Young Justice

Howdy. I wanted to write about a cartoon that has been constantly enjoyable and yes I am a forty something watching this. What of it? Not since Justice League has a cartoon been well thought out, written, voice cast and brilliant art. With primary characters hailing from Teen Titans, without the cutesy story-lines and pizza parties, a more serious approach is done still giving a blend of humor and drama. This is Young Justice.

I wonder why I get so many movies.  Oh right, I'm Batman.

With this young team of partners/sidekicks calling the shots on what to do and how to dispense justice, the Justice League feels their young partners are now ready to begin the next level and become closer to the League. Unfortunately, the Leaguers still hold secrets over them and this irks Speedy a.k.a. Red Arrow (Crispin Freeman of Naturo:Shippuden, For Honor, Teen Titans: The Judas Contract, Doomfist Origin Story, Justice League Action) and he splits on Green Arrow.

The rest of the team consisting of Robin/Dick Grayson(Jesse McCartney of Pizza, Jesse McCartney: Get Your Shine On, Kingdom Hearts II, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Horton Hears a Who!, Tinker Bell and The Hardy Boys: The Hidden Theft), Kid Flash/Wally West(Jason Spisak of Everything Must Go, Piranha 3D, Time Lapse,Young Justice and LEGO DC: Batman: Family Matters) and Caldur/Aqualad (Khary Payton of Dracula II: The Ascension, Batman: Arkham Underworld, Mafia III, Young Justice, The Lion Guard, DC Super Hero Girls: Legends of Atlantis and The Walking Dead) go and investigate a weird happening near their school. The project black ops funded cloning process called CADUMUS is less than legal, moral or ethical.

There's something squishy in my boot!

One of their projects is to create a Superman they can completely control for government black ops. Yeah a demigod with a kill switch. Comforting and clearly what tax dollars should be allocated for. Upon finding this Superboy (Nolan North of Uncharted, Uncharted 2, Deadpool, Hulk Vs, Spider-Man, Lego DC Super-Villains, The Lion Guard, Voltron: Legendary Defender and Marvel's Avengers), the team hold their own against villains and stand up for what is right with their mentors. Joining their motley crew is Meg'ann Marz or Miss Martian (Danica McKellar of The Wonder Years, Good Neighbor, The Year That Trembled, Justice League, Sex and the Teenage Mind, Static Shock, X-Men Legends, Inspector Mom and Young Justice) to round out the team.

As their adventures need a bit more stealth and motivation, Batman (Bruce Greenwood of Knots Landing, Passenger 57, Treacherous Beauties, Nowhere Man, Class of the Titans, Star Trek, Batman: Under the Red Hood, Star Trek Into the Darkness and Young Justice) trains the kids in martial arts, espionage, counter-terrorism and subterfuge. So this is a Titans team under Batman tutelage. Their levels just went up. Later new members join the ranks and get to learn how dangerous the really real world is and good and evil isn't so cut and dry. It's a high stakes game of patience, combat and execution of plans.

Not even warmed up, Robin.

Understand, there is more than a few Justice League based story-lines but the primary characters are this Young Justice team. Following them as they grow into their roles and still behave as teens and friends.

For the avid DC Fans, we get plenty of villain appearances, characters we thought the WB and DC forgot about, stakes, actions and consequences. Voice cast alone is worth this.

This is DC Comics at its best. Taking a hiatus due to ratings around Season 2, the gang has come back for Season 3 and is still going strong. Honestly I have not enjoyed DC like this since Justice League. Completely worthy of the hardened DC fans, casual viewers and all ages. You will get a lot from this 25 minute cartoon. Oh and kids, you may have to field questions like the following: "Which one is that one?" "Do all these kids have powers?" "How come they listen to that guy?" and so on.

So why are you down capes and tights?

Captain Marvel

Howdy all. Well time for a new release. Yes I know so many of you wanted an obscure Italy Horror or an Exploitation film from the 1950s but dammit I need some new viewing material from time to time. With this new Marvel "Cough Disney subservient" release, the controversy (that really isn't) we finally have a female protagonist not surrounded by male counterparts in the sense they have to protect or govern her.   As Phase 3 is commencing and it's all about outer space, it is time.  This is Captain Marvel.

C'mon, put 'em up! Put 'em up!

Our story is in a far away time...the dreaded 1990s.  That savage time period.   Cellphones could barely flip, we had actual face-to-face conversations and our music wasn't completely sucky.   Enter a young Kree (Alien species with blue blood that can resurrect humans) recruit Vers (Bria Larson of Free Fire, Room, Kong: Skull Island, The Glass Castle, Unicorn Store, Basmati Blues and Captain Marvel) is having confusing dreams/nightmares. A link to the past? Another life before the Kree? Who can say?

