Rose Blood: A Friday the 13th Fan Film

 Hello again, readers of the Rotten and I realize I have not written anything since February but alas, this blog does not pay me at all. You can understand how why I would continue with freelance writing that actually pays the bills. With a slight lull between assignments, I was asked to take a peek at a fan film that has had serious buzz about it. A continuation of Part VII: The New Blood. For those of you following at a distance, envision an undead, mongoloid hillbilly with a hockey mask fetish and you'll be right with the rest of us Voorhees fans. This is Rose Blood: A Friday the 13^th Fan Film. 

 

Got yer nose!..or throat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remember kids, this is a semi-professional film with no studio backing and solely raised money for such via Indiegogo.com. Harken with me to the Way Back Machine as 13 months after the events of Part VII occurred, Jason was dosed in flames and Tina's dead father (yup, never dragged the lake for his body) pulls Voorhees down in the depths rather nicely, Tina and Nick barely escaped with their lives. 

Flashback Tina (Jessica Hottman of And The All Blew Away, Shadow of a Doubt, Rose Blood: A Friday the 13^th Fan Film, The Perfect Find and Facade) was captured and brought to the newly completed Crystal Lake Research Facility (previously mentioned and outright thrashed by Voorhees in Jason X). Apparently Uncle Sam needs psionic warriors to keep freedom reigning...probably attack the Russians with espers(extra sensory projectors), feeding them false info or assassination via stroke. Hey! It's 1989 and they're spending money like crazy of defense and offense, so why not on bio-weapons?

Your cotton jammies itchy too?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All this falls under the purview of General Brackbower (actor/writer/director Peter Anthony of Vengeance, Red Swan, Reflections: Project Chameleon, Rose Blood and Z Dead End) and Dr. Sykes (David E. McMahon of NS404: Provenance, I Am Going to Kill Someone This Friday, Seeing Evil, 10/31 Part 2, Sharp Candy, Obsidian, Teacher Shortage and 13 Slays Til X-Mas).

Flash forward to 30 years later at the Hodder Mental Institute, Tina (Lar Park-Lincoln of Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood, Knots Landing, Beverly Hills, 90210, From the Dark, Gravestoned, Sky Sharks and 13 Fanboy) is trying to not use her powers, to not be extraordinary but to be one of the good norms. Minor problem there is her former psychiatrist Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser of From a Whisper to a Scream, The Return of the Six-Million-Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman, Murder, She Wrote, Friday the 13^th Part VII: The New Blood, Weekend at Bernie's, Chameleons, Side Out, Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman and Walker, Texas Ranger) seems to be haunting her. We know he's haunting her because Jason diced him like a set of spare ribs.  Well...the MPAA neutered several scenes in Part VII so not sure if it was quite the spare ribs treatment, but the point is Tina is having a bit of a time with the dead.

This mask is pretty durable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flashback Tina (Jessica Hottman) is being pushed harder and harder by Dr. Sykes than even Dr. Crews did but it's more subtle and yes he attempts to be her Yoda. Sith choke him Tina. She's been held there to "get better" for over a year, not even allowed to go to her late mother's funeral. Jason still remains in the lake, for now at least but how long with that last? Sykes passes the buck, claiming he'll have to check with the military. Spineless jack rabbit.

Trying to boost her abilities at the behest of one of the many Jason victims and characters with a stake in it, Creighton Duke (Jequient Broaden of Rose Blood: A Friday the 13^th Fan Film and Slasher Scotty), a character from Part 9:Jason Goes to Hell and it was never fully explained but the fans believed he was related to camp counselor Sissy from Part 6, but for some reason Jason Goes to Hell never went out of its way to explain that. Time constrains, budget balancing, body hopping entity Jason. It was a garbled mess. Maybe this is where Duke learned to dish out information one broken finger at a time.  His phone conversation made it sound like scholarship boxer Julius from Part 8 was his son. DUN DUN DUN!!

Getting away from the story for now, let's talk production value. The main story is all based (no pun intended) in the facility so less issue with sets. The flashbacks feel 80s from the chosen music, posters, clothes and dialogue. This is some actual research. As a child from the 80s I would have to plow through at least 15 popular TV series and hit the flicks for lingo and comments so it would feel genuine and this does. Camera work, lighting and sound all in the green, baby! Only thing needed now is a slight grain to 35mm film stock and we're watching an 80s film.

what do you mean Nick's fighting vampires with another girl?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But enough of the raving on excellent camera work and great sound quality, let's get back to our main character Rose (Sanae Loutsis of The Black String, Beloved Beast, Vengeance, The Parish, Rose Blood: A Friday the 13^th Fan Film and Friday the 13^th Vengeance 2: Bloodlines) who power levels rival that of Tina's and apparently, she too has a psychic link to the world's most pissed off goalie from the dead.

Military knuckle knobs apparently subscribe to the Steele and Captain Rhodes behavior protocol via Day of the Dead. Yes, they're assholes if that wasn't clear enough.  64 minutes into the film as all this back story and subplots make way before we see our slasher in act 3 and brother this fella ratchets up the gore and tension.  Understand that I am very partial to both C.J. Graham of Jason Lives and Kane Hodder of 7,8,9 and Jason X, so when I say Jason Brooks delivers, I'm not fooling around.  Height wise he is imposing, he adopted that odd head tilt Hodder always did and gore is being served.

