Crocodile II: Death Swamp

Okay and I am back from yesterday's creature feature goofy goodness. But according to IMDB and we know how it NEVER fails us, there's a sequel to Crocodile. But how can that be? Did Princess live near Amity, sense another croc is coming for her family, fly down to the Bahamas, get romantically involved with Michael Caine and then kill the croc? Or is that another flick?

Any rate, this next movie has no ties to Crocodile WHATSOEVER. This as best reeks of Foreign distributions; when they link a film similar to a per-existing film and create a near franchise. So this would be a sequel in NAME ONLY. This is Crocodile 2: Death Swamp a.k.a. Crocodile II a.k.a. Death Roll a.k.a. Crocodile 2: Death Roll

Totally.

Yup when it's got that many alternative titles, you just know...it's a fifty-fifty chance you will be butt hurt from the movie. Our opus opens with a bank heist. Yeah! I'm guessing the bank was insured by the crocodile rather than the FDIC. The heist is handled and these four morons manage to not shoot themselves in the foot, waste about 3 guards and they're outta there! Cut to Mia (Heidi Lenhart of Creepy Crawlers, Deadly Sins, El Hazard: Wanderers, Maybe This Time, Night Stand, Eagle Riders, Fame L.A., Au Pair, Beverly Hills, 90210, Final Ascent and Au Pair II), a plucky and perky flight attendant having a split screen heartfelt chat with her wiener boyfriend. He gave her a Zippo lighter as a present. Um...kay.

As luck or as the plot depicted, the four bank robbers happen to be taking this particular flight together. WTF??!! Folks, let's be real for a moment. Police are looking for four men that just took down a large bank for some serious coin. Divvy up the cash, go to a fence and get 75 cents on the dollar and walk the hell away! Oh and let's hit the point that PISSES me off! So how with the heighten alert of air traffic issues after 9-11, these knuckle knobs somehow just brought guns on an airplane. 

Call me Snipes again you mutha,and they gonna scrape your brains.

Head honcho Max (Darryl Theirse of The Jeff Foxworthy Show, Chicago Cab, Jack & Jill, Popular, Jesse and Spin City), his right hand man, Squid (James Parks of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, You Know My Name, Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money, JAG, Crusade, Stargate SG-1, Star Trek: Enterprise, Kill Bill: Vol.1, Deadwood and Kill Bill: Vol.2) and creepy raper Sol (Jon Sklaroff of Masked and Anonymous, The Guardian, NCIS, Boston Legal, Nip/Tuck, Bones, Big Top, Shark, Journeyman and Monk).    Seriously, I think Max just flipped through Soldier of Fortune for his top notch crew or his fixer was extremely pissed off at him.

So the plane lands in the swamps that aren't swamps and this plane crash made national news in less than two hours. Wow. That is impressive coverage.   Wiener boy Zach (Chuck Walczak of Costello, Just Shoot Me!, Pensacola: Wings of Gold, Cover Me: Based on the True Life of an FBI Family, ER, 24, First Monday and JAG) wanted his girl in Acapulco and he's flipping out. Fortunately he's in a bar with an ace pilot and his wookie. No wait, that's some other flick. Former Navy SEAL pilot/tracker, Roland (Martin Kove of Bloodtide, The Karate Kid, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cagney & Lacey, Wyatt Earp, Death Match, Savage Season and VFW) is ready for a charter...when he sobers up a bit. The dude has been tossing them back. 

Our bumble-some bank robbers feeling they haven't jacked up enough felonies, proceed to execute the injured because...Yeah I have absolutely no idea. The passengers cannot tattle, most don't have a phone and they're miles from anyone. Grab your money and book! Nope better to make them hostages cuz ya never know.

30 minutes into the flick and we finally saw crockers. I and a few friends are trying desperately to link the two movies, so the basic theory is the croc they did kill with guns was the baby croc in the first film, now mama croc is on another rampage. Yeah kinda feel we did more work than the writers there.

So we have a pretty abysmal CGI crock of shit er um I mean crocodile, some decent stunts and thankfully Martin Kove.

Will there be any passengers left? Will Roland and Weener Boy save Mia? Is Mama Croc bulletproof like in the first film?

I'm going to be honest, aside from James Parks and Martin Kove I barely recognized Heidi Lenhart and had no clue who most of the actors were. I kept calling Max as "Almost Snipes" due to the thin mustache Snipes wore in Blade. Yup, there wasn't a lot of thought process there but I wanted to match the intensity of the film. The scenes drag on, people are picked off by Mama Rampage there and frankly, I barely had the energy to mock/riff the film as it dulled my senses.

Quick FYI to the parents. Um the swearing is substantial. A 125 f bombs and about 50 mf bombs so yeah, there's that.

If you're looking for a sleep aid, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp is a good start. A hard hitting action movie, with clever one-liners, an amazing cast and deep meaningful dialogue and story telling, again go watch Jaws. My mind is going numb just writing this review, imagine what watching the film can do to your psyche. The sequel should star Roland and his newly acquired poodle, Princess as these two hire out to the highest bidder to hunt and kill crocodiles.

Worst Uber service...ever.

