Burt Reynolds Week : White Lightning

Welcome one and all to the week of Burt Reynolds.  Now I will be going over his earliest movies as we already covered him being in Gunsmoke for 4 years.   This time around we have a guanine time line movie for you.  It’s all about stilling shine, bribes and a bit unorthodox police brutality.  So strap on your seat belts, keep a look out of smokeys and brace yourselves.  This is White Lightning.

Silly smokeys think I am gonna pull over.

You damn peanuthead, you don’t know your spoiler from second base, you know that?

Bobby”Gator” McKlusky (Burt Reynolds of Navajo Joe, Gunsmoke, Shamus, The Longest Yard, Hooper, Starting Over and City Heat) is doing a nickel stretch in Arkansas corrections for running moonshine when he finds out his younger brother Donny was murdered.  He believes that the sheriff of the county he grew up in is responsible.  He knows that Sheriff J.C. Conners (Ned Beatty of Deliverance, The Thief Who Came to Dinner, The Last American Hero, Gator, Superman, Midnight Crossing and Homicide: Life on the Street)is more crooked than a white fence and agrees to go undercover for the Feds to expose the sheriff for the dubious, heartless bastard that he is.  To do that, the Feds outfit Gator with a ’71 LTD with a V8 big block so he can tear ass around the county and sign up to run moonshine or “White Lightning” as it is called in these here parts.   Yikes, talking like that is contagious.

Ladies dig the burns, fellas. Remember that.

Gator hooks up with an ex-con mechanic name of Dude Watson (Matt Clark of In the Heat of the Night, The Outlaw Josey Wales and Back to the Future Part III) to bring Gator into the shine business.  Reluctant as hell but knows when he is whipped, Dude links Gator up with Roy (Bo Hopkins of the Wild Bunch, American Graffiti, Midnight Express and Cowboy Up) a good ole boy that needs a blocker to mess with the cops between deliveries.  Gator starts jotting down how much gets delivered and to whom, in the hopes this will tighten the noose around J.C.’s neck.  A bit of side action from Roy’s ladyfriend Lou (Jennifer Billingsley of General Hospital, Lady in a Cage and The Thirsty Dead) who could not outwit a stuffed iguana but is easy on the eyes.

I have just a few points to make about the film.  This flick was shot in 35mm Spherical and sadly recorded in Mono.  Stereo was a trifle expensive.   As the cops are chasing Gator down a dirt path I noticed the rear window in his car was indeed missing but prior to the chase he leapt in the car and it had a rear window.  Continuity people!!!!   We had a few six shooters fire more than their fare share of rounds than the revolver carried but again this tiny oversight can be ignored.   

Best be good, boy or I make you squeal like me.

This film has street brawling, car chases, shoot outs and more action in just one film that I have seen in a while.  Yes fellas, you get to see a fair amount of Billingsley; now move on.  All in all it was a fun flick.

Cult Film Week : Death Race 2000

Happy Valentine’s Day gang and hey what better way to commiserate the holiday that will yet another cult film.   Yeah we will be skipping the multitude of women in prison flicks if at all possible due to the mass damper it would be.   Instead let us focus on a Roger Corman production that has folks still talking about it and created remakes and prequels to that remake.   So fasten your harness, pop a couple adrenaline pills and let’s rack up some points.   This is Death Race 2000.

Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer!

Spoilers are not above God but above man.

In the latter 1970’s The United States are no more.  The New World has collapsed between financial ruin and a military coup.  A singular Bipartisan Party acts as a national church controlling media and way of thinking, the result is a police state called the United Provinces (I smell the evils of Canada at work) led by Mr. President (Sandy McCallum of Fantasy Island, Lou Grant, Thomas Edison and the Electric Light and Solomon).  To pacify the mindless drones an session of gladiatorial events are broadcasted including the  Annual Transcontinental Death Race a three-day race were points are scored not merely based on skill and speed but the number of innocent pedestrians that are killed during the race.  Yes that is correct they are purposely running down people in their souped up rides.  In the far away timeline of 2000 the 20th Annual Death Race is rearing to go.  So let’s meet the contestants shall we?

