MST3K Week: Sidehackers

Welcome back again sport fans and boy oh boy do I have a dumb movie in need of quips, comments and snotty remarks.  Heading into MST3K Week I thought I would force you to digest an exploitation film involving a ridiculous sport of a two man motorcycle team ripping around a dirt track like a modern day chariot race.    Oh who am I kidding?  The Mads bring the hurt with this Ross Hagen movie that will leave you with some many WTF moments you will cherish Easy Rider by comparison.   And with that in play it is time to watch Sidehackers (Five the Hard Way)

 

He's taking Franks' brain!  Get em!!

Rommel? Oh you magnificent spoiler, I’ve read your book.

Our “film” revolves around mechanic/sidehacker Rommel (Ross Hagen of Hellcats, Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Night Creature and Dinosaur Island).  When he is not rolling in the fields with his girl Rita (Diane McBain of Burke’s Law, Batman, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.,  and Maryjane) he is honing his skills as a sidehacker balancing a bike with his body weight on a side car as the bike rips around dug up tracks.   He meets up with a bike circuit entertainer name of J.C. (Michael Pataki Star Trek, Easy Rider, Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, The Amazing Spider-Man and Star Trek: The Next Generation) and they hit it off real easy.  While doing some modifications to J.C.’s bikes; his girl Paisley (Claire Polan of Angels’ Wild Women, Wonder Women, Ladies Night and Action U.S.A.) proceeds to hit on Rommel who blows her off and points out she already has a guy.   Being a decent guy, Rommel kept his distance and Paisley claims Rommel raped her.  J.C. and his crew jump Rommel, flog the crap out of him and kills Rita.   Charming lot I know.

Psst, Ted pull over I have to pee.

Rommel more or less heals up and is out for blood.  One of J.C.’s former crew Nero (Edward Parrish of Sidehackers) goes and hits the street looking for guys to recruit against J.C. including Big Jake (Robert Tessier of The Deep, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Longest Yard, Starcrash and The Cannonball Run) and he is aptly named.  

A big shootout occurs in this random little shotgun shack out in the middle of nowheresville and eventually the cops may get out there but it is out of the Los Angles main county so there probably was a jurisdiction issue that needed to be sorted.   While people are getting blown away left and right.

Acid reflux is murder, kids!

Joel and the bots flounder their way through this festering pile of monkey vomit by focusing on how cool Rommel’s hat is and the values that sidehacking could bring to not just them but the very world they float in a geosynchronous orbit above.  Also we get introduced to Michael Nelson (writer and later Mike Nelson of MST3K) as he mimics J.C. rather well and Frank is decked out as J.C.’s dependable right hand man known as Cooch.   I swear I wish I made up that name but checkout IMDB and you too will see the horror that is that character’s name.