Andreas Schnass: Nikos the Impaler

Howdy all and brace yourselves, for we are about to embark on the impossible. We shall journey together through an Andreas Schnaas film. What's that? You've never heard of this gore enthuasitic director of German horror? Well a few highlights before we go into the fray then. Andreas Schnaas (Violent Sh!T, Violent Sh!t 2, Violent Sh!t 3: Zombie Doom, Violent Sh!t 4.0 Carl the Butcher Vs Axe) is a gore fanatic but not really what you would call a well rounded director. Most of his characters last about 15 to 20 seconds worth of dialogue hastily thrown together and then a gore gag happens to them so this could also be translation issues but I kinda doubt that. Now it has been on the request of some of the readers that I tackle this guy and so I thought his American release would be easier than anything else. This is Nikos the Impaler a.k.a. Violent Sh!t 4 a.k.a. Nikos a.k.a. Survival of the Dead.

I got yer Angela Baker right here!

Okay first off this was very difficult for me to find. The local DVD shops including the fricking 5 dollar bins didn't seem to have it. Hell, I even went to Wal-Mart and Target to see if they had alternative title copies (Which is pretty damn common) but no such luck. So yeah I had to Netflix this movie. Not exactly thrilled about that but let's get on with the film itself. Nikos (Andreas Schnaas) is a Romanian (Transylvanian at this time) barbarian in well, hiding out in either a natural cave or a catacomb is been persecuted and ended for his evil deeds. Apparently, a thousand years ago raping and pillaging was frowned upon as a bad thing. He claims he will rise again like some D&D wizard/warrior then flails about in his own entrails.

The armor is a bit tight in the crotch. Just saying.

Cut to Professor Frank Heller (Joe Zaso of 5 Dead on the Crimson Canvas, The Bloody Ape, Addicted to Murder 3: Blood Lust, Rage of the Werewolf, Demonium and Virus X) giving a riveting lecture to his students about this very timeline, its occupants and the general behavior of the time. The lovely fellow professor Sandra Kane ( Felissa Rose of Taken Alive, Bloodhounds II, Dinner and Driving, Daybreak, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, The Drone Virus and Satan's Playground) and Frank having been dating and dragging her to Violent Sh!t 3: Infantry of Doom is a date movie!?! No seriously, she says if I can handle that I can handle an art exhibit of ancient Romanian butchery and violence.

Grandma Rotty!?!  NOoOoOoOoOOooo!!!!

Observing an exhibit of Romanian art and ancient tapestries Daisy (Brenda Abbandandolo of Nikos the Impaler and Under Surveillance) has the horrible task of being the know-it-all expert in this ancient history and given some of the doofiest lines imaginable. We have a stereotypical conservative gay couple disgusted at the the rending and depictions of violence on the canvas that I got a slight chuckle out of that. This film is 2003 so really there are ways of people watching and observing a culture you know NEXT TO NOTHING about. Thank you writer Ted Geoghegan (Demonium, Barricade, Don't Wake the Dead, Sweatshot and The Disco Exorcist) you insensitive wanker. Moving on, this drags a bit until a botched attempt to steal some of the antiquities results in a fellow getting his carotid artery opened up and dribbling all over the mask of the late Nikos and viola! Instant resurrection in full armor. He then proceeds to waste the museum patrons and stays in the damn place for more than an hour!!!

He finally journeys out into the streets of New York and yeah that could draw attention one would think. Smashing up a cab with his...really painful CGI effects and then bringing characters from other Schnaas films to life he conjures up a succubus, Hitler, ninjas and Eva Braun?? Nikos trashes a lesbian bar, a movie theater and a video store.  Hmm, art mimicking life??   A metaphor?  NAH!!!

Will Nikos be stopped!?!  Can Frank and Sandra bring Nikos down??   Is this Bat Gag ever get tiresome??

Felissa delivers the epic line after seeing the impossible made possible "Ninjas, sure. Why the f*ck not."

