Hollow Point

And I am back. Yes I have been delinquent in my writing. I am currently assisting my folks because they can use the help. I won't go into detail due to that being personal and not really relevant for this blog. Today's movie hails from the forgotten time of 1996.   Why, some of you weren't even born yet. For those my age or a tad younger, yeah you were a teenager. Our movie is brought to us by NU Image a.k.a. Millennium Films (Homefront, Rambo, Leatherface and The Expendables) and our director Sidney J. Furie (Swingers' Paradise, Lady Sings the Blues, Iron Eagle, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Iron Eagle II and The Taking of Beverly Hills) has managed multiple genres under his belt. So let's see some low budget, shoot 'em up action with some punchy dialogue and more than a handful of cars exploding. This is Hollowpoint.

So you don't remember me from Kull the Conqueror?

Shocking we have alternative titles Rysk Roulette and Lethal Point. Merging former rivalries of the Chinese, Italians and Russian mafias under one organization, Investment banker/gangster Thomas Livingston (John Lithgow of Terms of Endearment, Footloose, 2010: The Year We Made Contact, Cliffhanger, 3^rd Rock from the Sun, Dexter and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) has the DEA and FBI up his proverbial butt having one last major payday for his esteemed colleagues and that is all that is viable. He has devised a plan to assist his partners in their further criminal activities and keep them in money until the end of their days.

Breathing down his neck, FBI agent Diane Norwood (Tia Carrere of Zombie Nightmare,Wayne's World, True Lies, Merlin: The Return, Relic Hunter, Lilo & Stitch, Duck Dodgers and In Plain Sight), headstrong, determined and sadly low on the FBI food chain has been undercover as a means to get Livingston. The fiasco ensued and created a mass shootout with FBI and Russian mob that frankly should have destroyed a church. Seriously, it had to be close to 300 to 400 rounds dispatched between the two factions.  If this was a first person shooter MMORPG, these weapons were on infinite ammo.

Tia's hotness causes guns to blur.

With her assignment completely botched, Diane has to go back to square one. The head of the Russian Mob, Krezinsky (David Hemblen of Brainscan, Tommy Boy, Rollerball, X-Men animated series, A Nero Wolfe Mystery and Where the Truth Lies) demands blood and Livingston offers an olive branch of one of Diane's friends with the work to be done by an independent contractor Lawson (Donald Sutherland of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, M.A.S.H., JFK, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Punch, The Puppet Masters, Virus, Instinct, Panic and The Hunger Games), a freelance assassin with flair. 

Dr. Dick Solomon is not amused

With that in mind, Diane encounters DEA Max Parrish (Thomas Ian Griffith of The Karate Kid Part III, Excessive Force, Vampires, xXx, One Tree Hill, The Pirate's Curse, Cold Case and The Kidnapping) who knows about Livingston's cash and knows whoever finds the scratch gives it directly to his or her agency due to forced seizure. Now with the combined mobs feeling unease, Max and Diane are trying to deal with them, face their superiors, find the money and try to not kill each other with a shaky alliance. By the way, the cops response time in this flick is insane. They really book from location to location, it was a bit staggering.

Okay let me just point out, I enjoy the hell out of this movie. With the ridiculous amount of violence, explosions and one liners for our heroes and villains; this is a fun ride. Think of this as a live-action anime that is just nuts. I had so much fun with it.

All these parlors, I just want a therapeutic massage.

John Carpenter's Escape From L.A.

Welcome back everyone. Let's check out a sequel. It's been 17 years from the original, and the world is still in the sad state it has been. In the late 20^th century, hostile forces inside the United Staes grow strong. Within Los Angeles, the city is ravaged by crime and immorality, the United States Police Force stand ready to handle the offending town. A final 9.6 tremor on the Richter scale separates this wicked city from the rest of the United States. This is Escape From L.A

Gruff and green screened.

In the far away time of 2014, (yup still love that gag) with an presidential status putting a man in office for life, the President (Cliff Robertson of Too Late the Hero, Man on a Swing, Three Days of the Condor, Falcon Crest, The Sunset Boys, Spider-Man, and Spider-Man 2) passes laws establishing undesirables ranging from anyone deemed immoral, lesser or anyone refusing to adhere to the new moral order. The police encamp around L.A.with a 40 foot high fencing circling the town and the rules are simple. Once you are sent to L.A., you never come back. No parole.

Deemed the most dangerous man in the United States, an old soldier turned crook, Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell of Escape From New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, Tango & Cash, The Hateful Eight and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2) is being brought into the President, USPF Commander Malloy (Stacey Keach of The New Mike Hammer, Hemingway, False Identity, Lincoln, Body Bags, Titus, Mike Hammer, Private Eye and Death Row) and Lt. Brazen (Michelle Forbes of Swimming with Sharks, Kalifornia, 24, True Blood, The Returned, Powers, Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus and Berlin Station) to offer Snake a new deal. See kids, since NYC, ole Snake has racked up his fair share of charges and grievances and is looking ripe to make a trip to Hollywood.  

