Psycho Santa

Hello Readers! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Gracious Kwanzai and Happy Life Day!!!

As I have been writing freelance I have been away from the blog for some time. It has been requested by a few fans that we need a Christmas horror movie review. I shudder to think that people actually still read this blog but no accounting for taste I suppose.

Today's movie will be no exception in taste, poise and grace. We delve into an anthology of horror that we are supposed to occur in this region of three tales that are loosely linked to one another. This is Psycho Santa.

 

Santa's got no time for chimneys!

 

 

 

 

 

Filmed via DV tape brought to us This Is Not a Dream Productions. We have a girl roaming a junkyard as she's being pursued by a guy in a Santa suit with a serrated blade and then credits. Thought we are getting our first kill and...credits. Cut to couple Ron and Jess as they prepare to go to a Christmas party but Ron seems to have a lack of enthusiasm...for the party, life, his marriage. Seriously his performance is more wooden than a pine tree.

Ron (Jeff Samford of Psycho Santa and Dead Clowns) and Jess (Michelle Samford of Cadaver Bay and Psycho Santa) start the typical unhappy married couple banter of complaining on how long she takes to get ready and how awful his sweater is. I was hoping for a Kane Hodder smash through the window and gack them both. C'mon, doesn't anyone want to see Kane Hodder decked out as a Santa murdering a bickering couple, dressed as a mall Santa? Instead we are treated to public domain Santa cartoon as Ron gets off his ass to load up in the truck, where he can continue to bitch about the length of the drive out into the boonies to party with HIS BEST FRIENDS. Yeah, he's filled with Christmas cheer. Ron sensing Jess is not thrilled with his shitball attitude, lightens the mood telling her a story of a series of murder in the neighborhood during Christmas of a nutter in a Santa suit. Yup, that will ease the tension. Guess he didn't know enough cannibal jokes, small talk or anything of actual use. Just put on the radio, doughy boy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

So three girls meet up at a cabin every Christmas and I guess engage with each other, sacrifice a reindeer to their dark lord and master or just have to fulfill a nudity film clause. A Psycho Santa Clause! Trust me, that is a better joke than I heard in this movie. Two of the girls arrive earlier and their friend Sarah doesn't appear to be at the house yet but all the presents are around the tree. So clearly one of them needs a long shower scene to show off her multiple piercings. PLOT POINT! After her shower, she and other girl. I'm not even being a jerk, they never call each other by their names and IMDB lists them both as Sarah's friend. WTF??!! One of the girls goes outside to get three rocks while the clearly dye job redhead showers. This goes on for more than 4 minutes splicing rock finder's searching b-roll footage with sleazy, poorly lit shower b-roll footage propelling me into a sense of utter boredom. Clearly it is time to get in our Fredricks of Hollywood lingerie, telling ghost stories, listening to bought music and half-ass dance. Because Christmas.

We get Ron explaining what could have been done with a few cut scenes but nope this film tells you the killer came in, killed Sarah, wrapped a few parts in Christmas boxes and did the same to the two girls. Now while that would have been mildly gruesome, you place a box over one of the girls' heads, put some tissue in to cover the hole and put the box lid over it. End scene. We got none of that. I have to hear everything from crappy ghost story, how they danced, collected rocks and DID NOT even worry about Sarah still not being there but get to the potential creepy gore scenes and that's just given to us via derpy Ron's exposition. What in the nine hells, movie?

Our next story involves a couple of burglars and are they a crackerjack team. By that, I think they were freaking out on sugar and caramel corn. Taking close to 2 minutes to pick the locks, our burglars lit by the street lamps and instead of going through the back door, best to be out front looking very obvious as burglars. Makes me wonder if they even had permits to film and the cops got called on them. That would have been entertaining hearing these two cry out, "We're making a movie! God please don't shoot us!"

No gloves for this crack team of pros as they go for the picture of the safe. Yeah they couldn't even go to a place with a safe, so they printed out a picture of a safe to represent the safe. If we turn off a few lights it will, still look like picture of a safe. Our homeowner is blind and thus cannot see the two in the house, in spite she still has ears, a nose smelling their B.O.and in general the rest of her senses are heightened. Secretly she's an attorney by day but by night she's Daredevil.  

 

Santa is burning calories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bumble-some burglars decide to drown her in her bathtub because she could have identified them to the cops. She walked right by them as they were boosting her stuff. They were perfectly safe. Locked in a closet, blind woman had a loony locked away and now he's loose with a craving for blood. No, not really. Burglar #2 gets offscreened to death and with a crap green filter on the camera we see Burglar #1 speared in the eye with a candy cane sign. With no screams, minor blood and a crap orchestral music. Chilling. Hubby of blind woman drops plot point to officer in charge that Chris was locked away for being a naughty boy but the whacko basket. Sorry, sorry. I mean insane asylum was conveniently burned down and everyone assumed Chris burned up with it. How he got the gasoline to do this or his murder sign is a mystery.  Yup, no arson case follow-up for this building, just head up ass vision on how real life operates. Yes, this movie makes Christmas Evil seem as thrilling and scary as The Exorcist.

