Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold

Hey folks. I am working this Monday and for those that didn't see their Instagram or Facebook, the lovely Laurene Landon sent me some 8x10 glossies and I thought that was incredibly awesome of her. So much so, I decided let's snag another Laurene Landon film. But what to choose? Hey! Here's a Western! I don't get to review Westerns often. This is Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold a.k.a. Yellow Hair and the Pecos Kid a.k.a.Yellow Hair & the Pecos Kid.

Um the mating dance commence?

Yay! Alternative titles give me the warm and fuzzies! Okay kids, we are back with director Matt Cimber (The Black 6, That Girl from Boston, Butterfly, Fake-Out, Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold and Miriam) so we are in Spain again shooting an Italian director, so is this technically a Spaghetti Western? Our opening credits feels like a nod to Western serials from the 40s and 50s.

Yellow Hair (Laurene Landon of Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold, Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2, 1313: Hercules Unbound!, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Syndicate Smasher) is a half breed Apache (Cue Gunsmoke intro music!) who travels with her faithful companion, the Pecos Kid (Producer/actor Ken Roberson of Rigged and Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold) have heard the legends of Mayan gold and set to go on an adventure in search of this elusive treasure. Mind you, Yellow Hair will have to bust Pecos out of the hoosegow before they can high tail it to the gold.

They have stiff competition such as a band of outlaws led by Flores (Aldo Sambrell of Shaft in Africa, the Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Voodoo black Exorcist,House of the Damned, The Black Pearl, Cabo Blanco and Last Harem), Colonel Torres (Luis Lorenzo of Waiting for Daddy, Children's War, Estudio 1, The Black Wolf, Revenge of the Black Wolf, National Adultery, Hundra and Eliminators) a ruthless, vicious tyrant as butch as an ice skater's partner and a plethora of Talupans, direct descendants of Aztec warriors (in Spain? Or are we in Mexico? Meh.) 

 

Italian Lee Van Cleef?  Nah.

Flores using a an antler carved with sigils and map runes, is well unto his way to finding the Lost City. Lotta lost empires and kingdoms, right? You notice this too? He and his crew are ambushed by the Talupans with a ton of rocks and spears. I'd point out they have the high ground and plenty of cover as well if needs be but Flores whips out his six shooter (the gun you pervs. I don't know the man's prowess) and starts a blastin'. We are treated to at least one Wilhelm scream, so yup official Western now.

With a ritual by the Talupan Indians as they sew a guy's eylids, hang him upside down and dunk him in molten gold like a chicken Mcnugget.   So perhaps not one for the kiddies.   Kinda get the vibe it was hoping to piggyback on Raiders of the Lost Ark or King Solomon's Mines.  Hey I think its story will merit its own following.

After bouncing Pecos around in his cell a bit, the Colonel is beside himself. Maybe a bucket of chicken would help. (Yeah cue the boos.)

Dave & Buster's of the Old West.

Yellow Hair's mother, Grey Cloud (Claudia Gravy of Rebels of Arizona, The New Spainards, The Nun and the Devil, Kilma, Queen of the Amazons, The Black Pearl, The Creature and A Dog Called...Vengeance) has basically raised both Yellow Hair and Pecos since they were small.

Yellow Hair is training against an Apache warrior and it's kind of intense. Thankfully unlike Charlton Heston in Arrowhead, you can root for her and not feel icky. And she did a Kirk double jump kick!

Half of these canyon shots, suddenly the theme song from Yor, Hunter of the Future popped in my head. Occupational hazard I guess.

Explosions, gunfights, fist fights fire fights on horseback! Near escapes from gatling gunfire!!

We got a lot going on as at least three parties trying to lay claim to the booty. The treasure. Not grabbing Yellow Hair's hinder. Trust me, she doesn't seem that forgiving for an ass slap. Really has a El Dorado gold hunt/Treasure of the Sierra Madre feel to it. Landon again does her stunts in this and let's face it, that is a lot of rock, gravel and next to no pads to land on.

