Random Reels: Alien vs Predator

Hey folks I am back again. Sorry for the delay but the Subspecies Audio Review took almost two days to cut, edit and complete. That being said we are doing some Random Reels today and I thought I would describe a film that was neither disappointing or amazing but really lackluster as a whole. A film combining two franchises that should have accelerated to the echelons of cinema and not in the bottom of the Best Buy five dollar barrel. This is Alien Vs Predator.

His name is Tusky.

This particular film had high hopes from anyone playing the arcade game of Aliens vs Predator based on a Dark Horse title started in 1993 which storyline has nothing to do with humanity and it is just Aliens and Predators going to town, along with Activison releasing a Super Nintendo version of the arcade game. With action figures, video games in development, these two terrifying creatures of space were held to a standard as high as the Universal movie monsters of yesteryear. So Fox green-lights a film treatment that was in development hell. Deciding if it should be a new Alien movie, will Ridley Scott or James Cameron come back for it, can they get Sigourney Weaver and/or Michael Behn back and so on. So how did this concept disappoint so many? Well...okay I'll tell you as best I can.

Looks like a remodeled Shang Sun temple.

Director/writer Paul W.S. Anderson (Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, The Sight, Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Resident Evil: Extinction, Death Race,Death Race 2 and Pompeii) tells a tale involving humanity, the xenomorphs (Aliens) and the hunters (Predators) and an ancient pyramid deep in the frozen wastes of Antarctica. Recorded by Weyland Industries satellite, a huge energy beam strikes the frozen region from the sky. For what purpose? No one can say. Owner of said satelite and growing corporation, Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen of The Terminator, Aliens, Alien 3, Pumpkinhead, Powder, Millennium, X-Files, Man's Best Friend, Madhouse, Hellraiser: Hellworld and Screamers: The Hunting) has video confirmation of something, a huge structure buried miles under the ice and wants to take an expedition to discover what it is.  Well being an Anderson movie you know this cast will consist of expendable one-dimensional characters who will tell the audience in clunky dialogue who they are and why they are so vital to the team. Anderson favorites include the very talented Colin Salmon, Tommy Flanagan and Liz May Brice. Yeah they show up in more than a few of these flicks and their roles as body count NEVER EVER changes.

Make two Blade sequels without me? What were they thinking?

To lead this dangerous trek we need a bad ass and there she is. Alexa Woods (Sanaa Lathan of Blade, Out of Time, Nip/Tuck, Powder Blue, Something New, Wonderful World, Tilda, Contagion, Boss and Shots Fired), mountaineer, trained medic and overall bad ass. Weyland describes what they will be facing and she puts her foot down worried that the expedition will be over before it begins. Some of these cats don't look cardio ready enough but Weyland will go forward with or without her help. So off into the tundra they go.

Meanwhile miles above the Earth, a landing party comprised of three predators proceed past this forgotten oil refinery/whaling town and head below the ice to find...a big honking pyramid somehow almost perfectly preserved from even these harsh climate changes. Let's be clear. This stonework is completely intact after years of no direct contact with the existing weather patterns. Our team of expendable (Not in the Stallone and Statham way) archeologists want the audience to believe it is an Aztec temple and the hieroglyphs speak of a hunting ground as a rite of passage to being full hunters. An Aztec temple in the Antarctic, possibly Cambodian. Boy, that will be a big shock for Mexico won't it? Oh and before we get into the sweet, sweet action this SciFi/Horror movie is rated PG-13. Conclusion on that? More young butts in seats equals a viewing pleasure.

Action scene wise, this is visually awesome. Watching two of the nastiest critters going at it in full death match looks amazing. You can hear every growl, snarl, bones cracking, masonry being shattered. Awesome sauce.

The downside is the dialogue is typical of Anderson creations in that it has no depth, no time for character development and no one is particularly interesting at all. Exception our bad ass mountaineer, the rest could have been replaced with voice actors and CGI green screen characters. I couldn't remember a single character name attached aside from Weyland and Alex and I have a near perfect memory. Bottom line, the story is crap but the visuals are amazing. The characters are dull and unfinished but the FX, props and makeup are astounding. My advice? Hit mute, turn on close caption and watch it unfold.

Sadly, Kevin Peter Hall did not get to reprise his Predator role as he died in 1991. the animatronic Alien Queen was rigged with a motion control remote allowing her movements to be recorded digitally and saved for implementation for the film. 

