Sequel in Name Only: Universal Soldier: The Return

Back again for the week.   Today's film gets many a sneer, scoffing and wondering how it ever got a direct to theater release.   With its previous incarnations became nothing more than straight-to-VHS in the day.  Two sequels that followed the release from disaster director Roland Emmerich (Joey, Ghost Chase, Moon 44, Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, The Patriot, The Day After Tommorow, 2012 and White House Down) in 1992 bringing not one but two action hero gurus together making for a violent and interesting premise.  And then...we have today's movie following in retcon glory with a disheveled, nipped and garbled concept.  This is Universal Soldier: The Return.

So I get no love scenes with this girl? Not sure I am staying.

From Second Unit Director and Stunt coordinator Mic Rodgers (Chasers, Maverick, Village of the Damned, Braveheart, Virtuosity, Twister, The Rock, Batman & Robin and Titanic) takes the director's reins with Emmerich's preceding works with the return of GR44 the dead man that was Private Luc Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme of Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Hard Target, Timecop, Street Fighter, Double Team and The Expendables 2) continuing to work in the field with the next generation of Unisols.   Along his side Maggie (fitness expert/former Raider Cheerleader Kiana Tom of BodyShaping, X-treme Energy, Cyberbandits, The Drew Carey Show, Universal Soldier: The Return and Family Law) they rate and evaluate the Unisols' performance, durability and responses to command.

Damn, Lord Vader is shredded!

 

The cyborgs respond, anticipate and react to a direct link to a super computer AI known as SETH. With a chip interface directly linked to motor functions and hypothalamus allows for tactical analysis and adaptation...all except what the Pentagon will do.   Dr. Dylan Cotner's (character actor Xander Berkeley of Straight to Hell, Sid and Nancy, Tapeheads, The Fabulous Baker Boys, The Last of the Finest, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Apollo 13, Heat, Shanghai Noon, 24 and Deepwater)life work to save American soldiers by implementing the Unisol cyborgs for major conflicts has been brought into question.   Three star General Radford (character actor, the late Daniel von Bargen of Basic Instinct, Robocop 3, Seinfeld, The Postman, Lord of Illusions, Broken Arrow, Shaft, Super Troopers and Malcolm in the Middle) tells Cotner and Deveraux to pull the plug on all the cyborgs and AI because Congress is not going to pay another dime on this program...that would save soldiers and preserve lives.  SETH gets wind of this and views all but the Unisols as allies.   Sensing a story our Veronica replacement/love interest Erin (Heidi Schanz of Se7en, Kiss the Girls, The Truman Show, Universal Soldier: The Return, When Billie Beat Bobby and Sol Goode) has snuck on the base to film the Unisols gunning down soldiers left and right.   Armed with SMGs and assault rifles, next gen body armor and a regeneration over small arms fire, Cotner and Deveraux have the codes to keep SETH from expanding beyond his own programming.

Van Damme is imagining all the ex-wives and the alimony payments.

Radford is trying to get additional support to handle the Unisols, Deveraux and Maggie volunteer to attack SETH on two fronts, SETH decides his programming, while impressive he needs a physical body to lead his men and transfers his consciousness into a super soldier tweaked with nanobots and steroids (Michael Jai White of Ballistic, 2 Days in the Valley, Spawn, Exit Wounds, The Dark Knight, Black Dynamite, Blood and Bone, Why Did I Get Married and Mortal Kombat: Rebirth) to be the ultimate warrior.  Can Deveraux stop SETH in time??  How much collateral damage is on the way??

Retconning away II and III which had a decent story line on how Deveraux and Veronica Roberts try to bring his cybernetic story to the press...and that story line went belly up so we are here.  With no ability to get back actress Ally Walker or Chandra West from the Straight-to-VHS sequels, our brilliant scribes decide to kill Veronica off but they had a child together.  Dead man revived enough to produce viable sperm???  Yup one of those you smile, nod and move on.   The role of Romero was originally slated for WWE Stone Cold Steve Austin but went to WCW/WWE Bill Goldberg instead. Megadeth's "Crush 'Em" which was Bill Goldberg's entrance theme in the day got added to the soundtrack along with Static-X's "Bled for Days" and Dope's Die Motherf**ker Die. The strip club used for the jiggly girl/bar fight scene is The Clubhouse in Dallas, owned by Vinnie Abbott and the late Dimebag Darrell of Pantera.