She and Ken Roberson steal the scenes. Their chemistry is pretty solid and it works as a partnership. You almost see her having a kid brother relationship with Pecos but it could bloom into something else. Flores pays Grey Cloud a visit but she stuck him pretty good. Dude is a hot mess. Arrow wound to the leg, blade wound to the gut. It hasn't been a pleasant few days for him.

With a vengeance story underway, Yellow Hair seeks out Man Who Knows (Eduardo Fajardo o f Django, Maniac Mansion, The Shark Hunter, Nightmare City, Oasis of Zombies, Hundra and The Brother from Space) as he tells Yellow Hair the secret Grey Cloud held from her all these years. Will it bring new meaning to Yellow Hair's life? Will the foppish Colonel have his day? 

Read too many scathing reviews on IMDB just brow beating this movie. If you don't like it, fine. No need to make sound as viewing this film you sacrificed yourself to the film gods for the good of the fellow cinema goers. Personally? I have enjoyed the hell out of it. It a slow start for about 17 minutes but really starts kicking in the moment Laurene's on screen. A great musical score by composer Franco Piersanti (Tenerezza, The Spider Labyrinth, Open Doors, Corto Maltese, Don't Tell, The Caiman and The Missing Star) really sets the moods.

My copy hails from Mill Creek Entertainment. I know because the damn logo pops up every 8 minutes. This really needs a good Blu Ray release as well as Hundra. Make it a Landon Double Feature!

Periwinkle blue is working there, Yellow Hair.

Maniac Cop 2

How do, everyone. I really hoped you enjoyed the write up for Tales of Frankenstein. Today I am back in the B movie territory, of which is just fine for me. I mean when you have Bruce Campbell, Laurene Landon, Robert Davi and Claudia Christian all in a Horror sequel that many critics were confused with.  This is Maniac Cop 2.

Forget vengeance, howzabout a makeover?

Recapping right back from its predecessor, Officer Cordell (Robert Z'Dar of Cherry 2000, Maniac Cop, Tango & Cash, Soultaker, Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, Frogtown II, Future War, Hollywood Cops and Samurai Cop) plunged into the icy March waters while being chased by his fellow boys in blue to a watery grave. Now while this was all happening during St. Patty's Day, the next festivities is Christmas??  Hmm, methinks a continuity error.

Director William Lustig (Hot Honey, Maniac, Vigilante, Hit List, Relentless, Maniac Cop 2 and The Expert) is back holding the reins, so character, tone and eerie vibe is all available. Now many deem this a cult classic, so let's see if it cuts the mustard. Remember, Cordell was set up by his superiors because they were corrupt and he was getting too close to revealing that very fact. Left for dead as a bad cop in prison, he was coma ridden and died in prison...or did he? What did he find out? 

When the news just grips you.

Meanwhile officers Jack Forrest (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Crimewave, Moontrap, Escape from L.A., Ellen, Bubba Ho-Tep and Burn Notice) and Teresa Mallory (Laurene Landon of Roller Boogie, Full Moon High, Hundra, It's Alive III: Island of the Alive, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Death Game) still shaken from this first encounter, what with lopping his hand off with a chainsaw and...dammit. I confused my horror sequels. Ahem, with Jack andTeresa cleared of all outstanding charges, their knob of a Commissioner (Michael Lerner of Strange Invaders, Vibes, Harlem Nights, Barton Fink, No Escape, Godzilla and When Do We Eat?) is sticking with the BS story that Cordell died in Sing Sing (Sing Sing Correctional Facility) and hopes to put the whole killer cop shenanigans to rest.

He demands they see the shrink Susan Riley(Claudia Christian of The Hidden, Clean and Sober, The Dark Backward, Babylon 5, The Chase, The Haunting of Hell House, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Half Past Dead and Fallout 4) to get their heads straightened out. Yeesh.

Oh thank God, she doesn't have a broadsword.