She and her trainer/mentor Yon-Rogg (Jude Law of Gattaca, Final Cut, A.I. Artificial Intelligence, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Alfie and Repo Men) tells her in true Obi-Wan fashion to be mindful of her feelings, powers and surroundings. To serve the Empire with diligence, dignity and grace.  She's a bit headstrong, cocky and some levels, arrogance. I like that. Reminds me of me. No wait, that's another film. She and her team are on mission to stop Skrulls (race of shapeshifting and transmographing alien combantants) for disrupting the harmony of an outside system under Kree protection.  Vers is captured and probed (mind not anus. You perverts) as the gaps in her memory show her a parallel life on an insignificant blue and green planet involving primitive vehicles like go-karts, 64 and a half Mustangs, Hornet fighter jets and hey... ain't that Earth? How kooky.

The domesticated Skrull attends to light housekeeping and dusting.

As Vers is done with hanging upside down, she proceeds to open a big gulp worth of whoop ass on the Skrulls, escapes the vessel in a pod and crash land in a refuge of movie known as Blockbuster Video.  Hope I didn't lose the Milennials again. Prior to Red Box, there was a store that provided you VHS and DVDs, snacks and soda, along with human interaction on selecting films of current or previous eras. Thanks to progress...we have none of those. Hurrah.

With being an extraterrestrial, she is flanked by a couple of SHIELD agents, Fury (Samuel L Jackson of Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers, Black Snake Moan, The Incredibles and Afro Samurai) without his mother f bombs (so sad) and Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg of Spartan, The West Wing, When a Stranger Calls, The Air I Breathe, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Avengers, Ultimate Spider-Man and Captain Marvel). Assigned by their higher ups to keep tabs on Vers, understand and plan for the Skrulls and see if she is on our side.

Jackson senses MF Bombs but is forbidden to utter them.

With Vers' team lead by Yon-Rogg, I can't help but recognize a few later villainous fellows such as Korath (Djmon Housou of Stargate, ER, The Four Feathers, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, Constantine, The Island, Blood Diamond and Guardians of the Galaxy) and Ronan the Accuser (Lee Pace of Pushing Daisies, A Single Man, When in Rome, The Resident, 30 Beats, Lincoln, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and Guardians of the Galaxy) so yeah a tad flashback like. Not unlike this whole film granted.

Piecing together her life on Earth and in the Kree homeworld, Hala Vers is having conflicting memories about a FTL drive (Faster than Light) and who it would benefit.

Can Vers agree to work with SHIELD? Can the Skrulls be defeated? Can the Kree be trusted?

So yeah Marvel, nice of you to get off your ass and finally have a predominant female protagonist film. Not as though Marvel archives are rife with them and...oh wait, THERE ARE TONS of them!! Let's address the chauvinistic pricks that whined about this movie. Fellas, what's the damn problem? She came, she saw and she kicked ass.   Had Spidey levels of quips, energy channeling and re-directional blasts, flight, strength. She's Captain Marvel. So what's the friggin' problem? Did you not "See Yourselves?" Boo frickin' hoo. How many muscle bound male hero flicks out there? You can find more than a few.

This is Black Panther whiny white guy bitching all over again. Frankly, I wanted to see Valkyrie, She-Hulk, Spider-Woman, Elsa Bloodstone and Misty Knight 20 YEARS AGO, but I cannot bitch and complain about that all the time. I would be tedious and annoying. Much like the pricks that complained about this film. Solid storyline, a few alterations to meet the current timeline, great cameos and nods to the current nifty gags and tropes, this is a decent flick.

Oh and guys that ask me this FAR TOO OFTEN, no there is no titty in the movie. 

Miles away, Hollywood Video had Hercules drunk again.

Messiah of Evil

How goes it? Well after that festering stink nugget of a film Monday, I need a pick me up. Alas no ether in site so I will have to just watch today's movie and hope for the best. Another horror film but at least the synopsis offers promise. A young woman searches for her missing artist father in a California sea based town, but the whole area is watched by a strange cult of the undead. This is Messiah of Evil.

Worse orgy...ever.

Worry not, gentle readers. This is yet another alternative titled film. Titles like: Messiah of the Evil Dead, Deep Swamp, Messiah of Evil: The Second Coming, The Second Coming, Revenge of the Screaming Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Dead People, Night of the Damned and Blood Busters. What a collective of festive titles.

