Welcome back my readers to the absurd collection of tripe
that is Shark Week. For those just
tuning in I am not referring to the informative and entertaining Discovery
Channel week. Oh no, this is the bottom
rung of cinema shark movies that have such a farfetched plot device that you
need a rod and reel to haul it back to some sense of reality. But hey buck up! They can’t all be THAT bad. So grab yourself some goobers, a savory soft
drink and relax in the easy chair. This
is Sharknado.
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| Hehe hides my woody. |
Spoilers be in the water.
Our spoilers.
From the collective asshats of Asylum Pictures (Transmorphers, The Terminators, Almighty
Thor, Sherlock Holmes) comes a preposterous notion of a hurricane and
from the CGI standing has to be a class 4 or 5, scoops up a wide variety of
sharks from the sea and somehow hurls them about L.A. SUSPEND
DISBELIEF AND SCREW PHYSICS!!!!! Now
for those of you that may feel we are off to a very rocky start…well we
are. The Mockbusters have been difficult
for me to digest as they take popular movies and make an even worse one.
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| Do not bring your evil here. |
Our movie opens with a shark fin soup connoisseur (Marcus
Choi of Enchanted, Make Yourself at Home, Raising Hope, 40 Days and Nights and
Graceland) and salty dog Captain Santtiago (Israel Saez de Miguel of Venom,
Five, Green Card, Black Rice and Rise of the Dinosaurs) conclude a
million dollar purchase of sharks as a giant hurricane (not a tornado) that
proceeds to gobble up different species of shark and chuck them at 150 mph off
the coast of Mexico and into Southern California. Sharks come tumbling in buildings, bars,
homes and around regions of Santa Monica without killing them outright from the
sheer impact, speed and velocity they were traveling at. SCREW
PHYSICS!!!!!!
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| Eat it boy, eat it! |
Our would be hero surfer and bar owner Fin (Ian Ziering of Beverly Hills,
90210) whose Zen philosophy has him totally in tune with the waves
points out the fast paced weather is not normal in that regards. Like the calm seas and clear skies going
suddenly cloudy and storm brewing. Fin’s
main earner Nova (Cassie Scerbo of Bring It On: In It to Win It, Dance Revolution, Make
It or Break It and Teen Spirit) hold a secret loathing for sharks and
her gill shaped scar indicates. Looks
like she was getting a wax with a cheese grater but no other portion of her leg
or body had scar damage. Oops. One such homeowner is startled by the arrival
of said shark April (Tara Reid of The Big Lebowski, American Pie,
Van Wilder and Alone in the Dark) gets her living room up to about 4 feet of
water and yet the swells managed to miss her front porch/ parking garage. Hmmm…
oh right I forgot. SUSPEND DISBELIEF!!!!
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| Tara over me? As if. |
Okay just a few side notes on the film. Given how laid back the Southern Californian
is I had a bit of a difficult time buying them rallying and beating back the
sharks. Tossing a bomb from a helicopter to stop a
hurricane seems logical too. Oh did I
mention John Heard (On the Yard, Heart Beat, Cutter’s Way, Home Alone and In the Line of
Fire) in this as well? Playing a
rummy former surfer he belches his lines and sways.
Oh weather is calm for a matter of 3 frames
per second and then the skies darken like Gozer the Sumerian had arrived. Continuity was not a big issue for this flick
as streets varies on being bone dry one minute and then flooded the next. Oh and
apparently Santa Monica beach houses have their own gyroscopic mounts or
anti-gravity units because I didn’t see a single swell wipe them out…
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