BBC Miniseries: Death Comes to Pemberley

Hiya folks. Quick question for you. What do you get when you cross Jane Austin with Agatha Christie? Why a whirlwind of drama, deceit and quite possibly a murder or two. Crime writer P.D. James takes a childhood story and brings it to a dark place in her style not too disimilar to that of her detective novels starring P.C. Adam Dalgliesh. What horrors await Pemberley? This is Death Comes to Pemberley.

Dearest, the BBC ad is hurting my shins.

Six years after the happy ever after of Pride and Prejudice resulting in Mr. Darcy (Matthew Rhys of Titus, Brother & Sisters, Burnt, The Americans and Jungle Book) and Miss Bennet or Lizzy if you prefer (Anna Maxwell Martin of Midsomer Murders, North & South, Doctor Who, Bleak House, Becoming Jane, Free Agents, South Riding and The Night Watch) marrying, a formal celebration or ball if you will is under way bringing back several existing characters of said Austen title.

An argument between George Wickham (Matthew Goode of Match Point, Watchmen, A Single Man, Stoker, Dancing on the Edge, The Imitation Game, Pressure and The Good Wife) and Captain Denny (Tom Canton of Sh*tkicker, Death Comes to Pemberley and Blue Borsalino) in the carriage to said party with Elizabeth's sister Lydia (Jenna Coleman of Emmerdale, Waterloo Road, Xenoblade Chronicles, Captain America: The First Avenger, Titanic, Room at the Top, Doctor Who, Lego Dimensions and Victoria) stuck in the middle. The argument breaks out into a full on donnybrook as the two give chase into the woods.

So no tango lessons then, eh?

In no time at all, the crack of gunfire erupts twice filling the air around with cordite and the sound of two shots fired. News of this reaches Darcy who preps a search party to find the men in question when Wickham is found frantic and completely overwrought with what has become, clutching the limp body of Denny, blaming himself over and over for Denny's murder. The local um I believe the term was magistrate, Sir Hardcastle (Trevor Eve of Dracula, Shoestring, Lace, The Corsican Brothers, Shadow Chasers, Scandal, Parnell & the Englishwoman, Don't Get Me Started, Murder in Mind and Lawless) who does a precursor look about and claps Wickham in irons for murder.

Elizabeth keen to not see Wickham hang proceeds to deconstruct the events over the few days that may have lead to this meaningless death with cloak and dagger meetings, a sex scandal and possibly an illegitimate child. Will Wickham swing from the rafters? Can Elizabeth put off her festivities to save an innocent man? What will she uncover in the search for this truth.

This was an unusual viewing for me as I have not read the novel and going to rectify that tomorrow. A mixture of Midsomer Murders meets Pride and Prejudice. The language used still quite Edwardian that means a few blaggarts and rapscallions are well on their way. Once again the English whip our proverbial posteriors in time period drama as they have a country with hmm...castles, manors, hamlets and villages. Not to mention some exquisite manors.

Matthew Rhys and Anna Maxwell Martin completely dominate this 3 parter in every way from the regal clothing to the attitudes of the time piece. So if you happen to be an Austen fan and a lover of a good mystery or two, this one goes out to my readers as highly enjoyable and well-recommended. Yes, I am the guy that reviews slasher films. Your point being?

What do you mean I'm not allowed on Doctor Who anymore??!!

BBC Miniseries: Bleak House

Welcome back to BBC miniseries as we move into classical writings depicting the strengths and flaws in English men and women in Victorian London and can think of no other author of the time better to give a curt view of such a time than Charles Dickens. A long running legal case Jarndyce and Jarndyce, due to conflicting wills is drawn out to the point of madness showing a satire on the English judicial system and how bureaucracy can fail even the most noble of houses. This is Bleak House.

Hmm, Mulder is streaking in the rain again.

Our story is told from the eyes of its narrator and protagonist Esther Summerson (Anna Maxwell Martin of Enduring Love, North & South, Doctor Who, Becoming Jane, Poppy Shakespeare, Free Agents, The Night Watch and Death Comes to Pemberly) as she is Dickens' only female narrator in all his novels, novellas and short stories. Raised as an orphan under the cruel and heartless vigil of Miss Barbary (Kelly Hunter of The House of Eliott, Being Human, Resort to Murder, Hollow Reed, Life Force, Perfect Strangers, Henry VIII, Waking the Dead and Doctor Who).