We see a young man with that seventies hair, the Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter and he's wearing corduroy. Apparently running for quite a while or he is a chain smoker and it's only been 5 blocks. A young girl lets him into her pool patio where he takes it easy for a moment and then throat slashed open with a straight razor with the first minute and 22 seconds. Boom title card! No screwing around here.

We have some mildly depressing music. Think Morrisey. As a young woman down a long hallway declares that madness is all around her and they can't even hear her scream. The monologue feels as though the main protagonist is recapping those events prior and we are playing catch up.

Gentle and demure Arletty (Marianna Hill of Mannix, The Name of the Game, The Baby, High Plains Drifter, Kung Fu, The Magician, The Godfather: Part II and S.W.A.T.) is on a quest to find her wayward artist father in the small beach town of Point Dume, California. She arrives at his beachfront house to find it abandoned. Bereft of life in the house, she finds a diary specifically addressed to her. As she reads through it, her father complains about a darkness consuming the town little by little, these ominous nightmares he has been having and tell her to never look for him. I was personally waiting for a to do list, grocery list and possibly girls he slept with and his ratings on each of them.

So pants optional at this gas station? Okaaay.

She rolls into town, low on gas and a full service station! What a myth. Her attendant seems to busting caps into howling creatures' collective asses. No wolves were hurt in the making of this film. The poor foley guy though. Ouch. Dude comes right over, cleans the windows and gases her up and there is this huge awkward pause. Because honestly do you want to ask what he was shooting at, not knowing if he is unhinged?

The owner of the art gallery was absolutely no help whatsoever as he recounts vaguely meeting Arletty's father and said that none of his work would sell as all his paintings had gatherings of peopele in that were black, white and grey. The men were all in black suits, white shirts and black ties. So either the Mormons moved heavily in Cali, the Men in Black stationed there or this was some serious brown acid he dropped.

Arletty bumps into smooth aristocrat Thom (Michael Greer of The Gay Deceivers, Diamond Stud, The Curious Female, Fortune and Men's Eyes, The Streets of San Francisco, Summer School Teachers and Sunshine) and his two bits of posh crumpets Toni (Joy Bang of Maidstone, The Young Lawyers, Hawaii Five-O, Pretty Maids All in a Row, Night of the Cobra Woman, Room 222, and Cisco Pike) and Laura (Anitra Ford of The Big Bird Cage, Invasion of the Bee Girls, The Longest Yard, Messiah of Evil, Starsky & Hutch, Wonder Woman, Baretta and The Streets of San Francisco).

Group hickeys!!!

They are gadding about and having fun but Thom has to interview the town kook for an article on the town of Point Dume, Charlie (my favorite character actor, Elisha Cook Jr. Of The Maltese Falcon, A Gentleman at Heart, Dark Waters, The Big Sleep, Shane, House on Haunted Hill, Peter Gunn, Rosemary's Baby, Blacula, The Night Stalker and Salem's Lot). Charlie speaks about the 100^th anniversary of the dark stranger that came to town. He also talk about the blood moon. The night of the blood moon appears and the evil will consume the town. It's at this point, I have already packed my bags and got the hell out of there. Elisha also provides more bug eyes than he did even in House on Haunted Hill. Looks like a deranged leprechaun hoarding his Lucky Charms from those pesky kids.

Well about this time to start thinning out the cast, am I right? Sorry barely line having eye candy, yer toast.

Thom and girls get bounced out of the hotel like a bad check and they all crash at Arletty's dad's pad.

Yeah that was some seventies lingo but so is the flick.

Arletty takes her time through dad's journal and that is a trope pet peeve of mine. Read the whole thing through one sitting dammit. Think of the lives you could spare. And don't read any book of unspeakable evil out loud. Okay done ranting but the journal wasn't even that long.

Can the evil be thwarted? With Arletty, Thom and the girls survive the night?

Let's see... the pace was kind of on the move from the get go. They didn't dally but still had plenty of time to build up suspense. The kills are reasonably nasty and the plot was unusual and clever linking to a horror of the past. Honestly I think if you found a better copy than what I got, you would enjoy it. Old school story telling with a bit of freedom from the stereotypical standings of the genre. This sort of mob scene is pre Romero's The Crazies or Dawn of the Dead. No I am not giving away any more spoilers than necessary because it would ruin the film experience. Personally, I liked it. Good and creepy. The music scores were a tad odd. Just what I presume an acid trip would sound like in your head. Weird spoken word tunes and some ORGAN MUSIC!!