This film is intended to be gore gags and a somewhat developed story. It brings a bit of T&A courtesy of soft core erotica horror and sci-fi actress Darian Caine (Mistress Frankenstein, Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors and Lust for Dracula) decapitations, gutting and mutilations that well...kinda lack believably but so did a similar lumbering undead guy in the form of Jason Vorhees via Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. The difference there is they didn't take their flick so damn seriously, they had better lighting and probably didn't shoot on 16 mm and expect digital to clean that all up.  The film looks grainy and like a daily print.   Thank God the boom mic, shotgun mic on the camera and the personal mics were functioning or I wouldn't have heard the lines dubbed or otherwise.

Maybe it was my copy but I think they may all look this way. I did laugh seeing cameos of Troma's own Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman. Interesting how our Romanian barbarian is followed around the streets in his bloody warpath by death metal music as a personal soundtrack. This is a goofy gorefest and if that is up your alley then have at it. It is certainly not the worse movie I have sat through so...there's that.

Are we gonna get graded on this?

Sleepaway Camp

Welcome back to Rotten Reelz Reviews. Now as last week I was busy just picking random movie and TV to put together a few convoluted and opinionated reviews as per usual. Since epinions was abandoned for paying reviews, I noticed I sat through the sequels but never bothered to give a write-up for the original.   From the creation writer/director Robert Hiltzik (Sleepaway Camp, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland and Return to Sleepaway Camp) comes the slasher film with the twist ending. This is Sleepaway Camp.

Kill her Mommy.  Kill her!

Yes before the campy and goofy patter of Pamela Springteen of Sleepaway Camp II and III, came Angela Baker (Felissa Rose of Taken Alive, Bloodhounds II, Dinner and Driving, Daybreak, Nikos the Impaler, Zombiegeddon, The Drone Virus and Satan's Playground) is off to summer camp with her cousin Ricky (ABC Afterschool Specials, Return to Sleepaway Camp, The Perfect House, Redemption, Blood Reservoir, Then and Again, Terror Tales, Sugar! And William Froste) at Camp Arawak and all its host of deviants. From the bullying of physically mature Judy (Karen Fields of Sleepaway Camp and Judy) and the "Camp Counselor" Meg (Katherine Kamhi of All My Children, CBS Afternoon Playhouse, Kate & Allie, Silent Madness, The Marshall Chronicles, Dragnet, The Young and the Restless and Bones) to the attempted molestation brought to you by the cook Artie (Owen Hughes of Sleepaway Camp) you can imagine the lack of happy campers. Again, a background check would solve a lot of things.

Accidents in the kitchen are as common as in the bathroom.

Artie cracks wise about fresh meat while getting scalded by the pot prepped for cracking corn causing his little black heart to cease to beat. So best way to deal with this is to leave him uncovered and wheeled out right in front of the kids. Camp owner Mel (Mike Kellin of Banning, The Incident, The Boston Strangler, Riot, The People Next Door, Freebie and the Bean, Midnight Express, The Jazz Singer, Fitz and Bones and Sleepaway Camp) rules Artie's demise as an accident. Also one of the longer screaming death scenes. Imagine Meatballs with gore.

The water's too hot!!!

Meg and Judy decide to toss Angela in the water because...well they're dicks would be my guess. Small kids hurl handfuls of sand at her and Angela proceeds to stare them down with creeper eyes. With the beach mishap aside, Meg offers a bit of tail to camp owner Mel but she needs a shower first. Aw, sprucing herself up for her sugar daddy. Hot time in the shower leads to a murder in the shower. Mel discovers her, swears vengeance and chases out to the campgrounds and stumbles upon the mutilated corpses of the very small kids that made fun of Angela. Mel remembers in a fit of rage that Ricky was there screaming he would get back at all of them and proceeds to jump the kid, slapping him around and throwing him a beating only to get an arrow through the throat. If not Ricky, then who?

