Sci-Fi Week: The Ice Pirates

Hey kids I’m baaaaaack.   And what could be more than searching all of Dune for spice, oh wait that we aren’t watching anything as near as classy as Dune.  Thank God too.  If you are not a Frank Herbert fan you can barely follow the original Dune anyway.  No instead I thought we go with something campy, goofy and entirely too much blue screen.  So grab your vibroblades, hoist the pirate colors and beware of space herpes.   This is The Ice Pirates.

Never bother an alien on the crapper

Spoilers are the source of ultimate power!!!

Well folks starting this off I want to point out this is not meant to be taken serious…at all.  Scifi/Comedy here.  Writer Stanford Sherman (The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Batman, Shalimar, Krull and The Man Who Wasn’t There) and writer/director Stewart Raffill (Across the Great Divide, High Risk, The Sea Gypsies, Mac and Me and Passenger 57) comes a tale in the far away future where the galaxy is apparently drying up.  The main gold mine these days is water. Yes H2O worth more than all the spice the Atreides clan can muster.   Now when pirate is used in a sentence you normally think a scarred, scurvy ridden rapist and pillager.  Well not so much is the case here.   They are outfitted with rapier and cutlass still but it is more blasters and not so much burning down townships or colonies.    

Space models away!!

The film follows the course of Jason (Robert Urich of Magnum Force, Vega$, SWAT, Spenser: For Hire, She Knows Too Much and Lonesome Dove) leader of his nefarious…water thieves and fairly nice guy, his right hand man Roscoe (Michael D. Roberts of Manimal, Double Trouble, Manhunter, Rain Man and The First Family) head technician and primary robot builder, Zeno(Ron Perlman of Beauty and the Beast, Chronos, Enemy at the Gates,  Fallout 3, Blade II, Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army) the cutthroat, Maida (Anjelica Huston of This Is Spinal Tap, Prizzi’s Honor,  The Dead, The Addams Family, Buffalo Girls and The Perez Family) the swordsmaster…mistress (whatever) and Killjoy (John Matuszak former  Oakland Raiders  defensive end and of Caveman, The Dukes of Hazzard, The Goonies, Command 5 and Hollywood Beat) these ragtag rebels survive by stealing ice from this empiric orders known as the Templars of the planet Mithra. 

Oh god not again.   They’ll rip the hearts out of women’s chests and…oh never mind.  Not the Blind Dead series after all.  Maybe they hail from Middle Earth.  Uh getting back to the film at hand Jason and several of his crew were captured after a botched attempt at an ice run where they are to be castrated, lobotomized and put into indentured servitude.   Seriously folks this cannot be an option over death.  Personally I would be picking fights with Killjoy just so he would snap my neck and that would be it.  Just as it would look the boys are going to get the snip, a one Princess Karina (Mary Crosby of Dallas, Tapeheads, The Legend of Zorro, Queen of the Lot and The M Word) buys the lot of them to find the legendary planet, the 7^th world.  An Earth like planet encompassed in 75% of water.  I thought it had no texture.   Downside is no one truly knows where this planet is and the stories go that in has a time warp jump around it that can significantly age a man or woman to death and if they are off my a fraction of a margin they could be lost in a void forever.

Hmm hot girl in cryogenics...handy.

A few amusing aspects of this film I noticed and wanted to point them out.  During one of the big swordfights I noticed the place they are filming in was the Anheuser-Busch brewery in Van Nuys California.  I went on a tour many moons ago but I swear to you those winding metal staircases are them.   Raiding parties seem to consist of humans and droids.  I presume for heavy lifting or just faster attack speeds but most of the crew’s droids look a bit battered and worn.  Several bits of footage of the movie are clipped from Logan’s Run and Rollerball and Kevin Costner turned down the role of Jason.    It’s crass, politically incorrect and Tylenol still remains in the far, far away future.   Watch this for the pimp bots alone.  Yes droids talking late 70’s jive and pimping girls out.  Damn, I want a pimp bot.