Jason (Jason Brooks of You Don't Get Out, Experiment TC-9585, Happy Trails, Vengeance, Up All Night, Zombiegeddon and Watchdogs) is making mincemeat out of the military and doing that teleportation around the compound like the good old days. (I'm serious, the game got it right. The dude ports like Nightcrawler and then turns people into death pinatas)

Just for clarification, these kids are being held against their will as wards of the state. NO ONE even knows where they are, who they are with or if they are even alive. All for a black ops mission to capture the undead, mongoloid, murderous hillbilly. Which this brilliant general will turn into a series of bio-weapons. Look I know the Bush administration, coming off of Reagan allowed for many operations but you're telling me the Pentagon approved of this?

The dynamic of Rose and Tina is well connected from the performances. They're almost sisters in a way, given Tina is very maternal with her and has a near big sister/foster mom vibe looking out for Rose and the bond is growing fast.  Make no mistake, these two steal this movie.

This most obscure Friday the 13^th reference was Dr. Sykes talking about his sister is probably marrying FBI Mahoney and the only Mahoney I remember is during the gun down sting operation in Jason Goes to Hell and he was assigned to quote "Clean that shit up."by the agent in charge, Abernathy.  About had a mild stroke remembering that scene.   Last time I saw Jason Goes to Hell was when I reviewed it.

So what do we have? Impressive cast, solid story linking previous titles of the franchise and a decent set of story arcs and subplots giving this credence to be among the originals. Professional crew managing some difficult shooting in the space they were allotted but damn if they didn't pull it off.

For a moment, I did wonder why Jennifer Banko (Friday the 13^th Part 7: A New Blood, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Nowhere Man, Barb Wire, Cheerleader Camp: To the Death and 13 Fanboy) wasn't called in to play to reprise Young Tina, annnnd then it dawned on me that she might have some difficulty passing herself off as a teen. Curves will do that.

 

 

Can you imagine how bad this undead dude smells?

Amityville Uprising

 Good day Readers of Rotten, I was staying away from Horror until I was looking through IMDB and saw bombastic and snooty remarks made on Thomas Churchill's creation. Thomas Churchill as many of you may remember as a writer and director of the following: The Day of the Living Dead, Check Point, The Emerging Past Director's Cut, The Rack Pack, The Hard Way, Nation's Fire Xenophobia, and The Amityville Moon. So what's with the hatred? With the collective production companies of Action House, Church Hill Productions and Lions Gate Entertainment, we have an environment survival horror/action film. This is Amityville Uprising.

Seriously doc, crack a window in here. Phew.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes I know, folks are tired of the title Amityville usage but several Indie Horror films have managed some clever concoctions, so let's give it a chance before we have preconceived notions.

A small town adjacent to an existing military base is going on about its usual daily activities. Unbeknownst to the townies, the base was involved in a highly experimental conglomerate of chemicals that would have dire effects. "He tampered in God's domain." So with our plot device into effect, a massive explosion blasting the town of Amityville. The aerial shots covering this was quite impressive, as the facility has gone completely tits up, the military assigned find bodies strewn all about. With this assortment of chemicals released into the atmosphere, a pending bout of acid rain will happen, the people have been warned but you have seen how well Americans reacted to Covid, so expect mass stupidity.

Ox Hungry!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Attempting to keep the peace, civilians are running in droves as the acid rain produced something else. Walking corpses rising from the ground they dropped on and in the search of fresh meat.

With the cops being swarmed by civvies and the undead, our team are trying to keep their cool and smoke some Zed Heads.

With level headed Sgt. Dash (Scott C. Roe of Dollhouse, The Stalker Within, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, J. Edgar, Road to Marakesh, NCIS, General Hospital, Megalodon, Alien Warfare, The Dawn and Big Freaking Rat), Lt. Howie Stevenson (Tank Jones of The Devil's Tomb, The Broken Hearts Club, Dollhouse CSI: Miami, Breaking Bad, Easy Rider 2: The Ride Home, The Sparrows: Nesting and Union Bound), tattooed bad ass Detective Lance McQueen (Mike Ferguson of Axegrinder 2, Meathook Massacre Part VI: Bloodline, The Devils Heist, 5G Zombies, Angry Asian Murder Hornets, The Beast Beneath, Arachnado and A Cry in the Dark) and officers Malloy (Troy Fromin of Street Soldiers, The Perfect Weapon, Saved by the Bell, A Doggone Christmas, A Doggone Hollywood, Bikini Car Wash Massacre, Horndogs Beach Party, Killer Waves 2, The Stalker, High Rise and Amityville Uprising) and Rossi (Kelly Lynn Reiter of Holy Terror, The Z Virus, Harker: The Awakening, Halloween Pussy Trapp Kill! Kill!, Dead De La Creme,How to Get Over a Breakup and Nation's Fire) are all that can hold back the zombie onslaught.

Aw man, I got brains on my shoes! Damn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not enough crazy in this fustercluck? How about Dash and his son Jimmy(Kole Benfield of YA Campaign Ambition, The Rack Pack, Nation's Fire, Amityville Uprising and Devilreaux)having a strained relationship DURING A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK. Dammit boy, keep that crap down until the crazy is handled. It is an actual heartwarming performance between the two. I saw something similar in 30 Days and Night but that portrayal came up short compared to the Dash family. Emoting and having a rapport between a father and son in the course of virulent epidemic? How many films successfully pull that off?