Piranhaconda

Back again with a creature feature, kiddies. At the request of my mom, who has been hounding me for over three years to lock my peepers for the upcoming flick. So firstly, it is a Jim Wynorski film so my brain went, "Why is Mom watching a film that will have enough T & A in it to rival the seventies?"

Now I will back up and point out she has a wide variety taste in films but every so often it would be nice to say review, Our Man in Havana by Carol Reed, or perhaps Howard Hawks' Rio Bravo. Hell I hear Sam Fuller's film noir The Crimson Kimono is quite clever and well executed. Mom, I love you but less of these flicks as a choice, please.

Then I remember Camel Spiders which was dialogue driven, action packed and a damn good cast. Loved The Return of the Swamp Thing and all its glory thus bringing about the TV series. So you know what? Let this newfound appreciation into Jim Wynorski take sway and let's give the move a shot. This is Piranhaconda.

So Kimmy, you like Scary Movies??

Shot in L.A.and regions of Kaua'i Hawaii (for jungle sequences and more than a handful of Wynorski's creature features), this is the sequel or follow-up to all the mad scientist hybrids from Sharktopus. You know the drill. Hybrid and gene splicing bio-weapons for the government. That old chestnut. What's next? Men in rubber suits? A guy mostly plant? Huh, why does that sound familiar? Anywho, back to the review.

Our credits start with some beautiful aerial shots of Kaua'i as Michael Madsen's name pops up and I am wondering which Michael Madsen we are going to get. Species Michael Madsen who was clever and resourceful? Reservoir Dogs Michael Madsen torturing a cop to 70s Funk or BloodRayne Madsen who clearly couldn't have given a crap to be there. In his defense, it was an Uwe Boll film. Yeah Boll, still think your work is crap, tired of the cams not on a stabilizer and if you read this, you still are mediocre at best.   Do something.

When capturing Michael Madsen, be at least 15 feet away. Crafty he is.

Grumpy aggression aside, the opening music sounds pure 50s with Jasmin Poncelet singing Piranhaconda. Yeah I think that will be stuck in my head for a few.  A bit blues and punk combo platter.  Lovegrove (Michael Madsen) apparently knows about this island and its genetic aberrations a little too well.  His camera girl and lone backup are instant Piranhaconda CGI snack food as Lovegrove beats feet.   Let's just say you have to see the conflict ahead.

Meanwhile on these lust jungle isle, a slasher film is being shot and my god, the poor bastard in the Jasonesque outfit must be roasting.  Diva scream queen Kimmy (Shandi Finnessey of Sharktopus, Piranhaconda and Garbage) is most vexed to a call time at 5 a.m.   She grumbles at P.A. Assistant Rose (Terri Ivens of Marked for Death, Trancers 5: Sudden Deth, All My Children and The Bay) while stuntman/slasher Jack (Rib Hillis of Empathy, Taos, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Groom's Cake and Sorority Party Massacre) tries consoling Rose for a drink. With sex. Well yeah, that hidden agenda was easy to figure out.

Debbie searches for Bob...to be honest I could barely make out what she said.  Debbie didn't look familiar, so a quick trip to IMDB annnnd..Angie Savage (Porn Star Pool Party, Malibu Girlfriends, Bree & Sasha, Give Me Pink4 and The Scarlet Manor) has done other avenues.   Love the suspense music sounds like a mixture of Dark Shadows and Friday the 13^th.

Cecil??

Rose discovers folklore of the area calling a massive creature the River Devil for several generations. Which begs the question. "Are Cool Ranch Doritos that good?" Uh I mean did the Piranhaconda occur in nature rather than a twisted amalgamation in a lab?  Seriously though, why do people like Cool Ranch?

Lovegrove still running around with his ill-gotten gain attempts to find wheels when he is held at gunpoint by Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model Rachel Hunter?? Well, there are worse ways to go, I suppose. She's part of a gun-totting militia/merc force just hanging.  Their boss is a bit of a wanker, to steal a British phrase and tells Lovegrove what's what and how it is.

Sub plot #4 has three girls wondering around for a specific orchid that blooms when it feels like it, supposedly imbued with massive healing powers. EAT IT!!! Be like Wolverine!  Dr. Masters (Erika Jordan of Stretch, After Midnight, Bikini Avengers and The Playboy Morning Show) feels she and her companions are on the right track. Oh girls, traveling with "The Doctor" could be dangerous. Jungle guide Leilani (Jenny Lin of Dexter, Californication, Bosch and The Burning Dead) got gobbled off screen and well... pretty sure Dr. Masters won't be publishing much.

Still laughing at the working title for the slasher film, Head Chopper 3. Almost makes you wish you could see the first two. The slasher outfit reminds me of Friday the 13^th Part 2 and The Town that Dreaded Sundown.

Like Camel Spiders, Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and Komodo vs. Cobra, Wynorski doesn't rely on the copious amount of nudity like others of the past.   In fact it is plot driven, character connection and dialogue expected from a creature feature.  One-liners and guns blazing.  This is good old-fashioned "B" movie fun.  A few bits of cheesy dialogue, action and for the sexist pigs still reading my blog, yes girls in bikinis.