Trump's anti-immigrant laws are getting rough.

Air Force One has been overthrown by the President's daughter Utopia (A.J. Langer of The People Under the Stairs, My So-Called Life, Three Sisters, Private Practice and Kristin's Christmas Past), stealing a black box that controls satellites and its EMP (Electromagnetic Pulse) frying anything electronic including batteries and items and vehicles turned off. So Stealth bombers are shielded and...yeah that is about it. Really didn't see this tyrannical "moral order" having drawbacks or people opposing it? Really?

Snake goes in, gets the box and comes back. This is the mission. One way or the other, Plissken is getting a tan. With the threat of a virus coursing through his veins, Plissken has 12 hours to get the black box or the virus kills him. Have they ever been through L.A.traffic?? Thankfully Plissken ran into Maps to the Stars Eddie, Mr. Pink himself Steve Buscemi (Reservoir Dogs, The Hudsucker Proxy, Pulp Fiction, Desperado, Con Air, The Big Lebowski and Portlandia). Okay he isn't particularly useful but does have a few plot devices as an assist. The man running L.A.is no Duke of New York. Yeah sorry to crush Cuervo Jones' nut sack like that, but you ain't Issac Hayes, bub.

Piloting or poop think? You decide.

With an chance encounter, Snake bumps into (be still, heart) Taslima (Valerie Golino of Rain Man, Hot Shots!, Hotel, Caesar, Alive and In Treatment) as the two are snagged by roaming loonies not too disimilar to the cannibals in New York. Downside is they are set to be harvested for parts at the behest of the Surgeon General of Beverly Hills (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Crimewave, Mindwarp, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., Xena: Warrior Princess, Bubba Hotep and Spider-Man).

With this gaggle of goons, loons and grade A nutbars, can Plissken accomplish his mission and defeat Cuervo? Will he have to use salt and lime? Did anyone not get the tequila joke?

Okay so let's clear the air. Yeah the surfing scene looks pretty bad in green screen, sure. Yes a lot of the CGI for the helicopter was not great. Got it. Here's what I enjoyed. Characters appearing up in a John Carpenter movie.

Plissken getting into some smack down fights, underhanded gunning guys down and in general behaving like a proper antihero that he is. Russell slimmed and toned for the role so he could fit in his original costume 17 years prior.  That's some dedication.  This is also the only Carpenter sequel, Carpenter himself directed. Yeah Halloween II, Vampires: Los Muertos and the godforsaken prequel, The Thing not directed by John. Well a handful of scenes in the original Halloween II but other than that, those flicks are handled by others.

Let's see...funny trivia. Ah, both Bruce Campbell and Kurt Russell have been doubled by the bizarrely named cowboy stuntman John "Johnny" Casino. Both were also in the Disney superhero film, Sky High in spite of not having any scenes together.

This flick was stuck in development hell for over a decade. The first script commissioned was deemed too campy and was unlikely to be made until Russell told Carpenter he wanted to play Plissken again and pushed to getting it off the ground. Making only half of its budget back, 25 million to a 50 million budget, I had fun with it. Many folks complained it was too violent a movie or far too similar to the original. Aside from a handful of nitpicks, I got to see my favorite antihero back, making an impact and being a true badass.

Blam!

Sequel in Name Only: Universal Soldier: The Return

Back again for the week.   Today's film gets many a sneer, scoffing and wondering how it ever got a direct to theater release.   With its previous incarnations became nothing more than straight-to-VHS in the day.  Two sequels that followed the release from disaster director Roland Emmerich (Joey, Ghost Chase, Moon 44, Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, The Patriot, The Day After Tommorow, 2012 and White House Down) in 1992 bringing not one but two action hero gurus together making for a violent and interesting premise.  And then...we have today's movie following in retcon glory with a disheveled, nipped and garbled concept.  This is Universal Soldier: The Return.

So I get no love scenes with this girl? Not sure I am staying.

From Second Unit Director and Stunt coordinator Mic Rodgers (Chasers, Maverick, Village of the Damned, Braveheart, Virtuosity, Twister, The Rock, Batman & Robin and Titanic) takes the director's reins with Emmerich's preceding works with the return of GR44 the dead man that was Private Luc Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme of Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier, Hard Target, Timecop, Street Fighter, Double Team and The Expendables 2) continuing to work in the field with the next generation of Unisols.   Along his side Maggie (fitness expert/former Raider Cheerleader Kiana Tom of BodyShaping, X-treme Energy, Cyberbandits, The Drew Carey Show, Universal Soldier: The Return and Family Law) they rate and evaluate the Unisols' performance, durability and responses to command.

