The Vampire Happening

Back again. Today I am not looking towards sequels. Unbeknownst to you all, I purchased a 20 film pack of night stalkers. The Vampire. Yup I am diving into and seeing if this pack of flicks was worth the three dollars I spent on it. Even at 3 bucks I think I am still getting screwed. There are more than a few titles I recognize but this day's film gave the briefest of synopsis and looked a trifle bizarre. So here's hoping it isn't some foreign hardcore pornography...again.

This is The Vampire Happening a.k.a. Transylvania 1971

Really stretching my lower back, so thanks.

Directed in 1965 and released in 1971, this 6 year in the making West Germany film hails as a comedy and horror movie so that could be a good thing. With the tagline: The Adult Vampire Sex Comedy, I'm expecting penetration shots and prat falls.

At the helm is English cinematographer and director Freddie Francis (The Evil of Frankenstein, Traitor's Gate, The Psychopath, The Deadly Bees, They Came from Beyond Space, Dracula Has Risen from the Grave and The Creeping Flesh) and for those of you that are Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, you will know The Deadly Bees uttered the line," Have you seen the dog's meat?" Interpret that however you see fit. 6 years to get off the ground you know it's gold or garbage.

Our movie opens on an airplane playing what looks to be a softcore porno. Yes there are kids on that flight so the weird shit-o-meter is banking to the right. Well okay the covers are over the actors and yes it does appear to not be flashing nudity so what do I know.

Attending this flight/strokefest is actress Bettie Williams (Pia Degermark of Elvira Madigan, The Looking Glass War, A Brief Season and The Vampire Happening) who by the strangest of circumstances (or crappy writing trope) has inherited a castle in Transylvania. As she is a direct descendant for the Baroness Catali who she shares a striking resemblance as well.   Ze German has landed!!

After a quick autograph we are treated to stop animation and opening credits with a Hammer Films worthy instrumental and orchestral number. Stop trying to gussy the flick up. Papa ain't buyin'.

Hold me closer, tiny caretaker.

As our protagonist drives to the castle, Nature keeps dropping roadblocks behind her like a boulder or a fallen tree.  COMEDY!  As this has a legendary Hammer Films director, maybe it will be a bit darker. However, our young impressionable American actress finds not everything in and out of the castle is as it appears. The castle's caretaker I guess is what is best to call him freaks the hell out as it would revealed that Betty is the spitting image of her great great grandmother Countess Clarimonde Catani and legends revile her as the most feared vampire of all.

As luck or a carefully placed written trope would have it; a monastery and all-girls school is conveniently next to the castle. Hedonistic vampire dream come true, right? A virulent vampire virus (I was just having fun with literation) begins to sweep the land. One of the derpy monks starts channeling his inner Crazy Ralph and not his Dr. Loomis like he should. Never go full Crazy Ralph.

Oh wait... I sense something. Yes, yes. It's that stupid question again. "Will there be titty?" Take heart, horny male readers. There's titty. The movie's staying power certainly isn't for the plot. We have a fair amount of topless nudity. It would appear my copy is also the unrated version, so a more detailed account of the orgy at the castle. Lucky me. Wee.

Hell at least the castle is real. You see American readers, across Europe and the British Isles, they have actual castles and no giant rodents or talking dogs in them. Sadly, I recognize the castle as it was in use for a raunchy sex comedy, Lady Dracula.

Castle Kreuzenstein in Austria. I like the way they say good bye. Also filmed there was the Mario Bava film, Baron Blood, Ken Annakin's The 5^th Musketeer and Dominic Sena's Season of the Witch with Nicholas Cage.

FILM FACTS!!!

Bad Dracula! Too Young, Brah!

And what vampire movie could this be without an appearance of Dracula? Yes we have a Dracula via Ferdy Mayne (The Fearless Vampire Killers, Hawk the Slayer, Death of a Centerfold: The Dorothy Stratten Story, Conan the Destroyer, Cagney & Lacey, Night Train of Terror, Howling II: Striba Bitch and Pirates). We cannot expect Christopher Lee every time as Dracula but I get the disappointment, folks. I do. Don't worry, more comic relief at the ready with a couple of vampire hunters that are... yeah they are definitely not Team Blade.

The composition is amazing by Jerry van Rooyen (Death on a Rainy Day, Succubus, Sadist Erotica, Kiss Me Monster and How Short Is the Time for Love) and the period piece costumes are bang on. Granted Pia is hardly ever in them but good that the costumers got some work to do and it wasn't all relied on the make up artists to cover asses. Pia also manages her duo roles with two really awful wigs. Looks like they killed some weasels, spray painted them and then with enough hairspray; made them stand at attention.

There's a horny schoolgirls subplot which is just to get them to fullfill their nudity clause. Seriously the school teacher is showing them the error of their wicked ways. With lots of spankings. Yup, shallow waters I be a traveling here.

