The Crazies

Okay I'm back and yes we are finally on an outbreak movie. I just thought it was in poor taste to have done such last month. So as we are under quarantine we may as well get on with this so I went with a master of horror, George A. Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Season of the Witch, Martin, Dawn of the Dead, Knightriders, Creepshow, Day of the Dead and Monkey Shines) and naturally as this is one of his earlier films, we are back to Pennsylvania. This is The Crazies a.k.a. The Mad People and Code Name: Trixie

Virus can't touch you in flavor country.

Evans City has a crisis on its hands with a military plane downed in the mountains and its cargo leaks into the city's main water supply. DUN DUN DUN!!!! Oh you know the score here. Plausible deniability, military attempting to get a handle on it and it's gone completely pear shaped or tits up if you prefer. Naturally we discover our virulent affliction is man made, code name of Trixie. Nothing good with come of Trixie. Keep that in mind.

Firefighters David (Will MacMillan of The Enforcer Salvador, Bad Girls, NYPD Blue, Las Vegas, The West Wing, Raising the Bar and Jada) and Clank (Harold Wayne Jones of The Crazies, Knightriders, The Paper Chase, Fantasy Island, Hunter and Provoked) get the call to a blazing inferno formally a house as the husband/father killed his wife and set his house alight! Meanwhile, David's pregnant girlfriend Judy (Lane Carroll of Hercules in New York and The Crazies) is assisting Dr. Brookmyre (Will Disney of The Crazies) to the children of said arsonist. Shockingly enough, they suffered from some burns.

Clarice Starling?

A massive military police action with soldiers donning gas masks and hazmat suits are blocking the town. The obvious joke er um named officer in charge, Major Ryder (Harry Spillman of Dirtymouth,The Crazies, Born Again, All My Children, The Sex O' Clock and Comfortably Numb) uses the hospital as base command and they're here to help with the virus. They claim the virus either outright kills them or drives the subject completely bonkers.

Ryder's higher-up Colonel Peckem (Lloyd Hollar of The Crazies, Good Times, Siege, Lou Grant, The Jeffersons, Boardwalk, Rage of Angels and Kiss of Death) and his pet scientist Dr. Watts (Richard France of There's Always Vanilla, The Crazies, Dawn of the Dead, Vortex, Dreams Come True, The Sorrows of Dolores and Graveyard Shift) have an experimental cure they can unleash. I had to rewind to that scene because Dr. Watts is the same man that plan the scientists calling officials and journalists dummies in Dawn of the Dead. So yeah I missed that whole exposition plot dump due to laughing.

Dammit, left the coffee pot on.

With quarantine being issued about the town, the soldiers are doing house to house searches trying to help folk and have to shoot the loonies. It's part of the Midwest, how will you know the difference?

As a box office bomb, this film hit cult status with the VHS generation and well because the director is George A Romero.

Some fun film facts now!

Most of the bit characters including the white hazmat soldiers were paid local high school students.

The massive house fire was actually the local fire department destroying an abandoned house, so Romero and crew set up cameras and was allowed to film the whole event, creating a great effect on a ridiculously low budget.

Most of the screams, gunfire, soldier and townsfolk dialogue and sound effects had to be added in post-production ADR in Romero's basement of the Latent Image Studio.

It's eerie, relevant and frankly will ennerve the right folk like it was intended to do. Romero's concern about the control the government has over the country worried him constantly.

Because of its cult status, in 2010 a remake was released shot primarily in Lennox, Springwood Lake and Panorama Iowa. Thanks to TubiTV, I got to watch this and several other older horror films. A quick update for parents. The big spoiler is kids do get shot in this flick. I myself have no children but I am an uncle and it creeped me out.   So yes I give this spoiler out due to its disturbing aspect of the film.

And yes today's film has titty in it.  Sorry lady readers, the man children were going to ask me anyway.

Premarital sex?  Heavens!