Sci-fi Week

Hey folks!! This week we deal with tyrannical warlords, space battles and guys that cannot fire lasers straight.  No I am not reviewing any of the Star Wars but thanks to some of my readers' suggestions this will be Science Fiction Week.  Some of the more obscure pieces of Sci-fi from the latter 70's and early 80's is on the menu.  Some I have seen over and over as a wee lad and some I have never had the pleasure or displeasure of seeing.   It ought to make for some interesting reading overall.   So stay tuned!

70's TV Week: Battlestar Galactica

What’s happenin’ sports fans?   Back this week to bring you a view of television years past.  Some of which is thoroughly enjoyable, some slightly sexist and some very creative.  So strap in your cockpit, stand by my command and get ready to launch.  This is Battlestar Galactica.

Port nacelle needs polishing.

Spoilers may very well be the salvation of humanity…

Our series hails from the mind of TV producer and writer Glen Larson (Quincy, M.E.  , B. J. and the Bear, The Fall Guy, Magnum, P. I. and Knight Rider) bringing together a ragtag group of rebel fighters comprised of an ancient race of humanity.  Through this storyline it claims humanity was born far, far away in a completely other civilization before Earth had even formed bacteria.  The Twelve Colonies of Man or Kobol (The planet of humanity’s origin) separated to different portions of the galaxy to colonize various planets in the hopes of creating not so much an empire but a commonwealth.  The odd part is all these planets are roughly in the same binary star system (a celestial body of more than two stars in the same orbital rotation of one other) More than a thousand years has drug on in a war of Humans Vs the Cylons (A series of robots created to be warriors for a long dead reptilian race, it is speculated by many of the survivors of Galactica that the Cylons turned on their masters and wiped them out).

Starbuck is not a WOMAN!

One human man Count Baltar (John Colicos of Forbidden Journey, Anne of the Thousand Day, Raid on Rommel, Star Trek TOS, and The Starlost), traitor to the 12 Colonies apprised the Cylons on how best to wage a sneak attack thus annihilating the colonies in a vicious and swift battle.     220 ships left after this seething assault one lone capital warship Galactica protects the surviving homes as they search of a new home and a place for peace.  They embark on a quest (and who doesn’t love those?) to find the legendary 13^th colony their history spoke of.  A planet designated as Earth.  Commander Adama (Lorne Greene of Bonanza, Sailor of Fortune, Earthquake, Roots, The Trial of Lee Harvey Oswald and Galactica 1980) leads Galactica to the best of his abilities alongside his Executive officer Colonel Tigh (Terry Carter of The Phil Silvers Show, Foxy Brown, McCloud and Benji) they guide their overworked and understaffed fighter pilots and bridge crew to dangers untold.  Adama’s own son Apollo (Richard Hatch of Santa Barbara, All My Children, The Streets of San Francisco and Battlestar Galactica 2004 remake) is a fighter pilot alongside his buddies and fellow pilots Starbuck (Dirk Benedict of Chopper One, Charlie’s Angels, The A-Team, Murder She Wrote and Alaska) and Boomer (Herbert Jefferson Jr. of Detroit 9000, The Streets of San Francisco, World War III, The Devlin Connection and Apollo 13)

Here are little fun facts about the show for you all now.   All the colonies are both species of human and planet are named after the Zodiac constellations.  The bridge set cost of build was just shy of 2 hundred thousand dollars. This was the first weekly television series that budgeted over a million dollars per episode due to special effect processing the re-use of previous footage throughout the series when they could.  Don Johnson was up for the part of Starbuck but the Southern accent killed that gig for him.  Hmm Don Johnson as Starbuck…Interesting.  

Space...through fish eye lens.

Now this particular latter 70’s show lasted 22 episodes and was revived in 1980 as Galactica 1980 and unfortunately between the farfetched writing and lack of real coherent story telling it this series followed its predecessor.   Lasting all of 10 episodes it took 24 years to resurrect for a whole new generation, but that they say is another story.   Growing up with this show I enjoyed every facet with the exception of this unnecessary robo-dog Dagget.   Of course I found out later it was 3 different chimpanzees that got rotated in costume.   Bobo, put on the suit!  Bad Bobo!  No fling poop in suit!  Well this show had the feel of a Star Wars adventure, I didn't have to wait 3 to 5 years for it to be told.  Excitement, dogfights, gambling, wooing the pretty ladies.   Folks they are a bunch of space pirates and frankly I was alright with that.