Man, haven't heard this many boos since Cliffhanger.

We have Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (Sylvester Stallone of Rocky, First Blood, Nighthawks, Cobra, Over the Top, Lock Up and The Expendables)  his custom-built car looks like a hybrid dune buggy has a huge Rambo like knife welded to front along with twin machine guns bolted and mounted to the front as well.  His navigator Myra (Louisa Moritz of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Sixpack Annie, The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington, New Year’s Evil, True Confessions and Lunch Wagon) Nero the Hero (Martin Kove of Last House on the Left, Bloodtide, The Karate Kid, Cagney and Lacy, The Man from Nowhere, Revamped and Savage) in “The Lion” a modified Fiat 850 Spider with navigator Cleopatra (Leslie McRay of Girl in Gold Boots, Coffy, Willie Dynamite and Hit Lady)

Matilda the Hun (Robert Collins of Women in Cages, The Big Doll House, Caged Heat, Alias Big Cherry, Eaten Alive and Whiskey Mountain) decked out like a nazi in her modified Volkswagen Karmann Ghia body shaped into a V-1 Flying bomb and her navigator Herman” The German” Boch (Gopher??  Um Fred Grandy of Maude, Monster Squad, Fantasy Island and The Love Boat) Calamity Jane (Mary Woronov of Eating Raoul, Get Crazy, Blood Theatre, Young Lust and Night of the Comet) and her Bull buggy and navigator Pete (William Shepard of Beyond the Time Barrier and Phantom of the Paradise) And of course the man you have all been waiting for.  The most celebrated racer of all time and the government’s champion FRANKENSTEIN!!!! (David Carradine of Kung Fu, Circle of Iron, Deathsport, Lone Wolf McQuade, The Warrior and the Sorceress, Warlords, Kill Bill: Vol. 1, Hellride and Kill Bill: Vol. 2) half man and half machine, Frankenstein goes back out on the road that beckons him he wear a mask to cover his disfigured face and his outfit screams I just left the afterhours BDSM bar and boy are my legs tired.  In his modified Shala Vette he is accompanied by his new navigator Annie Smith  (Simone Griffeth of Ladies’ Man, Amanda’s, Hot Target, The Patriot and A Funeral 4 Two) With play by play commentary Junior Bruce (Don Steele of Targets, The Student Leaders, The Day the Earth Moved, Grand Theft Auit and Rock ‘n’ Roll High School) you get the feeling that is to be a dark comedy poking fun at the couch potatoes in front of the sets across the country that have no thought whatsoever about how their rights, privileges and dreams have been taken. 

Hard to talk in this mask doing 90!

There is quite a bit of tongue and cheek jokes, people getting mowed over with this wild rides.  Throughout the broadcast there are interruptions of which are blamed on the French.  Apparently they are also the reason the economy is in the toilet and the phone company is on the fritz.  Merde!  The effects are fairly decent, I love how every car is just as important as its driver and the total lack of empathy when a pedestrian is mauled and mutilated.   This is an underrated story but yes fellas there be titty as well.

70's TV Week: Starsky and Hutch

Back again kids and this time with a cop drama.  Yes plainclothes cops busting down on the street crime, taking flack from the captain and deals with their snitches.  So grab a cup of coffee, sweat out the prisoner in interrogation and get the goods.   This is Starsky and Hutch.

Little old lady 120 pts!

The spoilers are cutting us off at every turn!

Defending the good citizens of Bay City California, Detective Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson (David Soul of Here Comes The Bride, Magnum Force, Salem’s Lot, World War III, Through Naked Eyes, The Yellow Rose and Tides of War) and Detective Dave Starsky (Paul Michael Glaser of Fiddler on the Roof, The Streets of San Francisco, The Waltons and Third Watch) work together, fight side by side and have the general friendship among men that are friends and partners.   Getting their orders from their commanding officer, Captain Dobey (Bernie Hamilton of Tarzan, The Swimmer, Walk the Walk, The Name of the Game, Hammer and Scream Blacula Scream)    Keeping their fingers on the pulse of the city Starsky and Hutch regularly squeeze their contact Huggy Bear (Antonio Fargas of Busting, Conrack, Foxy Brown, Carwash, The Ambush Murders, Crimewave and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka).  Armed with their wits, A Colt .45 and .357 Colt Python as well as usually Starsky’s 1974’s Ford Gran Torino the men of call sign Zebra Three, these no nonsense policemen, get their hands dirty and get the job done.  Occasionally they take Hutch’s battered Ford Galaxie and man it looks like a tank.

