Hundra

Well hello, gang. Welcome to the first of February! I got an amazing response for Laurene Landon. I knew the lady has fans but didn't expect the love. Not to mention, the demand of a Cult Classic review. So with taking these notes and suggestions in mind, I will be looking at the 1983 Sci-Fi Fantasy with a need to breed. This is Hundra.

Message for you, sir!

Directed by exploitation director Matt Cimber (The Black 6, That Girl from Boston, Butterfly, Fake-Out, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold and Miriam), this is an Italian film shot in Spain. So you can imagine how interesting this is already. This timeline women are deemed second-class citizens similar to property, cattle and pets. A band of women felt they have had enough, broke away from the male dominant society. Took too many demands of grog and mutton, probably cleaning the keep and thatch roofed huts. This colony's isolation provided them good hunting, crops and fine hunts. Perfectly content with their lives, our warriors/hunters/gatherers know no commands or demands made of them. They chose to stay away from men until they need to increase their numbers. Yes, that bouncy bouncy activity.

All of them except Hundra (Laurene Landon of Hundra, Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold, Maniac Cop, Maniac Cop 2, 1313: Hercules Unbound!, Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance and Syndicate Smasher). A true warrior woman that has no need for a man. They are useless creatures in her mind's eye and well, not sure if I disagree with her. We got some beer chugging jagoffs, sexist butt monkeys and too many abusers with bible quotes floating about.

The SCA attack nearby picnickers!

With her tribe flourishing, Hundra is on the hunt while at the same time; a horde of barbarians cut a bloody swath through the Amazons slaughtering the lot of them. Kind of similar to Conan's village being obliterated in Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian. I sense a vengeance subplot! In minutes she finds the raiders and goes sick house. Hundra is a bad ass. Got to be close to twenty five men and she is gacking them left and right. Red Sonja has nothing on this woman. Time to loot the bodies!!! Um we do that, right? Hell just the horses alone should fetch a decent price.

Was a great little slapstick as a guy with one of her daggers in his belly tried to smack Hundra with a good sized rock.

Hundra: After the Hunt.  Oh, my.

Being the lone survivor of the tribe, Hundra seeks out the wisdom of an ancient elder Chrysula (Tamera of Hundra) who tells her it now falls to her that she must rebuild her tribe. The very duty she never deemed neccessary for herself. She must go south to the land of the bull to get her best breeder stock. Geez Grandma, don't talk to me about sex. Ewwwww!!!

Can Hundra find a man she deems worthy? Will she be with child? Can she rebuild?

It turns out ,a Spanish designed action fantasy game; Zeus Software by Dinamic Software for the 8 bit home computers for the Amstrad CPC, MSX and ZX Spectrum in 1988 also called Hundra, but turns out it is only inspired by the film and not directly related to the plot or character. Confused the crap out of me when I saw it.

Interesting bit of trivia is Laurene did all her own stunts with the exception of the tower jump. Still that's horseback riding, sword-mastery, archery, some hand-to-hand. That is damn impressive. My final thoughts? This is not some Conan knock off. Solid orchestral music by the great composer, Ennio Morricone (Navajo Joe, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Exorcist II: The Heretic, The Thing, The Untouchables and Bugsy) setting the moods of the scenes.

We got the hero's journey, loss of all she knew, a voyage into the unknown, actions and consequences of all such in the path. Landon has an emotional whirlwind throughout this film and shoulders it well. I don't get to see enough films of this caliber and would love my readers to start recommending more. 

Just dig swordplay and hunting. What of it?

Forgotten Fantasy: Throne of Fire

Day 4 of Forgotten Fantasy is upon us and brilliantly I found a film that would look very much like an Italian Sci-Fi Fantasy. NooOOOOOOOOO!!!! Well who knows. Maybe this time around I will be blessed with a forgotten gem of cinema rather than a wretched turd. This is The Throne of Fire.

Stagehand poked me in the butt with a stick.

Helming this magnificent piece of moving pictures is writer/director Franco Prosperi (The Evil Eye, Slave of Rome, Hercules in the Haunted World, Unbelievable Adventures of Italians in Russia, Ripped-Off, The Funny Face of the Godfather and Meet Him and Die). The film opens with Belial snatching up a widow for his demon offspring. No we don't see any forceful rape scene so thank God for that. And then fade to opening credits. Seems a bit rushed but hey if it makes the movie quicker, you can hit the fast forward button for me too, Film. I promise I can make up a more entertaining feature. While the demon's bride is forced to give birth in the woods in a spooky cave probably containing Cave Dwellers and Trumpy from Pod People, Seigfried (Yeah I didn't just make that up) got a castle but worry not, next to no draft thanks to glass windows of plenty...well minus the stonework and all the fireplaces. It is Morak's destiny to sit of the coveted Throne of Fire. Crafted by Odin himself for a succession of kings. At least that is what they are telling us.