Movies with the word Slaughter in it: Slaughterhouse

Welcome back for Day 3 of Movies with the word Slaughter in them. Now this next film and I have some history. Many moons ago, when I was a wee lad, Lincoln was still in office slaying vampires and I am certain steampunk may have just started; there was a goofy looking 8x 5 movie poster stand prop of this movie. This particular film cover and horrifically stupid tagline used to make my mother and I laugh. Y'see dear readers, my mom co-owned a video store and that is probably where my want and desire to yammer about films of yesteryear and just out that year started. Well Mom, we have made fun of this flick's standing for years but I sat down and watched it. This is Slaughterhouse.

BEHOLD....MY BODY ODOR!!!!!

Buddy has an axe to grind... A big axe. As novel a tagline as Soup is Good Food. This particular oeuvre hails from one time director/writer Rick Roessler telling the tale of the poor farmer/abattoir owner Lester (Don Barrett of Slaughterhouse, Hobgoblins and Desperation Rising) and mentally retarded and slightly obese 350 lb Buddy (Joe B. Barton of Blood Diner, Slaughterhouse, Sledge Hammer!, Home and Away, Fatal Skies and Water Rats) are stuck under the wheel of progress as they are experiencing cash flow problems like any American farmer. With the slaughterhouse closed on their property, no real employment for the pig farmer, they do their level best to butcher meat on their own and prep for market.

Lester, yer kid's body odor is killing the county.

The Sheriff's daughter Lizzy (Sherry Leigh of Slaughterhouse, Born Killer, Yellowthread Street, Demon Wind, General Hospital, The R. M., Jolene and L.V.J.), yup her name is Lizzy Borden wants to shoot a horror movie with shoestring budget and they sneak onto the abattoir property because it is the perfect location for such. How meta. Her friends join her for such hijinks in spite of it will be shot of VHS rather than the better and old school Magnavox higher def news cameras.

However a big wig, high falootin' fancy pants Tom Sanford (Bill Brinsfield of Zombie Death House, Slaughterhouse, Warbirds, Terrorgram, Confessions of a Hitman and Top Dog), Lester's lawyer Harold (Lee Robinson of Slaughterhouse) and Sheriff Borden (William Houck of Slaughterhouse, Speak of the Devil and The Abominable Snowman) have a sit down and discuss how the county assessor is going to close Lester's farm unless he can come up with $55 thousand smackers in a month. Enforcing the idea to tear down the abandoned slaughterhouse so they can build a new fangled technological updated one makes Lester point out the machines can't do the work of a man. The sheriff tells Lester he has 30 days one way or the other.

Well those aren't hogs.  They're slackers.

It is at this point with the appropriate whisking music you could turn the first act of this movie into a drama with the struggle of the old time farmer versus modern ways... but that might be a wee bit difficult when the bodies of trespassers start getting stacked like cord-wood.

Will Buddy and Lester lop up the whole town??? Can the sheriff put a stop to their murderous ways???

In 1998, a sequel was written for Slaughterhouse but apparently it never got past the script and they never bothered to release it. While this is a slasher film genre it seems to lack nudity which I was surprised but there is actual hog slaughter footage so if that is disturbing for you, fast forward or skip ahead about 7 minutes. The pace is fair, the cast are a bit inexperienced but primarily, you have a gory flick with them pesky teens getting the sharp end of the cleaver.

Trying to be Sheriff Brody but I am coming up Brackett.

Kung Fu Theater Week: The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

Howdy all you Kung Fu Fans and welcome back to the last day of Kung Fu Theater Week.  Due to some cumbersome objects I lifted Wednesday I was quite sore and unable to sit in a chair for film viewing.  Today is another matter all together as I will be doing a double feature to make up for lost days.  Our first film of the roster tells the tale of a student and his hometown being torn apart by two warring generals and the village getting caught in the middle of this conflict.  Our young fellow must rise to meet the challenge of righting the wrongs, preserving the peace and bringing about order.  Can such a task be performed by only one man?  This is The 36^th Chamber of Shaolin.

Jefferson Junior High Presents: The Boxer Rebellion!

We must rise up against the tyranny of General Spoiler, for the good of all!