Now I understand you fellas cannot actually appreciate a girl for mind, soul and body and probably more than a handful of you want to see these girls nude.  Well look it up yourselves.  Not your porn guru.  So if you want some fun and general goofiness with a flick, you are in luck.

Bobbing for girls!

Wil Wheaton Week: Python

Howdy all you fun fans and greetings to Day 3 of Wil Wheaton Week.   Well not everything Wil has worked on has been stellar, original or genius for that matter.  Every once in a while you just need to work and what could be better than a CGI- Creature Feature?  Yeah that will never come back to haunt you as your friends tease you mercilessly.  So grab a firearm of unlimited ammo, run like a ninny and use bogus scientific facts to back it up.  This is Python.

 

Yikes, that is quite the do.

Tommy: Dude, you got me out of bed for a spoiler?

Well let’s just jump right into our film with an atypical cargo plane C-123 in a crazy rainstorm and the vast airmen of two…? Huh?  A large wooden box of cargo unknown gets busted open and the plane crashes in what looked like the hills of Vietnam but low and behold it looks like it landed around Tarzana.  But enough of that nonsense, let’s follow the bicycle cardio nut John Cooper (Frayne Rosanoff of To Protect and Serve, Longshot, Close Call and Hollywoo) with his eco ways demands his brother Brian (Chris Cooper of Lexx, The X-Files, Power and Beauty, The Recruit and The Line) close down and clean up the family plant and they have conflicting ideologies of what the family business should be…yawn.   Unnecessary back story and attempting to make one dimensional Johnny Boy deeper and let’s get back with our creature feature.  

What's a nudity clause, Dana?

The snake handler and resident mad scientist Doctor Anton Rudolph (Robert Englund of Eaten Alive, A Nightmare on Elm Street, V, Downtown, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, The Mangler, Justice League and Spectacular Spider-Man) explains the faux pas of the amazing species of mammoth python of inconsistent power scale and properties and how valuable an military asset this would be to Agent Bart Parker (Casper Van Dien of Starship Troopers, Shark Attack 2, Sleepy Hollow, Watch Over Me,  Monk and Born to Ride) NSA go to man with the constantly altering southern accent.  I kid you not it sound Cajun at one point then something around Tennessee.  It was very painful to listen to.   

  But hey we forgot all about Johnny and his amazing story arc.  John and his buddy Tommy (Wil Wheaton of The Good Things, Fish Don’t Blink, Neverland, Naruto, Eurkea and Big Bang Theory) a salmon pink dyed hipster who is all about the Benjamins via real estate.   If he can just be raking in the cash like he wants to he can treat his girl right and blah blah blah.  I won’t lie that was a fierce hairdo and seeing him as this twenty something directionless goober was a complete change of pace.

Now I have just a few critiques of our thrilling movie.   CGI was fair but our snake could go break neck speeds of 50 mph but managed to slow down just enough for our one dimensional characters to flee from its grasp.  It could bash through steel doors yet could not leave the confines of a wooden crate without a bit of assistance.  The prosthetic tail used in a few gore gags; well I saw the strings to put it bluntly.   The deputy that NO ONE liked wasn’t even worthy of an on screen death.  That part did make me laugh quite a bit there.   Yes Johnny boy somehow not attacked in the last reel or even scarred with acid from the snake during the climatic end.  Still at the end of the day this was a B-Movie worthy of mockery and a paycheck for those actors including our boy.

I think I just wet 'em.

Tremor Week: Tremors: The Series

Back again Graboid fans and I know many of you are asking; is this damn week over yet??!!!   Well as luck would have it we are at the cusp of the end with the last project involving Graboids, Shriekers and Ass Blasters.   Yes I still frown at that last name myself.  Sci-fi channel found them in a bit of a pickle with the 4^th season of Farscape put on hold to the point of not having it.  What to do for that time slot?  Well the folks at Stampede Entertainment provided 13 episodes of Graboid, Shrieker and Ass Blaster entertainment.  So grab your space blankets to block your body heat, grab your SMGs and stockpile your ammo.  This is Tremors: The Series.

 

Next thing I shoot is my agent.

Burt Gummer: The possibility for spoilers boggles the mind.

Recapping after the third movie, Desert Jack moved to Vegas and left the business to a poor dope name of Tyler Reed (Victor Browne of One Life to Live, Rescue 77, Desolation Canyon, The Confessional and The Invited), former Nascar racer and adrenaline junkie.  As his gorgeous Charger is drug under the dirt by the sterile Graboid known as El Blanco, Burt Gummer (Michael Gross of Family Ties, Cool as Ice, Tremors, In the Line of Duty, Tremors II: Aftershocks, Tremors 3: Back to Perfection and E.R.) saves Reed’s bacon by lobbing a concussion grenade in the area of El Blanco.   

Miss me??!!!

