Thursday, November 8, 2012

Shark Night 3D....yes really.


Ah a festive outing at the salt water lake with a gaggle of teens in search of beer, good times and the possibility of getting laid.  What could ever go wrong you ask?   Well journey with us to Shark Night in 3D.  The director of this opus is none other than David R Ellis.  The man that brought you Final Designation 2, Cellular and Snakes on a Plane.  Oh yes kiddies fasten your safety belts because the non-stop bumpy ride will drift you into unconsciousness.  We have our typical mock up of Jaws murder scene started right away, offering us the notion of a fast sped paced action but in the worlds of the Immortal John Belushi  “BUT NOoOoOOoOOO!!!”   We have to establish dialogue, characters and of course many a dark past.   45 minutes into the movie and you are praying for the sharks to eat you simply out of boredom.  Our illustrious teen gang came across the local yokels after acquiring the liquor and snacks and yes they are the stereotypical characters of hate, racism and spite with just a hint of sorrow to round them out.  Donal Logue of Blade, Ghost Rider and Grounded for Life and Joel David Moore of Bones and Hatchet are the only two actors I recognize so already I know I am in for it.

The dialogue was written up over a drunken weekend.  Our vile villains are so hokey they would be rejected from a comic book and our protagonist is more wooden than the desk I am writing this review on.  The CGI/3D effects are quite often but they are relying on the jump scare cuts to carry the weight of the movie.   Not every horror film can pull off the jump scare effect but of the last 7 years plenty of horror films such as: Saw, Hostel and remakes like the Hills Have Eyes rely on the jump scare cut.  Somehow in this substantial salt water lake a menagerie of sharks of different size and specie has materialized in the area and no one is the wiser to such. 
 With their boat destroyed and a member graphically injured the gang decides they should trust the yokels to get them to safety and a life flight for their maimed buddy.    What a surprise with the yokels they previously squabbled with turn out to be asses and psychos on top of which.  Losing the cast one by one it was my reaction that no one in the audience cared.  I think they were all in silent pray that none of their friends caught them viewing it and they could escape said film with a modicum of dignity intact.

 The plot was weak to say the least.  Characters were so stereotypical and one dimensional no one could be bothered to wonder if they would grow as young adults.  The CGI/3D was slowly hurting this photophobic fellow’s head and I cannot believe there was that much need for Indie band music to combine with NO action at all.  Blaring tunes as we reasonably drive through town at a safe speed!   What the hell?    The other aspect that annoyed I personally was they quarter cranked the film speed and then reversed the effect to go speeding through the town and highway.  I was under the impression when editors and directors did this was similar to an action hero training montage.  Cover emotion and physicality in a short span of time and move on to the next standing.   Not this film, no sir.
  This particular move was done 3 times in the film and I guess it was to drive any epileptic out of the theater or drop them straight into a comatose state.    It makes the 20 minutes of Ben boarding up the windows in Night of the Living Dead feel positively Shakespearean.
Long story  short(Too late) if you need a very slow paced monster movie with less than believable sharks and villains then you have found your Utopia and if in fact you are just looking for complex storylines, meaningful dialogue as well as flushed out characters, tread not these waters me lads and lassies.   There be crap in it and Davy Jones locker is all out of Tidy bowl.