 

The biggest complaint from critics of this movie has been the pacing. God forbid a bit of foreshadow and putting characters together showing strengths and weaknesses, right? The pace for me felt like how an 80s action drama was setting everyone, the plot and the major antagonists into play against our heroes. Personally? I am grateful of fleshing out the players and allows for more of a connection to these people, making you wonder who will survive and who will sacrifice themselves for the good of the others? That's how you build suspense.

I would like to take the time to point out Thomas Churchill has also acted. My favorite to date is his fixer/bar owner character from Syndicate Smasher. The team dropped a couple of keys on his table and we both screamed "What the F*ck?!" He was genius in that. His rant would have impressed Joe Pesci. Yes that last tidbit was really for me.

Back to his technical prowess, this aerial shots, low pans, looks like some handheld giving a near claustrophobic sensation as we get into the police station. Hell even the lighting set an eerie as Hell mood. Grab your Raccoon City green herbs, boomsticks and flashbang grenades lady and gents.

The vibe I got from this flick was a mixture of Romero's Dawn of the Dead and Lucio Fulci/Bruno Mattei/Claudio Fargasso's Zombi 3. With the outbreak, civilian mass panic and seeking aid from the cops alone, and yet they question why they aren't doing enough. Ugh. Poor cops.

So let's look at the overall. Plot device for the pandemic? Check. Likeable characters? Check. Replay-ability? Check. We got a solid zombie story with some gruesome gores, next to no lame ass jump scares and it does grip you. Really think Mike got some of the best one-liners in this. He delivered. Frankly, I felt the pace was at a good speed, allowed for a build-up by the 40 minute mark and then just balls out guns blazing, zombies getting smacked. So naysayers; if you feel you have to bash a film, give me something more tangible than it's so slow or this sucks. 

 If you haven't sat through a Jesus Franco movie, you don't get to tell me what sucked. 

 

Contortionist zombie! Run!

 

Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold

 Howdy Rotten Readers! Well I felt we could stay away from Horror and that means we're gonna dive into some more Blaxploitation. We will be heading back to the 6'2" heroine with a mean mule kick and dead eye aim. This is Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold. 

 

You're very tall, Rupaul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our amazonian agent Cleo Jones (Tamara Dobson of Cleopatra Jones of Fuzz, Cleopatra Jones, Murder at the World Series, Jason of Star Command, Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century, Chained Heat and Amazons) gets a call from her superiors about a couple of her fellow agents, the Johnson brothers, Matthew (Albert Popwell of The Peace Killers, Dirty Harry, Night Gallery, Fuzz, Search, Cleopatra Jones, Magnum Force, The Single Girls, The Enforcer, Steel Cowboy and Sudden Impact) and Melvin (Caro Kenyatta of Night Gallery, Trader Horn, Cleopatra Jones, The Young Nurses, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold and Uncle Joe Shannon), from the first film have been captured by a notorious casino owner known as the Dragon Lady (Stella Stevens of Say One for Me, The Nutty Professor, The Silencers, The Poseidon Adventure, Adventures Beyond Belief, Down the Drain, Santa Barbara, The Terror Within II, Eye of the Stranger, South Beach, Little Devils: The Birth, Hard Drive, Molly & Gina and Illicit Dreams), a militant lesbian with world conquering objectives. Again another lesbian drug queen-pin. Yeah even Doctor Doom can't top that.

 

We get you Happy Ending, no sweat!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ms. Jones finds the boys were shanghaied in Hong Kong and she'll need local information. Ultimately she's looking for a guide and not a partner but she's getting both with Mi Ling (Ni Tien of Shui wei cai, My Darling Slaves, The Rat Catcher, Forbidden Tales of Two Cities, All in the Family, Wu qi bu you, Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold, Black Magic 2, Crocodile, Little Dragon Maiden and Edge of Darkness) also known as Tanny, Ling has the goods on the Dragon Lady in knowing her Macaoian casino is also importing heroin and distribution to the masses.

Cleo and Tanny whoop some serious ass in the infamous Walled City, working side by side like true partners cleaning out a den of scum and villainy.  No they're not in Mos Eisley. The best part of this is a bike gang joins them in their struggles in order to crash through the casino.

Most of the story unfolds like a Bond movie, minus Cleopatra isn't seducing women left and right. The violence levels as well as sex isn't anywhere near a Pam Grier flick. Dobson refused to do any nudity and overall the film feels like a spy drama than it did blaxploitation. As for as action and fighting is concerned, this movie ratchets up the drama. Solid gunfights and plenty of chase sequences. That even surpasses the original film. Stevens actually had some training with a sword. Take that Christopher Lambert!

 

 It's Cleo. Ms. Jones, if yer nasty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 We have enough martial arts in this flick to give it a Hong Kong Cinema vibe as well. The Shaw Brothers were heavily involved with our movie as they were WB's Hong Kong Kung Fu flicks go-to guys. To say it is a trifle confusing is like saying Ghengsis Khan was a bit adventurous.

Between bikes flying around as much as the lead being spewed, Cleo reminds the kids they aren't Evel Knievel. Maybe a bit of Steve McQueen via The Great Escape buuuut, more of the tossing a baseball at a wall rather than the bike stunts.