Lady Dedlock (Gillian Anderson of The Turning, The Mighty, The X-Files, The House of Mirth, Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story, The Last King of Scotland, Closure, How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, Boogie Woogie and Any Human Heart) holds a secret of a previous affair with a man Captain Hawdon and a daughter by him. Sir Leicester Dedlock (Timothy West of Witch Hunt, Twisted Nerve, The Tragedy of King Richard II, The Day of the Jackal, Edward the King, The Devil's Advocate, Churchill and the Generals, Oliver Twist, When Are We Married, Brass and Framed) is blissfully unaware of this secret nagging at his wife's soul and conscience.

I hereby order the meeting of the powdered wig club to an end!

Concerned for his standing with this account and the well-being of his employer, lawyer or is it solicitor? Mr. Tulkinghorn (Charles Dance of Edward the King, For Your Eyes Only, The Jewel in the Crown, Plenty, The Golden Child, Hidden City, Alien 3, Last Action Hero and Game of Thrones), an odious, small minded man convinced that whatever Lady Hedlock has kept secret will be the downfall of Sir Hedlock and must be watched at all times, so far as he convinces her maid to keep him abreast to her goings on. What will become of this will? Will Esther ever be free of her class standing?? Will Lady Dedlock forgive herself of her previous affair??

The novel this is derived from spoke volumes for the need of a reform in the legal so much that it made its own re-evaluation in the 1870s. Directed by TV directors Justin Chadwick (Life Force, EastEnders, Red Cap, MI-5, The Other Boleyn Girl and Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom) and Susanna White (Holby City, Love Again, Teachers, Lie with Me, Jane Eyre, The Diary of a Nobody, Nanny McPhee Returns and Billions) this adaptation is viewed as a soap opera style of a series and I disagree. It was compelling, fast paced as much as it could be and showed many facets of humanity through in and throughout. While I have only seen the 1985 version prior to this, I feel its cast alone carries the story well on their shoulders and delivers the performance necessary for the piece. On a side note, I did get the biggest chuckle out of Guppy (Burn Gorman of Torchwood, The Runaway, The Hour, Up There, The Dark Knight Rises and Spies of Warsaw) and started laughing, shouting "OWEN LIIIIIIIIVES!!!!"

Come miss or we shan't meet the Doctor.

BBC Mini-Series: The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

A gentle greetings to my readers as today we try something a tad more cultured as compared to last week of jiggly girl anime. Dear lord that was painful to sit through. No, this week I took it upon myself to give us something a bit more stimulating, looking into our fellows across the pond. I have noticed thus far of my many recommendations to view this or listen to that, I have not been disappointed. This week shall consist of BBC Mini-Series. Commonly this is a feature via Television that is comprised of 6 episodes ranging roughly between 2 and a half hours to about 4. Today we look at that radio show, that became a series of books into a mini-series and then finally film. So grab your towel, pack your electronic thumb and don't panic. This is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Hmm forgot a line or did one of them break wind?

Brought to use by the Sci-Fi/Comedy stylings of the late Douglas Adams tells the tale of a unsuspecting ape descendant who no longer pick fleas of his guests. His name is Arthur Dent (Simon Jones of BBC2 Playhouse, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Reds, Brideshead Revisited, The Meaning of Life, Brazil, Black-Adder II, Shrinks and Twelve Monkeys) and someone is trying drive a by-pass through his home. His friend of long standing, Ford Prefect (David Dixon of Escort Girls, Heydays Hotel, The Tempest, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Circles of Deceit: Dark Secret, Original Sin, Holding On and The Bill) who is in fact from a small planetoid in the region of Betelgeuse and not from Gilford after all feels compelled to drag Arthur away from the impeding bulldozing for a drink and conversation.

Squaring away with the contractors on waiting until they return, Ford begins to tell Arthur of an impeding doom for Earth itself. A construction fleet of starships drop out of orbit, explain very nicely that the Earth is scheduled to be demolished for a new hyperspace bypass and it should only take a few minutes of their time. Arthur and Ford hitch a lift on board one of the ships via transmat beam as Ford explains he actually does research for a guide book allowing you to see all the marvels of the universe for no more than 40 Allterian dollars a day.

False advertisement. A fun plastic pal to be with, indeed.

