Well hello there and welcome back for
Day 3 of Gorefest. I know the last two films were sadly lacking in
the gore department and the nudity was not vast but I am pretty
certain this film offer both in a larger abundance. This mutilation
of moving pictures is a loose sequel of the 1963 Herschell Gordon
Lewis exploitation horror film Blood Feast in which a caterer of
alleged Egyptian decent murdered and butchered women in Miami
serving their parts to bring life to an Egyptian goddess. 24 years
later a film in the vicinity of offered a similar story line. This
is Blood Diner.
Dad hide the eggs good this year! |
Our story opens with convenient plot
device telling us on the radio to stay indoors because of a mad dog
killer is on the loose with a meat cleaver in one hand and his junk
in another. Boy I think I can manage to avoid that weird wang
handling fellow easily. Two young lads are left unattended as mom
announces she needs Tampons, the house is broken into by what sounds
like Jason Vorhees but is actually the boys' uncle Anwar Namtut (Drew
Godderis of Blood Diner, Evil Spawn, The Underachievers, Cannibal
Hookers and Deep Space) who taught the boys of the goddess
Sheetar and the dark magics to go with it. He hands off a couple of
cheap looking amulets that is 5 million years of age and must be
cared for at all time. Yeah I have called horse crap at this point
but moving on.
20 years later, The Tutman brothers
Michael (Rick Burks of Blood Diner and The Underachivers)
and George (Carl Crew of Blood Diner, The Underachievers, Gross
Out, The Secret Life: Jeffery Dahmer, Urban Legends and Ironhorse)
have been brainwashed er um I mean nurtured by their uncle Anwar into
resurrecting an ancient goddess to this plane of existence. How
kooky is dear Uncle Anwar? Well... he is pretty much a brain and
eyes in a jar. Yeah guess he communicates from the great beyond (or
the great divide) but apparently the lads' mission is to
bring about the goddess Sheetar (Tanya Papanicolas of Vamp,
Vicious Lips, Blood Diner and Run If You Can). Still unclear
if she is Egyptian or Sumerian. It was a tad bit hazy there.
Scientology takes another helpless victim! |
Our little sociopaths are moving with
cunning and guile... or the close proximity of such, hacking up
jiggly girls for the coming of Sheetar. But enough of that. Topless
cheerleader aerobics!!! No seriously, these girls are shaking more
than their pom poms. Kinda hope they smacked the director after the
jarring jigging. Trying to solve this slew of murders is crack wacky
matched team of strong, overtly independent written woman Sheba Jackson
(LaNette La France of Blood Diner) and sexist piglet
Brooklyn stereotype Mark Shepard (Roger Dauer of The New Mike
Hammer, Blood Diner and My Lovely Monster) hashing out their
differences to create a better team dynamic... and probably obligated
to sleep with one another.
Will the dynamic detectives deduce the
dastardly deeds? Will the cannibalistic cooks conjure their goddess?
Will Uncle Antwar ever be transplanted into a new body?
I have some complaints on our movie.
The continuity of shooting in the afternoon and finishing up at night
yet it is clearly no transition in time. Lots of POV shots looks like
a stalker is on the prowl. Most of the music while on synthesizer
is uplifting and goofy during horror scenes. It sounds like Legend
of Zelda: Ocarina of Time's background theme. Originally intended to
be Herschell Gordon Lewis' sequel to Blood Feast, it was decided to
be able to stand on its own as an original concept.
That being said, is not meant to be
taken seriously as it a dark comedy horror. The gore gags are fair
and impressive for their day. The characters collectively are so
damn goofy it is a wonder if you could encounter them in real life
aside from at an asylum. The story is decidedly cheesy, the jokes
are incredibly sexist and it is meant to be damn screwy.
With sight gags, slapstick humor and a
plot so far fetched it is actually amusing. For the gore fans, limbs
go all over the place. For the jiggly girl nudie fans, hey plenty of
that. For those with a mildly warped mind interested is something
just bizarre, graphic but humorous. Have at it! I'd skip putting
the kids in front of it but that is just me.
Damn, she has a really deep purse! |
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