Dig it...

For most of the word on the street the fellas hit The Pits, Huggy Bear’s bar and while Huggy is supposed to be a bit of a rebel he always helps them out and in my opinion a fairly positive role model.  This is the first prime time series to show supporting black characters in a positive light for a change.  Writer and creator William Blinn (Bonanza, Shane, Here Come the Brides, The Interns, Hunter and Eight Is Enough)

While most cop shows are a gamble based on ratings, likability and coherent writing.  While I don’t think this series was that violent I am sure there was someone losing their marbles over it.  During season 4 the retuning the series made Glaser want to take off.  They attempted to bring in a younger brother of Starsky as some need to keep the title of the show but season 5 was eventually scraped and they passed on it all together.  There were even talks of a spin-off starring Huggy Bear as the main character but it did not make it past a 90 page screen treatment.  

Nah, not a big Stephen King fan.

With growing up with the era of CHiPs and Hill Street Blues, this gave buddy cop a decent definition and a sense of comradely to likes which seems to be duplicated again and again.  This was a diverting show, simple enough writing but with solid characters.

While Bay City may be fictional, Los Angeles San Pedro was not and by God a great location teeming for car chases and good gunfights.   Interestingly enough San Pedro’s Metro Division was used is the San Pedro City Hall these days.

70's TV Week: Vega$

What’s shakin’ babies?  Day 2 of 1970’s TV shows and I thought we need to examine the private investigator standing.  The place is Sin City itself and the adventures, hijinks and cases of damsels in distress.  Maybe a femme fatale or maybe a conspiracy but above all else, there will be leisure suits.  So grab a martini, turn on that hi-fi and kick back.  This is Vega$.

That cat can croon!

Spoilers can be a drag, man…

The year is 1978 in Las Vegas Nevada.  One would think that being a shamus in this town would be moot point given how secrets have a tendency to get out on its own but like any town husbands and wives are suspect of cheating on each other, water’s wet and the sky is blue.  An age of debauchery, devil may care attitude could put you in quite the pickle so at 200 buckaroos a day P.I. Dan Tanna (Robert Urich of Magnum Force, S.W.A.T., Soap, Tabitha, Spencer for Hire and Lonesome Dove) is on the case.  Hell or high water, possibly a dishy dame or two might distract him but his assistant Binzer (Bart Braverman of 20 Million Miles to Earth, Alligator, Hit and Run, The New Odd Couple and Mowgli: The New Adventures of the Jungle Book) tries to help Tanna on the straight and narrow in the town full of gray areas.  

Of course I am too cool for letterbox. Why?

His mentor and reoccurring client Phillip “Slick” Roth (Tony Curtis of Some Like It Hot, The Sweet Smell of Success, The Defiant Ones, The Great Race, The Rat Race, Spartacus and Sex and the Single Girl) is the answer to Howard Hughes but less paranoia but dear God this man is too wealthy.  He flew a helicopter from one of his casinos over to the other.     Mind you Tanna has his eyes ever faithful to his lady friend Angie Turner (Judy Landers of Charlie’s Angels, B.J. and the Bear, Madame’s Place, The Love Boat and Stewardess School) a buxom blond that would turn a priest away from his vows.

 Now to keep in mind younger readers, you will be seeing buildings that Vegas ultimately decided to DESTROY!!!  That is I mean they felt this casinos were no longer of any use so if by chance you seen Dunes and are baffled well look to the leisure suits and disco belts and you will realize this is a timeline different from yours.   No you have not entered another dimension, you’re fine.   Writer/ Director/Producer Michael Mann (Starsky and Hutch, Crime Story, Miami Vice, Manhunter, and L.A. Takedown) cut his teeth under this project and started to develop his style of lighting, love of composure with dialogue and cut scenes.  With this project, the Miami Vice elements via episode blended so well that it translated to big film experiences such as: (Thief, Manhunter, Heat and Collateral).  