Aside from that, it was fun. For those that felt it wasn't their cup of tea, have fun riffing it at a drinking party.

Joni Mitchell looks HiIiIiIIiIIiigh!!!!

The Revenge of Doctor X

Hey there gang! So welcoming this July in our midst, we can take in a mad scientist movie. Yeah it's been a while and clearly we were due. Howzabout a co-op of American and Japanese cast and production companies? I mean that never ends in tears, right? Okay I will level with you, I have gone a bit crackers with Public Domain and there has to be something entertaining. This is The Revenge of Doctor X.

Those tacos aren't sitting well, Walt. You may want to crack a window.

Worry not my readers, it has alternative titles. Because it wouldn't be this blog without those. Also known as: The Double Garden, Venus Flytrap, Body of the Prey, The Revenge of Dr. X and The Devil Garden. Produced by Toei Company (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Ghost in the Shell, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Scanners and The Way of the Dragon) and re-redistributed by New Horizons Home Video and my old nemesis, Mill Creek Entertainment; I just know I am getting something worthwhile.

Brought to me less than glorious mono, the title screen reminds me of General Hospital in the sixties and the organ music for the intro is abysmal.  Already we are off to a good start.  Scientist Dr. Bragan (James Craig of The Devil and Daniel Webster, The Omaha Trail, Seven Miles from Alcatraz, Dangerous Partners, Northwest Stampede, Code Two and Studio 57) smokes like a chimney and must launch a rocket out of Cape Canaveral. The line was brilliant. "How in the hell can anyone be so utterly stupid as to build a rocket base on the coast of Florida?!" With weather patterns being what they are, Dr. Bragan seems a trifle irked. It was then I looked at IMDB and found that the over the top dialogue is supplied by none other than Ed Wood (Glen or Glenda, Jail Bait, The Violent Years, Outlaw Queen, The Bride and the Beast, Plan 9 from Outer Space and Night of the Ghouls) so I prepare myself for the barb wire enema awaiting me.

C'mon Doc, let's go root around in our own filth.

With the tropical storm evading the launch site, all systems are go! Cue the stock footage! A few days in and there could be a possible error in their calculations. "Could be? Could be...Doctor Stanley?" Dr. Paul Nakamura (James Yagi of The Ugly American, The Twillight Zone, The Outer Limits, King Kong vs Godzilla and Walk Don't Run) being Dr. Bragan's assistant tells him maybe his skull crushing headaches will pass if he isn't around so much stress and vacations in Japan. Land of Kaijui, cyborgs, mecha and Kurosawa films. Might work.

Bragan goes on for a 3 minute speech how the War made it impossible for him to visit Japan and his botany major never fulfilled. So how does one go from the study of plants to rockets? Hell if I know. Even with his rambling of the weight of mathematics with the bombs and eventual movement to the Space Race I was still baffled. I am re-titling this the Adventures of Doctor Snooze. If painter Bob Ross and pompous mansplainer John Agar had their genes spliced, this man would be the outcome. 7 minutes in and I want a nap.  Might also be the constant General Hospital soundtrack of ORGAN MUSIC.  More organ music in this flick than Carnival of Souls and that is saying something. Mostly that both films have their highs and lows.   Mostly.

Bragan's swingin' pad comes with a gorgeous assistant Norkio (Atsuko Rome of Akuma no niwa and Venus Flytrap). Too late for me to get this gig?   I can prattle on about rockets and plants too.   Meh. This entire film is shot in Japan and the kooky incidental music for sitcom is played for him running out of gas.   Gas station attendant (Al Ricketts of Akuma no niwa and Venus Flytrap) has taken to snake handling in his off hours. Yup it's that kind of movie where it is padded more than a psych ward.  Who asked for this film and why does it feel like Catholic punishment?   Upside, I can send a copy to Gitmo for interrogation methods.  Gimme what I want or you're watching Venus Flytrap again!   Gas station attendant (no name given in the whole time on screen) is a one man crack-up.  By that, he seems to only make himself laugh. He is also ADR as all his dialogue has clearly been re-added post production. GO TO JAPAN NOW!!!!

Lured by the flora and fauna, Bragan scoops up some of each to take with him to Japan. I'm sure Customs will love that and the guy with the rubber glove will be a firm but gentle lover as well.

Shall we get the goofs out of the way? I heard the howl of a coyote. In Japan. Where they would not be native to. Also customs would not allow live plants, fruits or foreign soil brought into their country by a commercial passenger.

