Monday, July 15, 2013

Shark Week: Super Shark

Hello one and all and welcome to Shark Week: Bad Cinema Style.   This week will be reviewing the particular conglomerate of straight-to-DVD movies.  We will laugh, cry, curse and praise God that they are finally over and go out for a sensible meal.   So with that in mind let’s get this rodeo started from the title alone we are in for a world of hurt.  So grab your oxygen tank, prep your M-1 Garand and tell that fishy to smile you sonvua… This is Super Shark.

Screw you, physics!

Spoilers fly!!!

From the warped mind of Jiggly Girl exploitation be it sci-fi, horror or creature feature; Roger Corman’s protégé Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Venomous, Tomb of the Werewolf, The Bikini Escort, Solar Flare and Dire Wolf) dregs up from the salty depths of the ocean, YET ANOTHER prehistoric shark known primarily as the Megalodon due YET ANOTHER underwater oil rig drilling platform and releases and/or disturbs this ancient eating machine the size of two blue whales into a killing frenzy.   Relatively certain sonar would have picked that particular beasty up but hey we don’t need crazy things like logic and physics in our shark movie.
Think green ya jerks!

After ruthless Lex Luthor archetype Roger Wade (John Schneider of Dukes of Hazzard, Loving, Smallville, Lake Placid 2, Shark Swarm and Return of the Killer Schrews) finds his oil rig in tatters he gets violent and belligerent to all around him including his hapless comedic sidekick Stewart (Jerry Lacy of As the World Turns, The Young and the Restless, Dark Shadows, Play It Again, Sam, Chicken Soup for the Soul and Hatfields and McCoys: Bad Blood) screaming about the millions tied up in the investments and blah blah blah.    Meanwhile Marine Biologist Kat Carmichael (Sarah Lieving of The Hitchhiker remake, Cult, Carbon Copy, Lakeview Terrace, The Dunwich Horror and Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus) notices some vicious sea creature attacks in her findings that are previously unrecorded.  She will be our Matt Hooper archetype and try not to ignore her or she may swim up and bite you on the ass.  

Pretty sure my boy Clark will have this under wraps.

Of course this all takes place during a Fourth of July weekend so the beaches are packed with tourists, students and in general drunken yahoos.   Now come and suspend disbelief with me when we find out this shark can battle the humans on the land, the sea and even…the air.   Super Shark was not dropped in a self contained space ark created by Marlon Brando but appears to be a mutation or dare we say evolution in the species.   You will believe a shark can fly!!!  Well actually you will be more like myself in the many WTF moments this film projects.   Nigh invulnerable to bullets, bombs and other CGI vehicles this reign of terror shows no end in sight during the “Queen of the Beach” wrap party.   Oh and feel free to slap the DJ Dynamite Stevens (J.J. Walker of Good Times, Airplane, At Ease, Water and The Guyver) just for being in this turkey.  

The CGI is appalling with the exception of the underwater scenes,  our flying shark effects made me cough and choke on my sandwich as I viewed it and frankly the performances look very laxed.   Again if we were expecting anything but cheesy from a Fred Olen Ray film; then we clearly need to hang around more to the evolutionary bell curve and develop thumbs and brain cells.  Truly a Mystery Science Theater 3000 worthy material for mocking but do not view this film directly or you will have the IQ of a state senator or quite possibly a fairly smart cocker spaniel.

Git in ma belly!!!