Ridley Scott Week: Blade Runner

The Ridley Scott week chugs on through with what I believe to this date still are an amazing hybrid of Film Noir and Cyberpunk standings.  A utopia for some and desuetude for others, the colonization of the other worlds of our solar system and the problems back home.    So get a packet of Twizzlers, maybe some nachos and an oversized drink (Take that New York!) and settle in a nice easy chair.  This is Blade Runner.

I’ve seen spoilers in glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate…

In 1982 capturing the writing of critically acclaimed science fiction writer Phillip K. Dick’s story Do Androids Dream of Electronic Sheep, a notion that machine could never be as emotional as man, have a series of moral decisions that were taught nor could they develop ideas of their own came writers Hampton Fancher (Of Men and Women, Survival, Police Story and The Other Side of the Mountain) and David Webb Peoples (Ladyhawke, Unforgiven, Hero, Twelve Monkeys and Solider) adapted the novel of question and create a world of robotics, human angst and distrust of corporation.   While this being truly a product of the 1980’s trend this film will stand the test of time due to this solid writing not relying solely on the day’s lingo, attitude, strives and failures.   

Our story unfolds with a credits sequence explaining the dangers of a of androids called Replicants that have a tendency to feel like nothing more than slaves to their human masters.  Being 3 times as strong, fast and intelligent they rebelled and were deemed faulty for such.  Earth passes a law creating a separate police force to contain, detain and execute them.  They are the Blade Runners.   During a routine background on a sanitation worker named Leon (Brion James of 48 Hours, Nemesis, Time Runner, Tango and Cash, The Dark and The Player) from a detective Holden (Morgan Paull of Patton, Norma Rae and Fade to Black) and the interview ends with Holden being put in the hospital and cut to Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford of Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Patriot Games, Regarding Henry and Cowboys and Aliens) having his sushi only to be interrupted by a detective Gaff (Edward James Olmos of Miami Vice, Stand and Deliever,Roosters, Mirage, 500 Nations and Battlestar Galatica) and leads him back to his former Lieutenant Bryant (Veteran character actor M. Emmet Walsh of Blood Simple, Critters, The Flash, A Time to Kill, Albino Alligator and Retroactive) an old fashioned cop in the worst way telling Deckard he needs to come out of retirement because he is the best Blade Runner that ever was to take out 4 of the Nexus 6 Replicants, a few combat models and pleasure droid.   Reluctantly Deckard is back in harness and on the case.   Stopping at the Tyrell Corporation, the creators of Replicants he does a pre-cursory examination and fact finding check with the head honcho Dr. Eldon Tyrell (Joe Turkel of The Killing, Path to Glory, The Shining, The Commitment and Miami Vice) to get some insight to the mind of the Nexus 6 series.   A computer program reliable to detect human from replicant is administered to Dr. Tyrell’s assistant Rachel (Sean Young of Stripes, No Way Out, Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Fatal Instinct and Mirage) to verify a positive before a negative as the doctor says.

The tinny and melodic number of this film captures the essence of the film.  The overall mood and life of it comes from the narrative of Ford’s character like a shamus of old telling the tale through his eyes and once again Scott develops the film with the mood lighting, smoke ridden sets and suffocating amounts of humanity representing overcrowding, the need for colonization to expand the human race elsewhere due to the Earth filling up with people.  Most animals are artificial and real ones are deemed a luxury item for only the well do to or wealthy.

During this time the replicants’ leader Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer of Nighthawks,  LadyHawke, The Hitcher, Wanted: Dead or Alive, Blind Fury, Past Midnight, Split Second, Salem’s Lot and Batman Begins) is attempting to gain access to Tyrell as well for a longer life span than the allotted four year lifespan.  He is the true survivor of this crew.  The epitome of Nietzsche with a smattering of Descartes, the others will follow him into the gates of Hell itself because this being made know a way through. Through numerous re-releases the 2007 director’s cut adds additional footage that was cut out due to it being too lengthy but I personally enjoy the theatrical release for its purity in it was the first version I saw.