Entering our film is clearly the themed bad ass cop that follows the Dirty Harry code of shoot, shoot some more and then go fill out paperwork. Detective Sean Mckinney (Robert Davi of Die Hard, Licence to Kill, Profiler, Stargate Atlantis, Black Rose and The Expendables 3) definitely gonna get the 80s tropes of the captain chewing his ass out for bodies in the streets, cars smashed into buildings and so on. With his partner gone, McKinney works alone. You know the drill. He'll avenge him yadda yadda

Pulling himself out of the river, Cordell embarks on his killing spree of society that done him wrong. Honestly can you blame him? Reporters made him out to be a monster, the citizens of New York turned their backs on the this highly decorated street cop and the justice system sent him up the river with thugs and skells he put away. Starting up his bloody crusade, he encounters scruffy, religiously driven serial killer Turkell (Leo Rossi of Halloween II, Relentless, Fast Getaway, Where the Day Takes You, Raw Justice, Raw Justice, Analyze This, Crackerjack 3 and Back by Midnight) forming an alliance.

One of my favorite character actors second only to Tom Atkins, the late Charles Napier (The Blues Brothers, Rambo: First Blood Part 2, Silence of the Lambs, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, Dinocroc, Lords of Dogtown, Quake 4 and Shadowheart) is grumbly, sour and gives a good performance.

With similar killings like before, city officials are nervous as Hell, the citizens of New York are gonna go to work, pick up the kids and get groceries strapped like it's the Road Warrior. Riley and McKinney each have theories but can scarcely believe them that possibly Cordell is back and the higher ups are trying to corner Teresa, making it seem it's her killing around town. Well I have seen the lady with a broadsword, bow and arrows but she's just not quite the same height and build as Cordell.  That is, until Cordell channels his inner T-800 and goes completely sick house on the station. Whacking cops like he's an overenthusiastic hunter.

Like many Horror sequels, the body count gets higher, the effects gorier and gives a fast pace of an unstoppable killing machine. Feels like the methodical attacks of the Terminator with the zombified staple of Jason Vorhees. The dark humor is still present but not as pronounced as it is for more terror. The original feels closer to a psychological thriller moving into Horror but this sequel is straight up slasher but with more back story and several layers. I can see the appeal and I get why folks are interested in the nearby remake and will it hold up. As for this sequel, not too shabby.

Well, he's no Bogey but not bad.

Hundra

Well hello, gang. Welcome to the first of February! I got an amazing response for Laurene Landon. I knew the lady has fans but didn't expect the love. Not to mention, the demand of a Cult Classic review. So with taking these notes and suggestions in mind, I will be looking at the 1983 Sci-Fi Fantasy with a need to breed. This is Hundra.

Message for you, sir!

Directed by exploitation director Matt Cimber (The Black 6, That Girl from Boston, Butterfly, Fake-Out, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold and Miriam), this is an Italian film shot in Spain. So you can imagine how interesting this is already. This timeline women are deemed second-class citizens similar to property, cattle and pets. A band of women felt they have had enough, broke away from the male dominant society. Took too many demands of grog and mutton, probably cleaning the keep and thatch roofed huts. This colony's isolation provided them good hunting, crops and fine hunts. Perfectly content with their lives, our warriors/hunters/gatherers know no commands or demands made of them. They chose to stay away from men until they need to increase their numbers. Yes, that bouncy bouncy activity.

All of them except Hundra (Laurene Landon of Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold, Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2, 1313: Hercules Unbound!, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Syndicate Smasher). A true warrior woman that has no need for a man. They are useless creatures in her mind's eye and well, not sure if I disagree with her. We got some beer chugging jagoffs, sexist butt monkeys and too many abusers with bible quotes floating about.

The SCA attack nearby picnickers!

With her tribe flourishing, Hundra is on the hunt while at the same time; a horde of barbarians cut a bloody swath through the Amazons slaughtering the lot of them. Kind of similar to Conan's village being obliterated in Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian. I sense a vengeance subplot! In minutes she finds the raiders and goes sick house. Hundra is a bad ass. Got to be close to twenty five men and she is gacking them left and right. Red Sonja has nothing on this woman. Time to loot the bodies!!! Um we do that, right? Hell just the horses alone should fetch a decent price.