Damn, Lord Vader is shredded!

 

The cyborgs respond, anticipate and react to a direct link to a super computer AI known as SETH. With a chip interface directly linked to motor functions and hypothalamus allows for tactical analysis and adaptation...all except what the Pentagon will do.   Dr. Dylan Cotner's (character actor Xander Berkeley of Straight to Hell, Sid and Nancy, Tapeheads, The Fabulous Baker Boys, The Last of the Finest, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Apollo 13, Heat, Shanghai Noon, 24 and Deepwater)life work to save American soldiers by implementing the Unisol cyborgs for major conflicts has been brought into question.   Three star General Radford (character actor, the late Daniel von Bargen of Basic Instinct, Robocop 3, Seinfeld, The Postman, Lord of Illusions, Broken Arrow, Shaft, Super Troopers and Malcolm in the Middle) tells Cotner and Deveraux to pull the plug on all the cyborgs and AI because Congress is not going to pay another dime on this program...that would save soldiers and preserve lives.  SETH gets wind of this and views all but the Unisols as allies.   Sensing a story our Veronica replacement/love interest Erin (Heidi Schanz of Se7en, Kiss the Girls, The Truman Show, Universal Soldier: The Return, When Billie Beat Bobby and Sol Goode) has snuck on the base to film the Unisols gunning down soldiers left and right.   Armed with SMGs and assault rifles, next gen body armor and a regeneration over small arms fire, Cotner and Deveraux have the codes to keep SETH from expanding beyond his own programming.

Van Damme is imagining all the ex-wives and the alimony payments.

Radford is trying to get additional support to handle the Unisols, Deveraux and Maggie volunteer to attack SETH on two fronts, SETH decides his programming, while impressive he needs a physical body to lead his men and transfers his consciousness into a super soldier tweaked with nanobots and steroids (Michael Jai White of Ballistic, 2 Days in the Valley, Spawn, Exit Wounds, The Dark Knight, Black Dynamite, Blood and Bone, Why Did I Get Married and Mortal Kombat: Rebirth) to be the ultimate warrior.  Can Deveraux stop SETH in time??  How much collateral damage is on the way??

Retconning away II and III which had a decent story line on how Deveraux and Veronica Roberts try to bring his cybernetic story to the press...and that story line went belly up so we are here.  With no ability to get back actress Ally Walker or Chandra West from the Straight-to-VHS sequels, our brilliant scribes decide to kill Veronica off but they had a child together.  Dead man revived enough to produce viable sperm???  Yup one of those you smile, nod and move on.   The role of Romero was originally slated for WWE Stone Cold Steve Austin but went to WCW/WWE Bill Goldberg instead. Megadeth's "Crush 'Em" which was Bill Goldberg's entrance theme in the day got added to the soundtrack along with Static-X's "Bled for Days" and Dope's Die Motherf**ker Die. The strip club used for the jiggly girl/bar fight scene is The Clubhouse in Dallas, owned by Vinnie Abbott and the late Dimebag Darrell of Pantera.

So what did I think of the film?  The hand-to-hand was fair, the gunfights were decent and the levels of explosions are what you expect from an action film. The plot was weak, the shoehorned romance angle was less than believable because Van Damme and Schanz had absolutely no chemistry together and it feels like it was edited and re-edited too much to meet the run-time allotted.   The bright side? Loved Goldberg's screen presence, attitude and overall awesome wrestling moves added to the scenes.  Michael Jae White's imposing voice, build and delivery of his character gives him excellent villain standing and I feel Van Damme came up short as the hero this time. White's basso voice and standing gives great mood to a story that was really lacking and shows he has acting chops.  With 40 million for production in 1999, this grossed domestically 10 with another grand total of 19 million with the better response in the rental and purchase area.

This felt more like a twelve year old taking your favorite action figures, crafting a story that has no depth or length and playing with them all wrong.  A testosterone driven flick is fine, guys but have a fricking plot to match the action scenes.  The female characters could have been replaced with cardboard stand-ins because there was no meat and potatoes to the roles.   Loosely translated, "Does she look hot? Can she hold a weapon? Okay, sold."   All in all, a solid action morsel but ill-conceived dialogue, decrepit conclusions and an unsubstantial third act.  No I have not really looked over the retcon over this retcon the 2008 Universal Soldier: Regeneration nor have I even glanced at the 2012 Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning.  It apparently has clone armies and well Lucas cured me of wanting to watch anything of that standing.

Should have gone for the X-3 Juggernaut deal.