With the loud sound scaring him off, Gummer and Reed head into town.   Meeting up at Chang’s Market; Jodi (Lela Lee of Flow, Yellow, Charmed, The Girls’ Room, Scrubs and Exposed) and Nancy (Maricia Strassman of Welcome Back, Kotter, Good Time Harry, Booker, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Noah Knows Best and Third Watch) try to get the full story while Gummer rants and raves about the current conditions of Perfection Valley which dictates that El Blanco is an endangered species and their land is protected by law but they still have to tread carefully with the Department of the Interior which was assigned Agent Twitchell (Dean Norris of Total Recall, T2: Judgment Day, Windfall, Medium and Breaking Bad) to deal with these insane Graboid incursions as well as another McGuffin device known as a compound called Mix Master.

 Founded in a secret lab back in the early 50’s, this agent could blend animal, mineral and plant life to new and exciting hybrids.  Due to the lab not being on the up and up, the Pentagon had the lab sealed but Mix Master got loose and proceeds to combine creates and plants to a vast level of sheer insanity making the valley even more dangerous than before.

Hate being El Blanco's catering service.

The cast also adds a former Vegas showgirl and the late Miguel’s only living relative Rosalita (Gladys Jimenez of Secrets of a Chambermaid, The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful and East Side Story), a sassy, brassy gal with a past she doesn't like speaking of.

Here are just a few highlights and critiques about the show.  The potential of this TV series was there but it was introduced on Sci-Fi after they announced they were not sure if they wanted to do more Farscape episodes so I can imagine quite a few pissed off fans and they didn’t want to give this “filler” show the time of day.  Its poor ratings really screwed fans of the movie series and denied the possibilities for more Tremors fun to be had.  As a fan of the movie however I have to acknowledge there was a bit of tripe writing as they were having adventures every other day or Gummer and Reed went out of town to tend to a Graboid issue so it was getting a bit silly. 

Snipe Hunt: In Color!

The crane, slow pan and zoom handheld was top notch and our boys from KNB EFX and 4-Ward Productions did a fine job with prosthetics and CGI renderings but guessing the fickle audience just could not settle down to this for the next 3 to 4 seasons.   Ah well that is life.

210th Blog!! Tremors Week: Tremors 3: Back to Perfection

Welcome back campers to Day 3 of Tremors Week.  We are in the swing of things on this happy hump day so why not have some more Graboid adventures?  I mean c’mon you have a fair amount of free time if you are reading this blog.   So what say we go back to where it all began?   So stockpile your bomb making material, prep your RC car bomb bait, and get your BFGs ready.   This is Tremors III: Back to Perfection.

 

Come fly with me!! Let's fly..let's fly away!!!

Burt: Need I remind you Jack? They are not your friends they are spoilers. OVER!

11 years after the first Graboid encounter, the town of Perfection has settled and getting a bit of a tourist attraction feel.  Chang’s Market has been taken over by Walter’s niece Jodi (Susan Chuang of Dharma & Greg, Melvin Goes to Dinner, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Cold Case and Escort Service) Nancy (Charlotte Stewart of Little House on the Prairie, Eraserhead, Tremors and Slums of Beverly Hills) gets her pottery collection is going well but she cannot afford for Mindy (Ariana Richards of Tremors, Timescape, Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Battledogs) to college. Miguel (Tony Genaro of La Bamba, Tremors, Phenomenon, The Mask of Zorro and Mighty Joe Young) is tending to his horse ranch and it is striving.  Out of town in Chile a Graboid sighting was taking place.  By the time the local government took the reports seriously the Graboid took on its secondary evolution known as Shrieker.  A hermaphroditical creature that doubles its number after enough food is allotted to it. 

Nothing phallic in this picture...honest.

Burt (Michael Gross of Family Ties, Big Business, Tremors, Tremors II: Aftershocks, True Heart, Ground Control and Combustion) has the right tools for the problem as these creatures hunt by heat emission.  Cutting close to 30 of these creatures down with a dual 50 caliber anti-aircraft gun turret he heads home back to Perfection only to find out some half assed nitwit calling himself Desert Jack (Shawn Christian of Crossing Jordan, Red Skies, Birds of Prey, Summerland, Boston Legal and Days of our Lives) hosting this mock up Graboid tours.   However the underground dwelling creatures may not be completely extinct in Perfection to the likes the town though. 

Burt Gummer is most annoyed with everyone letting their seismometer system go to pot.  Without proper monitoring they have no idea how long the graboids have been around and therefore no idea when they may become shriekers.  Everyone points out to Burt that he may be a bit paranoid and needs to relax.   Proven right Burt calls the town to action.  It is either them or the critters.

After combating a few shriekers they noticed husks have been shedded from the shriekers meaning yet another evolution has occurred with the creature.  They now can rocket to the sky with some sort of blast off capability and glide for great distances.  Jodi cruelly names these new species Ass blasters.  Yes, cue porno jokes left and right. 

GET SOME!!!!

I just have a few acknowledgements for the film.  Tippet Studio (Hollow Man, Blade II, Men in Black II, Hellboy and Catwoman) is responsible for the CGI portion and back to Amalgamated Dynamics, Inc. (Alien 3, Death Becomes Her, Michael, Alien: Resurrection, Starship Troopers and Spider-Man) for the animatronics and prosthetic creatures as with the previous movies.  