Was a great little slapstick as a guy with one of her daggers in his belly tried to smack Hundra with a good sized rock.

Hundra: After the Hunt.  Oh, my.

Being the lone survivor of the tribe, Hundra seeks out the wisdom of an ancient elder Chrysula (Tamera of Hundra) who tells her it now falls to her that she must rebuild her tribe. The very duty she never deemed neccessary for herself. She must go south to the land of the bull to get her best breeder stock. Geez Grandma, don't talk to me about sex. Ewwwww!!!

Can Hundra find a man she deems worthy? Will she be with child? Can she rebuild?

It turns out ,a Spanish designed action fantasy game; Zeus Software by Dinamic Software for the 8 bit home computers for the Amstrad CPC, MSX and ZX Spectrum in 1988 also called Hundra, but turns out it is only inspired by the film and not directly related to the plot or character. Confused the crap out of me when I saw it.

Interesting bit of trivia is Laurene did all her own stunts with the exception of the tower jump. Still that's horseback riding, sword-mastery, archery, some hand-to-hand. That is damn impressive. My final thoughts? This is not some Conan knock off. Solid orchestral music by the great composer, Ennio Morricone (Navajo Joe, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Exorcist II: The Heretic, The Thing, The Untouchables and Bugsy) setting the moods of the scenes.

We got the hero's journey, loss of all she knew, a voyage into the unknown, actions and consequences of all such in the path. Landon has an emotional whirlwind throughout this film and shoulders it well. I don't get to see enough films of this caliber and would love my readers to start recommending more. 

Just dig swordplay and hunting. What of it?

America 3000

Welcome back my readers. For those of you in the Midwest, sorry for your blizzard wind conditions. Hope it lets up soon. Those of you in the West Coast, I envy you so much right now. Today's movie is another journey back to the 80s as we are back in Post-Apocalyptic staple. Yeah I know I watch quite a few of these but I thought I would explore more into the lovely and vivacious Laurene Landon's career and this title just grabbed me. This is America 3000.

Hmm, this one will do nicely.

Yay! Two alternate titles called Thunder Women and Thunder Warriors!  No idea why I love that so much.  Our friends via Cannon and Golan-Globus produced this. Written and directed by David Engelbach (Death Wish II, Over the Top, MacGuyver) our story starts 900 years after the bombs dropped in 1992, (making this timeline roughly 2892), the world has been reduced to a stone age (Thought my observation says almost iron age) as a tribe of amazon like women rule over the existing populous, making sure man does not overthrow them.   Naturally, this could cause a bit of tension.  Women decide roles in the tribes according to the regs of Tiara.  Quick warning, these amazons are very coiffed. 80's hair be there.  More than an assortment of loin cloths and shammies died for this film like so many Bothans.

Women on horseback, lashing their slaves to guitar rock. Don't you have to pay extra for that? Not up on my flogging etiquette, so I ask my male and female readers on that one.

Oops. That intern didn't get her coffee.

A young lad who tires of being a sex object and a breeder, Korvis and his laborer buddy Gruss flee from the Fraus in search of freedom and building their camp of sausage fest. Yeah I am not sure what's going on there but not woman one.

Grown up Korvis (Chuck Wagner of General Hospital, Automan, All My Children, Loving,Dynasty, Matlock and The Sisterhood) and Gruss (William Wallace of Beverly Hills Cop, Delta Force, Avenging Force, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Troop Beverly Hills, Born on the Fourth of July and Solo)strive to free their fellow man from this injust tyranny. Yeah, boo hoo. Oh woe is me. I have to give orgasms to hot women. CRY BABY!

Men are encamped and separated to needs of the tribe. Laborers, servants, seeders (breeding population control) and some are just for fun. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Almost feels like Gor for how the men are treated. Um really stringent feminism? Eh, whatever.