Guess the queen is into BDSM??

Hey gang!  Sorry for the delay but the editing for this audio review took almost two days to get it where I wanted it.   Take a gander yourselves.  Audio Review# 28 Subspecies   I hope you all enjoy it.

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory

Howdy doodly doo readers of the blog! Yeah I promise to try not to do an intro that goofy again. So we are back with the boy and bots of ICWXP as the lads partake in a snobby high end coffee sketch. Zany funsters that they are. No sooner does the monkey business end, Dr. Blackwood sends cam feed of him getting tazed and abducted by a hybrid of a hazmat/paramilitary team lead by a man in black. My heavens. Not sure why they had to go with the ball gag but I'm not judging.

Something got into Rick's hand and it went bad.

Our man in black introduces himself as Kincaid (Because Wesker would have been too on the nose) and tells them they have been experimented on by the Ludovico Corporation and it will be business as usual. Also Rick should give up thoughts of escape and kneel before Zod. With an annoying short in play and the main feature looming overhead, the fellas are a bit nervous. This is Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory.

Our short, Ghost Rider (Thankfully not starring the ghost of Nicholas Cage's career past) give a deep, sinister look into bus safety from beyond the grave... Chilling, right? Frankly the film called out for more Cage references but I digress, the boys got through it, chins held high.

The Mighty Quinn teaches 7th grade English.

During the host segment the lad and droids decide how to get to Toshi station for some much needed power converters and... Wait, that's something else.   Reminiscing over Blackwood and his nutty experiments Topsy and Cylon proceed to have their own douchy paranormal investigators series. I think it's called Ghost Jackers.  I guess it creeps the dearly departed if you start strangling the bishop right in front of them as they manifest. It would disturb me.   Also the "school" seems to be some potentially depraved old man's standing on what an all-girl school would be or operate. With its high walls and iron gates I just assumed it was a Catholic college.  This film loves three things: Cuts in the film and dialogue, lamps and letters. They are the primary focus of the werewolf movie it would see.

You've got to hide me, Rick!

Got to see Luciano Pigozzi again. Who?! Character actor of such gems as: Pigs with P.38, Evil Eye, Return of the Saint, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, Strike Commando, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2, Yor, the Hunter from the Futur and Robowar. He will need a lot of hemp before the day is through. For those of you brave enough to watch the flick he looks like a Peter Lorre clone in this flick. So what can we even say about this movie? Well first time I saw it was at 4 in the afternoon and while Rick and the bots were knocking riffs left and right and being very entertaining the pace of this flick lapsed me into a small coma, possibly it was just a nap. I'm serious, I had to sit up to watch this movie it is so poorly paced, it has next to no copy that doesn't look like a copy of Reservoir Dogs from a local Blockbuster and the obsession of lamps was eerie.

I have no idea why the bots just didn't run head on into the path of a transformer or electromagnet. Suppose Rick could have hung himself with his combat boot laces.

Favorite riffs: Must we fight in front of the Lhasa Apsos, CAN YOU HEAR ME THROUGH THE LAMP??!!! and of course, I'LL KILL YOU!!

Make no mistake, gentle readers, we start moving from the counter and explore more story in the series. A true turning point and setting the stage for Season 2. Remember to hit Cinema Warriors homesite for episodes, swag and extensive stats and bio.

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Bloody Pit of Horror

Greetings and salutations readers of the blog and welcome back to ICWXP Week. I know this may be difficult to comprehend but I am actually reviewing something I enjoy for a change. That being said today we move to Episode Three of Season One. More body oils than you are comfortable with viewing. More armpit stench courtesy of Italy. Yes, time for another sweaty Mickey Hargitay film to make Rick question his sexuality yet again. This is Bloody Pit of Horror.

Routine maintenance at the Cine-a-Sorrow.

Yes readers, I know that Riff Trax also did a version of this. Guess what? Still prefer this one. Directed by Massimo Pupillo (Terror- Creatures from the Grave, Bloody Pit of Horror and The Revenge of Lady Morgan) and well, not 100% sure how this was ever horrifying...in 1965...in Technicolor but there must have been someone fudging their shorts over it somewhere. A photographer, editor and former newspaper man takes an assortment of models to a seemingly abandoned castle for some "sexy horror covers" for horror novels. Yup that is truly the plot we are all contending with.