Our story begins in the occupation of the Manchus in the Qing Dynasty (that would be roughly 1645 to 1910) the Shaolin monasteries were forbidden at the time to offer the peasants Kung Fu and the weapons training to fend off invaders as they themselves were viewed as outsiders and these practices were sacred above all else…even the cost of their fellow man.  Yeah it is that screwy.  Of course from a different point of view you can be amused that Hong Kong (a then colony of the former British Empire) is producing movies that incite rebellion and England does not even bat an eye.

Aren't you glad you used Dial? Don't you wish your opponent did?

Okay enough of the history lesson and on with the violence!!!  General Inspector Tien Ta (Lieh Lo of Five Fingers of Death, Shaolin Deadly Kicks, Super Dragon, The Enchantress, Shanghai 13 and Police Pool of Blood) is a ruthless tyrannical monster watching over the villages like a hawk gathering the sparrows.  Only General Yin feels he can stand up to him and only to be humiliated and cut down.  A young man name of Liu Yude (Chia-Hui Liu of Shaolin Martial Arts, Five Shaolin Masters, 7 Man Army, Shaolin Mantis, Godfather of Canton and Kill Bill: Vol. 2) is wounded during the riots and retreats to the Shaolin Monastery for his own life.  With the strict practices he is almost turned away when the abbot insists on allowing him to be cared for and tended to.  

A year has passed and Liu Yude has taken on a Monk’s title of San Te and vows to avenge those slain in this horrible act of greed and wanton destruction but also as a manner of honor to right that which has been done to those around him.   San Te throws himself into his training with vigor that none of the masters have ever seen.  He vows to complete the 35 Chambers of the Shaolin in order to save those under General Tien’s villainy.

Now let us examine this film overall.  This is not merely a revenge title but a challenge of ethics and morals of the highest order.  If San Te trained merely to get his hands coated in blood for his own end he would have been banished from the temple and forced to find another path altogether.  San Te would have then been no better than the monster he has dedicated himself to stop but just a different horrible creature.  

The choreography is amazing, between the training levels to the fights in the street.  Wire work, months of sword, staff and halberd training just captures the quintessence of the story and gives it greater presence than even the dialogue.     The bottom line is this is a visual film rather than dialogue driven and were it altered in any way would diminish what our director Chia-Liang Liu (The Spiritual Boxer, Executioners from Shaolin, Legendary Weapons of China, Heroic Family and The Legend of Drunken Master)set out to create.

Jeez Gary, you almost nailed me.

Kung Fu Theater Week: Drunken Master

Welcome back folks and sorry for yesterday.  I wanted to spend time with my lady love and lost track of the day.  Today I wish to focus on Jackie Chan’s second starring role after Snake in Eagle’s Shadow.  Because the unparallel success of this film lead to his second movie of an coming of age and growing with wisdom with some antics, bit of violence and in the end perhaps a change for the better.  So master your Kung Fu, don’t hide the rice wine from the old sot and NO BACK TALK!  This is Drunken Master.

Hey, that's dirty!

You must harness the 8 drunken spoilers to defeat any opponent!

Our story centers on a lad name of Wong Fei-hung (Jackie Chan of Enter the Dragon, New Fists of Fury, The Young Master, Cannonball Run II, Police Story, Supercop, Operation Condor and Rumble in the Bronx), a undisciplined spoiled boy who gets in all sorts of mischief.   Flogging an arrogant and overbearing Kung Fu assistant teacher is viewed as amusing but his father Wong Kei Ying (Siu Hung Cham of Dai Mung Sing, Mad Monkey Kung Fu, The Young Master, Killer Wears White, The 36 Deadly Styles and Man tian shen fo) chastises him and warns him of his ways.  He fails to take his Kung Fu spiritual training to heart and is a bully to most those around him.  To impress his buddies he hits on a young girl when her older guardian thrashes him profusely in front of his boys.   As he arrives home from his childish way he is introduced to his aunt and cousin only to find out that they are the same two women he had his confrontation with.

Ow! Okay, your hair does not make you look like a girl!