   So if you are watching this film for the 50^th time or the first time, just let it wash over you in whatever version you see.

Ridley Scott Week: The Duellists

Our Ridley Scott week continues on with of all things a time period piece.  Yeah talk about out of his realm.  That alone should be worth the view am I right?  Get yourself some popcorn and a soft drink and let’s settle down.  This is The Duellists.

Engarde spoilers!!

Director Ridley Scott is better known for science fiction or action based films this really was a rare treat for him to tackle a foreign war tale of notoriety by novelist and script writer Joseph Conrad (Sabotage, Victory, Outcast of the Islands, Face to Face, The Secret Agent and Apocalypse Now) scrolls the story during the Napoleonic Age, this feature length film was Ridley Scott’s first movie he helmed.

This film feels influenced by Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon in both style and cinematography brings a tale of hatred, angst and jealousy through a war torn time.   Based on the short story The Duel ; the story opens in Strasbourg in 1800 with Lieutenant Gabriel Feraud of the 7^th Hussars (Harvey Keitel of Reservoir Dogs, Dusk ‘Til Dawn, Pulp Fiction, Bad Lieutenant, Thelma & Louise, The Piano, Red Dragon and National Treasure) , an obsessed duelist nearly kills a nephew of the city’s mayor in a duel.  Getting squeezed politically by the mayor, Brigadier-General Treillard  (Robert Stephens of Romeo and Juliet, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes and Empire of the Sun) sends Lieutenant Armand d’Hubert of the 3^rd Hussars (Keith Carradine ofNashville, Southern Comfort, 2 Days in the Valley, Dead Man’s Walk, Wild Bill, Deadwood and Dexter) to put him under house arrest pending charges. 

The arrest of course took place at the house of a very prominent local lady and Feraud took this as an insult from d’Hubert and challenges him to a duel.   d’ Hubert manages to render him unconscious.  The war rages on around the men’s quarrel and they don’t encounter each other for six months in Augsburg,  Feraud  demands another duel of d’Hubert and wounds him severely.   Feraud recovers and takes lesson from a true swords master, making their next duel exhausting and a draw.   d’Hubert takes comfort in being promoted to Captain and thus forbidding him engage in further duels with an officer of different ranks.    1806 we see that d’Hubert two weeks from promotion to major when he once again encounters Feraud and the duel is now on horseback as each executes blades drawn exquisitely.

What makes this film so fascinating is this point of struggle during the Hundred Days war, the defeat at Waterloo and marking the 30 Years war as nothing more than background.  It shows how the country is suffering and you almost feel the absurdity of the obsessive need for dueling during a time when there should be unification.  It was a clever backdrop and truly captures the time and essence of this piece and I feel it was beautifully executed.   This is but the beginning for our humble director and I feel makes up for Prometheus.

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Howdy folks I am back with yet another mindless violence ensuing creation of SyFy.  From catfights instigating from the malls of the 80's to saving the Everglades Debbie Gibson and Tiffany star in what can be described as less than terrifying creation that will be coated in more cheese than a tuna melt.  So sit back, take yer shoes off and sit a spell.  This is Mega Python vs Gatoroid.

Spoilers on roids!!!!




Former mallrats, pop singers to modern day actresses Debbie Gibson and Tiffany join up with SyFy Channel to create this festering turd of a movie of epic cheesiness.  Animal activist Dr. Nikki Riley(Gibson) broke into what I swear is the same fricking compound from Komodo vs Cobra and Dinocroc vs Supergator to release these series of CGI pythons and release them into the wild of the glades.  Unbeknownst to her, the pythons are killing off the local gator population and Dr. Terry O' Hara (Tiffany) retaliates with injecting hyper-steroids into chickens for the gators and inducing a massive increase in population.   These two ladies have more issues than Marvel and DC Comics could muster in 75 years.  While Riley stages protests and demonstrations, O'Hara is trying to keep hunters at bay, muster support for the cause of saving reptiles and manage to be a Spring bride ready for the aisle her hands are full.