With a total lack of machines, damn dirty apes, my usual riffing is held up until the monster which looks like the offspring of Chewbacca and Meatloaf roaming the lands with a boom box. Won't lie.  I got the biggest laugh out of that. Then I remembered where they were shooting and had huge amounts of pity for that guy in his monster booties.  His burbles were less intelligible than Chewie.   I think he was gargling raw goat balls.   Hey, I am an amateur audio engineer with good ears. I know goat ball gargling when I hear it.

Glam Gal in Charge.

There are more primitive men called Plougats. Sloping foreheads, rudimentary hand tools, ridiculous beards and melee weapons. Apparently they can't farm so they ambush the tribes for food and probably for breeding purposes as well. No giant irradiated monsters so yeah it was kind of calm.

With their queen Reya (Camilla Sparv of Murderers' Row, The High Commissioner, The Rockford Files, Winter Kills and The Naked Truth) nearing death, her daughter Vena (Laurene Landon of Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold, Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2, 1313: Hercules Unbound!, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Syndicate Smasher) is to be the next Tiara, follow a map and sounds like quest time. Yup gotta have a good quest. Her sister Lakella (Victoria Barrett of Hot Resort, Three Kinds of Heat, Cheers and Russian Holiday) looks a bit pissed to not have been named the successor. Just an observation.

Thanks to plot device...er I mean a simple alphabet book, Korvis can understand English enough to realize they have been up-top an underground bunker, filled with firearms. Will Korvis overthrow the tribes of women?   Can woman and man live together in peace?  How many of these guys did they castrate?

In spite of this being a Post Apocalyptic film, zero skin and mild violence. Yeah this has a PG-13 rating so I was spared 20 billion rape scenarios. THANK GOD. The film is slow in places, we have time span speech that adulterates speech and pollutes meanings but I'm a quick study. We have a narrative that establishes certain facets of the film, filling in the blanks and overall it isn't a bad flick.

Unlike your typical cataclysm story line, no vehicles, heavy use of firearms, or real struggle against marauders. There is no demand of oil, water or political upheaval.

This is all supposed to be taking place in Colorado and geographically speaking that would be roughly Colorado Springs near NORAD.

Point of fact, in the year of 1986 our feature was shot in Israel. Kinda nifty, right? Colorado might have been a bit too lush and vibrant with fauna and flora. Sorry for the logo pop. This was found on a streaming site that taped it from Impact TV via TNT in the day. 

Grandpa...fading...

Syndicate Smasher

Back again blog fans.   No sooner did I finish up Green Lantern, I got a request to view an existing film that wouldn't mind a little hype and input.   I think I can swing that.  So it would appear I am going to be partaking in a 80's homage to action with stars Laurene Landon (Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2, Hundra,I, The Jury, Armed Response and Samurai Cop 2) and character actor Mel Novak (Game of Death, An Eye for An Eye, Sword of Heaven, Moonbase, Vampire Assassin, Big Guns and Nemesis 5: The New Model). Novak gives good villain in the styles of Henry Silva,so you are always in for a decent monologue but I think he's on the side of the Angels this time.

Action and Horror producer/director BennyTjandra (The LBC: Smile Now, Cry Later, Blonde Squad, Lovesick 2 and Nation's Fire) takes the reins with our latest movie and we will see what he can do with them. This is Syndicate Smasher.

Who needs Rambo? We got Mel.

First off, I love this title. It's a bit of a throwback to the 1930's Columbia Pictures serials similar to Spy Smasher so I'm on board. Our story unfolds in Siberia (Looks a tad bit like Bronson Park and the existing cave area but who am I to kibitz?) as an elite squad of mercs are moving in on their target.   Later they take Walmart. (Is joke, comrade. Is being funny) Sporting 50 Barett sniper rifles, the convoy they have in sight could be taken down before they so much as regroup and defend.

Jack Samson's (Jon Miguel of Rise of the Zombies, Parts of Disease, Blonde Squad and Extraction:Genesis) position is compromised when his headstrong partner opens up with her sniper rifle and bodies start stacking like cord wood and all for a 100 large. 100 grand is a nice figure but it's at least 50 to 2 and those odds sound worse than betting all on black in Atlantic City.