Due an extremely painful embark on Vogon poetry, our heroes bluff their way through it only to be chucked into space via airlock without as so much as a by your leave. Possibly 20 seconds worth of air remaining, our twosome is scooped up by another vessel with an improbability of 2 to the power of 260199:1-0 that it is scarcely worth mentioning...unless you are rescued by Zaphod Beeblebrox (Mark Wing-Davey of The Third Part of King Henry VI, Richard III, A Winter Harvest, Big Deal, A Sort of Innocence, Resurrected, One Against the Wind and Final Fantasy XII) Ford's semi-cousin from 4 of his mothers and former galatic president and Trillian (Sandra Dickinson of Cover, Philip Marlowe, Private Eye, Triangle, The Lonely Lady, Supergirl, The Clairvoyant, The Two Ronnies, Eisenhower & Lutz, Blato and Space Truckers) an astrophysicist that Arthur once met at a party and failed to get anywhere with.

Life playing silly buggers with our cast of outcasts they traipse about the universe searching for the imponderables of life, the universe and everything. They are hunted, shot at, ridiculed and in general have quite the adventure in spite of Marvin the paranoid and manically depressed android (Stephen Moore of Play for Today, Rough Cut, Diversion, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Where the Boys Are, The Last Place on Earth, The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 3/4, Small World and Thompson).

Originally a 12 part radio play written by Douglas Adams while writing for Doctor Who at the time, the actual voice cast joins the mini-series with the exception of Jeffrey McGiven was replaced by David Dixon. A last minute replacement playing the Dish of the Day at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe was Peter Davison of Doctor Who fame suggested by his now ex-wife Sandra Dickinson.

I'm not getting you down, am I?

Anime Absurdity: High School DxD

Just when you thought it was safe to read this blog from sure ridiculousness...Day 4 of Anime Absurdity is on. Shockingly enough this particular review will revolve around a horny teenage boy and bodacious demon girls and how to snare them all. Yup, screw morality, decency and anything wholesome. The key to this series is how much demon booty one can sample. This is High School DxD.

Tee hee...boobies

Our story centers on Issei Hyoudou, a young lad with more hormones than brain cells from Kuoh Academy who is...murdered on his first date? Okay review over! I can go! Wha? Oh crap, there's more to it, isn't there? Le sigh. He is resurrected as a devil by his fallen angel date Rias Gremory so he may serve her and her whole devil family.

He is clearly not maintaining eye contact.

Issei finds out that an all-out war has been happening for centuries against the angels, fallen angels and devils. This constant source of battling seems to almost have died down as of late and many of the three factions have either died or ceased to be. They've expired to meet their maker!! I am pretty sure I had more Monty Python references but I cannot be bothered.

After his untimely demise and reincarnation, Issei joins the Occult Research Club to ascend up the devil ranks so he may fulfill his dreams of building his own harem and becoming a Harem King. Yeah I did just actually write that. I'm not happy about it either.

So let's recap. Creator Ichiei Ishibumi established this universe for pent-up 14 year-old boys' mentality of how to interact with young women and what is to be expected of his/her prowess...oh yeah and demons, angels and fallen angels are squabbling amongst each other. With copious amounts of jiggling, nonsensical violence and grotesque creatures of Hell, Issei and his collective of cuties need to keep up their strength through large quantities of sex. Such a surprise. With a fair amount of nudity, suggested sexual situations and comical amounts of poorly dubbed dialogue it almost makes me want to watch it in Japanese language with English subtitles. Oh who the hell am I kidding? I want to get away from this level of stupid ASAP.

So if you are a sexually repressed 17 year-old boy with more than laughable viewpoint on how to interact with the opposite sex, then have at this series. If you happen to possess more brain cells than the average horn dog you will find this slaphappy horsecrap to be painful to sit through.

Issei? why aren't you staring at my breasts?

Anime Absurdity: Sekirei

And welcome back everyone for another helping of Anime Absurdity. This particular show was bizarre, ever so jiggly and made me wonder if anime can survive without breast jiggling and and exorbitant panty shots. No joke, there is alot of these in this series so yippie I guess. With the literal translation into English as Wagtail, it is a tad difficult to take it seriously so I am not even gonna bother to try. This is Sekirei.

MANGA SMOOOoOoOoOCH!!!