 

I still love that her previous handler Crawford (Dan Frazer of Take the Money and Run, Tick, Tick Tick, Fuzz, Cleopatra Jones and Deconstructing Harry) mattered so little (in spite of helping her in the first movie) that they don't even go into detail while he wasn't handling her case files anymore. Instead I got the best laugh when Mr. Roper (character actor Norman Fell of The Good Life, Love, American Style, The Heist, McCloud, Three's Company, Needles and Pins, Rabbit Test and The End)as Stanley Hagel. If he was any less hip, his pants would be around his ankles.

I was a little bummed that Mrs. Johnson (Esther Rolle of Nothing But a Man, The Bold Ones: The Senator, Who Says I Can't Ride a Rainbow!, Cleopatra Jones, Maude, Summer of My German Soldier, The Incredible Hulk and Good Times) wasn't a reprise. I mean her boys have been abducted for crying out loud!

The god awful silver eyeshadow Cleo wears has been dabbed on by Dobson rather than a proper makeup artist. No idea why that happened but it did. The film and its precursor was released on DVD by 2010. WB released it on an inferior version (looked like a conversion from VHS to DVD) in 2004. 

 

Hey man, this ain't L.A. Knock that off.

 

 

 

 

 

 Like many sequels they are deemed inferior to the predecessors. This film has enough going for it but I do understand why this didn't have the draw as the original did. Fast paced it may be, but the story felt a bit too close to the original and really lacked a cohesive story path of its own.

Maybe the audience wasn't digging the scene as there was a dip in blaxploitation by 1976. So The Mechanic and Dirty Harry series were more viewed? Cleo is not quite the anti-hero there so this could be the reason behind that standing. Overall I felt it could have benefited from a third movie to round out the series but due to the lack of ticket sales, WB just didn't see a third film was likely.

 

Fine, Mr. Roper. I'll smack Jack.

 

Mansion of the Living Dead

What's this? A gaggle of jiggly girls that work at a topless bar? A vacation that may go awry? Gobsmack oodles of nudity, all with a horror theme? Why this has to be the work of prolific pornographer/hardcore/softcore and horror erotica, Jesus Franco (White Skin Black Thighs, Ilsa, the Wicked Warden, Kiss Me Killer, Voodoo Passion, Wicked Women, Women in Cellblock 9, Cannibal Terror Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake. Oasis of the Zombies and Alone Against Terror). 

Quick question, who in the nine hells requested me to review this??  Well, I suppose it won't be too painful.   This is Mansion of the Living Dead. 

 

The blocking is this way. Hoist those bewbs, girls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Given the references of Blind Dead characters, I am guessing some folk are feeling this is somehow linked to the Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead quadrilogy. SPOILERS! It's not. I have a feeling whoever requested it, full-on knew it! Yeah I'm a bit irked. 

We open with monks vacating a monastery in orderly fashion.Why they are wearing masks left over from the last Day of the Dead festival, no clue. And then they buggered off.

 Four colleagues, Lea (Mari Carmen Nieto of Mansion of the Living Dead, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro, Blood on My Shoes, Alone Against Terror, The Sexual Story of O, Night Has a Thousand Desires, Lilian and Una rajita para dos), the constantly randy Caty (Elisa Vela of Mansion of the Living Dead, Confesiones intimas de una exhibicionista, Cries of Pleasure and Fury in the Tropics), ditzy Mabel (Mabel Escano of La promesa, Las camareras, Foul Play, Curro Jimenez, Cabo de vara, Mi adultero esposo and The National Mummy) and lovely Candy (Lina Romay of Female Vampire, Mansion of the Living Dead, Pick-Up Girls, Oasis of the Zombies, Night of Open Sex, Revenge in the House of Usher, Diamonds of Kilimandjaro,White Cannibal Queen,Fury in the Tropics and Angel of Death) all work at the same topless bar and have a fairly tight knit relationship. None of that back stabbing, trying to steal clients away from one another. 

 I was stunned to see the girls arriving in what I believe was Franco's fetish: Terrycloth Shorty shorts and high heels. The women in his flicks do seem to almost always wearing them. 

 They apparently really put their backs into work that they need a weekend away from Munich and off to Gran Canaria or the Canary Islands via Spain for those unaware of the region. With the recommendation of the travel agency, the girls went to a dream hotel right next to the beach is all the girls could hope for.  Given this is an 80s Italian horror jiggly film, they'll need penis and booze before they are sated. 

 

They are the Monks, the Loneliest Monks. huh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The place seems completely deserted and yet none of these girls' survival instincts are kicking in? And by deserted, I mean the town in question. With all their collective giggling and jiggling, they really hadn't noticed how empty the town appears to be, scoff at it as everyone must be at the beach.  A building with more than 300 rooms, the streets on the way to said hotel and COMPLETELY DEVOID OF LIFE!!!  Oh I know, they're probably all at the beach. Yes this line is used over 5 times! WAKE UP!!! You're in a bad Twilight Zone episode, your lives are forfeit if you don't act now!!  

With the only person about, the regional manager Carlos Savonarola (Antonio Mayans of Emmanuelle y Carol, White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, Hellhole Women, Zombie Lake, Pick-Up Girls, Emmanuelle Exposed, Revenge in the House of Usher, Alone Against Terror, The Panther Squad, Angel of Death and Fury in the Tropics) is giving the ladies the grand tour and leads them all to their rooms. Oh wait, no he doesn't. He gives them their keys and vague directions to their room. Prick.  Ladies reading this blog, he is giving either a lecherous eye or a full-on John Carradine creeper eye. Whichever it may be, you'd mace him, knee him in the balls and run, right? 