The wheels on the bus go to Hell.

But wait! What's happening to Rick and the bots?!! Well firstly the bots to boy had to sit through a short film called the Talking Car and no, amazingly enough David DeCoteau didn't write or direct this along with his sweaty, awkward 1313 softcore gay porns either. These possessed predecessors of Christine demand that young Timmy learn the see and be seen rules of pedestrian safety or they will gang up on him and spin donuts on his little soft and underdeveloped brain. Also we have a new face at the candy counter, a Professor Zediakah Logan or Zed the Head if you prefer. A sophisticated and brilliant psychologist that just happens to be a zombie head that kept his intelligence. Topsy and Cylon want him as a pet and promise to tend to all his needs.

Dude, your wingman's slouching.

Uh-oh, zombie signal!  Back to the theater of anguish and torture!!   Why torture?  Well you go ahead and look at Mr. Universe of 1955 oiling up his hands and arms and try not think of getting fisted. GO AHEAD, TRY! Ya can't do it, can you?!!   So our young models scantily jiggling about and the most dull of photo shots get into mischief as they deal with the owner of said castle/recluse/chess master and body fitness instructor played by Mickey Hargitay who lives with a deep dark secret... No he is not gay. Sheesh, if only they were that lucky. Instead he hears in his head the voice of...the Crimson Executioner!   He kinda dresses like Disco Pervy Phantom and the bright red leotards tell me he is circumcised.   Thank God I know that now.   Dude this outfit includes a cowl, domino mask commonly found on Bucky or Robin, red leotard pants and buccaneer boots. I was expecting an ass flap to go with his pants too.

Host segment takes the boys out for a nap as they are tormented in their sleep by the craggy and crotchety voice of a Model A Ford from beyond the scrapyard...OoOoOOo...

If only I was still a reporter, there might be something to this. Some "accidental"deaths occur and we should think about how much of a safety hazard the place is. Calling OSHA for starters possibly EPA. Think of the oil drizzlings at least. Given how much muscle grease Hargitay had on him, I was envisioning those stone steps as a major trip issue. Will the models survive the night?? Can anything be done to stop the madness?? Has Blackwood developed Smell-O-Vision to further mess with Rick??

Our host segments are enjoyable and for those bitching about low budget and such I remind you of MST3K's KMTA and Season 1 years and then tell you to go pound sand. The introduction to Zed was fun and the fellas embrace the inner Dio within. Plenty of good stuff here. Favorite Riff : Here for the Porno and What have you done to the Janitor. Watch and see!!

Channeling Psycho Power!!

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP: Lady Frankenstein

Welcome to the ICWXP Experience! Fasten your safety belts. Put tray tables in their upright locked positions and remember this is a non-smoking review. Today I thought we would gloss over the Bride of the Gorilla experiment for many reasons. The Warriors are not thrilled with it and given I was once part of MST3K: Second Wave and had to see that piece of crap more than 15 times, I'm not a fan. So moving on to the second experiment of first season, a bit of trashy Italian exploitation taking the Frankenstein legacy into an even more perverse nature?? Kinky.

This is Lady Frankenstein.

Dude, stop eye banging your daughter.  Creeper.

The good baron (Joseph Cotten of Citizen Kane, Shadow of a Doubt, The Third Man, The Survivor, Delusion, Heaven's Gate, Casino and Tales of the Unexpected) is up to his grave digging and re-animation ways but this time via Italy!! with his assistant Dr. Charles Marshall (Paul Muller of Journey to Italy, Vampyros Lesbos, Nightmare City, Brush with Fate, Brigands, Anxiety, and For Roseanna) they pay off grave robbers and twist God's work to bringing life back to corpses.   But wait... Isn't this about Commander Rick Wolf and his trusty tin cans yucking it up over bad films? A valid question, disembodied voice of a reader and fan.

Psst, that chair doesn't hide an erection well.

Rick and the bots proceed to clean the theater to make it habitable as Rick really doesn't want to venture out a zombie infested Kansas City, so one makes do. They let in another human name of Darrell (Nick Evans of ICWXP), a beer soaked gin weasel that gripes about having to sponge off his mom and has personal hygiene habits that would make a crap flinging monkey blush. Dr. Blackwood mercilessly send Rick and the automatons into the theater for their delightful viewing.

Darrell dining in.