It the far away future of 2020, (4 whole years!!!) 19 year old Minato Sahashi a brilliant but easily conflicted youth has failed his college entry exams twice. A few days later, Minato meets a girl that fell from the sky known as Musubi. She claims to be a Sekirei (superpowered creatures with a different genetic code from that of humans and usually in the form of buxom young girls or extremely handsome young men) who has chosen Minato as her Ashikabi (humans with a specific genetic code that allows the Sekirei to be empowered through fluid contact via kissing or sexual intercourse) to whom she will serve and commence ridiculous anime over-to-top combat with fellow Sekirei as the the plan, the "Sekirei Plan" organized by the chairman and CEO Professor Hiroto Minakaof the MBI Corporation. He has abilities like randomly appearing on people's Tvs and commenting to them directly via telecommunications link. It's a two-way link so who knows when he is peeping in. Note to self, don't have TV in bathroom or bedroom.

Yup folks, you are in for a few doozies. So a spaceship crashed in 1999, and was discovered by two students walking in the woods in Kamikura Island, Hiroto Minaka and Takami Sahashi. The two naturally go aboard the wrecked ship to Scooby Doo it out and discover embryos and 108 creatures of life. Mostly baby birds.

Men just tossing themselves after this girl.

MBI Corporation has bought up Toyko as a sort of ground zero combatant zone allowing the 108 lifeforms to duke it out and prove their genetic worth. A complete media shutdown does not allow the Sekirei to leave Toyko so they must do battle within the confines of the game zone. The Sekirei must seek and find 8 artifacts of mysterious origin but they will be drawn to them giving them the power of the Jinki (God Instrument) . If all the Chaos Emeralds,er um I mean Infinity Stones...no wait. I mean the Seven Seals. Yeah skipping on, it will allow that Sekirei wielder to eliminate all other Sekirei. Minato is rescued by Musubi and must prepare for the three stages.

Stage 1, the Sekirei are prepped and released into the wild if you will. They are required to find Ashikabi for their power boost and will develop...wings? I am guessing for better coverage of panty shots. Stage 2, Neither Sekirei nor Ashikabi may be allowed to leave Tokyo until defeating at least one Sekirei.

Stage 3, is a serie of battle royale matches between various Ashikabi for right to harness the one of the Jinki. For some reason only the Ashikabi are allowed to weild these until the end of the stage and advance further. The final round allows the remaining Ashikabi to take their Sekirei back to Kamikura Island and fight for the final prize. Yeah so the few that remain, will battle to the last giving them the right to ascend to Heavenly Palace and title of ultimate winner. Who knows, Highlander? Who knows.

The overall story line is fascinating to watch as both Sekirei and Ashikabi interact in combat, duels and in general life itself. There is no direct set of rules they must follow and there are more than enough upskirt shots to amuse the most basic of pervs and the flexing man beasts roaming about seem to have a bit of an impact as well. So yeah not exactly certain who this show is for other than NOT FOR KIDS.

Eyes up here.  Pervs.

Anime Absurdity: Lupin the IIIrd: Jigen's Gravestone

Howdy folks, so Tuesday was evil brain issues, yesterday I had to grab a nerve block shot and host my first visited podcast for Rotten Ramblin' On. That is getting processed right now so hopefully the director Dustin Ferguson and his friends, family and co-workers have a good time with it. That being said, back to the anime. Today's flick we follow the legendary thief Lupin the third, with Jigen getting into typical mischief as they are out for treasure, the Little Comet. This is Lupin the 3^rd: Jigen's Gravestone.

Those pesky Mormons will follow you anywhere.

Partnered up for the latest gig, Lupin and Jigen are catching up after Fujiko Mine, Jigen has just left a bodyguard engagement where the queen of fictional land of West Doroa, was killed by a sniper that has a gravestone issued for each of his victims before he kills them. Lupin and Jigen give chase for this assassin they discovered is Yael Okuzaki has left a headstone for Jigen. The clock is tickling, our assassin is hot on their trail taking his time and playing with his opponent for the simple fact he really gets a challenge let alone a fellow professional to combat with. He also lets fate decide how many bullets he will use rolling a six-sided die to determine how many shots will be needed.

This film has kind of a different from the typical heist film, we have some great shootouts, an excellent car chase and well a sort of slip and slide and downright filthy dance and BDSM number with Fujiko with some sort of bot, lubricants and metallic tentacles. Yeah folks, this is definitely NOT for the kiddies. Pops or Inspector Zenigata does not get a huge part in the particular film and that irked me so.

Fujiko remembers she is wearing more clothes than her contract allows.

Shockingly enough Fujiko is at the very castle after Little Comet and the dirt on East Doroa's effects in social, political and economic offering info in kick backs, pay offs and all sorts of incrimination but...Fujiko gets abducted several men in elaborate masks that drop her in with said robot for whatever warped hentai scenario was on the rise. Now why Goemon is not around for this outing is being me. Guess the swordmaster had other things to do this time.