Finally, some eye candy.

Okay got all that snark out of the way.  Let's make a quick note of camera work. Blocking is terrible, focus keeps popping in and out and there really isn't anything creatively done with the camera. No wide angles, roof shots or crane work that might have pepped this film up a bit. Also I am not certain if Ed Wood understood the medical definition of nervous breakdown as the Doctor seems to have them every five minutes. They seem to come on like Cluster migraines or micro seizures. Longed for some Tommy Wiseau reading like: "You're TEARING ME APART, Lisa!!"

Naturally our mad scientist some assistants for his plant endeavors, so alongside Noriko is a dwarf who I don't even have the actor's name or even the character's name. Bravo movie. Seriously, not even the credits had this sad cat's name.

Also I am convinced either God or Mother Nature is trying to kill Bragan as boulders, trees and other such debris kept hurtling its way at him which didn't seem to faze or even bother him. Giant ass rock almost crushes the guy and he shrugs it off like a minor inconvenience. The continuous organ music is Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.  How did I find out?   I looked it up.  Figured I should see to what classical music was being butchered along with my sanity. The main problem of this film is that it dithers getting to the experiments. When he isn't losing his shit, screaming at Noriko or having yet another sightseeing trip, he might actually get around to doing some science.   Let's us not forget he's staying near AN ACTIVE VOLCANO!!!!  YUP!   Very relaxing this time of year.  So soothing is lava flow in your living room.  WHAT THE HELL??!!!

Cher is prepped to go under the knife just one more time.

SCIENCE WAITS FOR NO MAN!!! Unless you are in this flick. So imagine crossing Frankenstein with a touch of The Day of the Triffids. That sounds a bit exciting, right?

58 minutes! That is how long before we get to the science! Yeah most creature features by this time, the monster has escaped, racked up a double digit body count, the local law enforcement has taken the scientist downtown. Things would be happening! He tampered in God's domain tropes would be flying about. Not this opus. Oh God no. The kooky incidental music is driving me up the wall at this point. Just out of place and I guess decent dissolves and a montage would be too much to ask of this flick.

An hour and 8 minutes in and finally our creature appears. With Venus fly trap hands, an eerie howl and tentacles, I immediately feared for Noriko. It is getting a bit Hentai there.

This hour and 33 minute movie drags on like a snail on a salt bed. I am certain my beard grew, ass fell asleep and brain cells committed suicide. Don't worry fellas, the topless female pearl divers confirm your tiresome question. For those not in on the joke, aye there be titty.

I was informed that Rifftrax made fun of this movie, which would have suited me fine. Riffing by your lonesome gets dull.

Hmm that's a botched nose job.

Memorial Valley Massacre

Hey gang. Hope you enjoyed that Jim Wynorski film last week because I have went off the beaten path and back into Public Domain Woods and I think I found something that smells worse than a dead and bloated skunk left under the floorboards of a cabin, last spring. With that graphic description done, I am perplexed to what I have as the alternative titles went a bit out there. So a slasher film in the deep woods here we go. This is Memorial Valley Massacre.

Must be a impotence commercial.

Ah, still love low budget horror feeling the words Massacre or Savage solves a crappy film. No, a script writer with enough savvy and brain cells does that. And luck would have it, we do have some alternative titles: Memorial Day, Valley of Death and Son of Sleepaway Camp. Yeah that last one doesn't even make sense. Angela had a son that now stalks the land? Spoiler! Angela's a boy.

This 1989 horror film has undertones of ecological ideals and the killer could be constrewn as Nature striking back in the same way that Jason Vorhees hates T&A, pre-martial sex, alcohol abuse and weed. I am concerned when the director Robert C. Hughes also brought to the screen Zadar! Cow from Hell and Lusty Liasons II. Yes, those titles are real movies.

A gaggle of folks are ready to go camping, boozing and getting all fleshy with one another. Yeah I don't recognize a single one of the kids. I'm convinced they actually kill off the cast. In fact, the only cast member I do know: Cameron Mitchell is hardly even in it as a greedy land developer. A dead worker and dead dog convinces him to shut down the works but hey these campers are more than welcome to try their luck.

Mitchell takes off leaving his son David (Mark Mears) to handle the project and then just takes off. Seriously Cameron Mitchell is not even in the rest of the film. Probably drank himself to sleep for the rest of the shoot.

Not since Easy Rider have there been such mean motor scooters.