 So whilst the two aging popstars embark in a continuous cat fight of ridiculous porportions the reptiles are massing and prepping to fight one another and planning to munch down on anyone associated in this conservation ball hosted by Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees to better spend money of a standing we as humans should have been doing anyway.   Yes, that's right; Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees.   Nothing but the finest for my readers.

Not unlike the Tremors quadilogy, this insanity proves to borderline on the absurd at the mass of height of 50 feet and have to be the width of a Winnebago the Pythons are tearing ass all over "Florida" i.e. California trashing helicopters, car dealer lots and gas stations.  Thankfully most of the populous is nowhere near this region.   Well the people that matter anyway.  Redneck of the region demand to go on a snake hunt and start blasting away in every direction that a snake isn't and guzzles more beer than a Fourth of July party.  As our heroes encounter Dr. Diego Ortiz (A. Martinez of BJ and the Bear, Remington Steele, L.A. Law and Profiler) tries desperately to warn O' Hara the inherent dangers to the ecology as both gators and pythons wreak merry merry havoc on the party goers as they flee to safety.  The lot must release a series of pheromones to attract said creatures to the "Glades"...that is clearly shot outside of L.A.     Yeah I am not kidding a lot of the shots are on the I-9.  For the California fans they will immediately realize they are not shooting in the glades.  My own father had the best chuckle watching the folks driving for their life.  The CGI and green screen is laughable, the handheld looks like they were handed off to Uwe Boll's epileptic camera crew and frankly do not go looking for stellar acting in this lot because you will be gravely disappointed.  

At best this follows the standing on cheesy movie night and go no further.  A pedestal it shall not climb. 

Carpenter Week: Prince of Darkness

Hey kiddies!  Back again with a creep factor of about 6 with our next Carpenter flick and boy o boy it is a doozy.   Wouldn’t you know it that this all happened because of grad students, scientists and their pesky priest?   Grab some popcorn, invite some friends and dare to look away.   This is Prince of Darkness.

Spoilers walk the Earth!!!

A priest (Donald Pleasence of The Great Escape, You Only Live Twice, Buried Alive, Escape From New York, Halloween 1,2,4,5, and 6) doesn’t go into a bar but actually conducts a lecture with a gathering of students and renown Professor Howard Birack (Victor Wong of Dim Sum: A Little Bit of Heart, Year of the Dragon, Big Trouble in Little China, The Golden Child, The Last Emperor and Bloodsport) meet together in the basement of a disused church in Los Angeles.   The priest requires and humbly requests their expertise investigating a mysterious cylinder contain a swirling green liquid.  The metaphysics student Brian Marsh (Jameson Parker of Callie and Son, Simon &Simon, The Legend of Prince Valiant, Have You Seen My Son, Something Borrowed, Something Blue and JAG) feels confident that they will crack the case of the cylinder of potential doom.  Careful research of the text with the cylinder translates to the essence of the Anti-Christ.  Yeah damnation in a bottle and I though Axe was bad.   So of course we cannot pack it up there and split, no our team has to conduct a variant of experiments to see if we can quantify evil.  

Over a period of two days, small spurts of the liquid manage to escape the cylinder and start possessing the students one at a time trying to wipe out everything in its path.   The survivors are barracked in the church and an army of hobos also possessed are looking for any potential escapees.   So let’s bunk down into the deconsecrated church and hope for the best.   Each survivor shares a recurring dream, a message from the future if you will, explaining the world’s end in from the far away time of 1999.

As this lunacy is being deciphered, student Kelly is absorbed by the remaining liquid and creating the Anti-Christ.  A hideous, maimed figure that seems to regenerate any damage inflicted by human and also has a high concentration of telekinesis and brother she is ticked off.     The Anti-God demands to be brought into the mortal world and that’s what Anti-Christ Kelly is all about via second act.   Can our haphazard scientists, students and priest stop the madness that will engulf the world or will they be too late?