Chris has apparently broken into a random woman's house, due to poor continuity he somehow teleported behind said woman, which means he had to come in through the bathroom with no windows. Maybe he came up through the crapper, much like most of this film. No actual death scene but girl flops on bed with a head wound. You are making Bloody Murder 1 look like a Friday the 13^th, movie!  Then it's day time and Chris Santa kills a random kid in the woods but at least we got to see that death scene. 

 

Between the lack of blocking, direction, audio corrections, proper editing this looks like a high-schooler's attempt at directing a horror film. None of these stories lineup well and it is a lot of details that Ron would never have had available because police would have squashed the information on a on-going investigation.  The perfect plot twist would be Ron is actually Chris but then we would have required Ron to "act" and that is asking far too much. So they have gas issues, Ron farted in the truck or they hit a reindeer, they have to stop the truck. Shocking Chris kills them.

There's no creativity, mystery, suspense or even intrigue for this movie. POV shots were fair but the camera made enough noise that it drowns the audio. The actors couldn't care less about the project and their performances illustrate that mindset.

I would rather watch paint dry or be forced to edit Barney the Dinosaur episodes. The only thing this film is good for is examples how to not recreate this movie.

 

Sure hope my shower isn't interrupted with murder.

Chopper Chicks in Zombietown

How do Readers of the Rotten. Well, it's time once again for a fan request and yeah it's a Troma movie. I'm not pleased at that but I will let it go and not vent my spleen. Yeah we are back in B-movie territory so buckle up, brace yourself and make peace with your dear and fluffy lord. This is Chopper Chicks in Zombietown a.k.a. Chrome Hearts a.k.a. Zombie Town a.k.a. Cycle Sluts 

 

Looks like they just barely "Escape From the Bronx!"

 

 

 

 

 

Yup right off the bat, we got alternative titles with writer/director Dan Hoskins (Pretty Smart and Chopper Chicks in Zombietown) seemed to wanted some dark humor with his horror film and I believe he managed it.

Our opening title card begins with "Life's a bitch and then you die. Usually." Followed by a maniacal cackle, I think that sets a tone. Cut right to the girls on bikes zooming along. Hey! California is a helmet law state! Rule breakers!

A gang of biker chicks are out raising hell and giving it their all. They screw around in this remote California town Zariah, scaring the locals and creating all sorts of malarkey. Heavens!  They could ratchet it up to tomfoolery. These girls are far less intimidating than The Switchblade Sisters and I love the serious tone the film is trying to put out. 

 

Welcome to Thorton's Casting Couch.

 

 

 

 

 

These group of Jezebels are ran by Rox (Lyica Naff of St. Elsewhere, The Clan of the Cave Bear, Fame, Lethal Weapon, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Return to Green Acres, Total Recall and The Flash (1990 version), this brunette smoke show and IMDB is showing her as T.C. Sooooo somebody screwed up and I don't think it's the film.  Getting back to our opus of a film, the girls had an encounter in the last town and gave exposition about a member name of Candy, stating we don't need any more heat on us.  FYI, their gang is called The Sluts. Not exactly terrifying. Might I make a few suggestions that won't get you laughed at? The Vipers? The Ball Breakers? The Insanguinators? Hoes of Death? Just mull those over.

Feels like I just stepped into some 70s biker exploitation movie and got a little bit of zombie on my boot. Big surprise is the local yokels don't take kind them there biker trash. The local mortician just removed a body and replaced him with sand bags in the coffin. Foreshadow perhaps? Or maybe he's either a necromancer (mage with powers over the dead) or a necrophile (man or woman with obscene infatuations for the dead). Either way, I am sure it will progress the story.

Bob's gotta roscoe now, see? Meh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The local dwarf, Bob Littleton (Ed Gale of Howard the Duck, Phantasm II, Child's Play, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Dolly Dearest, Land of the Lost (1991-1992 version) and O Brother, Where Art Thou?) is in charge of population. That is he and his chalkboard establish the live ones accounted. Bob Littleton. They really just gave Bob the shaft there, didn't they? Guess Seymour Butts was too classy. FYI, Ed there is credited as Chucky's stunt double in Child's Play. Does that mean they tossed him into fireplace or the wall? One wonders.

The town Sheriff Not Wiggum (Lewis Arquette of The Real Ghostbusters, A Pup named Scooby Doo, Tango & Cash, Tales from the Crypt, Book of LoveYo Yogi, Hypernauts and Mojave Moon) and his mustache might not care for these chippies in his here jurisdiction. And yes he is father of Patricia, Rosanna, Alexis and David Arquette. Even stars in Scream 2 as Chief Hartley.

 

Ernie?!

 

 

 

 

 

Shockingly enough, our mortician is also a mad scientist name of Ralph Willum (Don Calfa of 1941, The Return of the Living Dead, Weekend at Bernie's, Bugsy, Doctor Dolittle, Downward Angel, Night Creep and Sharkskin) is responsible for all this mayhem to even happen. Shame on you, Ernie! Didn't you learn from The Return of the Living Dead?

Naturally the best way to not provoke the undead, the supernatural or demons is to STOP PESKY KIDS. You all know what I am talking about. They read from the book, they trash the cemetery, they take a crap in your refrigerator's crisper bin.  KEEP an eye on these little chaos factories.