As if that was not enough he soundly beats a punk son of a highly influential man in town and is forced to train even harder in his martial arts by his father.    Wong’s father sends for his uncle Su Hua Chi (Siu Tin Yuen of Deadly Snake Versus Kung Fu Killers, Boxing Wizard, The 36^th Chamber of Shaolin, Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow and Heroes of the East) a notoriously vicious trainer that has been known to break his students and with that knowledge Wong escapes his father’s home.   He heads to a local diner and proceeds to stuff his face and cons a fellow to pay for his meal only to find out that the man is the owner of the restaurant and dives into a fight to with the waiting staff and ends up drawing a drunkard old man into the fight and they both escape.   The drunk reveals himself to being Wong’s new trainer and Su works Wong like a dog.

Tired of this torturous training and runs away to bump into an assassin Thunderleg by accident and ends up in YET another fight.  Seriously this kid just needs to learn a bit of common sense or manners.  Thunderleg beats him like a gong and humiliates him so Wong heads back to Siu to throw himself into his training for a rematch.

 I had just a bit of comments on the film.   Jackie damn near had a detached retina from Kung Fu master Hwang Jig Lee (Thunderleg) snap kicked his head.  Siu Tin Yuen was 66 in this movie and some of the more athletic sequences was done by his two sons, future directors Cheung-Yan Yuen (Ghost Mansion, Coupe de Grace, Yao guai du shi, The Tai Chi Master and Kung Fu Hero) and Woo-ping Yuen (Dance of the Drunken Mantis, Tiger Cage, Tiger Cage 2, Tai-chi Master and Wing Chun) as stunt doubles. It was fun, ridiculous amounts of violence this side of an anime film and in general I had a load of fun watching this one again. 

Uh oh, Ryu got in the Sake....again.

Kung Fu Theater Week: The Chinese Connection

Greetings readers to Kung Fu Theater Week and I thought I would start us off with a Bruce Lee film that received a lot of love not unlike that of Enter of the Dragon.   America took notice of this leading man with his look, style and mastery of Wing Chun with incredible speed.  Our feature is Lee’s second starring role after Fists of Fury a.k.a. The Big Boss and provided excellent action and impressive story.

So grab your gi, claim your Gong and Qiang and ready yourself for battle.  This is The Chinese Connection a.k.a. Fist of Fury.

You see I shan't be turning Japanese. I really think so.

Chen: Tell me the spoiler. No more lies. If I turn myself over to you, will you leave the Ching Wu School alone? The truth!

Inspector: You have my word on it. Don’t worry, on my word of honor.

Chen Zhen (Bruce Lee of The Green Hornet, The Big Boss, Longstreet, The Way of the Dragon and Enter the Dragon), a young master of Wing Chun returns to Jingwu School before marrying his fiancée.  Tragic news informs in him that his master Huo Yuanjia has passed away due to illness.  As the funeral progresses as a rival school based in a Japanese dojo shows up to hurl insults and taunt the students.

Alone, Chen proceeds to the dojo to throw down and throw down he did wiping the walls with the entire school.  After flogging the bejesus out of the less than disciplined dojo Chen went for a walk in the park when angered by a Japanese man and his buddies giving him a load of crap so Chen threw them a beating as well. 

This is gonna hurt..for the other guy.

Master Hiroshi Suzuki (Not the automobile producer) demands the Jingwu School after their embarrassing beating be destroyed.  After trashing the school and fighting yet again with the students they tell them to hand over Chen so they can deal with him.  Chen arrives back at the school to see that his impulse control has gotten the better of him in the need to defend his honor and the honor of the school.  That evening Chen discovered the cook that prepared his master’s meals had actually poisoned him and Chen wails on him and left his body from a lamp post. 

Inspector Lo (Wei Lo of The Pistol, Land of the Brave, The Big Boss, The Golden Sword, Vengeance of a Snowgirl and New Fists of Fury) a local officer trying to keep the peace must capture Chen and bring him in due to several of his beatings on others has taken lives and he must be made to answer to the law, and still Lo feels conflicting emotions. 

I have a few interesting facts about this particular movie.  A young actor as an extra as a Jing Wu student is none other than Jackie Chan at age 17.  Bruce Lee choreographed his own street fight scenes but due to the incredibly racist content of this film Bruce didn’t work with director Lo Wei again after this movie.  This was based on a true story but the actual Chen managed to flee Shanghai without anyone the wiser.

