practical effects were made looked awesome. Some of the CGI wipes, additional and green screens weren't bad per say but I have seen better. Story? Don't go camping in the woods, trying to give the Friday the 13^th element back to camping or the Jaws theme of going into the water if you will. It took me what felt like ice ages recognizing actors Lindy Booth and Kevin Zegers because I was not a huge fan of the Dawn of the Dead remake.

A retro-gradation story-line that they should have to dropped it in late 80s or early 90s so the cell phone angle a tad more believeable, plus I really wanted to hear one of the cast use gnarly or bitching. Again not a bad film some of the camera effects were a nice touch. I saw an Dario Argento or more specifically Mario Bava influence with a close-up on eyes and mouths. So impressive were the gore effects practical that I felt the CGI slapped them in the face not matching them up.

With Stan Winston Productions handling practical effects, Hillbilly murderer makeup and static wounds, it would almost be a true 70s grindhouse horror if not for modern elements. Hell I say toss it back into the 70s. Music, clothes, lingo and make it just flow naturally, man. Some Three Dog Night in the background. Hell not like you couldn't find a 1974 album or song title for your Horror

Stan oversaw the makeup, appliances and also his company produced this film so you know he didn't just get his hands dirty. More like his arms were chest deep in a man's sternum.

With all these known quantities maybe that is why the actors feel wasted in this flick. Would have been better with a cast of unknowns and maybe either Sisto or Harrington as a state trooper following a missing persons/death statistic rate hunch and stumbles upon the inbred, redneck mountain men.

This way the kids have a cop to hide behind and he plays mentor to instill some hope and courage in them before he nobly sacrifices himself to save their lives a little bit longer. What the crap?

OoOoO a cut above the rest.

I am so writing this script.