With the capable hands of FX gurus Mark Shostrom (The Boys Next Door, From Beyond, Evil Dead II, Phantasm II, Dick Tracy and Star Trek: Generations) and Kevin Quibell (Starman, The Running Man, Black Rain, Speed, Twister and Hard Rain) the creature FX, Visual and prosthetics look believable, eerie and downright nasty.  Anti-Christ Kelly about made me want to run fleeing for the hills or possibly skip lunch.    Proof is in the pudding as they say and thus far Carpenter proves he can do scary, gore, humor and a bit of sci-fi.  Have a happy folks and keep the lights on for this one while you watch it.

Hellboy...don't tell me you never heard of it?

What is it that makes a man a man? Is it his origins, the way things start…Or is it something else, something harder to describe?   Hey folks I thought this would be a good kick start to Guillermo del Toro week if we tackled a film a great deal of us know, like or dislike, love or loathe.  Now without further adieu…This is Hellboy.

Skip to the part where I can kill a spoiler

In 1993, San Diego Comic Con’s second titled comic was released by comic artist/writer Mike Mignola (Wolverine, Daredevil, Power Man and& Iron Fist) Hellboy was a monster, a demon that championed on the side of good and taught Christian morals. Hellboy was contracted by Dark Horse Comics in 1994 and is a title to this day.   Mignola stated in a interview for the movie he got tired of drawing men and women in tights, panel after panel and really like making monsters instead. So why not make a monster a hero?

Collaborating with writer Peter Briggs, del Toro and he start hammering through the pages of Mignola’s Red Right Hand of Doom story arc and place a father/son relationship that Hellboy and Professor Broom did not have in the comics.   That being said, let’s get to fun!   In 1944 on the shores of some remote ruins in Scotland a natural connection of ley lines, the Nazis are attempting to cross a dimensional gate to a realm uncharted by sane men.   From a substantial gunfight between US forces of the newly founded Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense and the Nazis, Russian scientist, paranormal expert Grigori Rasputin (Karel Roden of Blade II, Bulletproof Monk, The Bourne Supremacy and The Abandoned) delves in a realm where angels dare not tread and is sucked through the portal, all seems well but Professor Broom points out that portal worked both ways and was open long enough for something else to have gotten through.    A search of the premises comes up with a small ape like child, red as a fire engine and a right hand composed of stone.   Cut to 2004 and young FBI agent John Myers (Rupert Evans of Sons & Lovers, Fingersmith, Emma and This is David Conrad) entering the world of the BPRD and informed there is much more going on this little blue green planet by Professor “Broom” Bruttenholm (John Hurt of Alien, History of the World: Part I, The Hit, 1984,Beyond the Gates and V for Vendetta).  A brief introduction with the aquatic Abe Sapien (Doug Jones of The Time Machine, Men in Black II, Adaptation, Doom and Pan’s Labyrinth) a vault about 8 inches thick is open to reveal the man or demon of the hour, Hellboy (Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast, The Magnificent Seven, Crime and Punishment, Cronos, Blade II and Star Trek: Nemesis)   

A few issues being in the BPRD, if you do not really have an area of expertise and just a grunt with a gun you have the live span expectancy of a red shirt.   You are on Hellboy’s team and we never heard of you?  Bye bye cannon fodder.   This film with its crane shot, hand held and a fair amount of dolly track with anamorphic scope gives you that chestnut of being there in the action without a fraction of the collateral damage.  An enjoyable monster flick, you can show to the kids and they will thank you for it.

The Quick and the Undead..

OoOo Sam Raimi’s camera work, Sharon Stone and Gene Hackman squaring off with an amazing ensemble cast…er…wait that’s The Quick and the Dead.   Crap.   Oh well, slap leather and draw boys and girls this is The Quick and the Undead.

Spoilers have to shot in the head! 