Didn't get the best copy of this movie which would be the good folks at Anchor Bay. Nope, I gotta get more of my nemesis of repeated titles, the bane of any viewer's existence: Mill Creek Entertainment. Yup, my copy is grainy as the wheat fields of Kansas and the audio is mono. Can you believe those jackasses try to have one of my audio reviews yanked from YouTube?

In conclusion, our "film" is chockful of nudity after the 10 minute mark, hammy puns, obvious sight gags, a zany mistaken identity and...yeah it is pretty painful as a whole. I can't imagine who I would recommend this to.

If you need to torture convicts in GITMO, grab this flick. If you have given up on laughter and love, grab this flick.. If it's this movie or anything Rob Schneider has been in, grab this flick.

Meh, she's no Shannon Tweed.

Aimless Adulteration: Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Hey folks, welcome back for more Aimless Adulteration as we jump back to that far off time of 2011. Oh so long ago he says with oodles of sarcasm. I felt that I have not done a popular comic book any justice. I have read this series ever since Dark Horse Comics translated it from Italian to English. From the creator/writer Tiziano Sclavi (Nero, Cemetery Man a.k.a. Dellamorte Dellamore, Dylan Dog, Vittima degli eventi a.k.a. Dylan Dog - Victim of Circumstances and DYLAN) comes the story of a investigator whose life to a downward spiral. This is Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.

I am ruggedly handsome, aren't I?

Before we get into this, I am aware of several nay sayers of this film because it was too Americanized or the fact that Dylan's sidekick was NOT Groucho Marx as it was in the comic in 1986. Well actually he was batcrap crazy and thought he was Groucho and even managed to pull off the shtick. That being said, I had a blast with this film. Okay on with the review.  An down and out investigator Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh of Superman Returns, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Fling, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Chuck, Arrow, The Flash and Legends of Tomorrow) encounters something of his past haunting him and telling him he needs to get back into "that line of work" again. Set in New Orleans, our would-be hero's conscience is nagging away at him and what he should be doing. His gopher/assistant Marcus (Sam Huntington of Detroit Rock City, Superman Returns, Fanboys, Being Human, The Throwaways, Sully and Finding Sofia) is pleading to being made a full partner and do some real investigations, not just developing film and getting groceries.

So I didn't have Buffy's number so I called you.

The new client Elizabeth Ryan's (Anita Briem of Doctors, The Nun, Doctor Who, The Evidence, Cold Trail, The Tudors and Journey to the Center of the Earth) father was killed and she has been scoffed at by the cops because she believes the killer was supernatural in the sense it was a werewolf that killed her father. Yeah got to admit, I would be a trifle skeptical too. Marcus looks about in the strange and weird happenings of New Orleans and gets killed. Yup right in the office.

Dylan grabs a forensics kit, some firearms and dons his familiar red shirt, black jacket and blue jeans and is back on the paranormal investigations. After confirming a werewolf was around the house, Dylan stops off at the morgue to pick Marcus up. Y'see Marcus is now a zombie. But not a flesh eating ghoul moaning brains braaaains (Thank you ever so much Dan O' Bannon of Return of the Living Dead. Putz.) but finds out that the undead life is like a medical condition...that is treatable?

Meanwhile the hottest club in town, the Corpus House (subtle as a grenade landing in your oatmeal) is a vampire haven providing drink, merriment and a designer drug comprised of vampire blood giving humans a super human high, strength and a primal need to breed and fight. Sorry Crack, you're yesterday's news. Master vampire Vargas (Taye Diggs of How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Go, The Best Man, House on Haunted Hill, Ally McBeal, Private Practice, Baggage Claim and The Best Man Holiday) is smooth, charismatic and scheming to make the breathers (humans) his slaves and take over the world. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yeah, that old chestnut. Seriously, how about creating your own hobo blood bank system around the world to appease your elders or cash in on long-term investments. Always with the world domination with these cats.

Man, Zuul is butt ugly first thing when he wakes up.

Dylan still wary of days gone past, chats up the alpha werewolf in the meat packing district. Hehe little pig, little pig come be porkchops for four. Eldest werewolf Gabriel Cysnos (Peter Stormare of Fargo, The Lost World: Jurassic Park II, The Big Lebowski, 8 MM, Armageddon, Dark Summer, Strange Magic and Arrow) is nervous for the power struggle of the city and fears he may have to assert himself against the vampires if things are moving in the direction they are.

Can Dylan figure out what's going on? How funky does Marcus smell? Is Elizabeth the helpless client or the Femme Fatale?

Love the fact that WCW/WWF wrestling champion Kurt Angle gets to be Gabriel's son and werewolf. It was a nice touch. Now I am aware of a 2014 Italian film following much closer to the comic...oh excuse me, graphic novel. Vittima degli eventi a.k.a. Dylan Dog - Victim of Circumstances and what the hell, I will give it the once over.

Yup so much for the vampires not crossing thresholds.