Whirlwind Leg!!!

Kung Fu Theater Week!

Welcome boys and girls to Kung Fu Theater Week!  This week I will tackle the genre of Martial Arts Movies or affectionately referred as Kung Fu and Ninja movies.  This particular craze starts in the 1960’s up the 1980’s and the Americans got to experience these splendid films from the lazy bijous, the drive-in theater  to cable television, we saw these films with either English subtitles or voice dubbing which does take away a lot of the dialogue but the essence of the film is still there.

Hikibah!!!

Western civilization got to appreciate Eastern philosophy, discipline and ways of life but brings everything that we already have to our own story lines.  Warriors combating barbarians, wizards against sorcerers and good versus evil these films cover the current timeline and fantasy based with monsters and men aplenty.   Admittedly there are more than a few very violent films or having disturbing content to them and frankly they are considered Grind house movies but most are gems that get overlooked so this week I shall comprise a collection of favorites and cult beloved.

Vampire Grab Bag Week: Lust For A Vampire

Day 2 of the Vampire Grab Bag Week is upon us!   I bring us to the continuation of the Karnstein Trilogy.  A film that has many a buxom young lady, many an overtly drawn out scene, late night nude swims and creepy eyed men that almost hit the caliber of Christopher Lee but not quite and yes once again implied lesbian themes.   It seems Hammer was desperate to keep bottoms in the theater seats so clearly scantily clad females or topless ones will grasp the notice of many a horndog man.  So get your torches, blades and stakes for the vampiress is on the loose.  This is Lust for a Vampire.

School lunch program looks good to me!

You too will fall under the spoiler of Mircalla and then you will be damned for all eternity!

Once again an adaptation of Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla is being created by Hammer Films by writer Tudor Gates (Death Is a Good Living, Better a Widow, Danger: Diabolik, Barbarella, The Vampire Lovers, Fright and Twins of Evil) showcases the depravity that lurks inside us all but especially young, prim and proper schoolgirls?   Not far from the uninhabited Castle Karnstein is a proper school for young girls that have been beseeched by black magic, Satanism and vampires.  An accomplished writer Richard Lestrange (Michael Johnson of The Human Jungle, Anne of a the Thousand Days, Homebodies, Crown Court and Perfect Scoundrels), a horror novelist is doing research for his next novel and the local villagers are warning him off from the Castle Karnstein and speak of every 40 years an unspeakable evil lurks through the land in the form of a vampire.  The legends speak of the sacrifice of an innocent blood to resurrect their wicked ancestors and bring for an age of darkness.

No I am not Paul McGann.

The local school houses an ancient vampiress now unbeknownst to all except for a few.  Yes this vampiress can WALK IN THE DAYLIGHT, be awake at all hours and seduces with a glance.   A young school girl Mircalla (Yutte Stensgaard Denmark nude model of The Girl with a Pistol, The Love Factor, Some Girls Do, Carry on Again Doctor, Scream and Scream Again and Doctor in Trouble) is perplexed to classmates missing, a local girl in town and even a teacher seems to have had a “heart attack” but her current attentions are on Lestrange as he has replaced the English instructor for this school and they both cannot cope with their feelings for one another.   

Yes now I must nitpick a bit about this film.  While this reign of terror is about; this would seem the ample time for copious amount of nudity, a over the top love scene where the orgasm brings Yutte to a cross eyed response to the tune of a tripe pop song entitled Strange Love.  This movie feels as though it stems away from the dignity of the Hammer Legacy and feels like the movie was rushed together providing far too much unexplained and how the royals move about without anyone questioning them at all.  They did not have any royal guards to speak of so revolting villagers could not have been thwarted in any sense of the manner.  There was more fog in this movie that John Carpenter’s The Fog and its remake combined, our blood looked garishly red and my god there were more heaving bosoms in this flick to rival soft core pornography.

Zombies? In the lake?? Heavens!