As we break into our zombie subgenre movie let me be clear.  This is a post-apocalyptic zombie western.  Yeah wrap your brain around that for a few minutes.  85 years after 2006 I guess we had a viral plague swept the lands turning ¾ of the populous into zombies?  The remaining few are mostly contracted bounty hunters dealing with zombies from town to town.  Opening scene is a bit of narrative and limited hammy news reports describing the outbreak.  The government is barely held together with baling wire and spit.  Terrorist factions are claiming for the outbreak.  CDC warning establishes to kill your loved ones with head trauma and burn the body.    This gig looks pretty simple.  Chum the streets, the smell will bring the zombies out, wait in an open area with a lot of ammo, clear head and steady hands. Blam blam blam, job’s done.   Re-establishing Romero’s standing that zombies are flesh eaters, that this is not a difficult prey.  Slow moving and dull witted, they are not MENSA material.   The best of the best bounty hunters (Yeah we can cue that music later if you like) Ryn Baskin (Clint Glenn of Castle, The Flesh Keeper and Battle Force) channels Eastwood’s character from A Fistful of Dollars down to the look, squint and mannerisms.   Hell he even smokes cheroots.  Very much a homage, if you will.  Everything about this movie has a Sergio Leone feel to it.  The wide camera angles, the crane shots and the handheld are superb.  Now the zombie gore effects are no Savini or KNB but pretty effective as a whole.  Admittedly some of the head shots are clearly a combination of high speed cam and CGI touch up but not bad.  After a rather successful hunt of 29 zombies Ryn encounters his former posse led by Blythe Remington (Parrish Randall of the Flesh Keeper, Dark Spaces and Dead of the Knight).  The two have an Indy/Belloq moment for the idol right down to the dialogue.   Shh.  Just pretend you didn’t notice.  Blythe’s crew rips Ryn off and leaves him for dead.  Establishing that humanity is not looking out for one another YET again, the desolate feel of being human in this zombie world makes one feel alone.  

Okay that was a bit too thought provoking.  Let’s go to the hunters’ rules.  (1) Fresh ones die first.  Their muscle tissue is still intact and they can move quicker.  Take the rotting ones later. (2) Always be out in the open.  Distance and a steady aim will drop them but if they outnumber you, run away. (3) Do not run inside and hide.  Eventually your supplies will run out and you need food.  Zombie has no other means of food so it can wait.  Doesn’t need sleep, to pee or get distracted by a shiny object.  Being primarily on the editorial department, Director/Writer Gerald Nott takes his first stab behind the camera with The Quick and the Undead.  This is a bit dialogue driven and a fair amount of action sequences with just that dash of jump scares to be found in a zombie film.  Humanity’s greed overweighing common sense, proof we don’t need the zombies to do us in.  Little bit of Day of the Dead lines adapted for the screenplay but hey I can overlook it.  No Captain Rhodes in this lot lemme tell you.  So if you are looking for Plains Drifter meets Dawn of The Dead than look no further.  Decent camera work, actors actually attempting their own and the storyline is tangible.   I found myself going into this one with no hopes and all and was pleasantly surprised.

Shark Night 3D....yes really.

Ah a festive outing at the salt water lake with a gaggle of teens in search of beer, good times and the possibility of getting laid.  What could ever go wrong you ask?   Well journey with us to Shark Night in 3D.  The director of this opus is none other than David R Ellis.  The man that brought you Final Designation 2, Cellular and Snakes on a Plane.  Oh yes kiddies fasten your safety belts because the non-stop bumpy ride will drift you into unconsciousness.  We have our typical mock up of Jaws murder scene started right away, offering us the notion of a fast sped paced action but in the worlds of the Immortal John Belushi  “BUT NOoOoOOoOOO!!!”   We have to establish dialogue, characters and of course many a dark past.   45 minutes into the movie and you are praying for the sharks to eat you simply out of boredom.  Our illustrious teen gang came across the local yokels after acquiring the liquor and snacks and yes they are the stereotypical characters of hate, racism and spite with just a hint of sorrow to round them out.  Donal Logue of Blade, Ghost Rider and Grounded for Life and Joel David Moore of Bones and Hatchet are the only two actors I recognize so already I know I am in for it.