The blending with CGI and physical props looks better with this film because the use of green screens versus the blue screen used for Tremors II.   This film is truly for the fans and not to be watched independently from the series.  With the same warped humor of the first two and creature surprises yet again it offers some inside gags and in general has a good nature of silly.

Tremors Week: Tremors II: Aftershocks

Welcome back kiddies to Day 2 of Tremors Week and I hope you are ready for Creature EFX and CGI!!! If not; well tough.  When we last left our heroes of Perfection they had survived the great encounter of the named “Graboids” and each made something of their lives.   So grab some dynamite, prep a RC car and hope he swallows the bait.   This is Tremors II: Aftershocks.

 

Okay boys, let's go eat the ADI!!!

Burt Gummer: I am COMPLETELY out of spoilers.  That’s never happened to me before.

6 years after the Graboid encounter in Perfection, Val and Rhonda got married and are living off the dividends of the creature discovery while Earl (Fred Ward of Catchfire, Cast a Deadly Spell, The Player, Equinox and Invasion: Earth) sunk his money into an Ostrich farm…because he is really got his finger so far from the pulse of what is a good investment.  

A taxi cab rolls up to his ranch and he is approached by a fellow Senor Ortega (Marcelo Tubert of Man Against the Mob: The Chinatown Murders, Partners in Life, Vampire in Brooklyn and Leprechaun 3) who owns Petromaya Oil Field and he must shut the pumps down due to Graboid infestation.  As an expert, he figures Earl would be an asset to removing the creatures, saving his workers and getting the oil field up and running again.   Ortega’s cabbie, Grady Hoover (Christopher Gartin of Buddies, M.A.N.T.I.S., Friends and Family and Hitched) offers to assist Earl for a sum of the money.  $50,000 buckaroos per Graboid.   The Mexican government is offering whatever arms and munitions they need to wipe these creatures out.

Got Kevin Bacon right in the crosshairs...

 Earl reluctantly heads to the oil field with Grady and meets up with the geologist/biologist Kate Reilly (Helen Shaver of Desert Hearts, The Color of Money, Open Season, The Wishing Tree and Poltergeist: The Legacy) and her assistant handy man and tech Julio (Marco Hernandez of Cheers, Ghetto Blaster, Red Surf and Lois & Clark).  They have set up seismographic monitors to point out the graboids, Earl and Grady simply taunt them with a noisy RC car rigged with dynamite and boom!  Instant 50 gees!   After realizing they are outnumbered the boys feel some back up would help and call survivalist Burt Gummer (Michael Gross of Just Tell Me What You Want, Family Ties, Big Business, Tremors, E.R. and Batman Beyond: The Movie) to the scene.  

With Burt’s need for overkill, he is packing big bore rifles and enough high explosives to make a crater the size of the Grand Canyon.   After a few more graboids meet their maker, one runs away from Earl and Grady howling in pain.  It ceases shrilling and the boys go to investigate only to find the worm is torn out. Some sort of metamorphism has occurred.   Have the worms turned?  What will this new life form be like and can they stop it in time?

 

Hmm, wonder if anyone noticed I beefed.

I have just a few highlights about the FX of the film.  Tippet Studio (Hollow Man, Blade II, Men in Black II, Hellboy and Catwoman) is responsible for the CGI portion and back to Amalgamated Dynamics, Inc. (Alien 3, Death Becomes Her, Michael, Alien: Resurrection, Starship Troopers and Spider-Man) for the animatronics and prosthetic creatures.  The hybrid of both physical and virtual props does flush out more of what the creatures’ movement and attacks can be.
  

Spoonful of sugar this, Mary Poppins!!

The sad part is this was a direct to video/DVD film and could have benefited from some screen time.  The writing was not as sound as the original but that was due primarily to the creatures already been unveiled.  A decent enough sequel to the original but I would prefer more of the survivors of the original joining in.

Werewolf Week: Never Cry Werewolf

Evening boys and girls!!  Say what could I possibly been watching tonight that would scar the psyche of the average movie viewer?  I give you a few hints:  It feels almost shot for shot the original Fright Night, has animatronics and prosthetic effects less believable than Harry and the Hendersons and just might being something Kevin Sorbo wants to scrub off his IMDB listings??   Well gather up nice and snug, maybe have a flashlight and a forbidden lore book.  This is Never Cry Werewolf.

Spoilers may come with extra cheese toppings!!!

Cinematographer/ TV series director Brenton Spencer (21 Jump Street, Street Justice, Blown Away, First Wave, Dead Man’s Gun, Night Man and Stargate: Atlantis) combines his powers with writer John Sheppard (Armour of God, Mark of Cain, Higher Education, MacGyver, MacGyver: Lost Treasure of Atlantis and Robocop TV Series)and form Captaaaaaain PLANETTTTT!!!!  Well actually they create this slightly abysmal TV Movie for the SyFy Channel.   Brought to you from the terrifying burbs of Ontario Canada, comes a story of a new neighbor, inexplicable fog and dogs barking to the level that Johnny will go get his gun if they do not hush.  Kyle (Spencer Van Wyck of Knights of the South Bronx, Victor, The Lesser Blessed and Degrassi: The Next Generation) and big sister Loren (Nina Dobrev of Repo! The Genetic Opera, How She Move, Fugitive Pieces, The American Mall and The Vampire Diaries) notice an eerie fog blanketing the street.  Not so much the neighborhood with at least 5 or 6 fog bank machines but probably a portable back pack job.  Sorry broke the 4^th wall there.  The neighborhood dogs including the family pet are alert and scared.  What could ever be coming to town?  Oh also on this block apparently is a registered sex offender.  Boy doesn’t that sound like the area to raise your kids?  Alright perhaps abysmal is a bit harsh.  Less than satisfying TV movie but about what you would expect from the likes of SyFy.  