How many more die tonight? Will this make Camp Arawak be less than safe for kids?

Our gore and SFX is brought to us by the FX guru Ed French (Nightmare, Sleepaway Camp, C.H.U.D., The Stuff, Necropolis, Creepshow 2, Mutant Hunt, Prime Evil, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, Terminator 2: Judgment Days and Return to Sleepaway Camp) and brought one of the most impressive and clever twists in slasher history. More than a handful of young kids swearing profusely made me just laugh remembering how at that age was odd to say the least. While cashing in on the popularity of Friday the 13^th, these films are completely separate and it offers a warped outlook of morality, kids being kids and a disturbing backstory. FYI, Felissa Rose's cool stare will chill you to the bone, if not the soul.

Ah, you startled me!

Rotten Ramblin On#27: Zombies Part 1

Agents of SHIELD Season 3

Welcome back to the randomness that is this week. With the crippling effects of the Terrigen Crystals smashed into the ocean of last season and warping the sea life, creating a vapor that alters the very DNA of a person creating terrigenesis (Transmogrification from human to inhuman) as humanity has been modified by ancient race known as the Kree millions of years ago that the very metamorphosis remains in human DNA to this day giving a race of super beings but how many will fight for what is right? This is Agents of SHIELD Season 3.

Sir, are we bonding?

S.H.I.E.L.D.has been busting tail trying to find these new Inhumans with no training of their powers and a general threat them and others. Daisy "Skye" Johnson ( Chloe Bennett of Nashville, The Birthday Boys, Tinker Bell and the Legend of the NeverBeast and Jake and the Never Land Pirates) is to train and lead a team of "Secret Warriors" against the hordes of Hydra as they race collecting Inhumans.

Current director of S.H.I.E.L.D, Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg of The Spanish Prisoner, Magnolia, State and Main, Iron Man, Thor, The Avengers, Ultimate Spider-Man, Lego Marvel's Avengers and Thrilling Adventure Hour Live) has to deal with the repercussions of S.H.I.E.L.D's previous collapse, the Age of Ultron and the beginning of the Inhumans made public to the people; the fear mongering brings a new agency to deal with these Inhumans the ATCU (Advanced Threat Containment Unit) which are abducting folk left and right that S.H.I.E.L.D feels the need to have a pow wow with them and see if they cannot just simply work together. With that in mind and if they didn't have enough to worry about, there are rumors of an Inhuman slaughtering fellow Inhumans because...there can be only one?

Tequila makes the time goes by.

Former S.H.I.E.L.D and current Hydra agent Grant Ward (Brett Dalton of Blue Bloods, Army Wives, Killing Lincoln, Until Dawn and The Resurrection of Gavin Stone) finds the organization splintered and near destruction finding the last real seat of power Gideon Malick (Powers Boothe of Red Dawn, Philip Marlowe, Private Eye, Tombstone, Nixon, U Turn, Sin City, Justice League, Deadwood and 24) begins to reveal Hydra's beginnings, purpose and goals which is beyond the dreams of many.

Can Coulson and company stop Hydra once and for all? Can the Inhumans mingle amongst the regulars?

Well there is a few soap opera feels to the series with drama, tragedy and some new characters. The envelope is pushed further and getting more and more challenges tossed in their directions as our powered and non-powered heroes fighting an uneasy alliance against their common enemies. The show keeps the timeline with the other Whedonverse projects of Avengers: Age of Ultron as well as the aftermath of Captain America: Civil War trying to hold to the current MCU as much as possible. 

Yeah this is pretty heavy.

 

The introduction of Lash, the hunter Inhuman (Matthew Willig of Year One, We're the Millers, Concussion, Wild Card, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and Happy Birthday) gives a sinister deadline for the team. Make no mistake fans of S.H.I.E.L.D, this is where the story is going to get even bigger.