Reader's Request: Samurai Cop

Okay after a few weeks of prying ideas out of my readers I finally got a request. Let me say offhand I was probably better off reviewing the Barely Legal Zombi Sequel Zombie 7. Yup the turd waffle I have been asked to give the once over was directed by Amir Shervan (The Owner of Hell, Young Rebels, Hollywood Cop, Killing American Style and Gypsy) so clearly if these titles are to go on, we are in good hands. This is Samurai Cop.

Leave my wig alone!!!!!

Meet Joe Marshall (Matt Karedas of American Revenge, Samurai Cop and JAG) a bad ass cop from San Diego brought in especially to rid the streets of the Yakuza in L.A. His partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer of Another World, Hunter, Samurai Cop and Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) who is clearly only two day from retirement working side by side against the Japanese underworld. Our oyabun, Fujuyama (Cranston Komuro of Samurai Cop) feathers his mullet with cocaine distribution, racketeering and protection. And any of you Segal fans out there will love the bad guy discussion/exposition about Joe as apparently he studied under the sword masters (or kengou) in Japan(didn't bother to give a location in Japan so we will say Tokyo for lazy writing's sake) and he is deemed a samurai.  Main henchman or Wakagashira Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar of Maniac Cop, Tango & Cash, Maniac Cop 2, Soultaker, The Final Sanction, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, American Chinatown, Future War and Hollywood Cops) feels threatened by Joe's mere existence and vows to Mullet oyabun he will dispatch Joe.

Being a samurai cop does take it out of you but fortunately Joe is no slacker. With his tactical genius of yelling at his partner to shoot, shoot, shoot and shoot during a high speed chase to his ability to inform anything with a vagina to will herself to “keep it warm” and to wait for him, it is no wonder the ladies love him. Traffic cop/helicopter spotter/patrol cop/love interest Peggy (Melissa Moore of Sorrority House Massacre II, Vice Academy 2, Vampire Cop, Hard to Die, Angelfist, Bikini Drive-In and Hellborn) is...so frickin' one dimensional I think the writer forgot to give her a motivation or back story. I know how she looks topless and in a thong but not much else. Seriously, other than her physical attributes, I know next to nothing about this character.

Uh-oh, that three bean salad is repeating...

Racist to Costa Ricans and Japanese a plenty, with cheeseball lines and music that sounds like it was lifted from Mega Man 2 or Jan Hammer's Miami Vice soundtracks. It varied to a degree. A degree is something our heroes seem to lack, along with procedures, basic Miranda rights and extreme use of violence on the job. Frank just straight clips a guy in the shoulder while Joe lops the arm off another guy holding a gun on them. Who needs pesky crap like search warrants, search and seizure when you can simply apologize for entering a house without just cause. Just on their shots fired forms in less than a week they would still be looking at those stacks.

I kinda got the vibe that Amir rented Lethal Weapon 2, decided to duplicate it and dropped the ball. Paintballs work just as good when you don't have squibs, right? I imagine they hurt about the same. Composer Alan DerMarderosian chimes with a background like: (Hobgoblins,Vice Academy, Mind Trap, Devil Rider, Red Room, High Kicks and Good Girls Don't) so his tunes are...very motley. The dubbing was the most painful as some actors were not able to come in for ADR (automated dialogue replacement) so at least 4 cops had the same voice. Not even a different inflection of the voice or alternative take, just that one voice. As many guys went flying through glass I expected to hear either a Goofy or a Whilhelm scream (stock sound effect used in more than 220 film and TV).   The most painful thing about this movie is the exposure.  Not noticing that lighting looks different throughout the day, this car chase started at 8 in the morning and apparently finished at 5 in the afternoon.  Also our bad guys only operate during the day.  Cause they are nine to fivers or someone didn't have access to some basic portable flood lamps at night.  60 bucks a pop, dude!  Hell borrow my lantern flood lamp, at least you could shoot AT NIGHT!!!!

Matt's line delivery felt awkward until you find out he got called in 6 months later to shoot additional scenes later on with his hideous wig. It turns out he was staring at a couple of lamps, they were not well-synced and he looks like a doofus spouting his dialogue attempting to be suave sounding confused. The lovely lady wig they gave him bounces through several times you can play a drinking game on his wig or real hair shots. I caution you, your liver may get pissed at you.

So this is Lethal Weapon on a nickel and dime budget, with no real retakes, time or money to consider. We are in the barren lands of indy film that paid as they went. The best part of this movie is they are taking it so seriously with the horrific dialogue, locations and car chases. The police department looks like a telemarketing center and the boss's digs looks like a split level house my aunt and uncle bought complete with the thick baize carpeting.   The only legitimate Hollywood stable is Carlos and Charlie's a restaurant on Sunset Blvd.  Ahh, Sunset Boulevard, something else I could be watching.   Remember kids, Katana means Japanese Sword (no it doesn't. That is nihonto).

Not Michael Winslow.