New to the area Jared (Peter Stebbings of K-19: The Widowmaker, Stargate SG-1, Jeremiah, Rabbit Fall, Cra$h & Burn and Murdoch Mysteries) is keeping to himself attempting to repair and rebuild his new home.  Everyone on the block as well as the town seems enamored by Jared except Loren who now spies on him.  Her gut instinct says something is off and witnesses Jared shape shift and murder a random girl in his home.  Or did she? 

With her Charlie Brewster senses tingling Loren asks her buddy Steve (Sean O’Neil of Common Ground, Prom Queen: The Marc Hall Story, Queer as Folk and Baby Blues) who is offbeat, bizarre and in no way, shape or form Evil Ed archetype for advice on dealing with Jared.   Enter Redd Tucker (Kevin Sorbo of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Kull the Conqueror, Andromeda, The O.C. and Avenging Angel)  a washed-up, has been TV hunting show host who of course is actually just a paltry actor at best attempting to salvage his career so yes he does get the Peter Vincent feel.  After Jared’s German Sheppard/Hellhound morphs and goes bat shit in the local hunting store, Loren drops this sick pup and he dissolves when nailed with silver.  

  Jared becomes obsessed with Loren and Loren begs and pleads for Redd’s assistance in killing Jared.   Redd comes clean on being just an actor and less manly than Marlin Perkins.   So the showdown commences as Loren rousts the silverware for arrowheads and makes her way to the lair of the beast.    Boy that explanation made this sound fairly good didn’t it.   Lot of handheld, some dolly and clearly the upper staircase shots someone had a death grip on the cameraman.  Granted we are free of most CGI minus bad temped pooch.  Old school rubber furry suit and animatronic head.  Certainly not the worst thing Sorbo has done and frankly he looked like he was enjoying the sheer silliness of it.   Hardcore werewolf fans may want to skip away from this title.

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Terminal Invasion

Back again boys and girls and say you know what we haven’t had in a while?  A cheesy alien based SyFy film.  Yeah I think we need to delve into that because it has been too long.  So hop in that easy chair, sample some movie candy and try to wince less.  This is Terminal Invasion.

Spoilers can be out of towners…waaaay out of towners.

It was a dark and stormy night; and director/producer Sean Cunningham (Friday the 13^th, A Stranger is Watching, Deep Star Six Spring Break and The New Kids) brings us a story of two yokel state troopers are delivering a baddie to the gas chamber for he was a bad boy.  Low and behold the snow storm gets to blizzard conditions and our hapless driver and passenger ride off the road and into a tree.  Without radio signals going through our intrepid trio must hoof it to a nearby airport to reassess the situation and tend to their soon-to-be executed companion. 

Officers Red (Scott Wickware of The Santa Clause, The Tuxedo, Land of the Dead and Snow Cake) and Tommy (Jake Simons of Driven, Adam & Eve, Godsend and Sacrifice) are weary and wary of convict Jack (Bruce Campbell of Evil Dead, Bubba Hotep, Spiderman, My Name is Bruce and Burn Notice) who is crafty enough to attempt an escape under their watch.  Add a crowded rural charter airport with ice on the runways and potential hostages and well you can see the risks ensue.  Airport owner/pilot Cathy Garrett (Chase Masterson of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Manticore, Creature Unknown, General Hospital and Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles) raises concern on the harden criminal but Officer Red assures the little lady that everything is in hand.   As a preacher exits from the bathroom stall the fireworks begin as Jack deduces the preacher is not what he claims to be and he bats the cops around like a tennis ball.   Free from his cuffs Jack pummels the preacher of superhuman strength with a fire extinguisher.   As Jack collects his thoughts the preacher melts and dissolves.  Yes, self-disposing monster and leaves with the fresh scent of pine.    With passengers and workers of the airport all in panic, Jack must still work away to get out of the area.  But who is who?   The premise feels like The Thing if it was filmed in a dinky charter flight airport.  