The dialogue was written up over a drunken weekend.  Our vile villains are so hokey they would be rejected from a comic book and our protagonist is more wooden than the desk I am writing this review on.  The CGI/3D effects are quite often but they are relying on the jump scare cuts to carry the weight of the movie.   Not every horror film can pull off the jump scare effect but of the last 7 years plenty of horror films such as: Saw, Hostel and remakes like the Hills Have Eyes rely on the jump scare cut.  Somehow in this substantial salt water lake a menagerie of sharks of different size and specie has materialized in the area and no one is the wiser to such. 

 With their boat destroyed and a member graphically injured the gang decides they should trust the yokels to get them to safety and a life flight for their maimed buddy.    What a surprise with the yokels they previously squabbled with turn out to be asses and psychos on top of which.  Losing the cast one by one it was my reaction that no one in the audience cared.  I think they were all in silent pray that none of their friends caught them viewing it and they could escape said film with a modicum of dignity intact.

 The plot was weak to say the least.  Characters were so stereotypical and one dimensional no one could be bothered to wonder if they would grow as young adults.  The CGI/3D was slowly hurting this photophobic fellow’s head and I cannot believe there was that much need for Indie band music to combine with NO action at all.  Blaring tunes as we reasonably drive through town at a safe speed!   What the hell?    The other aspect that annoyed I personally was they quarter cranked the film speed and then reversed the effect to go speeding through the town and highway.  I was under the impression when editors and directors did this was similar to an action hero training montage.  Cover emotion and physicality in a short span of time and move on to the next standing.   Not this film, no sir.

  This particular move was done 3 times in the film and I guess it was to drive any epileptic out of the theater or drop them straight into a comatose state.    It makes the 20 minutes of Ben boarding up the windows in Night of the Living Dead feel positively Shakespearean.

Long story  short(Too late) if you need a very slow paced monster movie with less than believable sharks and villains then you have found your Utopia and if in fact you are just looking for complex storylines, meaningful dialogue as well as flushed out characters, tread not these waters me lads and lassies.   There be crap in it and Davy Jones locker is all out of Tidy bowl.

Toxic Zombies..or Why Some Should not star and direct.

Well it wouldn’t be a zombie film a bit of gore and cheesy comments but this one takes the cake on music steals, bad dubbing, and yes even sound effects’ timing is off.  So grab your bug out bag, machete and solid rifle.  This is Toxic Zombies.

Spoilers can only be destroyed if you get the brain.

Charles McCrann is our writer/director/lead actor brings us the depths of this utter hell that this film is.  Violence with no real explanation nor any real attempt at character development and all back stories consists of people babbling about events we have not seen or these people should not yet have knowledge of.  Citizen Kane this is not.  Hell I wouldn’t even give it Citizen Toxie.   With a cast of no one I could recognize other than John Amplas (of Martin, Day of the Dead, Creepshow and No Pets) and he is not even a lead part.  He remains in the shadows of obscurity.  To start us on this journey; pot growers are using government land to score 2 million big ones in grass and have no qualms about killing officials to keep their crops.   We open this film up with what I thought was two hunters with rifles.  I mean commonly you see two guys decked out in flannel and hiking boots you would come to that conclusion too.  Cut to a topless bathing scene?  Well of course there’s one.  We are two minutes and forty seconds into this flick we got to keep the male audience or their attention span might wander.  So we get spliced cut shots of hunters and back to topless sudsy goodness.   After a quick dress she is informed the two hairballs with rifles are federal officers, she tries to bail and they shot her in the back…well the back of the neck according to her cheesy flesh wound.   No sooner have these crack officials realized they shoot a woman, that by the way was their only concern.  Not that they just shot an unarmed person but the fact she happened to be female.  Stay classy, movie.   Two hippies do in the officials and the frigging knifing sound effect is about a second and a half off from the strikes.  Yeah this is not exactly quality entertainment.   