 

Udo Walken: for all your creeper needs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guy looks like a hybrid of Udo Kier and Christopher Walken. Stranger Danger!!!  There are more than 600 rooms, but Udo Walken wants the lot of you on other ends of the quad. They're booked solid. Really? Are you? Show me these people! Show me their cars, trucks, jeeps, Hell even those fruity little scooters! SHOW ME EVERYONE!!! 

 By this point, the girls should be hitting him with heavy objects and running for their lives.  Also, what the hell, German travel agency?   This hotel pay you in blood money?  5,000 deutch marks just get slipped your way every month?  Was the ramshackle hotel in Eaten Alive booked?  Thank goodness. That way the girls don't die via crocodile and the Lord's will.   Guess the girls will be bummed knowing that they could have been with Buck and he likes to...fornicate. Yeah this is still a PG-13 blog, get over it.   Could have made a stop-off at Motel Hell as well.  Farmer Vincent always sets a nice table. 

 

And now my friends, I must appease the male horndog readers. YUP nudity. Buckets of it! Faux lesbian scenes, tanning topless scenes, shower scenes, solo scenes, so much nudity you will forget this is a horror film. Sorry ladies. I felt you should be warned and it starts at the 8 minute and 37 second mark, which is a bit of restraint of Franco's behalf. Just going by Zombie Lake and Oasis of the Zombies time slot for jiggly tits getting freed. 

 Shot in Panavision, the sound is sadly in mono, so it dips in and out. Probably an effect corrected with an updated DVD or Blu-Ray version. Sadly, my POS viewing was the direct from VHS to DVD so no one cleaned up the picture or sound. Yay me!  I also have the English subtitle not the English dubbed version. 

What does faux lesbian mean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This movie is an hour and 37 minutes long and you feel every swing of the pendulum like the Sword of Damocles hanging over your tacky head. Also a wide-screen version. Not even sure if this wasn't also a video error via compression. 

 Is this a worthwhile film? No. Is there any justifiable reason for watching it? No. Look, if you're horny, there's ridiculous amounts of porn. I'm not judging. These characters are simply too stupid to be alive. They would have been hit by buses, fallen through a uncovered manhole, a sandstorm would have stripped their flesh off. A plague of locusts would have eaten their bits. What I am getting at is, they are less than believable as human beings. I am surprised they don't have to remind each other to breathe in and out.

 We get past the 8 minute mark, the girls are either fooling around with one another, roaming topless or engaged in their faux lesbian shenanigans. 

The plot is more micro-thin than a spandex thong! What's the plot? I'll help you. Titty. Character development? How titties are doing. Character death? Whose titties are no longer available. Potential evil killer cult? Dislikes titties. 

 Yeah I really could have done without this flick. PLEASE STOP asking for Jesus Franco film reviews! I beg you!

Hi. We're here for the Scream audition.

 

Psycho Santa

Hello Readers! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Gracious Kwanzai and Happy Life Day!!!

As I have been writing freelance I have been away from the blog for some time. It has been requested by a few fans that we need a Christmas horror movie review. I shudder to think that people actually still read this blog but no accounting for taste I suppose.

Today's movie will be no exception in taste, poise and grace. We delve into an anthology of horror that we are supposed to occur in this region of three tales that are loosely linked to one another. This is Psycho Santa.

 

Santa's got no time for chimneys!

 

 

 

 

 

Filmed via DV tape brought to us This Is Not a Dream Productions. We have a girl roaming a junkyard as she's being pursued by a guy in a Santa suit with a serrated blade and then credits. Thought we are getting our first kill and...credits. Cut to couple Ron and Jess as they prepare to go to a Christmas party but Ron seems to have a lack of enthusiasm...for the party, life, his marriage. Seriously his performance is more wooden than a pine tree.

Ron (Jeff Samford of Psycho Santa and Dead Clowns) and Jess (Michelle Samford of Cadaver Bay and Psycho Santa) start the typical unhappy married couple banter of complaining on how long she takes to get ready and how awful his sweater is. I was hoping for a Kane Hodder smash through the window and gack them both. C'mon, doesn't anyone want to see Kane Hodder decked out as a Santa murdering a bickering couple, dressed as a mall Santa? Instead we are treated to public domain Santa cartoon as Ron gets off his ass to load up in the truck, where he can continue to bitch about the length of the drive out into the boonies to party with HIS BEST FRIENDS. Yeah, he's filled with Christmas cheer. Ron sensing Jess is not thrilled with his shitball attitude, lightens the mood telling her a story of a series of murder in the neighborhood during Christmas of a nutter in a Santa suit. Yup, that will ease the tension. Guess he didn't know enough cannibal jokes, small talk or anything of actual use. Just put on the radio, doughy boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

So three girls meet up at a cabin every Christmas and I guess engage with each other, sacrifice a reindeer to their dark lord and master or just have to fulfill a nudity film clause. A Psycho Santa Clause! Trust me, that is a better joke than I heard in this movie. Two of the girls arrive earlier and their friend Sarah doesn't appear to be at the house yet but all the presents are around the tree. So clearly one of them needs a long shower scene to show off her multiple piercings. PLOT POINT! After her shower, she and other girl. I'm not even being a jerk, they never call each other by their names and IMDB lists them both as Sarah's friend. WTF??!! One of the girls goes outside to get three rocks while the clearly dye job redhead showers. This goes on for more than 4 minutes splicing rock finder's searching b-roll footage with sleazy, poorly lit shower b-roll footage propelling me into a sense of utter boredom. Clearly it is time to get in our Fredricks of Hollywood lingerie, telling ghost stories, listening to bought music and half-ass dance. Because Christmas.