Yor, the Hunter from the Future

Welcome back from the week of Linda Blair. Wow, I knew the lady had fans but my God I had no clue the hold she has on folks. Again kudos to you Ms. Blair, a class act and thank you again for re-posting this blog. This week we are keeping fast and loose. No real theme happening this time.

This time around we look at an obscure Italian director finding himself in Sci-fi, Sword and sorcery, horror/giallo, spaghetti western and war flicks. Antonio Margheriti (Legs of Gold, Assignment Outer Space, Battle of the Worlds, The Golden Arrow. Castle of Blood, The Stranger and the Gunfighter, Hunters of the Golden Cobra and Alien From the Deep) brings us a film with more than a few twists attached to it. Based an Argentine comic in 1974 with a mixture of prehistoric and futuristic. This is Yor, the Hunter from the Future.

My wig itches.

Our opus opens with Yor (Reb Brown of Uncommon Valor, Howling II: Striba Bitch, Death of a Soldier, Strike Commando, Robowar- Robot da guerra, Space Mutiny, The Firing Line, Cage, Street Hunter, Cage, Cage II and Night Claws) jogging through the region of Turkey in Cappadocia mountains (region of Mount Taurus for the ancient Cappadocian empire) with his epic rock musical number behind him when he must save Kalaa (Corrine Clery of The Story of O, Hitch Hike, Moonraker, The Tunnel, I Hate Blondes, Skipper, Per sempre, Errore fatale and Moscacieca) and her mentor Pag (Luciano Pigozzi of General Della Rovere, Two Women, Blood and Black Lace, Yor, the Hunter from the Future, Double Target, Robowar- Robot da guerra, Cop Game and Zombi 3) from a dinosaur with a stone ax then drank its blood???

I thought he would to just paint himself with its blood. So clearly a feast in his honor. Only to be interrupted by bluish looking cavemen, trashing the village and only Pag and Yor can go back and save them all. They will need a lot of hemp before the day is out.

Man, Sandpeople need to keep the masks on.

Yor finds the most unusual way to hang glide into the cave to do battle with the blue cavemen, with Yor's World jamming behind him as he throws cowboy with a massive flood filling up the cave he gets to...save Kalaa and that's about it. The rest of the villagers and cavemen drown. Whoops.

Yor and Pag discover some more origins of Yor with the golden amulet he wears, they encounter a race of mummies lead by Roa (Ayshe Gul of Yor, the Hunter from the Future) who bears an identical amulet. Rather than find out their stories Yor slaughters them all but the sultry blonde. Why does Schwarzenegger line from Conan the Destroyer, "Enough Talk," come to mind?   It does appear that Yor needs a few women for his superior breeding but before those flights of threesome fancy come to pass, more blue cavemen end up slaying Roa so no more backstory following then.

Jonathan Pryce is Darth Moodius.

Saving yet another village Yor, Pag and Kala proceed to make nice with yet another tribe from yet another dinosaur only to watch this tribe get vaporized by flying saucers with frickin' laser beams!?!

Are we in the past, the post-apocalypse or possible future!?! What the nine hells is I am watching!?!

Well this does not have copious nudity as it does commonly in Italian Sci-fi Fantasy, mild swearing, scale model work, blue screen and practical effects galore and all honesty, in spite of some of the goofy dialogue, this is not a bad film. Reb gets to be a beefy barbarian to hack and slash. Sweeping bouts of silliness aside, I had fun watching this film.

Wow, Liam Cunningham really let that beard grow.

Linda Blair Week: Chained Heat

Welcome back for Day 5 of Linda Blair Week and it has been pretty amazing watching those numbers tally up. A quick heads up about Linda Blair's Worldheart Foundation http://www.lindablairworldheart.org/ as this is a rescue for pitbulls in the greater Los Angeles area. With Medical services, proper nutrition and behavioral classes to help give rescue dogs a better shot at life.