Jack's partner Dasha (Olya Lvova of Blonde Squad, PhoenixCatcher84 and Curse of Sleeping Beauty) proceeds to smoke these commandos all in the first two minutes we got folks dropping like flies. Jumping the gun? Oh just a touch. Jack and Dasha are looking down the barrels of quite a few AKs when the rest of their team proceeds to go sick house on that unit. Mel Novak's character Milan opens up with a .50 Browning swivel mounted heavy machine gun (yes I am a gun nut, get over it) and in true Rambo style, reduces these guys to lumpy gravy. Stick from Game of Death is back, baby and got a big boomstick.

Dara (David Prak of Pirates of the Caribbean, Inherient Vice, The Rundown and No Escape) gunning down and mulching folk with LAW rockets. The rest of the team efforts mop up.

This Hardee's shake is horrible!

 Man, those Serbian commandos shot worse than storm troopers and Cobra combined. Also FYI in your next lives, don't hide behind blades of grass to avoid LAW rockets.

That whole bit of gunning down carnage goes on for almost 7 minutes. I know it's difficult to hit a moving target but again I am harping on these commandos. Their training was crap.

Our team makes it back stateside and then it gets a little crazy. Jack wants the team to do a little wet work in their backyard which let's face it, is dicey at best. Feds, cops and military can be up their collective asses quickly and violently like a drunken proctologist with poor depth perception.

A contract job worth $300,000 for taking out one man that is clearly off. No family to speak of, a house that was ceased by the city and he's been hiding out there for four months. Bells best be ringing and Admiral Ackbar is there to tell you it's a trap.

Contractee squeezes off his fair share of rounds managing to not get hit or hit the crew, Milan triple taps him, two to the heart, one to the head and they roll. Not sure if anyone bothered to collect shells or not.

Off to the courthouse where reputed "businessman Dippolito (Nic D'Avirro of Renegade, Baywatch, Baywatch Nights, Desert Son, Rounding Home and Track of Saints) is cleared of charges impending from an investigation. A Italian mob boss? Outrageous. Clearly an import/export business...that may or may not move smack around. A lucky break seeing the only prime witness was greased mere hours ago.

Enter Detective Carol Driscoll (Laurene Landon) as she points out how easily that could have been orchestrated on Dippolito's behest and that she will nail his ass to the wall.

He's got a rocket for your sprocket. Hey Hey! Ho Ho!

Milan's team is getting antsy as suddenly half up front isn't happening. Shocking that again the Russian mob doesn't care. You'd think four man hit squad would be folks you wouldn't want on your bad side. I mean let's face it, a little surveillance, watch their habits for a couple of weeks and boom. They could cripple their operations pretty effortlessly. Again now we have Italians and Russian mobs. Oh this can only get worse.

The crew meets up with some low ranking Yakuza for a smack deal and these guys are old school. No chem test just a taste test. You can lose your minions that way, fellas.

Driscoll hell bent on getting Dippolito and enter one Detective Beattie (character actor Joe Estevez of Soultaker, Werewolf, Roller Gator, Lethal Seduction, Hell Asylum and Samurai Cop 2) dealing with three very dead Japanese Nationalists with links to drug trafficking and it's all coming up Dippolito.

With our fierce foursome dodging the heat, the crooks and probably the Marines next, it's looking pretty grim.

Let me just say this, if gun fight violence and blood spraying every direction is your bag, you have found your film. We have a solid story, decent pacing, scenarios I didn't predict and trust me I have seen me some tropes but I had some genuine surprises in this film. Not nearly the exposition dump you expect from a smaller budget films, some choice camera angles and a sturdy cast.

Gun play worthy of a James Glickenhaus and/or John Woo flick. Yeah, envision The Exterminator meets The Killers.

FYI, I loved Thomas J. Churchill in this. Two and a half kilos dropped in his club and responded exactly like I would have. Plenty of WTF moments and getting pissed. I has laughing so hard.

Huh, I deal with valet parking the same way.  Double tap.