Friday, March 11, 2016

Barely Legal Zombi Sequel: Zombie 5: Killing Birds


Whelp, I am back for another helping of Barely Legal Zombi Sequel. Really rolls off the tongue, right? Taste that arsenic! Where do we even start with this next film? If IMDB is to be believed this film was completed before Zombi 4: After Death two years prior so that's confusing. For you pervs, this flick is far removed from its jiggly girl roots now and just seems focused on NOT explaining zombie appearances, let alone why they are manifesting this time around. So slap on your rubber gloves, have a mop handy and for God's sake don't get any on your skin. This is Zombie 5: Killing Birds.

Look what you did to me, Illya!!!















Won't lie folks, this is pretty about as connected to the Zombi series as I am to award winning writing but at least I am not watching Zombi 4. This is the first of this "collection" that goes on for 45 minutes without one prime ingredient. Oh yeah, zombies!!! Seriously, the plot drags, the acting is vapid more so than a mall-rat and the pace can only be described as a slow trot or amble.

So our oeuvre opens with Vietnam vet returning home from the war only to find the less than faithful wife getting her pipes cleaned by another guy. Rational as always, our vet draws his knife and starts slashing throats left and right and even neighbors that were minding their own business. Guess they should have given him the heads up of "Dude, wife's cheatin' on you." That could have also ended bloody as well. The wife's pet birds attack him and claw his eyes out. Vengeance??


Death by pulley system is...well kinda slow and boring.















Years later the vet is visited by these students and I guess they are ornithologists but that is never truly stated and they are searching for the ivory billed woodpecker (Insert penis joke. Tee hee I'm 12.) and it is plot convenient that it may be nesting along his property. By the way, no mention if Rambo was hospitalized, dropped in the wacko basket or even put in jail. Nope, who would want to know things like that, movie? The vet is now blind and played by Robert Vaughn (To Trap a Spy, Man From U.N.C.L.E. Bullit, The Towering Inferno, Hangar 18, The A-Team, Buried Alive and Hustle) who is apparently an expert on rare indigenous birds, grabs a few books (That are not in Braille), gives a few hints and suggests where they should head off to.

No sooner are the students deep in the bayou, it starts to rain. MacGuffin leaves the former house of the vet abandoned but structurally sound so of course they go poking around in there as they dry off. It's called a poncho you twits! You can get them at any sporting goods store that has camping equipment! Also I get that you do not want to live in the same house that would be shameful and painful memories but the guy moved maybe a quarter to a half mile from it. NOT A LOT OF DISTANCE!!! Vaughn looks constantly baffled in this picture and I don't blame him. If I read the script to Zombie 5: Killing Birds, I would most likely pluck my actual eyes out so I never read anything that dumb again...or just yell at my agent for submitting it to me.

Strange noises and effects like doors and windows open tormenting our collective heads of knuckle as it looks like the Kandarian demons from Evil Dead are messing with them. Almost every death scene is a throat being slit or slashed. It just screams out, "Hey! This is the only gore gag we really understand and we are piss poorly budget based!" Vaughn shows up for a few more scenes and we see the students are being attacked by creatures zombiesque and frankly given they took their damn time showing up for the film or lurking in the unknown shadows for too long, I couldn't be bothered to care. I understand not wanting to reveal your killer or creatures right away but the spoiler is in the frickin' title! Do the kids live? Will Vaughn fire his agent? Do you give a crap at all?




This the first and last directorial of Claudio Lattanzi as he was better known for being a second unit or assistant director on Michele Soavi's StageFright: Aquarius and Umberto Lenzi's Ghosthouse. He was also assistant to Michele Soavi on The Church but there wasn't a description of the technical he did on that so I am going to guess he fetched hookers, blow and coffee for that movie. While Zombie 4 was gory and dull, at least the effects looked impressive and they were weeding out the cast in an impressive fashion. In this movie it just looks like they played "Spin the Bottle" to decide who has contributed enough to the film and now we gotta gack them. The zombies are not even explained why they are there, who they are or how they came to be. Is it a curse? Toxic waste in the waters? Swamp Thing learned some necromancy?? Who the hell knows or for that matter, who the hell cares??    Bitter? Oh, just a touch.

Craigslist threesome goes awry!!!