Who loves ya Tony?

 This has what you came to expect from a TV detective show; run ins with the cops,  fist fights via boxing, gunfights, car chases, car crashes, wooing the girl and getting bloody vindication sworn at him once a week.   Personally I would raise my rates to at least $500 a day but that’s just me.    Nice steady pace for a story arc to occur via the 1970’s as well.  I cannot help but agree.  Take your time and let the story envelop the audience.     Wisecracking, smart assed but built pretty boy with solid right hook, Dan Tanna does alright for himself but dear God do NOT let Binzer drive the T-bird man.   

Painkiller Jane: Heroine or Menace?

I've noticed more than a few valid complaints about how there are no really decent superheroine movies and I agreed.    Most are given skimpy outfits, one liners that would make Spidey groan and a love interest that is not merely farfetched but over exaggerated.   No real depth into a backstory or explanation on how they came to be.  Several characters have been overlooked.   Vampirella for example is a powerful, capable woman that happens to be a vampire with a great mental capacity and physical strength.  Granted her outfit looks like dental floss but nevertheless badass gal.   Dynamite Comics however has a character that essence was more or less captured on a Syfy Channel TV Movie. 

So make a munchie run, grab me a Mexi-Coke and let’s sit in.   This is Painkiller Jane.

Spoilers hurt so good…

The crux of the character is sound but her background and profession was altered.  So from being a hard hitting cop we alter Jane (Emmanuelle Vaugier of Saw II, House of the Dead 2, 40 Days and 40 Nights, Unearthed and Far Cry) into a Spec Ops Captain in charge of her unit: Painkiller.   What would be a major heroine processing and distribution center on intel turns out to be some sort of biological lab, patients are infected and soon Jane and her men too receive side-effects.  Desperate to vacate the Captain and men haul ass out only to run into about 20 men armed with Ak-47s and Hazmat suits.  Jane and her boys valiantly fight them but are cut to ribbons and left bleeding on the alley street.  The End…or is it?

5 days later Jane awakes in a military hospital, her wound dramatically healed leaving faint tissue scarring that should be the result of weeks of healing not days.   Her commanding officer Colonel Watts (Richard Roundtree of Shaft, Outlaws, Seven, Vegas Vampires, Desperate Housewives and Heroes) feels they need to do more testing for the fact she was the only one in her unit to come out alive.  Doctor Graham Knight (Tate Donovan of Love Potion No. 9, Partners, Hercules, Friends, The O.C. and Damages) establishes a rapport with Jane and gains her trust with his promise to fix whatever occurred.   Jane notices other aspects of herself beyond her healing such as: heighten state of awareness to her surroundings, dexterity, speed, strength, to process information at an accelerated level and analytical thinking on a scale that rivals gifted intelligence.    

While slightly reveling in her new found abilities, Jane also knows the military will use her as a weapon, escapes during a military transport to a safer location and without killing or even injuring her captors.  Doctor Knight may be the only man to help her but can anything be made to assist her?  Will she want to give up this new abilities and what of Timmy trapped in the well?

TV director Sanford Bookstaver (The Chronicle, Fastlane, The O.C., Bones, and House M.D.) tackles a comic book character devised by Joe Quesada (The Ray, Batman: Sword of Azrael, Daredevil and Ash) and Jimmy Palmiotti (Punisher, Ghost Rider, The Nam, Daredevil and Ash) and frankly as a fan of the comic itself I though Vaugier’s portrayal was spot on.   Tough as nails when the bullets start flying but emotional when the danger has subsided, trying to figure out her next move or if she in fact even has a next move.  Okay a lot of TV movies are hammier than Shatner’s  $h%* My Dad Says but overall my only complaint is the story moved too fast and didn’t allow for some real development but hell it was two hours so guessing a mini-series arc was the way to go.   Say now, isn’t there a Painkiller Jane series starring Kristanna Loken?   Hmm…I wonder.