We get Ron explaining what could have been done with a few cut scenes but nope this film tells you the killer came in, killed Sarah, wrapped a few parts in Christmas boxes and did the same to the two girls. Now while that would have been mildly gruesome, you place a box over one of the girls' heads, put some tissue in to cover the hole and put the box lid over it. End scene. We got none of that. I have to hear everything from crappy ghost story, how they danced, collected rocks and DID NOT even worry about Sarah still not being there but get to the potential creepy gore scenes and that's just given to us via derpy Ron's exposition. What in the nine hells, movie?

Our next story involves a couple of burglars and are they a crackerjack team. By that, I think they were freaking out on sugar and caramel corn. Taking close to 2 minutes to pick the locks, our burglars lit by the street lamps and instead of going through the back door, best to be out front looking very obvious as burglars. Makes me wonder if they even had permits to film and the cops got called on them. That would have been entertaining hearing these two cry out, "We're making a movie! God please don't shoot us!"

No gloves for this crack team of pros as they go for the picture of the safe. Yeah they couldn't even go to a place with a safe, so they printed out a picture of a safe to represent the safe. If we turn off a few lights it will, still look like picture of a safe. Our homeowner is blind and thus cannot see the two in the house, in spite she still has ears, a nose smelling their B.O.and in general the rest of her senses are heightened. Secretly she's an attorney by day but by night she's Daredevil.  

 

Santa is burning calories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bumble-some burglars decide to drown her in her bathtub because she could have identified them to the cops. She walked right by them as they were boosting her stuff. They were perfectly safe. Locked in a closet, blind woman had a loony locked away and now he's loose with a craving for blood. No, not really. Burglar #2 gets offscreened to death and with a crap green filter on the camera we see Burglar #1 speared in the eye with a candy cane sign. With no screams, minor blood and a crap orchestral music. Chilling. Hubby of blind woman drops plot point to officer in charge that Chris was locked away for being a naughty boy but the whacko basket. Sorry, sorry. I mean insane asylum was conveniently burned down and everyone assumed Chris burned up with it. How he got the gasoline to do this or his murder sign is a mystery.  Yup, no arson case follow-up for this building, just head up ass vision on how real life operates. Yes, this movie makes Christmas Evil seem as thrilling and scary as The Exorcist.

Chris has apparently broken into a random woman's house, due to poor continuity he somehow teleported behind said woman, which means he had to come in through the bathroom with no windows. Maybe he came up through the crapper, much like most of this film. No actual death scene but girl flops on bed with a head wound. You are making Bloody Murder 1 look like a Friday the 13^th, movie!  Then it's day time and Chris Santa kills a random kid in the woods but at least we got to see that death scene. 

 

Between the lack of blocking, direction, audio corrections, proper editing this looks like a high-schooler's attempt at directing a horror film. None of these stories lineup well and it is a lot of details that Ron would never have had available because police would have squashed the information on a on-going investigation.  The perfect plot twist would be Ron is actually Chris but then we would have required Ron to "act" and that is asking far too much. So they have gas issues, Ron farted in the truck or they hit a reindeer, they have to stop the truck. Shocking Chris kills them.

There's no creativity, mystery, suspense or even intrigue for this movie. POV shots were fair but the camera made enough noise that it drowns the audio. The actors couldn't care less about the project and their performances illustrate that mindset.

I would rather watch paint dry or be forced to edit Barney the Dinosaur episodes. The only thing this film is good for is examples how to not recreate this movie.

 

Sure hope my shower isn't interrupted with murder.

Night of the Animated Dead

 Howdy readers of the Rotten! Well we are almost to Halloween and I have had some scouring for different titles and bizarre stories, when I came across this interesting little gem. Due to losing all rights to his own intellectual property; the late George Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Knightriders, Creepshow, The Dark Half and Land of the Dead) spawned a tremendous love for the zombie horror sub-genre. Many have used this same time over and over as homage or a means to get their feet wet in the industry with these gore-fueled nightmares. Hemisphere Entertainment throws their hat in the ring with an animated retelling of the 1968 cult classic with accomplished and enthusiastic voice cast, bringing us back to that terrifying night. This is Night of the Animated Dead. 

 

Mob of zombies or disgruntled Packers fans?

 

 

 

 

 

With classic hand drawn cells vs the 3-D CGI 2012 creation, the movie unfolds in that faithful cemetery visit to the grave with Barbara (Katherine Isabelle of Ginger Snaps, Carrie, Stargate SG-1, Freddy Vs Jason, Sanctuary, Supernatural, 30 Days of Night: Dark Days, American Mary and The Green Sea) and anal retentive grump brother, Johnny (Jimmi Simpson of Loser, Rose Red, D.E.B.S., Seraphim Falls, Date Night, Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter, Westworld and Shriver) who winges on about the drive, how it has ruined his Sunday and in general, being an ass.