Now given the main location in question this is mostly steady cam and hand held, everyone is professionally lit, miked and good to go.   So where the problem could lie in wait?   The script was brought to us by writer Lewis Abernathy (Deep Star Six).  Yes that is two scripts inside of 13 years of each other.  Not really bringing a lot to the table but this Bruce Campbell fan is hanging in there for hopes of enough snark to get me through the flick.   With more or less one dimensional characters and a plot about aliens spying on the humans to collect data it feels a bit rushed.   Feels like a month shoot and away they went.   Lot of lag time between monster attacks, we get to see duct climbing that goes on more than 2 minutes so that is a lot of actor ass in each others’ way.   We see mostly CGI blood, a bit of tried and true karo syrup mix and lot of the pee wee heads or prop head of said creature through ducts and ladders.  You get the impression of the Wompa in Empire Strikes Back.  Decent makeup FX and the CGI is fair but I almost belted out laughing when I found out the stunt double for Campbell is named Duncan McLeod.  FYI he looks nothing like Adrian Paul. 

SyFy Monster Movie Week: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

Howdy folks I am back with yet another mindless violence ensuing creation of SyFy.  From catfights instigating from the malls of the 80's to saving the Everglades Debbie Gibson and Tiffany star in what can be described as less than terrifying creation that will be coated in more cheese than a tuna melt.  So sit back, take yer shoes off and sit a spell.  This is Mega Python vs Gatoroid.

Spoilers on roids!!!!




Former mallrats, pop singers to modern day actresses Debbie Gibson and Tiffany join up with SyFy Channel to create this festering turd of a movie of epic cheesiness.  Animal activist Dr. Nikki Riley(Gibson) broke into what I swear is the same fricking compound from Komodo vs Cobra and Dinocroc vs Supergator to release these series of CGI pythons and release them into the wild of the glades.  Unbeknownst to her, the pythons are killing off the local gator population and Dr. Terry O' Hara (Tiffany) retaliates with injecting hyper-steroids into chickens for the gators and inducing a massive increase in population.   These two ladies have more issues than Marvel and DC Comics could muster in 75 years.  While Riley stages protests and demonstrations, O'Hara is trying to keep hunters at bay, muster support for the cause of saving reptiles and manage to be a Spring bride ready for the aisle her hands are full.

 So whilst the two aging popstars embark in a continuous cat fight of ridiculous porportions the reptiles are massing and prepping to fight one another and planning to munch down on anyone associated in this conservation ball hosted by Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees to better spend money of a standing we as humans should have been doing anyway.   Yes, that's right; Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees.   Nothing but the finest for my readers.

Not unlike the Tremors quadilogy, this insanity proves to borderline on the absurd at the mass of height of 50 feet and have to be the width of a Winnebago the Pythons are tearing ass all over "Florida" i.e. California trashing helicopters, car dealer lots and gas stations.  Thankfully most of the populous is nowhere near this region.   Well the people that matter anyway.  Redneck of the region demand to go on a snake hunt and start blasting away in every direction that a snake isn't and guzzles more beer than a Fourth of July party.  As our heroes encounter Dr. Diego Ortiz (A. Martinez of BJ and the Bear, Remington Steele, L.A. Law and Profiler) tries desperately to warn O' Hara the inherent dangers to the ecology as both gators and pythons wreak merry merry havoc on the party goers as they flee to safety.  The lot must release a series of pheromones to attract said creatures to the "Glades"...that is clearly shot outside of L.A.     Yeah I am not kidding a lot of the shots are on the I-9.  For the California fans they will immediately realize they are not shooting in the glades.  My own father had the best chuckle watching the folks driving for their life.  The CGI and green screen is laughable, the handheld looks like they were handed off to Uwe Boll's epileptic camera crew and frankly do not go looking for stellar acting in this lot because you will be gravely disappointed.  

At best this follows the standing on cheesy movie night and go no further.  A pedestal it shall not climb. 

Sy-fy Monster Movie Week: Boa vs Python

Hey all.  Let’s get back to trudging through sci-fi schlock shall we?  And what better title to start us off then an epic battle between giant mutated reptiles.   So gather in front the idiot box, pop some popcorn and throw out your favorite MST3K reference.   This is Boa Vs Python.

Spoilers have become an unprecedented size!

When getting the green light for this film; writers Sam Wells (Shark Hunter, Hyper Sonic, Rapid Exchange, Epoch: Evolution and Phantom Force) and Bobby White (Ju-on: The Grudge, Tokyo Psycho, Captive Factory Girls: The Violation, Tokyo Train Girls: Private Lessons and Tokyo Train Girls 3: The Sensuous Nurse) bounced off the couch they had been living on, mopped up their bong water and proceeded onto our episodic story.   I assume pot or mushrooms was involved in this brilliant film idea. Director David Flores mustered all his magnificence we saw in Lake Placid 2 to present this phenomenal creation worthy of the finest cocktail napkin.

My main question is what suave, ruthless and cunning individual pitched this flick to the executives to cut a check for this turkey and how come he is not a political negotiator for the Middle East?   I digress and on to the myth in the making.

Our  credits open with an orchestral number, credit titles that give it an almost Army of Darkness feel and then the story opens with a wrestling match of two masked individuals known as Boa and Python.  You know in case you forgot what you rented or DVRed.   Vast casino owner billionaire Broddick (Adam Palladino of The Drone Virus, 29 Reasons to Run, Boston Girls and Stealing Roses) has been informed his purchase of an 80 foot python has been snuck into the states and on an 18 wheeler heading his way.  Happier than a pig in poop, Broddick nibbles on his girl Eve (Angel Boris Reed of Warlock III: The End of Innocence, Suicide Blonde, King’s Highway and Peak Experience) unbeknownst to him but known to the writer of said sputum, the python wakes from his tranq induced nap and is quite pissed.   A fight ensues, less than realistic explosion destroys the convoy (RUBBER DUCK NOOOOOOO!!!) and our reptile beats feet which is a feat in of itself lacking legs.  