Burn Notice Season 3...Boom.

With events of Season 2 almost wrapped up and his handlers meeting an untimely demise, is Michael finally clear from all the point and counterpoint of his mysterious higher ups???   Well...grab a seat, maybe some popcorn and a tasty beverage and try to not wince.   This is Burn Notice Season 3

Spoilers can be very disconcerning

Michael just finished a five mile swim to shore after leaping about 300 feet from a moving helicopter.  Seriously this man is in too good of shape.  Damn near exhausted he looks about the beach trying to get his bearings when he notices that local law enforcement is a might too keen on his person and proceed to apprehend him.   A daring foot chase comes to an end when at the end of the day; it would be easier to dodge questions rather than bullets.  

Sam visits him in the clink to offer a standing on his current situation.  Laymen’s terms he is now on the radar for anyone or any organization to find.  Management true to his word leaves him truly out in the cold.  Michael, Fiona and Sam rack their collective heads together to see how to clear Michael of impeding police issues, assist in rebuilding a rapport with his mom Madelyn as well as get Michael in good with the CIA.      As always should he or any of his team members get shot up in the crossfire of espionage, well the Alphabet companies won’t care about a burnt spy, a boozehound former Navy SEAL or a former IRA terrorist.

Fiona and Michael are attempting to formulate something of a normal life but Michael is hell bent to solve the mystery of his former CIA contact’s murder.  A nasty piece of work by the name of Gilroy (Chris Vance of Prison Break, Mental, Dexter, Rizzoli & Isles and Transporter), a blood thirsty hooligan with a penchant for explosives, high velocity sniper rifles and being a prig decides Michael may not be the boy scout his reputation made him and wants to go into business together for a gig.   Naturally Gilroy is cautious and paranoid, so he keeps the details close to the vest.   Michael realizes as bad news as Gilroy is, that he will pull this job off with someone else if Michael refuses.   Michael goes into business with Gilroy if only to sabotage his efforts, inform the authorities and take him down.  Sam and Fi’s constant pleading for Michael to walk away from Gilroy and dump it in the laps of the people paid to stop psychos like this is being ignored.  Without any true hard evidence Michael knows officials won’t listen to him and it is all up to him to see that Gilroy’s contract of devastation is null and void.   Sheesh, bit corny there for a second folks.  Sorry about that. 

 Local police force and FBI are convinced Michael may have gone rogue and is actually the threat his burn notice claims him to be.   Can Michael and crew win the day, save the country and still get the trip to Maui?  Tune in and find out!

Night Man: Man of...well night mostly.

Hey kiddies, thought I would drop by with another TV series review. Yeah, I was feeling up for it.   So grab a seat, a refreshing soda and kick back.  This is Night Man.

Spoilers have secret identities too…

Ill-fated comic book company Malibu Comics creates a realm known as the Ultraverse; a land with heroes and heroines of science and magic alike.  Mutants and super powered beings roam this world until Marvel Comics bought them out in 1994.  The idea was to capitalize on this new bastion of characters and incorporate them into the existing Marvel Comics universe.   But hey who gives a crap about that?! 

Today we are talking about Glen Larson’s (creator of Magnum P.I., Knight Rider, Quincy, M.E., The Fall Guy and Manimal) adaptation of Night Man made for two seasons.  Loosely based on the comic book character, Johnny Domino, an accomplished saxophone player and former martial arts instructor is struck by a lightning bolt in a freak accident involving a cable-car and attempted political assassination.  Johnny (Matt McColm of Night of the Warrior, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., The Protector, Space Cowboys, Baywatch and The Matrix Reloaded) discovers after this bizarre trauma that he is telepathically able to recognize evil.  After being released from the hospital and an attempt on his life he encounters Rollie Jordan (Derek Webster of Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, Mental and Damages)a brilliant engineer who is of four men that created high tech body armor and weapons for the Department of Defense only to have their project gutted due to budget cuts.  Wanting to hold onto their jobs and reputations, they decide to move the armor into law enforcement only to find out the prototypes are being auctioned off to foreign powers and possibly terrorist cells.   With the aid of his father Frank (Earl Holliman of Forbidden Planet, Police Woman, Hotel de Paree and The Wide Country) former Bay City officer the trio tries to intercept the bad guys and rein in the cops for assistance.  

