Howdy boys and girls and welcome to Day
1 of Gorefest, in which I can promise corny lines, partial nudity, an
over the top plot device and acting more wooden than that of the
mighty Scottish Pine. With mallrats, old folk and squawking brats
demanding sweeties, you need to be concerned about security. Purse
snatchers and shoplifters beware! This mall (kinda looks like
the dully named town of Sherman Oaks California) is protected
by state of art enforcement bots designed to taser offenders, but
what if their programming did not adhere to the three laws of
robotics? This is Chopping Mall.
Now we skin them and turn them into a series of funny hats!! |
Brought to us by that cinematic waste
of flesh, Jim Wynorski (The Lost Empire, Deathstalker
II, Not of This Earth, The Return of Swamp Thing, Hard to Die and
Vampirella) both wrote and directed our impending film so
expect the sores to not fade without a topical ointment. A
presentation filmed in 35mm establishes a lone gunman packing at
least a .38 long barrel cannot penetrate the hide of the Securitron
nor could he outrun it on foot, which seemed a tad odd given his
head start, the felon was tasered and dropped. Presentation official
Miss Vanders (Angela Aames of H.O.T.S., B.J. And the Bear,
Cheers and The Lost Empire) smiles vapidly and turns the
technical presentation over to the Securitron's creator, Dr. Stan
Simon (Paul Coufos of The Lost Empire, Busted Up, City of
Shadows, Superboy, 976-Evil II, Going Back and Sometimes a Hero)
and his mullet describes how they will be distributed around the mall
as a test site to show their effectiveness. Also he calls them
Protectors so now I don't know what the hell they're supposed to be
referred as. After a brief Q & A, the mall officials issued
little lamented badges for ID (Because no one forgets their
ID)the bots are set and ready to go on their trial basis.
Yup that is the afterglow of satisfying sex. Sure. |
Meanwhile the minimum wagers are
blissfully unaware of these creations, Suzie (Barbara Crampton
of Re-Animator, From Beyond, Castle Freak, You're Next, Road Games
and Death House) and Allison (Kelli Maroney of Ryan's
Hope, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Night of the Comet, Big Bad Mama
II, Not of This Earth, Jaded, Hard to Die and Midnight Witness)
are prepping for a party while a freak thunderstorm hits the antenna
controlling the robots service ports and scrambles their cybernetic
eggs.
ALL WILL BE PROBED!!! |
Will the fornicating kids be able to
evade the murderous machines?? Can they escape the lock-down? Or
will their time clocks be punched permanently?
A few bits of trivia at our moving
pictures of the day.
The special effects crew had to build
five remote controlled bots to serve as the Killbots. Three needed to
be seen together for the better chunk of the first half of the movie.
The two extras were backups in the event the originals were damaged
during in of the action sequences. They were built out of wheelchair
frames and conveyor belt to make them light but strong enough for the
areas of the mall.
Actress Kelli Maroney did most of her
own stunts in this flick but to be honest I think she might have
gotten away with most of them with minor rug burn. There were talks
about a sequel after the success of the film but the producers were
not overly impressed with with office returns in spite of them being
substantial.
Tee hee, we're the virgins. Can you tell? |
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