Establishing from Commander Exposition and Junior Plot Point; two other officials realize the only way to tend to this problem is to release an untested chemical on the government land and thus destroying the pot.   With the help of a drunken sot of a pilot the chemicals are released and the hippies turn more yellow than a colony of vegans.   Suddenly more violent tendencies are occurring in the hippies and they proceed to do away with anyone that is not as messed up as they.

Our hero/writer/director acts his way into the paper bag and cannot leave there as he and his wife’s passionate lovemaking turns night to day and vice versa with fade scenes.  Random campers and their children are not safe in these insane making woods as they are laid siege upon. 

Now let us step back and observe for a second.  These zombie like folk are wielding hand weapons, rocks and even mastered fire for torches again and all without the aid of Dr. Rickles from Day of the Dead teaching them, so not exactly certain how to describe this lot, other than all messed up.   Most of the music for this flick has been lifted from Day of the Dead, a sped up version of Halloween, Dawn of the Dead and a mutilated version of Jaws as well.   I am not certain but I can manage some disgruntlement.  Go enjoy your evening outside or sit in with a book.

Gem of the Month- Sundown: Vampire in Retreat

What do you get when you combine vampires, substitute for blood and Utah?   Well here’s a hint: Not True Blood.   No, this is Sundown: Vampire in Retreat by Director Anthony Hickox (Waxwork, Waxwork II and Warlock the Armageddon) and written by John Burgess.  Deep in the heart of…okay not Dixie but Utah exist a town called Purgatory.  A town filled with incredibly pale people that are covered from the sunshine with parasols and large brimmed hats.   This town of vampires has rejected the ways of the night and preying on the innocent is lead by master vampire Count Mardulak (John Carradine of Kung-Fu).  The town has a processing plant that is making an artificial blood to curb the need to feed but it breaks down and only one man can repair or refurbish parts for it.  Enter the Harrison Family.  John (Jim Metzler L.A. Confidential and Bad City Blues) brings wife Sarah (Morgan Brittany of Love Boat and Dallas) and their two kids to this remote and isolated town where neither of them is the wiser to this odd little bit of Americana.   Seriously they are so thick you could clock them in the coconut and it might not register until a day or two later.  On the trail of Count Mardulak is fearless vampire hunter Robert Van Helsing (Bruce Campbell of Evil Dead, Spiderman and Burn Notice) determined to end the evil that is a bloodsucker only to be smitten by lovely vampire Sandy (Deborah Foreman of Valley Girl and Waxwork) John’s former rival for Sarah’s affection Shane (Maxwell Caulfield of Waxwork II and Empire Records) who happens to be the town’s chief engineer but he needs John’s expertise.

  

  The Harrisons’ little girls note the townsfolk seem a bit different and are clued in that there are two factions of vampires.  One attempting to repent and the other is return to the old ways.   The Count attempts to maintain the peace while his right hand man Ethan Jefferson (John Ireland of Gunslinger and Waxwork II) tells vampires that they have nothing to feel guilty about and they should revel in their powers.   How does one solve those differences?  Why with a shoot out of course.   This film combines comedy, horror and western all in one unusual package.   My favorite thing about this film is the three brothers Milt (Bert Remsen of The Bodyguard and McCabe and Mrs. Miller) Merle (Sunshine Parker of Tremors  and Roadhouse) Mort (M Emmet Walsh of The Flash, Bladerunner and Chasing 3000) Bisby.  They all run this tiny gas station and look like they are just a gnat’s wing flap away from brutalizing humans.  Mort knocks the head off of this coked up jackass for being rude and abusive.   The two campers were really unnecessary characters as a whole.