This film is apparently a continuous of the said title Python as FBI agent Sharpe (Kirk B.R. Woller of Swordfish, Minority Report, Poseidon and Resident Evil: Extinction) is sent in to investigate the FUBAR of the road, assesses the situation and clearly he needs…a herpetologist (expert on amphibians and reptiles) Dr. Emmett (David Hewlett of Cube, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Splice and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and Marine biologist Monica Bonds (Jaime Bergman of Any Given Sunday, Son of the Beach, Gone in 60 Seconds and Angel) to track the python and destroy it with what you ask?  Why a genetically enhanced boa constrictor named Betty which is tagged and fitted with a tracking device to insure safe proceedings.  Yes, there is no recipe for disaster there.  

Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?  The CGFX looks like it is not finished painting the creatures, the reactions to the awesome monsters in question by their human actors feels forced and the whole film itself feels over the top and over amped to cash in on the moderate popularity of its predecessor Python.  A must for bad movie night, this film can be enjoyed around company, chips and a cold one.

Manticore...Hey isn't that Chakotay?

Back again kiddies and boy do I have moving pictures magic for you.    It’s got excitement, drama and really wild things.  Actually it has Chakotay leading an Army unit against a CGI monster but hey that could be wild….so grab a movie machine gun, load it with infinite ammo and brush up on your Greek mythology.  This is Manticore.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS PEOPLE

UFO Pictures strikes again with another monster film at the ready thanks to Writer (John Werner of Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes, Witchville and Rudy Blue) confabbed with Director (Tripp Reed of Walking Tall: The Payback and Walking Tall: Lone Justice) and if you cannot trust the writing for the third installment of Pumpkinhead, well what in life can you trust?

Two thieves decide to break into an antiquities chamber during the remnants of the Iraq War in order to plunder some treasure and make out like bandits… you know the wealthy part.  Pretty sure these two weren’t going to drop on the sandy floor and make out but hey I am not judging if they did. The only thing they manage to get their mitts on is a medallion with a lion’s head carved in it.  Looked like a left over from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.   Robert Beltran (of Star Trek: Voyager) portrays Sgt. Baxter, a hard nose Army vet tasked with capturing looters from the National Museum, insurgents move in and Baxter has to let the looters go including the two thieves.  A substantial gunfight ensues including some tight zoom handheld shots that really improved the overall effect.  Gave you that feeling you were in the thick of it.   Not an easily accomplished task with Sy-fy’s budget.  Mind you from the architecture you get the notion we are nowhere NEAR Iraq at all.   Again for the sake of the crew and cast that is probably best.  The buildings have a European feel on the design so a quick check on IMDB pointing out they went to Bulgaria.   I did start chuckling when recognizing two the sarge’s squad.  Heather Donahue (The Blair Witch Project, Boys and Girls and Taken) as well as A.J. Buckley (Disturbing Behavior, Happy Feet and CSI: NY).    The mission is SNAFU and they head back to HQ for Baxter to be read the riot act by his CO played by (in my humble opinion) legendary character actor Jeff Fahey (Silverado, Body Parts, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror and Machete) reams Baxter’s butt for failing to meet the primary objective of the mission, regardless of what happened and yadda, yadda yadda..  Hey wasn’t there a creature of untold destruction in this flick?   Let’s go find that.

  

Bumbling duo from the beginning set out in the desert to find their fortune.  Armed with a super secret, chocolate fudgy medallion of impending doom, our two thieves find themselves in quite the pickle as they unwillingly unleash the Manticore!!!  Meanwhile Lois Lane archetype Ashley Pierce (Chase Masterson of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Terminal Invasion and General Hospital) and trusted red shirt cameraman head in the residing villages trying to dig up proof of the whereabouts of WMDs only to find more than they bargained for.  Bum bum bum!!  Baxter’s squad is assigned to find the reporter and red shirt only to find the town has been decimated and a large flying creature with laser beams shooting from its eyes could be the culprit.  Yes fricking Darksied Omega beams style. 

Now admittedly I had a hard time buying our heroes as trained soldiers.  No rifle discipline at all, the cover fire was laughable and I felt like I was sitting through another Lorenzo Lamas film.  

 Well what can we say about this experience?  The acting was pretty good, the cinematography was impressive and hell the CGI monster had some decent chops.  It was a bit graphic for those of less constitution but c’mon it is a monster film about one of the nastiest creatures of Arabic and Greek mythology.

 A flying lion with the tail of a dragon or occasionally a scorpions tail, horns, claws and more teeth than the entire Osmond family.  From a historical stand point this creature is been in Persian culture throughout the better portion of the Caspian Sea region.   Aside from the quick lesson there I had fun watching this regardless if I found it silly in places.