So what did I think of the film?  The hand-to-hand was fair, the gunfights were decent and the levels of explosions are what you expect from an action film. The plot was weak, the shoehorned romance angle was less than believable because Van Damme and Schanz had absolutely no chemistry together and it feels like it was edited and re-edited too much to meet the run-time allotted.   The bright side? Loved Goldberg's screen presence, attitude and overall awesome wrestling moves added to the scenes.  Michael Jae White's imposing voice, build and delivery of his character gives him excellent villain standing and I feel Van Damme came up short as the hero this time. White's basso voice and standing gives great mood to a story that was really lacking and shows he has acting chops.  With 40 million for production in 1999, this grossed domestically 10 with another grand total of 19 million with the better response in the rental and purchase area.

This felt more like a twelve year old taking your favorite action figures, crafting a story that has no depth or length and playing with them all wrong.  A testosterone driven flick is fine, guys but have a fricking plot to match the action scenes.  The female characters could have been replaced with cardboard stand-ins because there was no meat and potatoes to the roles.   Loosely translated, "Does she look hot? Can she hold a weapon? Okay, sold."   All in all, a solid action morsel but ill-conceived dialogue, decrepit conclusions and an unsubstantial third act.  No I have not really looked over the retcon over this retcon the 2008 Universal Soldier: Regeneration nor have I even glanced at the 2012 Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning.  It apparently has clone armies and well Lucas cured me of wanting to watch anything of that standing.

Should have gone for the X-3 Juggernaut deal.

Polished Turd or Hidden Gem: Knock Off

Welcome one and all to Polished Turd or Hidden Gem Week. Quick question: What is the single easiest genre to numb your mind and just carry your woes away? Nope, not a Romantic Comedy. Nice guess. Horror? Well if you are rooting for the slasher/vampire/werewolf/zombies then I suppose but I am speaking of the genre that takes all stereotypes, tropes and cliches, churns them like butter and tries to make a new spin on an old thing. Yup, action movies are the correct answer or at least the answer I was looking for. Whether it is buddy cops working out their differences in ethnic,age or sex, femme fatales, jiggly girls or bad ass women with cheeseball lines and a villain so over-the-top Jeremy Irons from Dungeons and Dragons would say, “Oh be a good chap and tone it down a bit.” So we combine the martial arts of the Muscles from Brussels, some Chinatown damage with moves and melee weapons, some explosions and a few hot girls to go with? Well this is Knock Off.

Oh God... I fell... right on my keys.

Marcus Ray (Jean Claude Van Damme of Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Double Team and Expendables 2) is feeling things are finally going his way. After being a designer fashion impostor giving nearly the right look to a low end piece of dog crap, he is off to start his new company with a designer jean label. With his contacts, his all-female staff and his equally sexist partner Tommy (Rob Schneider of Saturday Night Live, Judge Dredd, Down Periscope, The Hot Chick, Shark Bait and Norm of the North), a slick weasel with a head for figures they are on their way to bask in fortune..buuuuUuuuuut... imagine if you will a fine looking insurance agent Karen Lee (Lela Rochon of Boomerang, Gang Related, Why Do Fools Fall in Love, Waiting to Exhale, Brooklyn's Finest, Blood Done Sign My Name and Supremacy) tells the boys that the last shipment of their jeans were not only cheaply made but frauds to begin with (Yeah I am already tired of writing knock off) and unless they get their cargo manifests fixed they will owe the company close to 5 million.

Getting with his mischievous, underhanded brother from another mother Eddie Wang (Wyman Wong of Who's the Man, Who's the Woman, Gang xing sian sheng, United We Stand and Swim, Bit luen, Love Undercover and 12 Golden Ducks) who tells Marcus that he was paid a lot to move some shipments around and make a batch of bamboozlement and no one is the wiser.

In Soviet Russia, bullet sales buy blue jeans!

Did I mention Soviets have developed a micro bomb about the size of a watch battery that can be set off by any electronic chirp or motion of so much as turning it on and off?? So Hong Kong police not thrilled with our duo dupers, Chinese gangs and street punks and finally the Soviets want their balls as well.

Can Marcus and Tommy make it out alive?? Will there be more explosions than a Michael Bay flick? Will poor Lela have to suck face with either of those two jackholes?

A few comments to register about this flick now. I am not expecting life affirming significance from my action movie nor do I expect it to usher me into the plateau of a higher learning. That being said I dropped “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??!!” far too many times in this flick. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is Paul Sorvino doing in this? Why are these cars so easy to engulf in flame?? Are they running on a mildly stable nitroglycerin? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is with all the jiggly girls??!! Actually I know the last one, that panders to the chauvinist in all males sadly.