No sooner has the wreath been delivered and prayers been said, Barbara is nearly assaulted by a zombie who Johnny attempts to body check, only to crack his coconut on a marble slab (First one of you shouts spoilers, I would point out this is plot based from the 1968 original) and he is down for the count. Barbara makes her way on foot to a seemingly empty farmhouse for shelter, only to run into some more gruesome ghoulies. 

 

Well, it's either zombies or beaver pelt smells.

 

 

 

 

 

Enter Ben (Dule Hill of Sugar Hill, Color of Justice, She's All That, The Guardian, Miss Dial, Pysch, Doubt, Psych: The Movie, Suits, Psych 2: Lassie Come Home, Hypnotic, Muppet Babies and Psych 3: This Is Gus). Our tall, gruff protagonist that whoops some undead ass, secures the house and gets Barbara to realize the object danger that she is in. With meager barricades, a few Zeds violently dispatched, Ben tries to reason with Barbara on their level of supplies, weapons and the fact this house is littered with wood scraps. Previous owner must have died from sheer exhaustion, collecting all these wood scraps. Or this house momentarily belonged to a family of beavers. Take your pick. Make no mistake, folks. This sucker is rated R for the zombie gore. We're in a medium allowing more visual and visceral goings on. 

 

Pep Boys' sales pitch just not working.

 

 

 

 

 

There are differences to be sure. Case in point, we actually get a flashback with Ben making his way from town.  Good ole Beakman's Diner turned into a slaughterhouse but ZERO CRICKETS CHIRPING, so I was already thrilled to see and hear this.  Naturally our four additional survivors make their way up from the cellar and we get the smattering of dialogue expected.  While I am a huge Josh Duhamel (Win a Date With Tad Hamilton!, Crossing Jordan, Las Vegas, When In Rome, Movie 43, Safe Haven, Battle Creek, ) fan , I loved how Karl Hardman's Harry Cooper sounded like a pissed off 1930s radio announcer.  Sorry Josh. 

 

Bad table manners! Bad girl!

 

 

 

 

 

Whether or not Mr. Cooper will hang with us, we have his wife Helen ( Nancy Travis of Three Men and a Baby, The Vanishing, So I Married An Axe Murderer, Greedy, Duckman, Almost Perfect, Becker, The Bill Engvall Show, Rose Red, Married Young and Last Man Standing) and hapless (not to mention brainless )couple Judy (Katee Sackoff of Battlestar Galactica, Halloween: Resurrection, Oculus, Call of Duty: Black Ops III, Don't Knock Twice, Longmire, The Flash, Star Wars Rebels, The Mandalorian, Robot Chicken and Another Life) and Tom (Jame Roday Rodriguez of First Years, Providence, Miss Match, The Dukes of Hazzard, Psych, WWE Raw, Baby,Baby, Baby, Christmas Eve, Pushing Dead, Psych: The Movie, Buddy Games, Psych 2 Lassie Come Home, A Million Little Things and Psych 3: This Is Gus)

And yes Psych fans, both Shawn and Gus are voicing in this. Yeah I got a good laugh too.

The animation style is similar to an era like the Super Powers days...only with tons of flesh rending and blood caked gore. Great voice work overall and clearly this was done with a certain amount of passion for the subject matter. Grey matter that is.

Ultimately this is a love letter to the Godfather of the zombies, cherishing the original and another version of what you have already seen in the black and white. We're not breaking new ground but it's not meant to. It is meant to showcase some animation talent and voice cast credentials. For the haters that complain the pace is too slow, it's duplicating the formula on how certain film was striding in the day. I guess folk born after 1985 are unfamiliar without a film not relying on an ass-load of jump scares and two-dimensional, douche dialogue.

At 71 minutes, the flick delivers what it set out to do and I had fun making cartoon references and riffs throughout the movie, but I do that kind of crap through "A-list"cinema as well. Grab it for a goof, surprise people with this dark cartoon. Hell, make a drinking game out of it. I had a blast with it. 

 So here's to retouching on a cult classic. Keep an ear out for MAD TV and Sh*t My Dad Says alumni,Will Sasso as the Sheriff. The man can deliver.

FYI, watch the Riff Trax version of the original Night of the Living Dead. You enjoy the snark and riffs.

Bit overkill for this squirrel hunt, Sheriff.

 

Horrortales.666 Part 2

 Hey there, Readers of the Rotten! I was requested by producer/writer/actor/director Phil Herman (Hell on Earth II: The Arena of Death, Burglar from Hell, Tales for the Midnight Hour, HorrorTales.666, Into the Woods,Sickened and Morbid Stories) with C Word Productions (Lycanimator, Slimoids, Ouija Mummy and Hey Alice) along with production of cult and B movies, The Sleaze Box (Amerikan Holokaust, Cannibal Claus, Chaso A.D., Death-Scort Service, and Earth Girls Are Sleazy) to give today's movie a gander.

This would be an indie horror anthology. I know that sounds so unusual on my blog he said sarcastically, but I am more than willing to give it an objective view.  All kidding aside, our story starts with a burglar breaking into the wrong house with the promise of Hell or journey through dark tales. This is HorrorTales.666 Part 2.

 

Do farts have lumps?