Well, the good taste could only prevail for so long. More than a few fans insisted that I watch and review a more adult themed Linda Blair film and if I must, I must. With a perverted John Vernon, Sybil Danning and Tamara Dobson ruling the pens, where can Linda Blair turn? This is Chained Heat.

So how do you tease your hair that way Val?

Young Carol (Linda Blair of Savage Streets, The Exorcist II: The Heretic, Moving Target, Up Your Alley, Bad Blood, The Chilling, Dead Sleep, Sorceress, Prey of the Jaguar, Supernatural, Whoa! and All is Normal) had a drunk driving accident that cost a man his life. The judge threw the book at her giving her no less than 18 months to serve her sentence. Our warden Bacman (John Vernon of Brannigan, S.W.A.T., Cannon, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Angela, Dirty Harry, Animal House, Savage Streets and Batman: The Animated Series)has aspirations to be the next Fellini using his prison hoes for a smut racket homemade pornographic films and distribution of coke. Double Secret Probation for you, sir!   Streetwise Val (Sharon Hughes of The Last Horror Film, Grotesque, Chained Heat and Mission: Killfast) who rocks her Aquanet hair becomes Carol's mentor giving her the tips to survival and how to loosen up in this madcap world behind bars.

You muthas messin' with Cleopatra Jones!?!

With the promise of drugs, sex and other such contraband, the male prison guards listen to their Captain Taylor (Stella Stevens of The Nutty Professor, The Poseidon Adventure, Santa Barbara, General Hospital and Megaconda) who keeps it on the up and up by is a partner to statuesque Duchess (Sybil Danning of The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers: Milady's Revenge, Cat in the Cage, Battle Beyond the Stars, Hercules, Howling II: Striba Bitch, Reform School Girls and Warrior Queen) is clearly a lifer running whatever kind of skag she can on her cell block and is a big deal next to her competition that Amazonian bit of loveliness, Duchess (Tamara Dobson of Fuzz, Cleopatra Jones, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold, Murder at the World Series, Jason of Star Command, Chained Heat and Amazons). Tensions are high between the white and black cell blocks. Imagine what the Latinas, Germans and the Irish feel. I do feel the boom mic deserves a decent billing as I saw it more than a few times but nowhere near the top billed boom mic of Dolemite.

Tee hee!  I'm easy.

Naive Carol is caught in the middle of this bubbling cauldron and it only a matter of time before a block war goes up. Will she survive the next few days?? Can no one stop the madness???

With the grim and gritty atmosphere of in-house fighting, shower scenes, lesbian scenes and sleazy dialogue this makes for unusual viewing. The lighting choices of shadows, back lit and eerie synthesizer music was an odd choice but fits the mood pretty well. With racist fights, shanks and the staff being corrupt gives little to no hope of a night's sleep. Shockingly enough, as this is a women in prison film there is tons of nudity. I know, I too was surprised at this. The story is dark, some of the acting is over the top but we do have some classic Henry Silvia with his patented creepy smile and pleasant voice ensuring you would die slowly. This exploitation, sexploitation, blaxploitation film does have its cult following so you make of that what you will.

Who said this isn't my natural hair color!?!

Linda Blair Week: Witchery

Welcome back for Day 4 of Linda Blair Week. Y'know, I had my heart set on reviewing Chained Heat but good taste did prevail as I was informed of today's film which I only knew by its alternative title. Many moons ago, when the Earth was young and yuppies, cocaine and health nuts were abundant, there came a film like no other. A film that would dare to NOT star a Van Patten but indeed they would bring to the big screen, Michael "David Hasselhoff" Knight, Linda Blair and Grandma Ruth of Basket Case 2 and 3. Such was not dare dreamed of. This is Witchery a.k.a. Ghosthouse 2 a.k.a. Evil Encounters a.k.a. The Haunted House a.k.a. Witchcraft: Return of the Exorcist a.k.a. Hexenbrut.

Blair beside herself.  Mirroring emotions.  Okay, I'll stop.