   

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week: Clash of the Titans (1981)

Hail Sci-Fi Fantasy fans and welcome to Day 4 of Sci-Fi Fantasy Week.  Thought we would go a bit old school as if that has not been the theme thus far and head to the ancient mythos of Greece.  From petty and wrathful gods to creatures of unspeakable terror, the lands are froth with danger and wonder but one man dares to shake his fist in defiance against such barbarism.  No not that Kevin Sorbo guy, I speak of Perseus. So grab your mystic shield, DO NOT look at the Medusa and release the Kraken!!!  This is Clash of the Titans.

Hiya folks, I'll have a virgin on the rocks!

Zeus: Perseus has won.  My son has spoiled.

Hera: A fortunate young man.

Zeus: Fortune is ally to the brave.

King Acrisius of Argos proceeds to loathe his daughter Danae for her beauty and has her imprisioned. Methinks the king is a bit of a diva.  When that dirty old god Zeus (Sir Laurence Olivier of Othello, The Shoes of the Fisherman, Oh!, What a Lovely War, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Dracula) comes around for a booty call via Danae and impregnates her, Acrisius has both Danae and newly born grandson Perseus sent to their deaths in a wooden coffin.   Well Zeus took that poorly and calls down the thunder for Acrisius and most of his kingdom by releasing the last Titan, the Kraken to lay waste to all of Agros.  Danae and Perseus make their journey safely to the isle of Seriphos where the child grows to manhood.

 

Lost my train of thought...

Thetis, the sea goddess (Maggie Smith of Nowhere to Go, Othello, The Honey Pot, Hook and Richard III) so proud of her petty and cruel son Calibos (Neil McCarthy of Zulu, Where Eagles Dare and Time Bandits) is engaged to Princess Andromeda (Judi Bowker of The Adventures of Black Beauty, Brother Sun, Sister Moon, Ellis Island and Menace Unseen) of Joppa ; in spite of destroying the Well of Moons and slaying several of Zeus’s beloved flying horses with the exception of Pegasus.  For these heinous acts, Zeus transforms Calibos into some hideous devil and exiled by his own people.  Probably through the aid of a few well placed stones and pitchforks.

The land of Joppa is not "faun" of Calibos.

Thetis whisks Perseus in the night with a wind transporting him to an amphitheatre in Joppa where he is befriends by a kind old poet name of Ammon (Burgess Meredith of Twilight Zone, Batman, Mr. Novak, Rocky and Grumpy Old Men) .  Perseus sees Andromeda and is smitten by her but Ammon warns him of a curse she is under on how she cannot marry unless a riddle is solved.  And if that doesn’t work maybe he can twist time like Prince of Persia and start anew.   To give his boy a leg up, Zeus gives Perseus three magical artifacts, a helm of invisibility, a shield and a finely crafted sword worthy of any warrior.     Mutilating Calibos in the swamps, Perseus is betrothed to Andromeda and momma Thetis does not care for this at all and demands Andromeda is sacrificed to the Kraken.  Desperate to save his lady love Perseus and a handful of the king and queen’s men go to search for a way to defeat the Kraken.

I’ve got just a few notes on this particular film.  The stop motion effects are done by creature FX and producer Ray Harryhausen (The 7^th Voyage of Sinbad, Jason and the Argonauts, One Million Years B.C., and Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger) with a series of scale models and super imposing.  Yes loads of blue screen effects so I am sure the youngins are rolling their eyes but come on; Ursula Andress was in this flick still looking yummy.  Give credit where it is due.

Just peepin',son. Prop me next to the bed for the real action.

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week: Highlander

Greetings to Sci-fi Fantasy Week!!  I thought we would commence this Monday with a story old as time, men that live and die by the sword for their king and country, money, vengeance or test their skills.  But if I told you of warriors that returned from the final battlefield, living on in secret lives??   So sharpen your sword, hone your skills and don’t get distracted or it’s your head.  This is Highlander.

 

Immortal slug bugs games are brutal.

Connor MacLeod: Ramirez’s blade did not cut deeply enough. He was right about you. You’re spoiler.

Over 400 years ago, a young Highlander warrior was placed into battle for the very first time. His name was Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod (Christopher Lambert of Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, To Kill a Priest, Fortress, Gunmen, The Hunted and Beowulf) and he faces a clan war when an giant knight in an obsidian helmet with a voice that sounded like something from Hells itself, mortally wounds the lad.   During the range skirmish the two are separated and all looks lost for the young fellow.  The next day he is well and uninjured.  His people claim it to be witchcraft and drive him from their village.  