  Johnny feels the cops won’t arrive into time and uses the prototype armor which consists of: a poly-weave Kevlar and Nomex hybrid, an anti-gravity flying belt, a holographic woven cloak that allows him to be rendered invisible, an optical lens that sees every spectrum of light and doubles as an offensive laser beam.

Okay the storyline is a bit hokey, the cops are a trifle inept and frankly the fact that Johnny manages to keep his identity secret at all is something of a miracle.  The concept of a vigilante striking out on crime by his or her lonesome is not an original story but that jazzy saxophone intro you will NOT get out of your head.  This show is a bit of a guilty pleasure and yes for the haters I shall hang my head down for this.   Similar to the Flash’s production, this show had potential to continue fairly well but alas the dreaded Nielsen ratings felt this show was not up to snuff and after only two seasons it went away like a puff of smoke.  This rating board also thinks such shows as Road Rules and Jersey Shore are worth your time so keep that in mind and hey at least check out the pilot if you are interested.

Blade Trinity: Drac is Back...

Hey kids back again with another comic book movie and I can tell how much you will be thrilled and overwhelmed with joy as I crack open the shell of this flick.  So grab your silver nitrate and garlic and practice your most menacing glare.  This is Blade Trinity.

Spoilers are born ready, mother*&ker!

Yes I am touching base with creation of writer/director/producer David Goyer (Batman Begins, Blade, Blade II, The Dark Knight, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance and The Dark Knight Rises) who felt while by Stephen Norrington (Alien 3, Blade and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) and Guillermo del Toro (Kronos, Devil’s Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army) did what he described as a fair job with his scripts, Goyer felt that something was missing from each of the predecessors and took it upon himself to finish the trilogy.   I am not saying the outcome is pure Ed Wood but…well here are some highlights.

Keeping with the comic book anti-hero theme based on Marv Wolfman’s character, Blade is up to his usual shenanigans i.e. lack of stealth.   Guy would not know subtle if it crept up on him and bit him in the ass.  Our story opens in the Syrian Desert allegedly just before Iraq lies the Tomb of Dracula (Boy that would make a great title for a comic) and about 5 low level vamps unearth him and convince him to do away Blade (Wesley Snipes of Passenger 57, Demolition Man, Blade, Blade II, and The Art of War) who half way around the world is torching a warehouse, laying to waste the undead and sneering all the way he does it.  Man I do dig the coat though.  This of course leads to a high speed chase in what looks like the FDR tunnel but in actuality are the tunnels of Montreal.  Yes Canada, imitating the U.S. since 1920 Prohibition.  From bikes to the ’68 Charger our beloved daywalker streaks the road with ash ridden corpses and one accidental human death as he realizes he was framed for manslaughter.   Whoops, his goof.  Sending the F.B.I. to his doorstep Blade and Whistler are attacked and Whistler (Kris Kristofferson of Convoy, A Star is Born, Knights, Blade and Blade II)is caught in his own self destruct blast leaving Blade captured by the feds.   Left to the vampires pulling the strings behind the humans, Blade looks finished but is in fact saved by a cell of vampire hunters, Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds of Van Wilder, Foolproof, Smokin’ Aces and X-Men Origins: Wolverine) and Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel of Seventh Heaven, Summer Catch, Celluar, Stealth, and The A-Team). 