We're treated to a zany montage of campers pitching tents with wacky sound effects, bumbling people and if these white people start dancing, I am calling up Jason Vorhees to go to town on them. Someone needs to be stumped to death. For those unaware of this particular maneuver, Vorhees grabs the camper and impales them by forcing their torso on a stump. Perhaps I need a better technical term.

Let's talk about the biggest let down, the killer. The reveal is far too soon and much like the porno money shot, once it happens it is kind of a drag. Five minutes into the movie and Mongo Cromagnon appears. Looks like he scalped Nikki Six in 80s Motley Crue era, glued it to his head and he roams around the campgrounds. Monkeyboy or Hermit as that is what he is tagged via IMDB (John Caso) is irked that people walk about his forest and he proceeds to lash out! By that, he breaks a few windows in the camper trailers and grunts a lot.

Two rangers patrol this whole area of which is Gold Creek Ranch. Ordinarily I would be losing my crap but it is only 160 acres which tabulates to about a quarter of a mile so yeah not really the hot bed of activity I thought it was going to be. I think Crystal Lake covers more mileage. Okay enough Friday the 13^th references I swear.

A rough and tumble biker gang makes their way to the camp grounds and... okay they are as butch as an champion ice skater's partner. I was more intimidated by the bikers in Friday the 13^th in 3D when they harassed Shelly. (Okay that was the last Friday the 13^th reference!).

Wet T-shirt strikes! Meh.

Oh no, motherf**king snakes on my motherf**king camp food! Well that puts a damper on the great outdoors...that has things of nature. Who knew Oscar Meyer could attract so many reptiles.

Naturally this puts off some of the campers and they bail. Like in the next 20 minutes. Okay, don't expect to get your parking fee back. I am certain there were signs up saying: Don't bring crappy processed food to the woods.

The horny campers are looking to make time but the camera can't stay in focus so I guess they have to die instead. I really can't understand why this film isn't properly blocked. Maybe the cameraman was sleeping off the booze he split with Cameron Mitchell, this is his first time filming or he is just really crap at his job. Holy crap! Conan's dad is on the set. William Smith has a ridiculously large filmography ranging from stunts, action films, dude studied Kung Fu, Kenpo and Karate since he was a kid. A body builder and is fluent in at least seven languages. The hell you doing in Memorial Valley Massacre??!! Oh right, working actor. Got it.

Heavens, there's rain! Yeah rude, annoying portly guy on a three wheeler gets his neck snapped. Ohhh graphic. Billy's beheading in Silent Night, Deadly Night of the sledding victim was impressive. This? Not so much. And you know what makes a scary movie? Ghost stories told to adults. Yeah riveting. About as suspenseful as getting your oil changed at a Jiffy Lube. Dear God, will they include sales tax in the final price??!! I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

Don't fret, fellas. There is some nudity. Yes that age old question, "Will there be titty?" We got you covered. Dear God, can I go through one slasher film review without being asked that? I know not.

So we do have some night time attacks and they are done well. For some reason this version has clips of hardcore pornography. I am not even kidding. I am just glad I didn't video review this because I would have to black box these clips. Stay classy movie.

A bear discovers Fatty McGee and they actually called the cops in the middle of the film. Of course, all they do is get the paramedics in to move Tons of Not So Fun and tell them that the killer bear is out of their jurisdiction and they won't be able to get more help finding him until the middle of the week. So maybe tell the campers to go home could be a priority...or not? Do you want tourist money in more? Close the beaches? Get Matt Hooper of Bears out here? Maybe they were going for another sequel to Grizzly. One that was actually finished that is.

Head Ranger (still the most filthiest title) decides to hunt down the bear as they are convinced he is the killer. That is profiling dammit! I won't stand for it. The campers are informed of the bear attack and rather the sensible idea of getting the hell out of Dodge, many of them are volunteering to go hunt the beer down. Welp, grabbed a twelve pack and a rifle. I'm sure it can only end well. In tears and dumb redneck deaths. Psst token black guys, leave the camp! ASAP! PDQ!

So to recap, we have ghost stories, slapstick, half-assed kills, wet t-shirts in the rain, a random bear and hardcore porn. The hell am I watching?

Ultimately this hodge podge film has no real direction, the characters are so one dimensional you couldn't be moved to care if they die and forget story arc. That ship sailed long ago. There is better film on a dead man's eyes. Sickel & Ebert wouldn't give this film the finger, let alone a thumbs up.

Eddie Deezen is Glenn Danzig in Monkey Boy of Doom.

