Barely Legal Zombi Sequel: Zombie 5: Killing Birds

Whelp, I am back for another helping of Barely Legal Zombi Sequel. Really rolls off the tongue, right? Taste that arsenic! Where do we even start with this next film? If IMDB is to be believed this film was completed before Zombi 4: After Death two years prior so that's confusing. For you pervs, this flick is far removed from its jiggly girl roots now and just seems focused on NOT explaining zombie appearances, let alone why they are manifesting this time around. So slap on your rubber gloves, have a mop handy and for God's sake don't get any on your skin. This is Zombie 5: Killing Birds.

Look what you did to me, Illya!!!

Won't lie folks, this is pretty about as connected to the Zombi series as I am to award winning writing but at least I am not watching Zombi 4. This is the first of this "collection" that goes on for 45 minutes without one prime ingredient. Oh yeah, zombies!!! Seriously, the plot drags, the acting is vapid more so than a mall-rat and the pace can only be described as a slow trot or amble.

So our oeuvre opens with Vietnam vet returning home from the war only to find the less than faithful wife getting her pipes cleaned by another guy. Rational as always, our vet draws his knife and starts slashing throats left and right and even neighbors that were minding their own business. Guess they should have given him the heads up of "Dude, wife's cheatin' on you." That could have also ended bloody as well. The wife's pet birds attack him and claw his eyes out. Vengeance??

Death by pulley system is...well kinda slow and boring.

Years later the vet is visited by these students and I guess they are ornithologists but that is never truly stated and they are searching for the ivory billed woodpecker (Insert penis joke. Tee hee I'm 12.) and it is plot convenient that it may be nesting along his property. By the way, no mention if Rambo was hospitalized, dropped in the wacko basket or even put in jail. Nope, who would want to know things like that, movie? The vet is now blind and played by Robert Vaughn (To Trap a Spy, Man From U.N.C.L.E. Bullit, The Towering Inferno, Hangar 18, The A-Team, Buried Alive and Hustle) who is apparently an expert on rare indigenous birds, grabs a few books (That are not in Braille), gives a few hints and suggests where they should head off to.

No sooner are the students deep in the bayou, it starts to rain. MacGuffin leaves the former house of the vet abandoned but structurally sound so of course they go poking around in there as they dry off. It's called a poncho you twits! You can get them at any sporting goods store that has camping equipment! Also I get that you do not want to live in the same house that would be shameful and painful memories but the guy moved maybe a quarter to a half mile from it. NOT A LOT OF DISTANCE!!! Vaughn looks constantly baffled in this picture and I don't blame him. If I read the script to Zombie 5: Killing Birds, I would most likely pluck my actual eyes out so I never read anything that dumb again...or just yell at my agent for submitting it to me.

Strange noises and effects like doors and windows open tormenting our collective heads of knuckle as it looks like the Kandarian demons from Evil Dead are messing with them. Almost every death scene is a throat being slit or slashed. It just screams out, "Hey! This is the only gore gag we really understand and we are piss poorly budget based!" Vaughn shows up for a few more scenes and we see the students are being attacked by creatures zombiesque and frankly given they took their damn time showing up for the film or lurking in the unknown shadows for too long, I couldn't be bothered to care. I understand not wanting to reveal your killer or creatures right away but the spoiler is in the frickin' title! Do the kids live? Will Vaughn fire his agent? Do you give a crap at all?

This the first and last directorial of Claudio Lattanzi as he was better known for being a second unit or assistant director on Michele Soavi's StageFright: Aquarius and Umberto Lenzi's Ghosthouse. He was also assistant to Michele Soavi on The Church but there wasn't a description of the technical he did on that so I am going to guess he fetched hookers, blow and coffee for that movie. While Zombie 4 was gory and dull, at least the effects looked impressive and they were weeding out the cast in an impressive fashion. In this movie it just looks like they played "Spin the Bottle" to decide who has contributed enough to the film and now we gotta gack them. The zombies are not even explained why they are there, who they are or how they came to be. Is it a curse? Toxic waste in the waters? Swamp Thing learned some necromancy?? Who the hell knows or for that matter, who the hell cares??    Bitter? Oh, just a touch.

Craigslist threesome goes awry!!!

Barely Legal Zombi Sequel: Zombi 4: After Death

Heya folks and welcome back to Rotten Reelz Reviews. Quick question... are some of you completely and utterly crackers or just without souls? I got messages begging me to review more of the unofficial sequels to Zombi and I have decided from this day forth they will be referred as Barely Legal Zombi Sequels. Catchy, right? I can just envision some horny guy snapping onto this blog only to NOT find full frontal nudity. Awww poor guy I made up but probably exists. With that in mind, the last one I reviewed was the befuddling, slapped together mismatch that was Zombi 3 or Flesh Eaters 2. Hell pick a title and roll with it.  That film was when director Lucio Fulchi had a minor then a major stroke and could no longer work on it. They claim he did 70 minutes of the film, then exploitation director Bruno Mattei stepped in, sliced it down to about 50 minutes off the original footage and he and writer Claudio Fargasso made 40 minutes of their own. Yup, nothing replaces the man that brought us The Gates of Hell trilogy like the guys behind Strike Commando, Shocking Dark a.k.a. Terminator 2, Cop Game and Troll 2. At least I had fun teasing the film about its many plot sinkholes but now I am supposed to watch this??!!! This is Zombi 4: After Death.