Cut some warriors fresh from the Renn Faire as no one has a uniform or armor matching one another. They are a motley crew with no Tommy Lee in sight they slaughter a nearby village and burn it to the ground. Some of the farmers sought to attack these bandits by gathering in the woods for a surprise attack. Yeah you can guess how well that went. They had plenty of time to defend themselves with the bandits coming in with a slo mo dramatic fashion. Maybe 8 archers and the whole lot would have been dropped. So intense is this pillaging they use archers with flaming arrows stock footage twice.

The taking of Clarinda Iowa!

A little over fourteen minutes in to the flick and not so much as a title card announcing 18 or 20 years later as Morak (Harrison Muller of 2020 Texas Gladiators, She, The Violent Breed, The Final Executioner, Miami Cops and Getting Even) is a grown man. Looking exactly like his father...played by the same actor only with a beard this time! The village next to be razzed was concealing the lovely and deadly Warrior Princess Valkari (Sabrina Siani of White Cannibal Queen, Cannibal Terror, College Girl on Vacation, 2020 Texas Gladiators, Ator, the Fighting Eagle, Conquest and Cobra nero) whom Morak vows to marry and make his dark bride. FYI, Morak's captain of the guards is voiced by Edward Mannix. IMDB missed it as he was uncredited.

Um it is a bit breezy in my loincloth.

Our protagonist Siegfried (Pietro Torrisi of Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Popeye, The Sword of the Barbarians,S.P.Q.R.: 2,000 and a Half Years Ago and Gemanikus) knows nothing of tigers or a fellow named Roy but in fact seems to be a hairy chested oiled up warrior invulnerable to harm, has a steadfast sword arm and proclaims that he and he alone will challenge the son of Satan's messenger, Belial to combat. Did I mention he is vulnerable to fire?

Can Siegfried manage Morak? Will Valkari be forced to marry the half demon??

Okay well slow motion dramatic entrances aside, this camera work was painful. Blocking your actor into frame is tough if you don't know how, transition shots of the fade and return and more jump cuts for bounding around or being turned invisible was a literal headache for yours truly. 35 mm Techniscope isn't a bad system but for God's sake put a damn stabilizer on that if you can't a tripod. The pans and zooms were worse as they would not stay in focus. Creature and ghost effects were solar mirror or projection which have a decent enough look to them.  So no oodles of nudity, forced bisexuality but a lot of greased up men in loin cloths.

 Cranked out to 89 minutes you have a pretty standard plot of good vs evil, the practical wound effects are fair, the story idea itself was clever and overall not a bad film. Yes I was very surprised I would enjoy this. It's the Seven Magnificent Warriors all over again. Still confused to why the heroes all wear animal skins and not armor but whatever. 

So shaven or beard?  What do you think?

Forgotten Fantasy: Iron Warrior

Day 3 of Forgotten Fantasy is upon us. It's time for an Ator flick! Who's Ator? Miles O' Keeffe as an American action hero/Sci-Fi Fantasy competition to Schwarzenegger's Conan films. Ator the Fighting Eagle and The Blade Master. The Blade Master is known by another title that stands out. Cave Dwellers. This time however it is not directed by exploitation of Sci-Fi, Horror, Post-Apocalyptic, soft core porn and creature features Joe D' Amato (The Erotic Adventures of Aladdin X, Creepers, Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals and Beyond the Darkness) but instead Sci-fi/Giallo/exploitation and mockbuster director Alfonso Brescia (Cry of Death, The Labyrinth of Sex, Nights and Loves of Don Juan, Battle of the Amazons, Super Stooges vs the Wonder Women, Blood and Bullets, War of the Planets, Battle of the Stars, War of the Robots, Big Mamma and Star Odyssey) continuing the saga of Ator. This is Iron Warrior a.k.a. Ator the Iron Warrior.

I miss my katanas...and Thong.

Ator (Miles O’Keefe of Tarzan the Ape Man, Ator the Fighting Eagle, Sword of the Valiant and The Lone Runner) once again back in the world, this time lacking his his mute Asian sidekick Thong (Kiro Wehara of The Blade Master and Interzone). Presumbably he moved on/died/faded into obscurity. Ator also didn't have anything to do with Mila of Cave Dwellers and this time is not filmed in Italy but in this time on the island of Malta, Gozo Island. Well for those that appreciated the camp that was the previous two films, this takes on a more serious tone. Gone are the days of giant spider puppets, evil John Saxon lookalikes and invisible warriors. Our opening title sequence sounds like a retooled version of composer Jerry Goldsmith's Star Trek: The Motion Picture theme or the Star Trek: The Next Generation theme if you will. For shame composer Charles Scott a.k.a. Carlo Maria Cordio (Aenigma, The Pool Hustlers, Pieces, Troll 2, Midnight Ride, Beyond Darkness, Quest for the Mighty Sword and Deep Blood)

You will bow down before me, Jor-El. And one day, your heirs!!!