As luck or plot point would have it, a bus full of blind orphans (many of which are smoking) has been stalled out not far from the abandoned zombie mine. Uh-oh Spagetti-Os! By the way, as a subplot, no I have no idea why the blind orphans are doing out in the heated two lane blacktop. Traveling to go see The American Gladiators? That may require sight. Um...off to hear New Kids on the Block? No wait, that would require wanting to listen.

Well, the cat or in this case, the scourge of zombies? Maybe a plethora of zombies? A mass of zombies? Well however you want to quantify it, the ghouls are loose and looking for flesh.

 

Sheriff Not Wiggums asks for the Sluts' help in saving those blind orphans and defending the town. The proper answer is NOPE. ALL THE NOPES! Alas the Sluts may have hearts of gold and join in the fray. With the populous be zombie food? Couldn't they call in the National Guard or Raccoon City's S.T.A.R.S.?

We have a quote from the Austin Chronicles via its VHS box cover claiming, "Shades of Night of the Living Dead and a bit of The Seven Samurai, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown is a very smart and very funny movie." Hmm, late 80s...beating the deadlines. AHA! Cocaine was the deciding factor!  It all makes sense now.

What did I take away from this picture? Well the humor was dark to the level of Night of the Creeps, some decent tongue-in-cheek gags and the zombie FX was fair for this low budget job. Gorgeous girls beating the crap out of zombies. Sorry fellas there is absolutely no titty in our flick today WHATSOEVER.   I too, was stunned at this.   Guess they were going more for female empowerment rather than give off a jiggle fest.  Now use those McDonald's napkins and dry your tears, boys.  At the end it was gory and goofy. Felt like I took my brain offline and just had a few laughs.

 

She really likes that jukebox.

 

Little Dead Rotting Hood

Happy Veterans Day!   No I will not be reviewing a war picture, TV series or Video Game depicting war.   It's cliche' and several fans that are veterans got tired of that in 2015, so we are going to an Asylum Pictures instead.  Yes, Asylum Pictures. The folks that brought you Z Nation, Sharknado, Atlantic Rim and more than a few mock busters are have a flick that caught my eye. So monsters roaming in a tiny woodland town and only a family curse can keep these wolves from huffing, puffing and knocking down your door. This is Little Dead Rotting Hood. 

 

Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An ancient family curse keeps the bad things at bay of the small town of Stillwater Pennsylvania (What looks like Santa Clarita, California) and it takes its toll on them all.  Going to Grandmother's house we go as we meet Marina Sirtis?? (The Return of Sherlock Holmes, Waxwork II: Lost in Time, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Gargoyles, Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek: Insurrection, Paradise Lost, Star Trek: Voyager, Terminal Error and Net Games) is Esmeralda Whitfield. A young girl, Samantha (Bianca A.Santos of Ouija, Happyland, The DUFF, Dream Americano, The Fosters, Priceless, Happily Never After and Avenge the Crows) was on her way to Grandmother's house only to be savaged by wolves.  The girl dies from severe blood loss and Grandma Whitfield just buries her in the friggin' woods!  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!!   Before Sam dies, Grandma tells her she has to protect the people of the town and it is her turn to do such.   THEN FRIGGIN' BURIES HER!!!  All this in the first five minutes of the movie by the way.  YEAH!   Well there's a red hood, a blade, a bloodletting and an oath offered but STILL!!!

 

Gurgle...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The Sheriff (Eric Balfour of 24, Veritas: The Quest, Six Feet Under, Haven, Dinoshark, Skyline and Agenda: Payback) and Deputy Henry (Patrick Muldoon of Melrose Place, Starship Troopers, Stigmata, Red Team, Blackwoods, Project Viper, Ice Spiders, Christmas Town, Repo, Days of Our Lives and Badge of Honor) found Grandma lifeless and they can't imagine why she committed suicide. I agree.   Picard is a much better series than the critics say.   Samantha's boyfriend, Danny (Lil' Romeo Miller of Honey, All Grown Up, Romeo!, The Pig People, Madea's Witness Protection, How To Rock, The Love Letter, Frat Brothers and Brotherly Love) hasn't heard a thing from her since last night. Sure it's a small town and nothing is every really gone crazy but his Spidey senses start tingling and runs to the Sheriff.

 

 Let's be fair to the Sheriff. The most he has to contend with is probably kids having booze bonfires, screwing on lover's lane and issuing speeding tickets.  A missing person's report could just sound like an overprotective boyfriend but he says he will tell folks to keep an eye out for her and he'll keep Danny in the loop.  In reality, Danny would have to wait 48 hours overall, so yeah better universe for this instance.  

 Danny starts hitting the school, Sam's house and leaving messages on her phone all to nothing. Yeah it is this point you try your level best to not freak out like you really really want to.   Night time looming and Sam digs her way out of her grave, sporting claws and black contact lenses. Well that can't be good.   

 But enough of that, it's party time! Get yer drink on! Yes the typical teenager horror film tropes are at the ready.  We'll have drunken jockos tormenting the nerds, body shots, couples sneaking off to screw their brains out in the woods.   All the classics.   Enough debauchery to raise Jason Voorhees out of his lake of doom and start racking a body count.  Thankfully none of the kids are near Crystal Lake or Forrest Green or whatever it is called now.  Danny is getting hit on at the party while he is still checking his phone to see if Sam called him back.  Trust me, whatever he is drinking is not calming his mood at all.