Batman vs Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Howdy Rotten Readers! Word shopping a fan based term. So after sitting through a public domain horror film I was asked to do something more mainstream. Yes readers, I do take requests. Feel free to hit me up on Instagram, Facebook and the like and leave title suggestions. That being said, this request was for a team-up I was only aware of the comic book crossover, it was a tad confusing to see Nickelodeon and Warner Brothers hand in hand with this project. This is Batman vs Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Pizza party in the Bat Cave!!

Yeah I didn't stutter; as this was released to streaming, DVD and Blu-Ray on June 4^th, this very month. I heard skuttlebutt about it but thought it was wishful fanboy goofiness. I was most definitely wrong. Now certain elements of the comic book series has been passed over as they might have been deemed convoluted or unnecessary. The turtles do not travel through a dimensional tunnel but in fact, drive from New York to Gotham. Big difference. The whole instability of their mutagen properties in another dimension was shelved and honestly good idea.

Shredder has apparently been hobnobbing with Ras Al Ghul. Because there's two conglomerates you want together. League of Assassins and the Foot Clan. Can you just see the T-shirts now? Shredder is offering the mutagen to Ras Al Ghul to make obedient mutants and Shredder gets to dip in the Lazurus Pit to extend his life further with the whole near immortality and all.

But enough about the baddies. The turtles are a bit edgy, Ralphael is a bit of a harsh dick, Donnie's very cerebral as always, Mikey's got jokes and Leo has the proverbial stick up the butt as per usual.

Visiting Powers Industry (little nod to Batman Beyond), Barbara Gordon (for some reason made a college kid again) is fascinated by this clean air and emission free generator when...evil is afoot! Well the Foot Clan start haranguing the scientists in an attempt to steal the generator. Oh FYI, these are not shoddy built robots but human ninjas. And parents, there is some decent violence. Not 80s Action Hero level mind you, but still some blood in the air so you have been warned. About PG rating.

So, do my goggles make me look kind of dumb?

Ninja shenanigans aside, the generator is gone, Babs blabs to Bats about it and he is looking pretty peeved. Not dead parents peeved but at least irked. A bit of footage and Batman is on the case trying to figure out both the appearance of the Foot as well as the Turtles. To be fair, he may not read the New Yorker.

Wayne Enterprises' experimental tech is up for grabs with the exception of their night watchman who pummels quite a few Foot before having a showdown with the Shredder. Also they didn't over power Bats for a change so that's nice to see him being mortal.

Plenty of Easter Eggs for fans of either series. I caught a "My Toe!" reference from the standup arcade of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:Turtles in Time. Mikey's jokes just poke fun at Gotham. I mean all the damn blimps for example. They never have billboard ads, they don't route any traffic changes, they're never over a stadium. What's with all the damn blimps, Gotham!?! Couldn't help but notice,Baxter Stockman sounds very much like Jeff Goldblum via The Fly so yeah some good gags.

The Craigslist hook-up that shocked the world.

With a mystery to be solved, the World's Greatest Detective is on the case. Along with Damien Wayne/Robin and Batgirl, our caped crusaders fight alongside the Turtles to defeat Ras Al Ghul and Shredder.

The artwork is reminiscent of The Brave and the Bold Batman series with a slight tone of the 2008 TMNT. The designs of the characters are simple enough but not so radical that you couldn't identify these folk. The biggest plus of this film is no huge, overtly elaborate explanation of every character. Even if you are just mildly aware of either comic book, movies or cartoons , the average movie goer can pop this in and get right to the story. Easy peasy.

Also we are spared dead Wayne parents. Yeah Warner Brothers, I am sick to death of Thomas and Martha kill scenes. WE GET IT! We know why his runs around Gotham in a lightweight, ceramic and Kevlar armor beating the crap out of bad guys.   Additional, loved the Batmoble resembled the Animated Series version overall.

 Breeze feels good on my junk tonight.

Thankfully this has the right amount of grim and humor. Hell the title intro scene music feels like a proper mesh of Batman and TMNT so kudos to composer Kevin Riepl (Nancy Drew: Curse of Blackmoor Manor, Nancy Drew: Secret of the Old Clock, Gears of War, Crackdown 2, Silent Night, Aliens: Colonial Marines, Justice League Action and Constantine City of Demons: The Movie) and a serious praise for the slightly loose interpretation of writers James Tynion IV and Freddie Williams II, this was a lot of fun. Recommend this for all ages, we got a decent popcorn film with the right amount of ass kicking, crime solving and of course, Turtle Power.

KER-POW!