Can Lupin save his friends, get the try and find out who hired Okuzaki thus putting a stop to him? It's a pretty tall order but hey, it's Lupin.

The story's overall vibe follows the Monkey Punch traits of perversion on Lupin's behalf, some light comedy interspersed with drama, some action and good times to be had.

As a fan of the franchise, I took away that this was more geared towards adults and really allows for future takes and continuation. It's got a decent story, the action is packed and a good steady pace for the film. Our Japanese and English voice cast know what they're doing giving each signature character the nearest equivalent of that of the series has been. Not a bad flick so dig up Jigen's Gravestone when you have the chance.

Seems quiet enough.

Anime Absurdity: Rosario + Vampire

Welcome back to the week! Again sorry for the lay over to Sunday but I only possess so much energy...and migraines are a bitch. Moving on, we are taking a look at some of the more popular animes of the last 10 years. Thankfully I have narrowed down some titles thanks to some of my Anime friends and it was most appreciated. Today we look at school life as a teenager but with the difference being I think the student body may be a bit more than expected. This is Rosario + Vampire.

So, has Oz changed much Jack Pumpkinhead?

Average student Tsukune has failed entry exams for almost every school in Japan. When it looks like Tsukune will have to be home taught, his father finds a flyer on their doorstep for the Youkai Academy. For the rest of the round eyes confused on this word, Youkai (Japanese folklore of monsters, spirits and demons) so a world of wonder and utter madness await our unsuspecting lad. Now often the manga and the anime with diverge into different presentations of the story but in this case they show more of the root of their being but there is not a lot of indept examination of the characters themselves. Crossing from home and through a tunnel of the bright sun shining day, is a realm of lava moats, castles and darkness. Ahh King Bowser is at work! Ominous crows and a dark woodland forest path later, the foolish lad sallies forth into this disturbing castle. At no point does the brain, instinct or every good ole' fashion fear kicking warning him. Admiral Ackbar nowhere to be found screaming, "It's a trap!" so the boy is left to his own devices.

Cue jingle sound and twinkly lights.

Concerned for his well-being Tsukune is attempting to skip out of school and run for the hills (Cue Iron Maiden) until he run smack dab into Moka Akashiya, the most loveliest girl his lids ever have to clap eyes on. The naive but good natured teen seems smitten by her and proceeds to hang out with her when he realizes there is something different about her...oh yes it could be her fangs.

Many a comedic moment in this series offering up monsters galore both male and female and because of Tsukune's good nature, the girls seem to gravitate to him. Maybe it is innocent blood, his heart will make a wonderful sacrifice to a dark deity and the like but he needs to fight them off with a crucifix and a stick. Apparently the boy's pheromone signature drives the girls crackers as he is actively pursued by a succubus, a witch and an ice creature. And before you menfolk ask, yes there is booby, upskirt jokes and many a time of them running around in their bra and panties. So glad we got that all cleared up.

With a great animation, wonderful music and voice work being top notch it is not too difficult to figure out what drew most folks to the series. The monsters vary in multiple folklore as we have lizard men, a fiery fox creature, mermaids, werewolves all with hair colors in their humanoid forms ranging in colors of the rainbow to only ones I have seen in yarn. Moka's flashbacks about Human scholastic are a bit on the vague, I was hoping to see a goofy mob of pitchforks and torches but alas none came to pass. I do love the talking bats that announce they're talking bats. Yup a momentary distraction from the action scenes, love scenes or general chaos. 

Yikes, he's got that Legend of the Overfiend look in his eye.

 

Exploitation Encore: Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl

Heya folks! No this is not me starting up the next week, this is more "Hey Jake, you didn't post anything on Friday nor did you make it up to us Saturday. The hell, man??!!!" Well my ears ring and are bleeding from the cries of those I have wronged. Truth be told had a couple family days this weekend and felt I had more energy than I actually possessed. So today I sat down and gave the last of the week's film its due. I'm so glad I sat down to watch this gore fun fest of continuous screwy. No, why would I lie? So from FX artist/writer/director Yoshihiro Nishimura and director/screenwriter Naoyuki Tomomatsu (The Machine Girl, Tokyo Gore Police and Samurai Princess: Devil Princess) comes the goofy feel good comedy of 2009...oh wait I was watching this. This is Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl.