 

Psst.. kid, you gotta get me out of this flick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 And before you even hit me up with the messages, yes guys there's some titty.    God, you have no idea how sick I am of that question.  STOP LEAVING THAT MESSAGE!!!   Sorry ladies, it is a query I have to field every other Horror movie.  Upside?  You're probably never gonna have to date these guys. I know that isn't much of a bonus but that's what I had. 

Shockingly enough a wolf is out and about, prowling and gobbling up a teen like McDonald's french fries. Guess someone better call the Sheriff. Crazy part is loud music, fires going and a lot of kids does not make a lone wolf suddenly go apeshit.   Science fact!  They're pack hunters and don't go after people unless they are starving.   Sheriff and Deputy Henry are creeped out, call for State troopers for back up because they know they'll have to do a grid search.  Plus those pesky Sasquatch and Nachzehers are going to make their move next. 

 State trooper Victoria (5-time Emmy Award winner Heather Tom of The Young and the Restless, One Life to Live, Ugly Betty, The Bold and the Beautiful, Lucifer and Animal Among Us) and her partner are backing up the sheriff all the while they are still befuddled why Mrs. Whitfield killed herself. Victoria gives us some exposition talking about Whitfield being a staple of the town, a living legend if you will.   Teens dropping faster than Trump's rating approval and the Sheriff is still thinking it is just a few wolf encounters, so he gathers a search and rescue team of the local yokels.   Yes arm them with guns and let's go into the woods at sundown.  Boy that can't end in bloodshed at all.  Didn't you see Silver Bullet, Sheriff? 

With a spooky intro of Becky Sanders (Amy Argyle of Hard Love, Blood Effects, Adopting Terror, Illegal, Grooming Giselle, Frank & Lola, Moon Creek Cemetery and Parker's Anchor), it is pretty obvious who the Alpha is and what is going on. Or is she?.. She has a little cat and mouse chat with the Sheriff and he can almost get the vibe she's not on the up and up. 

Will Sam be able to fulfill her destiny? Can the town be saved? How many of the folk will be on the buffet? 

 

 

 

With all the negative critics on this flick I would point out what it does have versus what it lacks. Some excellent drone footage over the treetops, a decent story idea about nature against humanity, a solid cast, good direction and editing.   I really don't understand why my fellow critics are tossing this wolf story under the bus.  I guess they were expecting it to have Rick Baker's work like in The Howling or American Werewolf in London. Perhaps they were hoping for it to surpass Dog Soldiers in SFX and gore. 

What we have is a smaller budget that still comprised of extras, animal handlers, POV shots, faux wolf heads for the close-up blocking shots and a heroine to the likes of Buffy.   Actual wolves were used but there were no real rounds fired.   Muzzle flashes and gun shots sounds were all added in post-production.   I have a feeling most of those firearms were Airsoft pellet guns too.  At the end of the day, this is a popcorn flick with a bit of gore, decent one-liners and an interesting story. 

 

Girl, you tryin' to get a brother killed?

 

Countess Dracula

Apologies for being vacant to the blog. Freelancing writing and Rotten Riffs writing has made me busy. So after a series of different film requests, I decided I would pick my own review for a change. I felt like exploring towards a Hammer film. It's been awhile so clearly it is time to give it a view. Our story is an old tale of Countess Elizabeth Bathory and her unique bathing habits of virgin girls' blood. This is Countess Dracula.

Ms. Pitt if you're nasty.

Released back in 1971, this was a double bill with Vampire Circus during its marquee debut. Wasn't that a nifty film fact?

Brought to us by director Peter Sasdy (Journey to the Unknown, Journey Into Darkness,Taste the Blood of Dracula, Hands of the Ripper, Doomwatch, Nothing But the Night, Orson Welles' Great Mysteries, 1990, Return of the Saint and Sherlock Homes and Doctor Watson) and I last beheld his work in Taste the Blood of Dracula. Our aging countess Elizabeth (Ingrid Pitt of Where Eagles Dare,The Vampire Lovers, Countess Dracula, The Wicker Man, Octopussy, The Comedy of Errors, Doctor Who, Bones, Underworld and Hanna's War) discovered a way to revive youth, beauty and even sex drive by bathing in the blood of young women.

Gypsies, tramps and thieves...

Her faithful servant and lover Captain Dobi (Nigel Green of Zulu, The Ipcress File, Jason and the Argonauts, The Ruling Class, Clochemerle, The Protectors and Gawain and the Green Knight) in league with her maid Julie (Patience Collier of House of Cards, Baby Love, Every Home Should Have One, Perfect Friday, Countess Dracula, Fiddler on the Roof, Endless Night, Shoulder to Shoulder, David Copperfield,Who Pays the Ferryman? And Sapphire & Steel) as she commands them to fetch young, nubile girls for draining the precious bodily fluids (Yes I did make a Doctor Strangelove reference.) Also how convincing is your argument telling subordinates to capture young women for nefarious deeds, let alone where do you conceal the bodies?