Admittedly the film did seem like there was filler thrown in and John Carradine’s performance did seem a little off (methinks drinking days still), and sure he and Bruce were hardly in any of the scenes but dammit it was a fun movie.   The movie finishes off at 104 minutes and while it dragged a bit you got the scope of what the director was trying for. I ask you to find me a vampire story with conflict, romance and gunfight worthy of the OK corral and in general, an amazing cast.   A lot of tongue in cheek humor combined with a potential love triangle story line sprinkled with some rivalry and a few odd gore effects and you have a fairly decent film.  

Vampires Vs Zombies...??!!

Now I look at this title and envision hordes of both popular undead battling it out for the human tidbits.  A battle royale to the well…death I suppose and frankly that sounded interesting to me.  A sort of Underworld feels with not fur just fangs and claws.  Instead I get this.  Ho boy.   So stock up on ammo, MREs and water from your secured undisclosed bunker.   This is Vampires Vs Zombies.

So let’s start off with the few alternative titles to this flick and you will get an idea how long it took me to find it.  You have Carmilla, Carmilla the Lesbian Vampire and last but certainly not least Vampires Vs Zombies.    Netflix and Blockbuster bother were confused as hell to what I was requesting but finally I got a copy and proceeded to view this blight of Cinema.

Warning! Danger! Danger!  The following will invoke spoilers to the film in question as well as cast and director and writer.

So we open our flick with Jenna (Bonny Giroux not Jenna Jameson you pervs) who is having a disturbing or quite possibly erotic dream of an ample bosomed brunette feeding on her.  Then she blew my frickin eardrums with her Linnea Quigley scream startled from her terrifying dream. Her father Travis (C.S. Munro of Corpse-O-Rama) was also startled via car ride, has about 20 seconds of dialogue with her to establish to the audience that is now deaf that she is having this reoccurring dream.  It is at this point I would also like to point out I recognize one member of the cast (Brink Stevens of Zombiegeddon, Birth Rite and Cheerleader Massacre) and she is hardly even in it so you can just wager how delightful this flick was.   The term shaky cam comes to mind.  Apparently no one bothered to explain weight ratios and balance to this fine film crew.  Sheesh a unipod or tripod would have been nice but no that was not in the budget I gathered.  Better to use the town epileptic, give him a pot of coffee and a camera.  Our fearless director /writer Vince D’Amato is responsible for such flicks as the fore mentioned Corpse-O-Rama, Human Nature and Hell Hath No Fury and we shall not go into those movies for I do not keep a puke bucket by my desk. 

  Getting back to our film; this movie is very loosely based on the talented writer Sheridan Le Fanu that wrote the 1872 classic novel Carmilla and sadly it is about the closest any of the existing film makers have gotten close to.  Well I loved the Hammer films so I cannot discredit the Vampyre Lovers with Ingrid Pitt but that is neither here nor there.   To the best of my understanding of this 70 minute acid trip this is a series of chapters versus being a full film?  While it is an interesting premise it is also utterly confusing to the causal moviegoer.   The deliveries of lines from the actors seem so off base or unnatural.  The inflection of their performance feels forced and completely out of context but hell what do you expect for an under budgeted half-assed indie film with no real direction of a plot but a blatant excuse for a lesbian sex scene that looked so staged it couldn’t stimulate the dead.   I suppose the gore scenes were fairly graphic with the sub-plot of vampires and zombies duking it out but honestly I am left wondering how the title of the movie became the secondary plot.

  This was not titled, ”Carmilla Gets the Girl” so what the hell is going on?   Don’t get me wrong.  This was not Zombi 3 where there was 3 directors throwing their hat in the circle but dear God it needed some cohesive editing man.   I was struggling by the 40 minute mark like Apollo Creed hanging on the ropes in Rocky II.  Bottom line kid; if you are just hoping for some awkward preternatural lesbian sex with a defunct storyline then this is your movie.  If however you wish to hold on to a shred of dignity I have a few vamp films of this particular genre that would at least resemble a storytelling.