Our plot is already flawed when you put the name actor in a “EVERYDAY” scenario or workplace and not even attempt to make it feasible. I will buy the CGI in The Hobbit before I think Knock Off has any place in reality. That being said, this is exactly what you expect of an action film. Fist and gunfights, car chases and crashes, objectifying of women and pervs that enjoy that. This is not a bad film in the sense that it is choppy or poorly made. I spotted a few film flubs. An assault rifle turning into an SMG, back and again but nothing too horrible. Okay so I saw a dead guy in a boat tossing himself overboard as he was “kicked” over but nothing that terrible. Not brilliant but dammit you came to the Van Damme for some ass whippings and a few one-liners. Is it a polished turd or a hidden gem?

Got to be honest, I don't see it standing in many minds as that “one flick” with Van Damme. Mildly diverting, easy to entertain and most likely quickly forgotten is this writer's verdict. Feel free to see for yourself.

Shh...let the symbolism wash over you...

Misleading Titles Week: Masters of the Universe 2: Cyborg

We are back with Day 3 of Misleading Titles Week and boy this one was a doozy. Initially the story goes this film was made after a failed attempt at a Spider-Man movie and then a continuation of Golan-Globus' Masters of the Universe. The production company of Golan-Globus (New Year's Evil, Death Wish II, Missing in Action, Lifeforce, King Solomon's Mines, Under Cover and Speedway Junky) bringing us a misleading title of Masters of the Universe 2. If you have satelite or digital cable and this particular movie comes on the working title or USA TV title if you will. This is Cyborg a.k.a. Slinger a.k.a. Masters of the Universe 2 a.k.a. Cyborg 009 and Masters of the Universe 2: Cyborg.

I can take Sly!  

Our director Albert Pyun (The Sword and the Sorcerer, Alien from L.A., Journey to the Center of the Earth, Captain America [1991 version], Nemesis, Brain Smasher... A Love Story, Spitfire and Omega Doom) has a hit or miss with a modest budget from films brings us a tale of post-apocalypse due to a virus cripples the planet. A gathering of scientists and doctors in Atlanta have to journey to New York City to acquire the remaining piece of the research creating a cure to this plague. Pearl Prophet (Dayle Haddon of Paperback Hero, The Last Romantic Lover, North Dallas Forty, Bedroom Eyes, Unbecoming Age and Fiesta) volunteers to be augmented into a cyborg to hold the information.

The Jets conquered the Sharks!!

Her bodyguard Marshall Strat (Alex Daniels of T.J. Hooker, Starman, Werewolf, Batman & Robin, Star Kid and Holes) does his level best but is jumped by a gang of marauders led by Fender (Vincent Klyn of Cyborg, Point Break, Bloodmatch, Nemesis, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Double Dragon, Ballistic, Night Hunter, Prey of the Jaguar and Baywatch), a terrifyingly built man of 6 foot 2 and roughly about 250 lbs of muscle turns Marshall into a pretzel, manages to fight the thugs off and escape with Pearl. Dying off, Marshall tells Pearl to hire a slinger (mercenary) to finish her mission back to Atlanta. Encountering Gibson Rickenbacker (Jean Claude Van Damme of Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Time Cop and Street Fighter), gruff merc with a heart of gold he joins with Pearl to Atlanta. So anyone else getting the writer had a thing for musical instruments and brands?? Fender? Gibson? Marshall? Yeah maybe he was a failed guitarist. Can Gibson safely bring Pearl back to Atlanta while avoiding the raiders and gangs?? Will they save humanity or will it just be dust in the wind?

A little trivia on the film now. This theatrical and VHS release was heavily edited to avoid an X rating due to the gore. At one point in the warehouse fight fight Van Damme is fighting a guy and he just seems to teleport or blip away in the next second, which would be a great effect if exploited but no. Lazy editing and continuity is confusing. Cannon Films snagged Van Damme instead of Chuck Norris because his costs would not be as high as Van Damme was relatively unknown at the time. This was the last official theater release film from Cannon Films after they went bankrupt in 1987 and lots of direct to video afterwards.

Several of the costumes are recycled from Masters of the Universe. Most of Fender's outfit is from Blade in Masters of the Universe. Hope they cleaned the chainmail. The original script was to be a sequel of Masters of the Universe in which He-Man returns to Earth to see the Earth has been left a wasteland destroyed and conquered by Skeletor. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE GET THAT FLICK??!!!! Not a bad set of action scenes but the story drags... a lot...

Do you have soap in Atlanta?