We have Ator and his brother...wait what? What brother? Damn you retcon! So Ator and Trogar are playing in what looks like one of John Milus Conan the Barbarian sets when Trogar gets kidnapped by an evil witch Phoedra (Elisabeth Kaza of The Beast, Mr. Klein, And the Ship Sails On and Castle Freak) as they were playing catch with I am guessing is a dead tribble or a very furry ball. Maybe someone casturated a Yeti. Who knows. Off to the evil witch's trial apparently on Krypton as she is surrounded by the same spiral rings that General Zod, Ursa and Non were trapped in as the Council past sentence over them..except this council looks to be made up of Robert Palmer's backup musicians and vocalists. Lead witch/sorceress in charge, Deeva (Iris Peynado of Nothing Left to Do but Cry, Warriors of the Wasteland, Devil Fish, Baciami strega, Ancient Warriors and Elisa di Rivombrosa) claims to have created both Ator and his twin brother Trogar as her tools of justice.

Deeva will create a princess for the kingdom of Dragor and claims that Trogar would have been one of her champions but not before she banishes Phoedra to the Underland for 18 years, a Ghost Region if you will. Naturally we need some exposition so some narration to establish Phoedra has not given up her evil ways, raised Trogar into her Iron Warrior (Franco Daddi of Hercules vs the Giant Warriors, La bambola di Satana, The Barbarians, Iron Warrior and Il commissario), leader of her armies of Hell. He does this wearing dark robes a kicky red sash, dance belt and a helm worthy of Chromeskull.

Yes, that material is thinner than Kate Moss' waistline.

Love the christening of Janna's 18^th birthday. Phoedra just appears with a large fan blowing her hair back, she looks nuttier than a fruitcake, floats up the dais and the royal dogs are losing their minds.

Doesn't help the camera angles feel so confined in this small chamber. Phoedra tells Janna she will marry the man that played with the dead tribble..er I mean Yeti testicle.

Ator is off to the land of Dragor to offer protection and aid to Princess Janna (Savina Gersak of Cudo nevidjeno, Iron Warrior, Midnight Ride, Curse II: The Bite, Beyond the Door III and Soldier of Fortune) and why wouldn't she want this well-built, long maned, oiled up specimen of warrior? Gone are his highlights and free flowing locks as he has braided it into a tail and is now brunette. SALONS OF THE DARK AGES!!!   Can't help but notice his broadsword now replacing his two katanas looks an awful lot like Conan's.

The Iron Warrior seems almost a match for Ator leading him to wonder if he can truly defeat him, his armies of Hell and end Phoedra's evil once and for all.

Okay visually this looks amazing from a fisheye lens, to zooms, extended handheld, some tripod and even a few decent crane shots. With slow motion, far too many jump cuts for teleportation or materialization of weapons and items, it almost feels like a rock video rather than a film.

The region looks amazing and idle for a fantasy based film and while Ator has had a complete makeover, O' Keeffe still looks like a bad ass. This is the last of the Ator films starring Miles O' Keeffe. Joe D' Amato returns to tack on a fourth installment of Ator as it is the Quest of the Mighty Sword or Troll 3 or Ator: Quest for the Mighty Sword or possibly Highlander III: The Sorcerer's Dark Apprentice. The problem is the story is not very gripping, detracts from anything previously written and seems to contradict Ator's whole beginnings. Also I miss mute Thong. Dude rolled with a Falchion and those are difficult blades to master in my opinion. 

He's deadly and FABULOUUUUSSSS!!!!

 

Forgotten Fantasy: The Seven Magnificent Gladiators

And we are back with another helping of Forgotten Fantasy, the Sci-Fi Fantasy that has probably fallen into the five dollar bin in Best Buy or Wal-Mart. Course if you are shopping at Wal-Mart for entertainment, you may have serious issues already. Moving along we have a heaping dish based on the brilliant work of Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai. That was made into the 1960 John Sturges' The Magnificent Seven spawning two sequels, The Return of the Magnificent Seven in 1966 and The Magnificent Seven Ride!in 1972. Alas we are not going to being viewing and reviewing some bloodier Westerns but instead we will be taking yet another peak into the warped mind of writer/director Claudio Fargassio (Women's Prison Massacre, Rats: Night of Terror, Cop Game, Zombi 3, Strike Commando 2 and Shocking Dark) and director Bruno Mattei (Hell of the Living Dead, Rats: Night of Terror, Strike Commando, The Tomb and The Jail: The Women's Hell ).  Yeah you know how much I love these two asshats. This is The Seven Magnificent Gladiators.