 

 

 

 

 

Our movie opens with a dedication to the late, great Scream Queen Julie Strain (136 films) who passed away in January this year and graced the original film with her role. Our credits with a speed metal number unveiling what is to come but offers no insight to what the film is going to be about. I like that as it gives some suspense, instead of those indie films that use footage of the movie and basically give you a barrage of spoilers you didn't ask for and ruins the overall vibe of the film. A quick text side scroll tells us the burglar is back from the previous film, giving a highlight of what occurred last time.

18 years prior, a burglar (Joel D. Wynkoop of Wicked Games, Creep, Addicted to Murder: Tainted Blood, Scary Tales, Evil Tales 3: The Final Chapter, HorrorTales.666, Before I Die, Joel D. Wynkoop's the Bite and Always Midnight) snuck into a house, found a computer loaded for taboo stories of darkness and he couldn't look away, reading one after the other. That's how he got pinched the first time. . 18 years later, that same burglar broke into yet another house with more disturbing stories for his reading pleasure. The nagging wife is driving him crackers about getting a job. Yeah because viable work is always available to ex-cons. There's...convenience store clerk after midnight, um...collecting recycling as early as 5 a.m. , maybe mopper at the nudey booths. Okay petty thievery may be his best option. 

 

Heckraiser.

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, this time an actual threat appears in the form of a deranged voice and then he manifests into...well either a rocker or possibly an evil hippie devil. (director/writer/producer/actor Jaysen Buterin of Monster X, Strange Events 2, Kill Giggles, Doctor Who: The Ginger Chronicles, Bombshell Bloodbath, Fix It in Post and Hellarious) Our devil taunts him, giving him the choice. Creepy as hell stories or the eternal agony of Hell itself. With as many options as a fish and chip shop, our burglar sits down for another round of terror induced tales.

Our first story is Open House. No doubt a happy couple trying to get a home of their own and something goes awry. Yes, yes I know. Jake, don't be so pessimistic. An absolute doll of a girl is busying herself with some arts and crafts...while two bodies are laying slump and had plastic bags used on them. Yes, I think we should question the little girl too but I am not sure if she didn't have anything to do with it.   In walks a shrouded killer who merely glances at the little girl and walks out. Yup she'll be fine.  A few inexpiable homicides, serious psychotherapy, eh she'll bounce right back.

Well, don't eat Taco Bell.

 

 

 

 

 Sue (Noellie Burger of Matthew and Ophelia's Wonderful World of Fun, Social Distance, Massacre Academy and 13 Fanboy)the new realtor has been tasked to get that property looking swanky and available for those new potential owners. I wonder if her firm does full disclosure. "Yes the kitchen is roomy, great countertops and we had a double homicide here ages ago." Beth and co-worker Kate start to prep a collective of pranks that could end badly for all.

Next story is The Last Farewell of Mr. Perez is a tale of Mr. Perez's final days on Earth. Ordinary I would expect an expensive bottle of hooch and a myriad of "Woe is me" when Perez has a true epiphany. An eye-opening experience, to know what his true purpose in life has always been. With the minuscule budget our film has, the effects are pretty impressive for this movie. While it feels more science fiction in appearance plot-wise, it's still a solid story.

As we move on to the next story, we gaze into the cheating heart of Mrs. Claus via Slay Ride. Yes Mrs. Claus is getting holly and jolly with one of Santa's little helpers. She's claiming his candy cane for the season. Unfortunately for these merry and bright, Santa is all too aware of this breaking and entering and seizes the opportunity to put them on the naughty list. Santa enjoys a wank before his murderous rage. Yup, you guessed it, there's titty. I know some of you were waiting to ask that. The gore gags could have been better but it covers it well enough.

Onto The Present with Larry (Kirk Sardonis of Drifter, Horrortales.666 Part 2 and Things 666) heading to his cellar to find his wife Julia (Roxxy Mountains of Drifter, Dark Zone Thirteen, Things 5, Horrortales.666 Part 2 and Things 666) and boy we wasted no time at all, right to the sex and the ultra ultra violence. Yes lady readers, there be even more titty. Yippey.

The last story, My Life this weird meta story line drags Dustin Hubbard and Phil Herman attempting to get work done on Horrortales.666 Part 2. Everyone under the sun and maybe a bit of Troma status is hounding the two for parts in the flick. 

 

Familiar faces like Shawn C.Phillips (MILFs vs Zombies, Director's Cut, Camp Blood 4, Camp Blood 5, Grindsploitation, The Killer Robots! Crash and Burn, Allusion , Bloody Island and Witchcraft 16: Hollywood Coven), Ari Lehman (Friday the 13^th, Night on Has Been Mountain, The Girl, House of Forbidden Secrets, Easter Sunday and Cheerleader Camp: To the Death), Debbie Rochon (Vampire's Kiss, Banned, Black Easter, Broadcast Bombshells, Santa Claws, Red Lips II, The Vampire's Seduction, In the Hood and Rage of the Werewolf) and Debbie D (Sorority Slaughter 2, Legal Entrapment, Play Dead, Destiny: Vampire Mermaid, Tales for the Midnight Hour, The Go-Go Girl Strangler!, Hayride Slaughter, Abducted! And Hayride Slaughter II).

With this film tallying out to an hour and 55 minutes, it does provide plenty eerie and morbid creativity. This shows clever directors giving it their all with a limited budget, proving they can compete with big budget horror having to push the envelope with more imagination. The variety of the films gives credence to an anthology. 

 

Hey kids! It's Debbie Rochon!