Dude, stop farting on the boat!!

Without any real assistance, this is Claudio Fargasso's baby and boy does it look like a turd from one of the mutants from either The Hills Have Eyes or possibly Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. Opening credits? Well okay but first cave shot lit up like either a 70s porno or an 80s music video. Pick one, they're probably using the same stock of film. Our cavern is lit by a few candles with this funky New Wave music as background with a Voodoo Priest that looks like Marvel Comics Brother Voodoo let himself go. Cut to shrieking black woman that resemble Chakka Khan as she twist and cavorts in what I believe to be interpretative dance or possibly a jazzercise video.

A group of scientists came to this remote island of who the hell knows where (maybe Haiti but really the Phillipines) to come up with a cure for cancer. Somehow whitey scientist offended Voodoo priest and he sicked his pet zombies on them and they sort look like deadites on some level. The lead scientists are killed but for the grace of plot convenience their little girl makes it off the island. Twenty years later, (And given the lack of music, slang and clothes change you really believe that) Jenny (Candice Daly of Hell Hunters, Cop Game, Heart of Darkness and The Young and the Restless) is leading a team of scientists to the SAME DAMN ISLAND her parents were eaten and devoured like so many chicken wings during the Final Four!

AHHH!!! I HATE VACATION PHOTOS!!! AHHHH!!!!

To be at the ready, the scientists hired some mercenaries probably burned out from Vietnam but apparently they couldn't afford The Expendables, so they got The Cannon Fodders. We got Rod (Nick Nicholson of American Ninja, Platoon, The House of Pleasure, Vulcan and Birds of Passage), David a.k.a. Italian Chuck Norris (Massimo Vanni ofThe Last Shark, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Warriors of the Wasteland, Escape from the Bronx, Strike Commando, Zombi 3 and Shocking Dark), Chuck (Adult film actor Jeff Stryker of Powertool, Dirty Love, Jamie Loves Jeff, Ladies' Man and Every Which Way) and cruelly placed token black guy only known as Mad (Jim Moss of Eye of the Eagle, Saigon Commandos, Trigon Fire, The Hunted, Blood Ring, Kill Zone and Angelfist). Yessir, bunch of fine lookin' badasses we have.

Predictably they find the book the Voodoo priest was using and start reading out loud from the book. Folks, did Evil Dead not teach these knuckle knobs anything? Or Fraiser's The Mummy?? YOU MUST NOT READ FROM THE BOOK!!!!

Of course this disturbs the dead yet again and they are engulfing the island in sheer numbers. Some are fast, others shamble, Hell we even have some talking zombies because...eh. Reasons.

Will our collective ninny hammers find the cure? Will the mercs "GIT SOME!!"???

A few questions for anyone left with a brain stem. How did young Jenny ever get off the island on a raft? She had adequate food, water and protection from the sun's rays to avoid heat stroke, all the while paddled everyday into a major shipping lane? Why wouldn't she just direct people to the island rather than visit it? If you were going to visit this island, shouldn't this be a military operation with back up, support and serious boots on the ground?

The camera work is irritating, the soundtrack fades in and out at times and our characters are more dull than a wooden spoon. The gore effects are substantial and our loopier mercs kinda look like Dennis Hopper and Kris Kristofferson ,so that was fun. Yup, had me a few Blade riffs thrown in. Sorry guys, but no ridiculous out of place nudity in this film which stunned me to no end.

Tussin with remove even the Devil!!

Savage Titles: Savage Vengeance

Savage Titles return for Day 3 and boy I am regretting this decision for the week but here it goes. An American slasher/rape revenge story brought to us by director Donald Farmer (Demon Queen, Cannibal Hookers, Vampire Cop. Red Lips, Chainsaw Cheerleaders and Hi-8 Horror Independent 8) so feel free to cringe, slink away and hide under the bed. This film is deemed the official unofficial sequel to the controversial 1978 rape revenge film I Spit on Your Grave and well it is...kinda. This is Savage Vengeance.

Night Ranger on the prowl!

Shocking enough is how many alternative titles are under this festering pile of reindeer droppings. Fifteen years after the original film our movie stars the original girl Camille Keaton under the pseudonym Vickie Kehl and because of legal rights issues none of the footage from I Spit on Your Grave could be used but that's okay... we still got the actress so let's just create new footage for the flashbacks. We return with Jennifer (Camille Keaton of Sex of the Witch, I Spit on Your Grave, No Justice, Holy Hollywood, and The Lords of Salem) for a lengthy driving sequence as she oddly enough goes into the woods with a book to relax and enjoy herself only to get gang raped. Now it is at this point you could argue, say lady don't remember this happening last time? But again we are dealing with an unofficial sequel based on the bad dubbing as Jennifer seems poorly inserted for dialogue. Almost like the director didn't count on getting Camille Keaton for the film.