So to conceal her nefarious deeds, the countess takes on the persona of her daughter Ilona (Lesley-Anne Down of The Smashing Bird I Used to Know, All the Right Noises, Assault, From Beyond the Grave, Brannigan, The First Great Train Robbery, Hanover Street, Arch of Triumph and Nomads) of which she sent the good Captain to watch over her and while the cat's away the mouse picks up a new lover in the form of Lt. Toth (Sandor Eles of Marked Personal, The Tunnel, Love and Death, Eleanor Marx, The Assignment, The Foundation, The Treachery Game, Crossroads and Sherlock Holmes and the Leading Lady).

This necklace will really accent my breasts.

After using the blood of a prostitute, the adverse effects cause the countess to age rapidly and the town historian, Fabio (Maurice Denham of Animal Farm, The Alphabet Murders, Nicholas and Alexandra, The Day of the Jackal, Behaving Badly, Lovejoy, Inspector Morse, Peak Practice, The Bill and Pie in the Sky) has noticed the steady decline of virgin girls. I guess he has a doctorate in that too. Maybe he has the stick from Lair of the White Worm, the virgin dowsing rod if you will. The saddest problem is the town while under superstition, and they really have no true desire to send out search parties for these missing girls. This has been going on for months and what? It was a series of wolf attacks? Some wily bear murdering young girls? I just wondered how they justify their cowardice.

Now some fun film facts. Oh suck it up and just read.

Elton John makes a cameo appearance as one of the villagers and yes I immediately recognized the ROCKET MAAAAAN... Ingrid Pitt replaced Diana Rigg for the lead role. Apparently Ingrid Pitt was voice dubbed and she was pissed at director Peter Sasdy for such and refused to speak to him again.

As this was a bit typical for Hammer at this timeline, that sexy girls on the screen kept men's butts in seats but you probably already gathered that. With this said, the costumes, the orchestral soundtrack and professional film crew does the film justice. No I am not anti-boobies, fellas. It does just get a tad bit tiresome after enough of these flicks. Yes the parable or allegory of aging gracefully, being jealous of the young and how women are often judged by aging are all here. In spite of her monstrous ways of slaughtering girls, you can't help but feel bad for her as well. It is a true split of horror and compassion.

Sorry I heard nothing. I was gawking at your breasts.

Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread

Hey all. Back from my much requested "Outbreak" demands and I plan to review one tomorrow.

I am hoping it won't be insanely depressing. How about a karate film with a heroine up to her shapely hips in a gaggle of smugglers, gangsters and prostitutes? Now while that was setup sounds filthy as it was intended; it makes it no less accurate.  From the Dragon Princess and Sister Street Fighter, comes "Sue" Etsuko Shihomi back in action with the following sequel.  This is Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread a.k.a. Sister Street Fighter in Danger a.k.a. Female Killing Fist- Crisis Resolved a.k.a. Return of the Female Killing Fist a.k.a. Sister Streetfighter 2

Hey she took Elvis's shades!

Yes the multiple titles means several foreign re-releases from those 20 to 200 Karate movie packs so yes this could be a concern on the quality of the film. Let us not forget Dragon Princess and Sister Street Fighter are both in Public Domain so take your small comfort. Let's check this out, shall we?

We have our Toei Company logo of waves smacking the rocks below and right into a three minute fight choreography intro. This is not uncommon with the Karate and Kung Fu flicks of the 1970s. So we see Sue in full form, whipping nun-chucks and snap kicks looking fearless.

Etsuko Shihomi(The Street Fighter, Sister Street Fighter, Karate Inferno, The Great Chase, Bullet Train, Karate Bear Fighter, Return of the Sister Street Fighter, Dragon Princess and Sister Street Fighter: Fifth Level Fist) reprises her Koryu Li character in this sequel and this time around she searching for Birei (Hisako Tanaka of Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread and The Great Chase), a former schoolmate of Li's has gotten into trouble.

Her friend's uncle asks Koryu to look in on Birei because he is convinced she is mixed up with some shady cats and that's no good. It seems Birei was kidnapped by some gangsters. They specialize in smuggling and prostitution, so these guys are clearly easy going and fun loving. Oh wait; that's hippies and not gangsters. My apologies. They're hightailing it to Tokyo for their ill-gotten gains.

Not Sonny Chiba!

No sooner does Koryu get to Tokyo she has a turbulent taxi ride. Apparently the gang was ready for her. She defeats crooked Cabbie's Kung Fu in the train yard only to square off with a swarmy nun-chuck hitter and his ninja nerds four. Sorry but these guys don't exactly put the fear of God in you like the Hand via Daredevil, Iron Fist or The Defenders.

The fight choreography on the train tops was fun and clever and probably dangerous as Hell. While Koryu's Karate is true and solid, she needs to level up if she is to defeat the boss and his evil gang. The prostitute's hinders are being used to smuggle diamonds. Surgically implanted in their buttocks, not jammed up them.  Sheesh, you sickos.  One can only assume their man whores have to balloon black tar heroin or get it shoved into their collective wangs.

By the power of GRAYSKULL!!!

Koryu meets up with her sister, (Tamayo Mitsukawa of Hoshi no flamenco, Hibotan bakuto: Jingi tooshimasu, Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread and Kozure okami)Hakuran and tells her what is going on and sis won't have anything to do with it but offers her apartment for a place to crash while she is on vacation. Yet as Koryu sleeps, the bad guys send another assassin after her. Um they just follow her around Tokyo or is this gang that connected? Seriously, what kind of spotters and surveillance are they doing around town?

