Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Sy-fy Monster Movie Week: Boa vs Python

Hey all.  Let’s get back to trudging through sci-fi schlock shall we?  And what better title to start us off then an epic battle between giant mutated reptiles.   So gather in front the idiot box, pop some popcorn and throw out your favorite MST3K reference.   This is Boa Vs Python.

Spoilers have become an unprecedented size!

When getting the green light for this film; writers Sam Wells (Shark Hunter, Hyper Sonic, Rapid Exchange, Epoch: Evolution and Phantom Force) and Bobby White (Ju-on: The Grudge, Tokyo Psycho, Captive Factory Girls: The Violation, Tokyo Train Girls: Private Lessons and Tokyo Train Girls 3: The Sensuous Nurse) bounced off the couch they had been living on, mopped up their bong water and proceeded onto our episodic story.   I assume pot or mushrooms was involved in this brilliant film idea. Director David Flores mustered all his magnificence we saw in Lake Placid 2 to present this phenomenal creation worthy of the finest cocktail napkin.
My main question is what suave, ruthless and cunning individual pitched this flick to the executives to cut a check for this turkey and how come he is not a political negotiator for the Middle East?   I digress and on to the myth in the making.

Our  credits open with an orchestral number, credit titles that give it an almost Army of Darkness feel and then the story opens with a wrestling match of two masked individuals known as Boa and Python.  You know in case you forgot what you rented or DVRed.   Vast casino owner billionaire Broddick (Adam Palladino of The Drone Virus, 29 Reasons to Run, Boston Girls and Stealing Roses) has been informed his purchase of an 80 foot python has been snuck into the states and on an 18 wheeler heading his way.  Happier than a pig in poop, Broddick nibbles on his girl Eve (Angel Boris Reed of Warlock III: The End of Innocence, Suicide Blonde, King’s Highway and Peak Experience) unbeknownst to him but known to the writer of said sputum, the python wakes from his tranq induced nap and is quite pissed.   A fight ensues, less than realistic explosion destroys the convoy (RUBBER DUCK NOOOOOOO!!!) and our reptile beats feet which is a feat in of itself lacking legs.  

This film is apparently a continuous of the said title Python as FBI agent Sharpe (Kirk B.R. Woller of Swordfish, Minority Report, Poseidon and Resident Evil: Extinction) is sent in to investigate the FUBAR of the road, assesses the situation and clearly he needs…a herpetologist (expert on amphibians and reptiles) Dr. Emmett (David Hewlett of Cube, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Splice and Rise of the Planet of the Apes) and Marine biologist Monica Bonds (Jaime Bergman of Any Given Sunday, Son of the Beach, Gone in 60 Seconds and Angel) to track the python and destroy it with what you ask?  Why a genetically enhanced boa constrictor named Betty which is tagged and fitted with a tracking device to insure safe proceedings.  Yes, there is no recipe for disaster there.  

Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we?  The CGFX looks like it is not finished painting the creatures, the reactions to the awesome monsters in question by their human actors feels forced and the whole film itself feels over the top and over amped to cash in on the moderate popularity of its predecessor Python.  A must for bad movie night, this film can be enjoyed around company, chips and a cold one.