Hospital Massacre

Well welcome back readers and Happy Valentine's Day. Now I was convinced there were no more Valentine's Day themed horror films. Oh how I was wrong. Point in fact, I discovered a slasher film based around Valentine's Day past, a spurned horny guy became a crazed horny guy and it also has alternative titles. This is Hospital Massacre a.k.a. X-Ray a.k.a. Ward 13 a.k.a. Be My Valentine, or Else...

Darkman??!!

Penned by writer Marc Behm (The Return of Dr. Mabuse, Help!, Someone Behind the Door, Lady Chatterley's Lover, Deadly Circuit and Eye of the Beholder), we go right to title cards and eerie music intro. Sets the tone that we are in Horror movie territory and I appreciate that. The year is 1961 and a less than popular boy name of Harold leaves a Valentine's Day card for a girl Susan. Susan and her friend David outright mock Harold. Harold snaps, breaks into the house and offs David with of all things, a hatstand? FYI, the house is Valentine decorated. I didn't even think that was a thing, let alone in 1961.

19 years later Susan (Playboy Playmate Barbi Benton of ChiPs, Fantasy Island, Deathstalker, Riptide and The Love Boat) is all grown up, divorced and has a daughter Eva (Tammy Simpson of X-Ray and All Summer in a Day). Smug ass ex-husband Tom (Jimmy Stathis of Dogs, The Black Room, Vultures, Drug Runners, Double Deception and House) seems to almost hold Eva in distain. Mommy's little white lie. Probably not mine. Okay, that is the vibe I get of this cat. Ex-hubby gets an evil orchestral tune as well.

Death by Coat Rack!!!

With her new boyfriend, Jack (Jon Van Ness of Tourist Trap, Some Kind of Hero, In the Custody of Strangers, The Natural, The Hitcher, Aligator II: The Mutation and Supernatural), Susan needs to stop off at the hospital for a routine check up...or is it? DUN DUN DUN!! Jack points out "Isn't this the hospital that had all that trouble last year?" Well that is minor exposition so I won't slap you, Jack. This time.

Fair warning, there is a sea of red herring in our flick so get your waders on. Hospital intern Harry (Charles Lucia of Hill Street Blues, Lou Grant, T.J. Hooker, Stingray, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Tank Girl, Indecent Behavior III and Edie & Pen) is one of those overtly friendly guys around anyone with boobs. The "I'm two drinks away from peeping in your window creeper," kind of guy.

Meanwhile a man in surgical scrubs roams the hospital, as most doctors do, but to a creepy theme track. The killer perhaps??

One of the doctors is killed by said scrubs and he tampers with her file. Doctors Saxon and Beam read this paperwork and clearly establishes Susan is unstable and should be detained for 42 hours of observation. Meanwhile this is a new chart. She looks a bit put out as these lies aren't registering with her doctors. You've been coming to them for HOW LONG??!!!

Hey Earl, this chart says she belongs in da wacko basket! WTF, movie? WTF.

I did laugh my ass off at the name Nurse Kitty. Yeah it just sounded straight out of some cheesy porno. Nurse Kitty! I need you to take their temperature! Deep!

With severed heads being snuck into her room, wayward boyfriend Jack must have fallen asleep...FOR HOURS!!! Good God, man. Didn't you need food, drink or even a sound piss?! She did say she'd be a few minutes. Maybe he concluded it would be like shopping for shoes for a few minutes and figured, "Meh I can get a nap in."

"My God, they're real!"

Yes my piggy manchild readers, there's some skin in this 80s slasher film. Yeah I knew the plot wouldn't keep your attention so don't worry, there are boobs.

Will the bodies stack like cord wood? Will any sense be made of the script? Who is the killer, besides the obvious guy??

So interesting trivia, they actually had an abandoned hospital to shoot this all in. Mind you, that could mean random hobos, rats the size of a hubcap and rivers of piss down the hallways but overall; they didn't have to worry about blocking the building or censoring actual patients.

Apparently the room was packed during Barbi Benton's nude scene. Go figure. I for one was shocked. Why she had to be nude for an examination that wasn't even a breast exam??

This slasher has all the hallmarks of Final Exam or Hide and Go Shriek. A stand alone film that didn't need or warrant a sequel but, of course the perposterious scenario of happenings was really less than feasible. Some good ideas but not well executed. Decent cast and crew, just goofy story.

"Yes, they're real."