And she does team up but not with Sonny Chiba this time. I know, I thought it blasphemy as well.

Instead she has a questionable guy Tsubaki (Yasyaki Kurata of The Fists of Vengeance, The Godfather Squad, Fight! Dragon, Return of the Sister Street Fighter, Challenge Me Dragon and Secret of the Shaolin Poles) that has his own motives for assisting her.

This is standard martial arts exploitation 101, protagonist given a quest, fights a ton of bad guys, deals with the boss battle and saves the day.

As Koryu fends off each weapon bound nutter butter we get to find out each assailant's name and fighting style. That's handy when I need to pick them out in a line up for the cops. Yes officer, that man right there. He was using Korean Kung Fu. No doubt in my mind.

Biggest pet peeves is the storyline isn't anything really different or that clever and the fricking handheld camera work for most of the fight scenes gets a little nauseating. Not sure what veteran director Kazuhiko Yamaguchi (Sister Street Fighter, Wolf Guy, Karate Bullfighter, Karate Bear Fighter, Karate Warriors, Return of the Sister Street Fighter) was thinking with all the handheld. Surely a crane shot or a dolly cam would have been reasonable. I am amazed I haven't had a migraine from this handheld nonsense.

The original poster was very misleading as Etsuko Shihomi is posed in shorty shorts and go-go boots. How dare you, movie poster!  Is it a decent follow-up from Sister Street Fighter?  Not really.  The story is lack luster, Etsuko is amazing as always but the fights drag on or are very abrupt. Tempo, movie tempo. The evil boss cackles way too often and his whole underworld connections tend to stand out in a crowd a bit too easily.  The way Koryu is able to track these guys down so quickly without resorting to Batman level of interrogation of thugs?  C'mon!

Here's hoping the next sequel is better. 

Shhh, Sue beefed.

Red Christmas

Happy Holidays, folks! Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Wookie Life Day; people are out and about doing their shopping and making cards. So naturally we have to get in on a Christmas slasher flick. You were expecting Frank Capra perhaps? So we have have a widow and her slightly estranged family are all gathered to a remote estate for Christmas Eve. So of course there's a killer roaming about. This is Red Christmas.

Well the hills do have eyes but they have cataracts.

Filmed in Australia, our favorite 80s horror/sci-fi mom is back! Diane (Dee Wallace of The Hills Have Eyes, The Howling, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Cujo and Critters) gathers her squabbling family up to her home and boy doesn't that sound fun? Like trying to shave public hair with a chainsaw kind of fun.

Our Mouseketeers are all set for a Christmas Eve as they bitch, whine and complain to the levels I am praying a man nuttier than squirrel poop deals them all in. Minus Dee of course. Love this woman. Let's meet the family shall we? Yes this will be as warm and cozy as a flaming straight jacket. 

I SLIPPED!

There's boozy, quite pregnant daughter Ginny (Janis McGavin of Comedy Inc., The Mansion, The Urban Monkey, The Elegant Gentleman's Guide to Knife Fighting and Red Christmas) and her baby daddy Scott (Bjorn Stewart of Black Comedy, Red Christmas, True Murder, Chasing Comets, A Chance Affair, KGB and Spread the Word), Diane's cold-blooded and child barren sister Suzy (Sarah Bishop of Skit Box, The Great Gatsby, BedHead, In a Woman's World, Crushed, Red Christmas and Find Your Voice), her born again, pervy Preacher husband Peter(David Collins of You Can't Stop the Murders, All Saints,Me & My Monsters, Maya the Bee Movie,Oh Yuck!, The Umbilical Brothers: Not Suitable for Children and True Murder), Diane's idiot, spliff smoking, hillbilly bearded brother Joe (Geoff Morrell of Murder Call, Grass Roots, Rogue, Cloudstreet, Top of the Lake, Nippers of Dead Birdy Bay and Harrow) and Diane's son with down syndrome who constantly quotes Shakespeare, Jerry (Gerard O' Dwyer of Be My Brother, Heartbreak & Beauty, Red Christ, Kairos, Little Monsters and Way Out Assistance).

This shindig should go down quicker than a lead balloon. The festivities are interrupted due to a pounding at the door. Looking outside to find a deformed man, Cletus holding a letter addressed to Mother. Diane invites the man in with some degree of hesitancy, allowing him to warm his bones.

Diane gives the letter a gander, refutes these accusations and shuns Cletus (Sam Campbell of Dirty Bird, Johnny Beretta, The Tail Job, Red Christmas, Bin Chickens, Small Town Hackers, Fresh Blood Pilot Season) from her doorstep and denies anything to do with him. With a bit of rambling and grumbling the family calms down. Yeah this didn't chuck a live grenade in the room at all.

Well it goes the stereotypical route as these slashers go. An assortment of elaborate weapons used to dispatch the family with ease. Yeah to go into greater detail will technically spoil the movie.

Let's get that damn squirrel!

Our mood music is fair, the cast is decent, the story is drek and filled with the tropes of old. We have a typical villain done wrong so will have bloody revenge story arc that holds no new surprises. There was a bear trap death that was interesting at best and mildly bloody. I think this may have been a TV movie in Australia. The POV shots were giving me a headache, so photophobic folks should skip it. You all may want to skip this.