Now you die, Willow!!

Connor becomes a blacksmith and takes a young woman name of Heather (Beatie Edney of Lost Empires, Wild Flower, Uncle Silas and Highlander: Endgame) and all seems well enough until Connor is visited by an eccentric and outlandishly dressed man on horseback calling himself Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez (Sean Connery of Dr. No, Goldfinger, The Anderson Tapes, Hunt for Red October, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Sir Billi).  He knows of Connor’s plight and his resurrection.  Connor finds out that there are others like him. Some good and some evil but to survive he must know the game.  The rules are simple: one on one challenge to the death by taking the other’s head, holy ground can be a refuge and in the end, there can be one.   Yes good and evil alike with battle to the last for the unknown prize.   The combined power of all the other immortals to be used in whatever fashion the winner chooses to.

Alright, Zardoz was a horrible film. Happy now?

Centuries pass and it is 1986 the time of the Gathering when the immortals feel the need to travel to the final conflict.  Connor encounters the black knight of his past, the Kurgan (Clancy Brown of The Bride, Extreme Prejudice, Shoot to Kill, Blue Steel, Earth 2, Superman: The Animated Series and Justice League) is an ancient malevolent man that he delights at mortal suffering.  He must be a huge Darwin Awards fan.  The very idea of this repugnant and soulless man getting the prize would men of reign of tyranny the likes to humanity has never known.   After a battle Connor a.k.a. Russell Nash is questioned by the cops about a headless man in a Versace suit.  They believe Nash’s antique dealings were over a rare sword and he killed a rival collector and to be fair that does sound nicer than the truth.

Will Connor be able to fend off the cops, stop the villain and get the girl??  Find out yourself!  Sheesh go rent it or buy it already…

What's in yer Wallet??!!!

Sci-Fi Fantasy Week!

Sword and sorcery!! Danger and dragons! Good Vs Evil!  These are but a few examples of the genre that we will be tackling this week as we journey into this very realm.  5 days of films that were lost in obscurity to common household names I will try and provide you with as much enjoyment as possible involving realm of magic and mysticism as well as brave souls relying on courage, heart and steel.

Hey the Lord of the Rings set is beyond the cave, guys!

Director of the Week: Don Coscarelli: Bubba Ho-Tep

Howdy boys and girls and welcome to Day 5 of Director of the Week with Don Coscarelli.  Now yesterday was a bit of a stomach turner with Incident On and Off a Mountain Road so let’s end the week on a classy note, and nothing screams classy like an Elvis Mummy movie. So hide your candy, keep a flashlight handy for lights out and tell that orderly where he can stick it.   This is Bubba Hotep.

The King in deep contemplation. 

Elvis: Don’t make me use my spoiler on ya, baby.

In a third rate nursing home in East Texas not much goes on in The Shady Rest Retirement Home.  The staff is ill-mannered and adheres to their schedules and even though they may have more than a few faded celebrities, we are all reminded that death still keeps taking its toll.

The staff of the nursing home does have a bit of amusement what with Sebastian Haff (Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead, Army of Darkness, Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2 and Burn Notice), an Elvis impersonator claims to be the actual Elvis that swapped lives with Sebastian Haff in order to live in peace and anonymity.   But if things get dicey he and Haff agreed that if the King gets tired of the quiet life they can swap back but a propane explosion burned all of his proof preventing Elvis to be able to ever return to the old gigs.

Whaddua mean wood tick on my neck??!!

A hip injury happened during a concert causing an infection and a coma leaving him here at Shady Rest wound him into this predicament.  His only friend is Jack (Ossie Davis of Car 54, Where are You?, The Defenders, Cool Red, B.L. Stryker, Grumpy Old Men, Doctor Dolittle and The L Word), a black man convinced he is John F Kennedy that had his brain swapped out into this body to avoid another assassination attempt and was forgotten about.   The two start to notice people dying in numbers around the home and come to realize that a mummy is roaming the halls at night sucking souls from the residents.  Only these two men can stop the madness and bring this undead soul sucking monster down.

