Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Shark Week: Sharknado

Welcome back my readers to the absurd collection of tripe that is Shark Week.  For those just tuning in I am not referring to the informative and entertaining Discovery Channel week.  Oh no, this is the bottom rung of cinema shark movies that have such a farfetched plot device that you need a rod and reel to haul it back to some sense of reality.  But hey buck up!  They can’t all be THAT bad.   So grab yourself some goobers, a savory soft drink and relax in the easy chair.   This is Sharknado.

Hehe hides my woody.

Spoilers be in the water. Our spoilers.

From the collective asshats of Asylum Pictures (Transmorphers, The Terminators, Almighty Thor, Sherlock Holmes) comes a preposterous notion of a hurricane and from the CGI standing has to be a class 4 or 5, scoops up a wide variety of sharks from the sea and somehow hurls them about L.A.   SUSPEND DISBELIEF AND SCREW PHYSICS!!!!!   Now for those of you that may feel we are off to a very rocky start…well we are.  The Mockbusters have been difficult for me to digest as they take popular movies and make an even worse one. 

Do not bring your evil here.

Our movie opens with a shark fin soup connoisseur (Marcus Choi of Enchanted, Make Yourself at Home, Raising Hope, 40 Days and Nights and Graceland) and salty dog Captain Santtiago (Israel Saez de Miguel of Venom, Five, Green Card, Black Rice and Rise of the Dinosaurs) conclude a million dollar purchase of sharks as a giant hurricane (not a tornado) that proceeds to gobble up different species of shark and chuck them at 150 mph off the coast of Mexico and into Southern California.  Sharks come tumbling in buildings, bars, homes and around regions of Santa Monica without killing them outright from the sheer impact, speed and velocity they were traveling at.  SCREW PHYSICS!!!!!!

Eat it boy, eat it!

Our would be hero  surfer and bar owner Fin (Ian Ziering of Beverly Hills, 90210) whose Zen philosophy has him totally in tune with the waves points out the fast paced weather is not normal in that regards.  Like the calm seas and clear skies going suddenly cloudy and storm brewing.  Fin’s main earner Nova (Cassie Scerbo of Bring It On: In It to Win It, Dance Revolution, Make It or Break It and Teen Spirit) hold a secret loathing for sharks and her gill shaped scar indicates.  Looks like she was getting a wax with a cheese grater but no other portion of her leg or body had scar damage.  Oops.  One such homeowner is startled by the arrival of said shark April (Tara Reid of The Big Lebowski, American Pie, Van Wilder and Alone in the Dark) gets her living room up to about 4 feet of water and yet the swells managed to miss her front porch/ parking garage. Hmmm… oh right I forgot.  SUSPEND DISBELIEF!!!!
Tara over me? As if.

Okay just a few side notes on the film.  Given how laid back the Southern Californian is I had a bit of a difficult time buying them rallying and beating back the sharks.   Tossing a bomb from a helicopter to stop a hurricane seems logical too.  Oh did I mention John Heard (On the Yard, Heart Beat, Cutter’s Way, Home Alone and In the Line of Fire) in this as well?  Playing a rummy former surfer he belches his lines and sways.  

Oh weather is calm for a matter of 3 frames per second and then the skies darken like Gozer the Sumerian had arrived.  Continuity was not a big issue for this flick as streets varies on being bone dry one minute and then flooded the next. Oh and apparently Santa Monica beach houses have their own gyroscopic mounts or anti-gravity units because I didn’t see a single swell wipe them out…