Alas poor Sho Kosugi, I knew his films well.

Yeah that was just a sentence I uttered. Based on the manga of same title from Shungicu Uchida (Shiirakansu Brains, Nami no Ma Ni Ma Ni, A Personal Affair, Kedarui Yoru ni and Omae no Kaa-chan Bitch!) is the tale of the typical high school crushing of a teenage girl named Monami (Yukie Kawamura of The Scissors Massacre, Hide and Go Kill 2, Hanaoni, Lost Crime, King Game,Virgin and Sister Game) who is smitten by a young boy Jyugon (Takumi Saito of The Total Number of 3000 Juvenile Delinquents, For Love's Sake, Boys on the Run, Someday at a Place in the Sun, The Brothers Karamazov, Specialist 2 and The Ninja War of Torakage) oh and did I mention Monami is a vampire? This is not gone unnoticed by Keiko (Eri Otoguro of Shinri, Shutter, Shaolin Girl, Overflowing and Kamen Rider Wizard in Magic Land) leader of the Lolitas, daughter of the vice-principal and claiming Jyugon as her own. Monami's blood is mixed with a chocolate making Jyugon a half-vampire now and the cat fight ensues.

Man, that girl has a serious overbite.

Meanwhile lower grade students are disappearing for horrific experimentation such as, a modern-day Frankenstein's monster if you will made by some saucy albeit psychotic nurses and a surgeon decked out like a kabuki performer. Yeah that was also a sentence I had to write and nope, can't say I feel right about it. Keiko confronts Monami a quick squabble happens and then Keiko makes quite the swan dive head first. Kabuki surgeon works his magic and brings Keiko back with fresh parts. The battle begins! Who will win Jyugon's heart? How is this school's faculty this dense? Why haven't the students explained all this to their parents for immediate transfer?

A quick couple of points for this film. This is not PC so you will see over exaggerated Ganguro (yeah that is girls in blackface, fashion and hair made into afros) girls, a gang made up of Lolitas(girls roaming about in Victorian and Edwardian apparel) and authority figures such as teachers and police waaaaay over the top. They make fun of the awkwardness of being a teenager, wrist cutting and how one's behavior will weigh in honor on family. Also the fast paced zooming and quick 360 pans were killing my head. Vampires can also manipulate blood and fashion it as melee weapons. Good to know. 85 minutes of crazy antics, warped sense of humor and just down right bizarre anime style live action.

Frankendolly!

Exploitation Encore: Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror

Well howdy all! Yeah I need to change up my greetings from time to time. Welcome back for Day 4 of Exploitation Encore and it wouldn't be an proper exploitation week with at least one underrated Italian horror film. Well I have sat through my fair share of zombie movies. 378 of them thus far. From the eerie creation of Lucio Fulchi's Zombi to George Romero's Dead creations that gave shape to the subgenre to even the unusual genius of Serbia's Milan Konjevic, a guy that financed his own zombie movie from his created comic book series: Generation Tesla, Dusk Fighters and Romero to bring us Zone of the Dead. That all being said, I have not encountered a zombie film quite like this on its disturbing content and lucky me it has alternative titles. This is Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror a.k.a. The Zombie Dead a.k.a. The Nights of Terror a.k.a. Nights of Terror a.k.a. Zombi Horror and Zombie 3- Die Ruckkehr der Zombies.

Italian Gene Wilder is having a devil of a night.

As this is an Italian zombie movie expect names you never heard of if you have left the subgenre alone. Written by Piero Regnoli (Lust of the Vampire, Navajo Joe, Burial Ground, Nightmare City,Urban Warriors, Bronx Executioner and Voices from Beyond) combine forces with director Andrea Bianchi (What the Peeper Saw, Cry of a Prostitute, Strip Nude for Your Killer, Exciting Love Girls, The Seduction of Angela, Maniac Killer, Massacre and Fleshy Doll) tells us the tale of the nosy professor and his jet setting aristocrats dealing with roving bands of the undead. Professor Ayres (Raimondo Barbieri of Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror and The Third Solution) an archeologist cut from the same cloth as Professor Knowby of Evil Dead tampered in a domain best left alone. Thankfully no demonic book bound in human flesh or inked in human blood. So no real need for story telling or character build up, we get right with the professor unleashing denizens of hell right off the bat. Granted he could have skibbled back to the castle, lock it down and prep some boiling oils to burn them or just stand by and wait for Ben of Night of the Living Dead to save his fuzz ridden ass but we don't have time for rational solutions.