Not so good ole boy.

I have just a few points on this film.  Based on the written work of graphic novelist, and Bram Stoker Award writer, Joe R. Lasdale this warped and amusing story holds elements of memories past, regret, sorrow, triumphs and joy.   Yes all that can be found in an Elvis Vs. the Mummy novel.  Bruce Campbell read the script and called Don Coscarelli to make sure than the infected cancer sore on the end of Elvis’ penis was NOT to be on screen.  Once that air was cleared he was on board for the film.  

Phantasm alumni Reggie Bannister makes a cameo in the film and you can just hear the ecstatic cries of Reggie and Ash fans losing their minds over two cinematic monster slayers on the same screen.   In spite of this being an Elvis Preseley film not a single song of his is heard throughout the whole film.  Don Coscarelli when to explain how it would have cost half of the movie’s budget to license even just one of his songs.

The moral of the story kiddies is, “Don’t f&*k with the King, babies!”  

Just a lonesome cowboy, ma'am.

Director of the Week: Don Coscarelli: Phantasm

Okay guys and dolls let’s kick this week off with a wee bit of horror and our director of the week as it is Don Coscarelli.   This movie is not blood caked on the walls violence and a massive behemoth of a man tearing limbs off a token black man simply because he can.  This is a complex story arc that if you skibble off to the bathroom or go get a snack without pausing; yes you will be confused and annoy your fellow viewers.   So load up your .45 and 12 gauge and shoot at anything little, brown and low to the ground.  This is Phantasm.

 

Sorry if I made you wet your pants, SIIIRRR!!

Jody: What’s out there?

Mike: I don’t know. It was little, brown and low to the ground.

Jody: Ahh, it was probably just a spoiler in heat.

Young Mike (A. Michael Baldwin of Kenny & Company, The Fantastic Journey, Eight Is Enough, Vice Girls, Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead and Brutal) has lost both his parents in a car accident and now lives with his brother Jody (Bill Thornbury of Summer School Teachers, Sarah T.- Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic, Secrets of Midland Heights, The Lost Empire and Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead) and all is more or less well and good when Jody’s best friend Tommy (Bill Cone of Phantasm) is found dead in a graveyard , stabbed through the heart.  The official explanation is suicide but Mike doesn’t believe the inept cops and starts his own investigations.  Screw you Goonies!  Mike does this solo. 

Reggie, yer blinding me again.

Unexplained events seem to be occurring around the funeral home managed by man of 6’4” the lad simply calls The Tall Man.   As Tommy’s funeral ends and the pallbearers have done their duty, our Tall Man lifts a coffin weighing at least 200 lbs plus an additional 200lbs of dead weight inside like it was a potted plant.   Further sleuthing is needed as Mike heads into the mausoleum itself seeing these disturbing dwarves in Jawa robes and top of which silver spheres floating about and drilling into people’s skulls.   Rather than seek immediate therapy, Mike tells his brother Jody and Jody’s buddy Reggie (Reggie Bannister of Kenny & Company, Survival Quest, Phantasm, Phantasm II, The Demolitionist, Wishmaster and Bubba Hotep) and our improvised Scooby gang go and investigate.  And brother they are packing shotguns and .45s.   This is a novel concept in my book.

I have just a few notes about the film if you don’t mind.  Now in interviews Coscarelli has never been frank on what town this was supposed to occur in but clearly areas of California from Pacific Palisades where Morningside Cemetery is to parts of Oakland I was recognizing from personal travels.  Heck I saw regions of San Fernando Valley as well but the story arc is somehow in Oregon.  Seems fitting to bring something so malevolent into God’s country, right?    

Oh boy I wet 'em.

Filmed in 35 mm Spherical this film’s audio is sadly in Mono but hey it was cheaper to film in such with the old school Panaflex.  Bill Thornbury also wrote one the songs for the movie “Sittin’ Here at Midnight” which both he and Reggie Bannister performed on screen.   Hey folks these actors did their own driving and stunts too.   Ballsy lot in my thinking.