The baron, elbow deep in a dead man's sternum remembers his daughter Tania (Rosalba Neri of Top Sensation, Blood River, Blackmail, The Devil's Wife, Libera, My Love, The Arena, The Girl in Room 2A and High School Girl) will arrive from university and has been certified as a licensed doctor and deemed smokin' hot. Mysterious grave robbing has been going on in the village and Captain Harris (Mickey Hargitay of Bloody Pit of Horror, Delirium, The Reincarnation of Abel, Cool Million, The Wild Wild West, Cjamango, Three Graves and Law & Order: SVU) won't rest until he finds who is the culprit responsible. With a rushed brain and not enough stimuli (like the plot), the creature rises and squishes the baron to death. Harris rushes to the scene questioning Dr. Marshall and Tania about a big man. A man that could... So with a big man on the loose bear hugging people to death, Harris is on the case.

Rick, Topsy and Cylon come back on to the candy counter to what can only be described as a total clusterf**k of a mess courtesy of Darrell. You get the vibe that the bots about to break Asminov's first law of robotics big time. From his whiny story of woe is me to his clear funk that could stagger a feral ghoul, Rick is delighted at the chance to see more of the film.

Will the man ape and robots survive this seemingly piss poor cash-in on Frankenstein?? Was there really a need for this much nudity?? Is the dubbing as bad as it seemed??

Favorite riff is the repeated No staaaaaaairs gag of which you will appreciate. With fan letters tended to, some messages via antiquated answering machine and general good vibes, the experiment is over...for now.

Ha ha. Nudity censored. Enjoy.

Incognito Cinema Warriors XP

Hey folks I am back again. Today's theme is a little something different. You would call this an internet/DVD phenomenon given how these guys and gals directly changed movie riffing for a new generation. Movie Riffing? Making fun of a preexisting source material in the same fashion as Joel Hodgson's Mystery Science Theater 3000, Mike Nelson's Riff Trax and Hodgson's Cinematic Titanic.

Damn. Topsy really wants those Junior Mints.

What started as nothing more than a one and done as head writer/director/actor/graphic artist/metalhead Rikk Wolf puts it, became an underground success from DVD releases to YouTube standing.   Incognito Cinema Warriors XP is based with music/video game/movie/literate/snarky comments thrust out at the screen at film that look better on teeth. Hell some of the movies they watch, film on a dead man's eyes would be more entertaining and less off-putting.

Woody Strode: American Gigolo.

So imagine MST3K but not a guy trapped in space. Oh no, that would be kind. So instead the Zombie Apocalypse overtakes the states, possibly the world. Commander Rick Wolf (Rikk Wolf of ICWXP) lead a team of commandos C.O.R.P.S. (Commando Of Re-animant Processing and Suppression) whose entire team was overrun by zombies forcing Wolf to take shelter in the Cine-a-Sorrow theater, a run down and presumbly abandoned movie theater.  Looks like a refuge out of the 1950s but with a Sci-Fi theme in the sense of automaton robots holding independent thought and given menial tasks by their creator, Dr. Blackwood.  Blackwood offers the safety of reinforced steel shutters and a completely sealed theater (that may or may not have been illegal human experimentation, a fire code and a terrifying notion).   In return, Rikk will be subjected to some of the worse films in cinema.   Blackwood wants to see how long or with what film Rikk ends up gacking himself with a concealed butter knife.

Joining Rikk in the battle of these horrific gobs of moving picture tripe, are Topsy Bot 5000 (Nick Evans of ICWXP), concession stand robot, dispenser of drinks and popcorn...and his arms don't work and Johnny Cylon (Zach Legler of ICWXP), the resident usher bot, making sure old ladies get through the aisles fine, teens aren't screwing in the back rows and that the candy/gum resin isn't making the floor sticky.

The bots haven't had to do any jobs of any sort given the theater shut down decades ago and their reasoning for being, the purpose they were created for has been taken from them. A metaphysical dichotomy is assured for their CPUs.  Blackwood long forgot about the bots and demands they too suffer through these flicks along with Rick.

So this week we look in horror at a low budget TV quality internet/straight-to-DVD series that has been cracking folks up for years and YOU were just not hip enough to know about it.  Hey, hey it's okay. Dry those tears and get on the bandwagon now. It doesn't matter if you are less cool than nerd devil Michael Bay or so unhip your pants fall around your knees, you're a rebel and here is your cause.