Catfight!!!

So we open with symphony orchestral and clashing cymbals for tales of high adventure!! Also some weird title sequence with overexposure and stop motion with the stills and then a gal dressed in black with an elaborate head dress walking about the Parthenon, sorceress Anakora (Barbara Pesante of The Seven Magnificent Gladiators) and mother to the brute of the land, her son the Demigod Nicerote (Dan Vadis of Colossus of the Arena, Hercules the Invincible, Hercules vs the Giant Warriors, For a Few Extra Dollars, The Stranger Returns, The Scalphunters, High Plain Drifter and Bronco Billy) razzes the villagers after destroying their homes, slaughtering their men and taking of their women. He's a people person.

Now that is a brass band! 

With the village losing the lives of their teen boys was the las straw and Anakora reviews the mystical MaGuffin, a blade forged by the god Vulcan himself and once wielded by Achilles himself that may very well be the only weapon the defeat the mad half-god but first they must find a warrior worthy to carry it, dispatch their tyrant and give them their FreeEEEEDOOOOOoMMM!!! The maidens four must journey into Rome to find the worthy man by allowing them to grip the handle. Ole' Vulcan put in the safety feature of the unworthy get their hands scalded like they dropped their mitts directly into a boiling pot. I sense quite a few pissed off guys not going to be able to wank for a while.

I HAVE THE POWERRRRR!!!

Enter the games under the cover of night by torchlight! The reigning champion Han (Lou Ferrigno of The Incredible Hulk, Pumping Iron, Hercules, The Adventures of Hercules II, The Incredible Hulk Returns, Desert Warrior, Cage, Cage II, The Incredible Hulk 1996 Fox cartoon, The King of Queens and Soupernatural) charioteer, swordsmaster and all around grappler and defeater of men could be a good start in the maidens' quest but he is being eye banged by the Emperor's consort Lucilla (Mandy Rice-Davies of Iris, Bird of Prey, Black Venus, Nana, the True Key of Pleasure and Absolute Beginners) so he may already have his enormous hands full. The racing scene was no stabilizers so yeah that hurt my eyes. Han spares the life of Scipio (Brad Harris of Samson, The Fury of Hercules, King of Kong Island, Hercules and Falcon Crest) the other gladiator defying the Emperor as they ride away.

Yes they're real, you ass!

 The maidens encounter enough cripples, the deformed that they resemble leftovers from Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks threatening to take their valuables among other things when Han and Festo manage to show up in the nick of time and slap these poor damned souls from the pretty girls. Yes Lou just slapped about the hungry, crippled and the lame. Smooth Fargasso,smooth.

Julia (Sybil Danning of The Three Musketeers, The Four Musketeers: Milady's Revenge, Cat in the Cage, Battle Beyond the Stars, Hercules, Howling II: Striba Bitch, Reform School Girls and Warrior Queen) warrior maiden enters a drinking contest after losing a buttload of coin on the Han and Scipio charioteer fights,hears that the fellas have been captured but enough of that!   Oiled skimpy animal hide catfighting is the name of the game! I think a horny 12 year old Claudio wrote this film. Yes with camera angles so tight we can tell if the oils have seeped in anywhere.

I am the comic relief!

After seeing Han able to wield the Sword of Achilles, Scipio and Julia take him out to meet up with a few more friends of Scipio to round out our seven, Festo (Giovanni Cianfriglia of Banana Joe, Gunan, King of the Barbarians, Ironmaster, Escape from the Bronx, 2019: After the Fall of New York, Ladyhawke and The Barbarians) and Goliath (Emilo Messina of Triumph of the Ten Gladiators, Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon, Badmen of the West, Web of Violence and Superargo contro Diaolikus), a strongman that Han harangued down the road and convinces him to join their quest to save this villagers from Nicerote.

With our seven warriors on the scene, one can only hope they can defeat the mad Demigod. One slight issue with Nicerote, is his outfit. While Connery wore his Zardoz outfit with more style and dignity, Nicerote is one hot mess. Black thigh high boots, a black leather pair of briefs, a bandoleer He-Man style and a flowing black cloak looking like Skeletor's gay cousin cruising and putting it out there a bit too much. Even Caligula would have told him to tone it down.

Maybe the subtitled version is superior but the dubbed version was quite painful. Dialogue had next to no inflection, emotion or even tone. With the exception of Goliath as he was voiced by the truly awesome baritone of Edward Mannix. Several of the extras fight sequences couldn't have done Dolemite prouder. A slight detour from the usual take on Kurosawa but over all with a few minor editing errors it wasn't bad and amazingly enough all the attractive women weren't strip bare for all to see. Even Sybil which is also shocking. 

I'm not nude. How strange.