Italian Sid Haig looks down at his latest victim.

Our three couples have arrived in the nearby villa at the request of the professor who was planning on pumping them all for some Euro to better fund his remarkable discovery of reanimating corpses decades possibly centuries old. Practical investment clearly. It was either this or Sega Dreamcast and we all know folks rather have the zombies than a few titles more for a game console.

Now our zombies have a few issues as the masks and hands are made up but clearly you can see exposed skin on the neck where they are just masks. The gore effects are standard for the day and not bad at that. The day time shots are were I am confused as I thought this would be more of a night of terror rather than a close to supper time of terror. Now the one truly bizarre thing that exists in this flick unlike any other zombie movie is little Michael. Pietro Barzocchini or "Peter Bark" is ten year old Michael or so the director wants you to believe. This guy is in his late twenties, early thirties as a dwarf playing a child and I guess that works considering the weird incestual groping and smooching mom scene. Later as a zombie he proceeds to gnaw down one of her breasts as well. Spoiler? Aw jeepers I do apologize for that inconvenience but no one can make it up to me for sitting through this obscure reel to reel. I mean zombies and an Oedipal story line? Not even sure where to go after that one.

All of this is shot in Rome so you get to see the ancient amphitheaters, ruins and the castle is the real mccoy. No joke, the castle is real and they managed to film all of this in four weeks time. Knocking out at 85 minutes it wasn't brilliant by any real stretch but it did have its own flavor to the zombie standing. Had this been stateside, maybe our would-be survivors would have been hiding out in a Civil War fort with boomsticks and old school gore spikes duct taped to the end of them. One can dream.

Psst lady, get me a 40, some beef jerky and a Hustler.

Exploitation Encore: Amazon Jail

Hey there, gang. Y'know with today's title being as blatant as it is you would think this would be a candidate for multiple titles or Also Known As but alas this is not the case. This week of Exploitation Encore, I took random titles out and have no idea what each are until the research machine is in high gear and I sit down and peer at it in terror. Welp, shockingly enough I have managed to latch onto an obscure WIP flick so lucky me. WIP (Women in Prison) normally get very nude, force bisexuality and have other such graphic scenes with it so you can imagine that most women reading this, are shaking their collective heads in disgust. Ladies, I'm sorry but sometimes it is just the roll of the die on what I am stuck viewing. Hailing from Brazil and dubbed in English from the native Portuguese comes director Oswaldo de Oliveia's (Bare Behind Bars, The Brothel- Nights Prohibited and Boarding Virgin Girls) opus. This is Amazon Jail.

What do you mean this isn't the set for Black Mama, White Mama?

Shot in Brazil because...the cinematographers were afraid of Candiru swimming up their urethra...I guess, our feature opens with a very jaunty tune as the girls are being flown in under false pretenses. Gasp! In a women in prison film?!!  Well this is a twist! The promise of work has lured many a young and lovely girl to Brazil er um I mean the Amazon which in fact turns out to be a load of crap and the women are kidnapped and forced into a sex slavery for wealthy business tycoons that fly in just to get their jollies on. The dastardly duo that control the impromptu prison, Edgar (Sergio Hingst of Um Anjo Mau, Uma Tarde Outra Tarde, As Cangacerias Eroticas, Incesto, Touchy and Doramundo) and his wife Helena (Elizabeth Hartman of Uma Pistola para Djeca, Diabolicos Herdeiros, Macho e Femea, Senhora, Cinderela 77 and Boarding Virgin Girls) who run a tight ship with their bamboo like prison huts that look poorly constructed. By myself, it looks like I could tip it over but hey I didn't write the flick.

I don't want to even see Edgar's YELP review on his piss poor management skills, forced orgies and labor disputes. That will be a stern letter I can tell you.

 

 

Can't hear ya bub, I'm enjoying a single malt.

As this film is clearly written for deviant men and angry as hell lesbians we really don't have to struggle to understand the plot but my favorite over-the-top actors are the sweaty mustachio slave wrangler who didn't seem to have a name. No kidding he doesn't even have a name listed in IMDB aside from his own and the gay Satanist priest. I have to be honest, out of curiousity I gotta hear this guy's sermons at least once. Even Lucifier must have made a double take. Our quick thinking sex slaves Betty (Sandra Graffi of Anarquia Sexual, Amor Estranho Amor, As Safadas and Amazon Jail) and Liz (Elys Cardoso of Delicias do Sexo. Mulheres...Mulheres, Amor Estranho Amor, Vadias Pelo Prazer and Amazon Jail) decided they have partook of several orgies too many and hatch a scheme to get them free and get a little payback by...seducing the guards. BRILLIANT! No one would see that backfire at all. Now fellas, try not get upset but nudity doesn't kick in for 5 minutes. I know, I know. That can be a huge wait period for some of you but you just have knuckle down and accept it happening. Will Edgar get his just desserts?? Will the girls escape only to be eaten by piranha??