For more information on the cast and crew of this humble but fierce series, go to icwxp.com, catch them on Facebook and YouTube under AgonyWolf Media.

Cylon: Destroyer of Candy Forts.

Crónicas del horror español: The Vampires' Night Orgy

And we back for the week again. I might do a write-up on Saturday to give you at least 3 different films but the audio review for Psycho II was a bit exhausting. I have only done that one and Zombie Doom as far as capturing video so bear with me when I tell you that 8 minutes of footage took almost two hours to get just so. Moving right along I really wanted to find a copy of Satan's Blood but I need to buy one instead. Ugh, back burner you go. So with that bit of depressing news let's head to a small European village instead where the inhabitants seem a bit off, superstitious and fearful as we delve into The Vampires' Night Orgy a.k.a. Orgy of the Vampires, Grave Desires and Vampire Night Orgy.

First the spankings and then the oral sex!!!

Yup we got an award winning concept as who could pass up on any of these titles.

We open with a funeral in progress as the coffin is lowered into the ground, it cracks open to reveal a maggot infested corpse. Guess they were late and the whole party flees to the sounds of a big band number and drum solo kicking the action up...that wasn't there. After some gorgeous shots of the countryside we witness a bus load of tourists and workers all heading in the same estate as apparently they have jobs after. Tutors, professors, chamber maids and workers as a whole felt the need to be this far out in the country through their exposition. Plot device gardener's flower arrangement story was so boring, it gave the driver a mild heart attack and he... slightly swerved on the two lane road. HEAVENS!!!

With mild chest pains causing death, the trip is off to a good start. Dark omens people. With a quick bit of moving "the body" around and arranging a blanket over him, the rest of the party make their way to the estate with little to no problem. Pre-GPS, kiddies. In them days youse needed a map and you loved it!   Still loved the flute indicating the gruesome act of concealing the body from the little girl traveling.   Sadly no Edward Mannix voice over acting so that was a bit of a let down. The pleasant wafting music showing us an empty village, no church or people to be around.

C'mon sweetie. Just ignore the poop smell and go out and play.

No warning bells going off at all, people? They all just head right into the local tavern and proceed to take up rooms without worry of the staff or management getting angry. Heck one of the rooms has a creeper peephole into conveniently the cute blonde's room. 20 minutes before we get a vampire attack but feels like it was unnecessary, in the sense no vamp fangs revealed.

The locals are definitely revolting.

Human servants bustling about explain why the people were not available but Boris the impromptu mayor explains creepily how they had to bury a friend. His dub actor is bouncy and way over the top easily arousing suspicion but that's just crazy talk. Weird synthesizer music as a villager needs to sacrifice a leg for dinner. An American tourist also finds this strange but shrugs it off as it is simply a custom he is unfamiliar with and chalks it up to his ignorance Slowly but surely the members of the bus trip are disappearing left and right and Boris just scoffs at this as clearly they were trying to find their way in the village or the next one.

Will Hot Blond be next? Will American blood be too thick or sauce gravy like? Why would you do this to most of a town??

Director Leon Klimovsky (The Werewolf versus the Vampire Woman, Leap to Fame, La paz empieza nunca, The Dracula Saga, Mean Mother, Vengeance of the Zombies, The People Who Own the Dark and Night of the Walking Dead) pitches decent atmosphere and pacing, I just felt the dialogue was lost in the dubbing as it sounds like the cast is a bunch of whiny bitches through most of this film. The film stock is either damaged or I did not get the best version of this as it is really dark and difficult to make out the action half of the time. The townspeople are actually not really vampires as so much almost cannibals or some mad ghouls.

Most of the locations are around Madrid as was with the Count Dracula's Great Love flick but this seems to move more to the residing villages and then in Estudios Roma for the interior shots. Unfortunately my copy was very grainy so the print was not the best to be seen. Very mild nudity, a topless scene here and there so no orgy.   FALSE ADVERTISEMENT!!  That being said however, it was actually kind of creepy. Also the Countess was smoking hot so bonus.   No forced lesbian and/or whipping scenes of yesterday so all pluses across the board. A vast improvement. I was expecting some kinky, oil slicked up Jesus Franco BS and was surprised with a decent story and some folklore of Spain. 

Jeff Foxworthy: Vampire Hunter.