 Dracula a.k.a. Drake (Dominic Purcell of Mission: Impossible II, Equilibrium and Prison Break) decides his children of the night got soft, lazy and foolish and decides to embrace the challenge that is the daywalker.  Goyer establishes Dracula as the Adam of Vampires the very source but goes back to the Babylonian timelines linking him to Lovercraft elder gods such as Dagon.   An interesting spin but nevertheless the hardcore Marvel fans have issues with this one more so than the first two and here are some of those reasons:  Hannibal King in the comics was an undead P.I.  Think Mick St. John from Moonlight.  Yes, a vampire trying to hold onto humanity by still beating the pavement playing shamus without relying on vampire traits too much.   Tomb of Dracula issues also state Dracula was Vlad Tempus made vampire and not the progenitor but because he held the title “Lord of the Vampires” from his predecessor he can shape shift, come back from ash and even tango with ease.   While I felt Reynold’s one liners were getting a bit tiresome and Snipes really needed to smile every now and then it wasn’t a bad flick.  Just think it could have used a bit more meshing from the previous source material.

Vampires Vs Zombies...??!!

Now I look at this title and envision hordes of both popular undead battling it out for the human tidbits.  A battle royale to the well…death I suppose and frankly that sounded interesting to me.  A sort of Underworld feels with not fur just fangs and claws.  Instead I get this.  Ho boy.   So stock up on ammo, MREs and water from your secured undisclosed bunker.   This is Vampires Vs Zombies.

So let’s start off with the few alternative titles to this flick and you will get an idea how long it took me to find it.  You have Carmilla, Carmilla the Lesbian Vampire and last but certainly not least Vampires Vs Zombies.    Netflix and Blockbuster bother were confused as hell to what I was requesting but finally I got a copy and proceeded to view this blight of Cinema.

Warning! Danger! Danger!  The following will invoke spoilers to the film in question as well as cast and director and writer.

So we open our flick with Jenna (Bonny Giroux not Jenna Jameson you pervs) who is having a disturbing or quite possibly erotic dream of an ample bosomed brunette feeding on her.  Then she blew my frickin eardrums with her Linnea Quigley scream startled from her terrifying dream. Her father Travis (C.S. Munro of Corpse-O-Rama) was also startled via car ride, has about 20 seconds of dialogue with her to establish to the audience that is now deaf that she is having this reoccurring dream.  It is at this point I would also like to point out I recognize one member of the cast (Brink Stevens of Zombiegeddon, Birth Rite and Cheerleader Massacre) and she is hardly even in it so you can just wager how delightful this flick was.   The term shaky cam comes to mind.  Apparently no one bothered to explain weight ratios and balance to this fine film crew.  Sheesh a unipod or tripod would have been nice but no that was not in the budget I gathered.  Better to use the town epileptic, give him a pot of coffee and a camera.  Our fearless director /writer Vince D’Amato is responsible for such flicks as the fore mentioned Corpse-O-Rama, Human Nature and Hell Hath No Fury and we shall not go into those movies for I do not keep a puke bucket by my desk. 

  Getting back to our film; this movie is very loosely based on the talented writer Sheridan Le Fanu that wrote the 1872 classic novel Carmilla and sadly it is about the closest any of the existing film makers have gotten close to.  Well I loved the Hammer films so I cannot discredit the Vampyre Lovers with Ingrid Pitt but that is neither here nor there.   To the best of my understanding of this 70 minute acid trip this is a series of chapters versus being a full film?  While it is an interesting premise it is also utterly confusing to the causal moviegoer.   The deliveries of lines from the actors seem so off base or unnatural.  The inflection of their performance feels forced and completely out of context but hell what do you expect for an under budgeted half-assed indie film with no real direction of a plot but a blatant excuse for a lesbian sex scene that looked so staged it couldn’t stimulate the dead.   I suppose the gore scenes were fairly graphic with the sub-plot of vampires and zombies duking it out but honestly I am left wondering how the title of the movie became the secondary plot.

  This was not titled, ”Carmilla Gets the Girl” so what the hell is going on?   Don’t get me wrong.  This was not Zombi 3 where there was 3 directors throwing their hat in the circle but dear God it needed some cohesive editing man.   I was struggling by the 40 minute mark like Apollo Creed hanging on the ropes in Rocky II.  Bottom line kid; if you are just hoping for some awkward preternatural lesbian sex with a defunct storyline then this is your movie.  If however you wish to hold on to a shred of dignity I have a few vamp films of this particular genre that would at least resemble a storytelling.