If you're bored and found nothing else to watch, have at this movie. If you need background noise while doing the dishes or washing the floor, hey this movie exists. If you wanted a potential thriller horror mystery, this is definitely...not the movie to watch. Dee Wallace was honestly the only shining beacon in this hackneyed attempt to scare me. You guessed it, jump scares. And no male readers that ask me this too often, no titty. While I did not consider this a good horror movie, at least it wasn't the 2006 Black Christmas.

Consequences of sex? Who knew.

Killer Crocodile

Hey gang. Sinuses hate severe weather transitions. So I thought we would endure a creature feature today. Similar to the 1950s to 1960s, Atomic radiation was the cause for gigantism,mutations and rabid creatures; the 1980s was all about nuclear waste causing superheroes ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Size), CHUDs (Cannibalistic Humanoids Underground Dwellers) and those pesky Ninja Turtles. So with that trope at the ready, did I mention this is an Italian creature feature produced by Fulvia Film? This is Killer Crocodile a.k.a. Murder Alligator.

Yer dead meat, Paul Hogan!

Yessir, that is the production company who brought us eerie films like Fulci's The House by the Cemetery and The Beyond...of course they also put up money for Joe D' Amato's Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals or Marino Girolami's Zombie Holocaust. You know you have high hopes for this movie when the alternative title is about a completely different species.

Our director/producer Fabrizio De Angelis ( is primarily for action films like Thunder, Deadly Impact, The Manhunt, Operation Nam, Thunder II, Karate Warrior, The Overthrow, Thunder III, Karate Warrior 2, and The Last Match) has a tall order to fill. Radioactive creature that somehow doesn't warp the vegetation and animals around it.

A group of 20 somethings start investigating the very site. Oh Corporate America, you'd got away with it if it weren't for them meddling kids. The leader of the pack, wildlife photographer Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna of The Blob, The Great Los Angeles Earthquake, Predator 2, Chicago Hope, Roswell and Landspeed) senses a mystery, teen gang and fires up the Mystery Machine to head into the unknown fracas awaiting them. He and his band of enthusiastic environmentalists just knows in their heart of hearts, nuclear waste is making its way into the swamps, thus damaging this ecosystem for the sake of cost to overhead. Yup, never heard that happening in a creature feature via the 1980s.

Nuclear spillage for us Gen X crowd meant superheroes, supervillains, zombies, ROUS (Rodents of Unusual Sizes), giant killer plants and more Italian post-apocalyptic futures were we wouldn't even see the millennium happen.

So I'm prescribing a topical cream for those gaping wounds.

For my younger readers, Nuclear waste or power was the equivalent of Atomic waste and power was in the 1950s. For your generation, you hear all the dangers of genetic manipulation, engineering and splicing.

Naturally the elected town officials want to keep this quiet for the sake of the population...and their re-elections. Jobs, not People! Hmm that may possibly be the crappiest slogan.

A quick side note, I can't help but feel like this is a direct competition with the Jaws franchise and the 1979 Giant Alligator but this could be my opinion and no one else. That being said, the creature attack theme sounds a bit too much like John Williams' Jaws theme track.

How much Jaws do we have? Well we have a Quint archetype via Joe (Ennio Girolami of The Nights of Cabiria, Fury of Achilles, The Feast of Satan, Sexy Sinners, The Last Shark, Tenebrae, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Escape from the Bronx, Operation Nam and Sinbad of the Seven Seas) who says the croc is as good as dead.  Veritable bad ass of our picture here, folks.  Italian Lee Van Cleef (No really, looks just like the man) swears this to be so.  Crenna's Kevin feels like Hooper and Brodie combined. 

This is a No Wake zone, ya yuppie jerk!

Let's talk about the creature itself. There appears to be the rubber coated foam one that floats in the water, the animatronic head popping out of the water and savaging the locals and a POV version showing more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Again younger readers, this is a Donny and Marie Osmond reference. Hey, nutty idea. Look some of these up yourselves.

Now overall the effects are serviceable, the bladders that seem to blood gyser their way through removed limbs could have been done with a tad more accuracy but this is still fairly experimental FX. In daylight, it looks pretty hokey. Night shots however is flat out awesome. The creature gets to pop out of the water and the ADR growls are giving it some scare. Yeah I did say growls. I know, I know. Crocs don't grow, they have a mild hiss.

Overall, you have a creature feature film that has borrowed a few ideas, tried to set it in a location of said scenarios of creature ran amok in the swamps and the officials plus some plucky kids want to stop before it's too late. Again, napalming the swamp would be bad but given the toxicity of the waters and plants via nuclear waste; the burn off might allow nature to begin anew.

The English dubbing is a bit painful and you really get the vibe the dub actors had no footage to stare at and had to go solely based on the writer's notes. (Scream like a little girl. Now scream like an elderly checkout clerk) We are not making new leaps and bounds but this being a horror film lacks nudity, mild swearing and the blood effects are tamer than a night of The Walking Dead.

Unintentionally funny and riffers would have a field day with it. Make it a drinking game to say, "Screw you, Liver." 

Jamaican does give me gas. Ah hell, looks good.

Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eyes

Okay Rotten Readers, Readers of the Rotten.  After the copious amount of Indie, A list and B-grade films, I decided I need a change. Yeah this week I am just diving into Italian movies, ranging from Giallo to action films.  An Italian Infusion if you will. With that in mind I am checking out a Giallo directed by Antonio Margheriti (Hercules, Prisoner of Evil, Giants of Rome, Dynamite Joe, The Unnaturals, Death Rage Yor, Hunter of the Future and Jungle Raiders) this is Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye a.k.a. Cat's Murdering Eye a.k.a. Seven Dead in the Cat's Eye.

Dinner party of the Damned!!!

Yeah you have to take in account for foreign distribution and redistribution happening over the years. And re-redistribution for DVD and Blu-Ray naturally. Um anyone else feel the title might be a giant spoiler? Well at any rate, we are moving on.

In a remote Scottish village (because of course it happens in an isolated little town!) a serious brutal murder of a man happening in...well it either dungeon of torment or possibly old timey BDSM. The safety word is pumpkin. Our man of the moment is being worked over with a straight razor while a pudgy and irritable yellow tabby looks on. Maybe this murder is for Fluffy's amusement or the rats to dine on him. The rats that make squeaky toy noises. I normally use a stuffed toy mouse on a string or laser pointer. I guess my cat is less demanding.

A carriage makes its way to Dragonstone Castle, deep in the highlands of Scotland where the Scottish sound nothing like Christopher Lambert or Adrian Paul. A young schoolgirl Corringa (Jane Birkin of Blow-Up, Death on the Nile, Evil Under the Sun, La pirate, Dust, The Woman in My Life, This Is My Body and A Hell of a Day) is visiting her mother, Lady Alicia (Dana Ghia of Burn!, The Bloodstained Butterfly, My Dear Killer, Peccati di gioventu, Together Forever and California) as she has many summers at this very castle.

Thankfully she driven up by the sweaty creeper Angus (Luciano Pigozzi of The Devil's Man, King of Africa, Hatchet for the Honeymoon, The Case of the Bloody Iris, Escape from Hell, The Last Hunter and Yor, the Hunter from the Future) from Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory. A guy so ennerving around young women if he was an action figure he would come with a hypodermic needle or a bottle of ether and wet rag.

Starve your rats at least two days of optimum flesh devouring.

As they make their way through the courtyard, we get a piano chord of ominous dread and see what looks to be a gorilla peering though a window. The significance? Yeah no idea. Damn dirty ape! Given its numerous rooms, the castle seems to be turned into a boarding house or just jam packed with guests of the area. Mouseketeers! Sign off!

Father Robertson (Venantino Venantini of Warriors of the Wasteland, The Exterminators of the Year 3000, The Adventures of Hercules, Final Justice, The Erotic Dreams of Cleopatra, The Flying Devils, Ocean, The King's Whore and Tango Bar), Corringa's aunt, Lady Mary MacGrieff (Francoise Christophe of The Three Musketeers, Vengeance of the Three Musketeers, Les Thibault, L'affaire Saint-Romans, Marie Love, The Free Frenchman and Fiesta), Dr. Franz (Anton Diffring of The Man Who Could Cheat Death, Where Eagles Dare, The Blue Max and Victory), French teacher Suzanne (Doris Kunstmann of And Jimmy Went to the Rainbow Foot, Hitler: The Last Ten Days, Vienna Crime Squad, The Peppercorns and For Heaven's Sake) and her cousin and heir to the MacGrieff title, Lord James MacGrieff (Hiram Keller of Fellini Satyricon, Orestes, Strogoff, Noa Noa, Rome Wants Another Caesar and Lifespan).

Alicia and Mary are in deep conversation about the cost of the castle and Alicia simply cannot use the inheritance from her late husband other than for Coringa's scholastic and well being. Methinks hubby really didn't love Alicia much but that's just one reviewer's theory.

With the dinner party in full swing, seems an apt time to discuss family legends and curses, right?

Bit awkward to work into small talk. "So I understand when a cat walks over a casket, the deceased can end up being a vampire and plague the living members. Pass the potatoes please."

Mother, your roots are showing.

After the less than successful dinner party, Lady Alicia retires for the night...dun dun dun!!! in that she is suffocated by a pillow via a gloved hand as that creepy orange tabby watches on. Perhaps the cat controls the murderer. Slay more of the HOOMANS and then clean up my poops! Obey! OBEY!

FYI, the local law enforcement as are useful as any of the state troopers during a Friday the 13^th flick. I was surprised they were given firearms and live ammo. I wouldn't trust these collective heads of knuckle to open a can of beans that was previously opened.

With a death toll slowly building up, one is left to wonder who is the killer, why these deaths are happening and who is next?

The Techniscope is giving a great pan around, some solid zooms and really give depth into what is being filmed. Lot of hand held work, 45 degree slant shots and the editing giving the daylight shots an eerie vibe is impressive.

The castle itself is amazing but clearly not Scottish architecture as we are in Italy at Castello Massimo where all $600 sunglasses are made. See what I did there?

The musical score is excellent for setting the tone and you almost get a vibe of Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians as a underlined theme. Jane Birkin was quite good in it and well let's face it, lovely may not cover her well enough. It was creepy, good set pace and I enjoyed it.

James' smoking hot French teacher.