Boy, it has been a while (cue Aaron Lewis Staind tune!) since we have had a multiple alternative title movie. I knew this film under Ghosthouse 2 wondering why this was nothing like Umberto Lenzi's creeper film at all. It didn't even feel like a continuation. Now I know and knowing is half the battle. BLARF! Ahem, moving on... our feature film of the day has a wayward group of folks trapped on a Massachusetts island due to a massive storm front and their only recourse is to make their way into the abandoned haunted hotel for shelter. Folks, it's called a lean to. Google it then build it. You'll thank me.

The movie opens with an angry mob of five pig farmers brandishing a few pitchforks yet no torches as they chase a terrified pregnant woman across the moors. As the mob continues the hunt for said pregnant lady, she is pursued by disgruntled village people( Yyyyy...MCA!! ) she making her way to the hotel, seeing no escape she hurls herself out a window as was clearly her only option.

As if some prophetic dream, Jane (Linda Blair of Bad Blood, The Chilling, Dead Sleep, Zapped Again!, Calender Girl, Cop Kill? The Bambi Bembenek Story, Double Blast and Skins) wakes in a cold sweat as she is pregnant, creeped out and in general not having a good night. Without any further explaination, we cut to Leslie (Leslie Cumming of Zombie 5: Killing Birds and Witchery) and her boyfriend Gary (David Hasselhoff of Semi-Tough, Terror at London Bridge, Knight Rider, Baywatch, Avalanche, Nick Fury: Agent of Shield and Anaconda: The Offspring) are staying at the abandoned hotel so Leslie can write a book about witchcraft, the Hoff is taking snapshots of the house, the island and a bizarre light that happens at particular times of the day that looks suspiciously like a lens flare but I'm not passing judgement. A plot point clearly needed is Leslie is a virgin. We know this because Gary likes haphazardly dropping it into conversation and sounds disgruntled for not getting laid. For shame Hoff, for shame.

Tellin' ya, Baywatch Nights is easy money.

The fisherman that brought Jane, brother Tommy and her parents looking to buy the hotel of darkness appears to have disappeared via lens flare into a cheap prism pendant. Though our lady in black played by Hildegard Knef (The Murderers Are Among Us, The Snows of Kilmanjaro, Decision Before Dawn and Fedora) is genuinely creepy giving you the John Carradine creeper stare. The pace is a tad slow, our gore scenes are fairly creepy and over all the exposition does give the back story.

People are tossed into another dimension kind of like Silent Hill only it looks like a blood caked Doctor Who time tunnel. Day for night shots, back lit actors and lots of masonry shots are confusing as hell. Three doors to Hell seem to be found randomly in rooms and to be honest, you would think one door would be enough. There seems to be a black mass/witchcraft theme going and Leslie mumbles her dissertation but also not really explained so I am confused.

Starring Tom Baker...

Realtor boy and Architect girl or Tony(Frank Cammarata of Witchery) and Linda (Catherine Hickland of Loving, Ghost Town, Witchery, Taxi Killer, One Life to Live andThe City), if you prefer comes off as bland people crafted solely for being gacked but that's not their fault as they were poorly conceived.

Will they ever escape the island??? Will creeper Lady in Black do them all in???

The music score sounded familiar and turns out composer Carlo Maria Cordio (Pieces, Cave Dwellers, Endgame- Bronx lotta finale, Hell Behind the Bars, Iron Warrior, Zombie 5: Killing Birds, Touch of Death and Witchery) covering us with his guitar and synthesizer goodness.   Hmm that may have sounded a tad pornographic.

Our director also brought audiences the unfortunate and unofficial sequel to the Troll movies called Crawlers, which not unlike Troll 2 has nothing to do with Trolls. Confused, choppy editing and more gore than story, Linda does her level best to make this a watchable film.  Stay for the gore and get a story. Not bad but could use a bit more polish.

Santa?  SANTA!!??!!