Back again for the week. Today's film
gets many a sneer, scoffing and wondering how it ever got a direct to
theater release. With its previous incarnations became nothing more
than straight-to-VHS in the day. Two sequels that followed the
release from disaster director Roland Emmerich (Joey,
Ghost Chase, Moon 44, Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, The
Patriot, The Day After Tommorow, 2012 and White House Down)
in 1992 bringing not one but two action hero gurus together making
for a violent and interesting premise. And then...we have today's
movie following in retcon glory with a disheveled, nipped and garbled
concept. This is Universal Soldier: The Return.
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| So I get no love scenes with this girl? Not sure I am staying. |
From Second Unit Director and Stunt
coordinator Mic Rodgers (Chasers,
Maverick, Village of the Damned, Braveheart, Virtuosity, Twister, The
Rock, Batman & Robin and Titanic)
takes the director's reins with Emmerich's preceding works with the
return of GR44 the dead man that was Private Luc Deveraux
(Jean-Claude Van Damme of Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double
Impact, Universal Soldier, Hard Target, Timecop, Street Fighter,
Double Team and The Expendables 2)
continuing to work in the field with the next generation of Unisols.
Along his side Maggie (fitness expert/former Raider
Cheerleader Kiana Tom of BodyShaping, X-treme Energy, Cyberbandits,
The Drew Carey Show, Universal Soldier: The Return and Family Law)
they rate and evaluate the Unisols' performance, durability and
responses to command.
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| Damn, Lord Vader is shredded! |
The
cyborgs respond, anticipate and react to a direct link to a super
computer AI known as SETH. With a chip interface directly linked to
motor functions and hypothalamus allows for tactical analysis and
adaptation...all except what the Pentagon will do. Dr. Dylan
Cotner's (character actor Xander Berkeley of Straight to
Hell, Sid and Nancy, Tapeheads, The Fabulous Baker Boys, The Last of
the Finest, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Apollo 13, Heat, Shanghai
Noon, 24 and Deepwater)life
work to save American soldiers by implementing the Unisol cyborgs for
major conflicts has been brought into question. Three star General
Radford (character actor, the late Daniel von Bargen of
Basic Instinct, Robocop 3, Seinfeld, The Postman, Lord of Illusions,
Broken Arrow, Shaft, Super Troopers and Malcolm in the Middle)
tells Cotner and Deveraux to pull the plug on all the cyborgs and AI
because Congress is not going to pay another dime on this
program...that would save soldiers and preserve lives. SETH gets
wind of this and views all but the Unisols as allies. Sensing a
story our Veronica replacement/love interest Erin (Heidi
Schanz of Se7en, Kiss the Girls, The Truman Show, Universal Soldier:
The Return, When Billie Beat Bobby and Sol Goode)
has snuck on the base to film the Unisols gunning down soldiers left
and right. Armed with SMGs and assault rifles, next gen body armor
and a regeneration over small arms fire, Cotner and Deveraux have the
codes to keep SETH from expanding beyond his own programming.
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| Van Damme is imagining all the ex-wives and the alimony payments. |
Radford
is trying to get additional support to handle the Unisols, Deveraux
and Maggie volunteer to attack SETH on two fronts, SETH decides his
programming, while impressive he needs a physical body to lead his
men and transfers his consciousness into a super soldier tweaked with
nanobots and steroids (Michael Jai White of Ballistic, 2
Days in the Valley, Spawn, Exit Wounds, The Dark Knight, Black
Dynamite, Blood and Bone, Why Did I Get Married and Mortal Kombat:
Rebirth) to be the ultimate
warrior. Can Deveraux stop SETH in time?? How much collateral
damage is on the way??
Retconning
away II and III which had a decent story line on how Deveraux and
Veronica Roberts try to bring his cybernetic story to the press...and
that story line went belly up so we are here. With no ability to get
back actress Ally Walker
or Chandra West from
the Straight-to-VHS sequels, our brilliant scribes decide to kill
Veronica off but they had a child together. Dead man revived enough
to produce viable sperm??? Yup one of those you smile, nod and move
on. The role of Romero was originally slated for WWE Stone
Cold Steve Austin but went to
WCW/WWE Bill Goldberg instead.
Megadeth's "Crush 'Em"
which was Bill Goldberg's entrance theme in the day got added to the
soundtrack along with Static-X's "Bled for Days"
and Dope's Die
Motherf**ker Die. The strip
club used for the jiggly girl/bar fight scene is The Clubhouse in
Dallas, owned by Vinnie Abbott
and the late Dimebag Darrell
of Pantera.
So
what did I think of the film? The hand-to-hand was fair, the
gunfights were decent and the levels of explosions are what you
expect from an action film. The plot was weak, the shoehorned
romance angle was less than believable because Van Damme and Schanz
had absolutely no chemistry together and it feels like it was edited
and re-edited too much to meet the run-time allotted. The bright side?
Loved Goldberg's screen presence, attitude and overall awesome
wrestling moves added to the scenes. Michael Jae White's imposing
voice, build and delivery of his character gives him excellent
villain standing and I feel Van Damme came up short as the hero this
time. White's basso voice and standing gives great mood to a story
that was really lacking and shows he has acting chops. With 40
million for production in 1999, this grossed domestically 10 with
another grand total of 19 million with the better response in the
rental and purchase area.
This
felt more like a twelve year old taking your favorite action figures,
crafting a story that has no depth or length and playing with them
all wrong. A testosterone driven flick is fine, guys but have a
fricking plot to match the action scenes. The female characters
could have been replaced with cardboard stand-ins because there was
no meat and potatoes to the roles. Loosely translated, "Does
she look hot? Can she hold a weapon? Okay, sold." All in
all, a solid action morsel but ill-conceived dialogue, decrepit
conclusions and an unsubstantial third act. No I have not really
looked over the retcon over this retcon the 2008 Universal
Soldier: Regeneration nor have
I even glanced at the 2012 Universal Soldier: Day of
Reckoning. It apparently has
clone armies and well Lucas cured me of wanting to watch anything of
that standing.
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| Should have gone for the X-3 Juggernaut deal. |
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