Demolition High

Welcome back to the blog, ladies and germs! So no I will not be watching the next Witchcraft movie. Not because I am sick of the lovely Stephanie Beaton. She's been an absolute doll. No, it is more of the mindset is I wanted to plug another Jim Wynorski film and plenty of you that seem to enjoy those read-through, so changing up is always good. So how about a hostage scenario with a high school and only the misfit kids can thwart the terrorists? This is Demolition High.

Jinkies, I'm lost and insanely hot.

Now there are too many critics giving this the title, "Toy Soldiers Knock-off" and that is complete crap. These particular films of this action category has been Die Hard over and over. Toy Soldiers: Die Hard in a school. Under Siege: Die Hard on a Battleship. Passenger 57: Die Hard on a plane.  Air Force One: Die Hard on a plane again and Cliffhanger: Die Hard on a mountain. Cast less aspersions is all I am getting at, fellow critics.

Now then, on with the film. Our flick opens with night exterior on a lonesome check gate. A tawny, long legged brunette claims she is running a delivery and is lost to the gate guard (George 'Buck' Flower of Escape from New York, Starman, Back to the Future, Cheerleader Camp, Maniac Cop and They Live). Looking that gorgeous. Uh huh. Tanya (Rocky DeMarco of The Wasp Woman, The Assault, Desert Thunder, Raptor, The Curse of the Komodo, Vampire in Vegas and Camel Spiders) pulls a fast one, smokes the guard with a Desert Eagle and a cadre of paramilitary commandos in plain clothes and led by Luther (Jeff Kober of Falcon Crest, China Beach, Kindred: The Embraced, Charmed, Buffy the Vampire Slayer,The Hills Have Eyes II and Sons of Anarchy) proceed to their raid.

Couldn't help but notice all the Uzi 9mms they had. Garage Sale from Night of the Comet?

Rebellious kid Lenny (Corey Haim of Lucas, Silver Bullet, The Lost Boys, License to Drive, Fast Getaway, Fast Getaway II, Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Lost Boys: The Tribe and Crack: High Voltage) loves stickin' it to the man. The man being his father who is police chief. A standard by the book dad and anarchistic son and how they don't truly understand one another. Why, it would take a near death scenario for them to come together. Saaaay...

Ignore the bowl cut. I'm cool.

You almost feel bad for the two cops chasing the truck from last night's heist. Pretty sure one was only days away from retirement. Luther and crew had a fair degree of firearms, explosives and braggadocio they lay claim to the school and prepare to hand out their demands.

Establishing a perimeter and a rapport is the good police chief and General Wainwright (Dick Van Patten of Violent Midnight, Westworld, Love, American Style, The New Dick Van Dyke, The Streets of San Francisco, Eight is Enough, The Love Boat and Spaceballs) as the squabble with each other over jurisdiction and what is best to do with the terrorists in question.

Meanwhile Lenny with a handful of martial arts and some evil tricks seems to be handing the terrorists their collective asses. That being said, Corey Haim's bowl cut is so painful to look at. Just can't stand that hair cut EVER.

Now for me, the big attraction is the bad girl Tanya played by Rocky DeMarco with her tight black leather vest, waves of curled black hair, that cocky half-opened smile. Yes I was a tad smitten.

I did laugh hearing Alan Thicke curse. Yeah I'm of the Growing Pains generation so yes this was a tad surprising. Death by circular saw was a different attack. Spoilers, Alan Thicke wasn't hit by it, I just couldn't think of a transitional comment to make from one point to the next there.

Next time on Ms. 45, The Series.

I have read enough critics and armchair directors exclaiming everything from bad acting, cheap effects, a horrible script. If the movie had a parrot, they would have thrown rocks at it. Okay it is not Shakespeare. Love Rocky's terrorist with an insane blood lust. Jeff Kober giving great villain with his deep imposing voice, he and Rocky had great rapport and honestly Corey is doing a pretty damn good job with the one-liners. As for me, I am making 8 is Enough references, watching gun fights, explosions and decent fight sequences.

Personally I am scared for Lenny. Guy had no problem blowing guys away, using tools and hardware and breaking out the martial arts. Might possibly be either an action hero or a serial spree killer. Pure sociopath.

Enough love for this movie dubbed it worthy of a sequel, Demolition University but Jim Wynorski isn't involved with that so it may get left on the back burner for awhile. Over all this film has been deemed underrated. Got solid action, decent lines and I was losing my mind noticing all the character actors. Sorry cromagnon males, no titty. You will adjust or not.

You ain't from around here are ya, boy?