Elvis has a splitting headache.

So four guys jump in the woods and leave her for dead. Hmm seems a bit similar. 5 years later she is not charged with all the murders of her rapists and so she gets into law school.   She goes to a very similar woodland setting with her friend Sam (Linda Lyer of Savage Vengeance) and I am sorry but if this very traumatic event happened to me, I would be nowhere near the woods. In fact I would probably vacation with hired ex-military recon fully armed.

The main scumbags are known as Tommy (played by director Donald Farmer) and Dwayne (Phil Newman of Desperate Teenage Lovedolls, Vampire Cop, Savage Vengeance and Growing Hair)and there are most definitely not to be trusted. Tommy and Dwayne kill Sam outright and yup you guessed it, jumps Jennifer and leave her for dead. Yeah this repetition can't make for a dull viewing pleasure, can it?  Jennifer pulls herself back from the near grave and it is at this point where I am nominating her for supernatural powers. The good ole boy sheriff drags his feet and might as well be playing beer pong with his deputies as he isn't any closer to making headway into this case. This clown couldn't finish a case of beer. The boys treat themselves for a night on the town as they go and get blotted after a job well done... if that could be ever considered a job.

Will Jennifer get her revenge...again? Will these slimeballs get their reward in Hell?

What did I learn from this movie?

Well shooting on VHS in the woods with day for night lighting looks crappy on any format. The re-format to 35 mm does not help this POS VHS abomination.   The movie doesn't look really finished and only clocks in at an hour and 5 minutes but brother does it drag on. So much padding was needed because Camille Keaton walked off the set of this unoriginal garbage so the ending is very abrupt.

Filmed in '88 but Farmer apparently could not get a release date to video until '93. Yeah your film is so bad that five years have to pass before we can think of subjecting this on the public. Well not surprised this was a turd but what can you expect on a film shot on VHS then translated to 35 mm? 

Find me a good one of those.

Elvis, I see a sad future for you.

Zombie Stew: Zombi 3

In a world that allows no cels to hit the cutting floor, 95 minutes to be chopped down to 84 and 72 thus confusing most viewers and more than 8 English alternative titles comes... well a lot of pain mostly. Welcome to Day 1 of Zombie Stew and boy do I have a treat for you all. Imagine what promises to be a Fulci movie but later revealed to be batted around by Bruno Mattei and finished off by Claudio Fragasso. This is Zombi 3.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FRUIT TO DECLARE?!!!

Also the common title for this flick being Flesh Eaters 2 our brilliant silver screen schlock establishes a terrorist attack at a chemical company, armed assailants snag a potential bio-weapon name of Death One for...a jihad? Demands to the release of their captive brothers-in-arms? Money? Yeah that part never really got focused on. With all the subtly of a cheeseball 80s action film a gun fight ensues and most of the terrorists are wiped out. One escapes into the jungle with the canister of some seriously nasty compounds when he notices the case was damaged and the canister is leaking some strange fluid on him.

With a go around with the military and scientists snarking at one another, the lead scientist Dr. Holder (Robert Marius of Heroes for Hire, Dog Tags, Warriors of the Apocalypse, Vengeance Squad, American Commandos, Movie in Action and Aliens from the Deep) explains with great length of exposition what the virus could do and even the possibility what it could do to the deceased. General Morton (Mike Monty of Thompson 1880, The Bloodsucker Leads the Dance, Achtung! The Desert Tigers, Proibito erotico, Emmanuelle 3 and Dog Tags) scoffs at Holder and tells him to go play with his test tubes and everything is at hand. No sooner do they burn the bodies that Holder tells him the virus can be made airborne and anything in those wind patterns can be affected.

Scotty from Evil Dead has seen better days.

With a camper full of fun filled teens/twenty somethings they are up for anything as they drive by a jeep of three "American Soldiers"...with long hair...and beards and frankly looking as Army as Crosby, Stills and Nash. With an evacuation order, Morton's people are trying to get everyone that has not been bit to safety. Maybe offer them some salt as well. Will Kenny Loggins and Doofus Company be able to fend off the zombies? Is the chemicals really covering the island? What is to be come of the population?

A few points of interest on this flick now. Lucio Fulci (Don't Torture a Duckling, City of the Living Dead, The House by the Cemetery and Demonia) was set to direct it when he had a mild stroke, a few days rest and he wanted to get back to work. After another 70 minutes of footage he had a major stroke and had to leave for his own health. Editor and second unit director at the time Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, The Tomb and The Jail: The Women's Hell) was asked to set into some really big shoes. Between Mattei and Claudio Fragasso they managed to edit down and add an additional 40 minutes to the film so there are about three English dubbed versions coupled with the film being re-released so many times it is difficult to nail down a definitive copy.

The continuity of which director was pushing which portion of script gets very confusing. On one end it feels like Hell of the Living Dead and next we have a chainsaw wielding, Kung Fu zombie smashing the place up and the funniest thing is Resident Evil: Extinction lifting the carrion feeding birds affected by a zombie plague from this movie.

Where...Margaritaville??