Let's see, from a technical standpoint the camera work looks clumsy and probably should not have been handheld, the lighting is piss poor and the whole editing process looks like it didn't really adhere to continuity or logic. In some cases it looks like scenes were clipped out so we could progress right to a lesbian scene so the audience didn't get bored. Characters are introduced suddenly vanish without any follow-up and our pure of heart good girls suddenly are vindictive and heartless overnight without any rhyme or reason to it.

So if you are looking for no story but plenty of shower scenes, lesbian encounters, cat fights and half-naked women sloshing through the jungle then this is a must. If you require any actual story arc, developed characters and subplots that match up all the while still have some scantily clad girls, I would recommend Savage Sisters directed by Eddie Romero. FYI, if this jiggly fest wasn't enough for you, worry ye not. Oswaldo de Oliveia made more than 20 flicks of similar standing.

Yes! Motorboat me on the way to Hell!!!

Exploitation Encore: Razorback

Well this should be different. Hiya guys and gals and welcome back for Day 2 of Exploitation Encore. Now as many of you know, I have sat through some piles of recycled dog farts claiming to be a cinematic release. I have endured the sexploitiation, Women in Prison, Blaxploitation, biker flicks and even the horror genre of exploitation. Hell I have viewed a few of the Naziploitations which...most were less than savory but this is a new notion for me. Ozploitation. Yup today we have a feature centered around Australia and one of its deadly predators but as Arnold says, "If it bleeds, then we can kill it." He may have been referring to the gigantic 7 foot 2 inch and late Kevin Peter Hall of Predator and Harry and the Hendersons but I may be wrong. This is Razorback.

Hakuna Matata!!!

Written by novelist/screenplay writer Peter Brennan (Razorback, Marilyn: The Last Word, Boxing: A Different Look, The Story First: Behind the Unabomber and The MoShow) and screenplay writer Everett De Roche (Patrick, Road Games, Razorback, Something in the Air, Stingers, Cybergirl and Storm Warning) and lastly directed by Russell Mulcahy who brought us Highlander!!! YAY!!!! Of course he also directed Highlander II: The Quickening so yeah there's that, comes a tale from the land down under for a different kind of vengeful animal feature or creature feature if you will. We have seen sharks, grizzlies, intelligent or cursed or even rabid dogs but a boar has to be a bit odd by comparison. There are many a subplot that ties fairly well together so let's get started. Old man Jake Cullen (Bill Kerr of Gallipoli, The Year of Living Dangerously, The Coca-Cola Kid, Sweet Talker, The River Kings, Snowy and Clowing Around 2) has been actively pursuing this killer boar since it snagged his grandson oh so many years ago. One day he'll get that filthy animal... no wait, that was a Bigfoot porn. Yeah I have reviewed a lot of crazy stuff over the years.

Gotta show me bewbs.  Part of the contract.

Aspiring reporter Beth Winters is down in Gamulla shooting a story about a local dog food packing plant on the tip that the meat may be poached kangaroos. She up and disappears sending her husband Carl (Gregory Harrison of Trapper John, M.D., Oceans of Fire, North Shore, Falcon Crest, The Family Man, Body Chemistry II: Voice of a Stranger and A Family Torn Apart) into a blind panic and desperately arrived to town in search of her. Jake thinks the Baker Brothers, known poachers may have a hand in Beth's disappearance and lends a hand to Carl in his time of need. Just so we are clear, the old man is the film's bad ass. Make no mistake about it.

Will the boar be on Jake's wall? Can Carl keep his cool? Do the Baker Boys ever bathe?

Now to warn folks this is no way shape or form politically correct. We have countless stereotypes, the hillbilly Baker Brothers (They're the less fabulous ones), to the anal retentive animal rights activist of which (Spoilers!) gets attacked and eaten by the boar. Oh irony, you are a pleasant and thorough mistress. The action, gore and damage is all practical effects and the animatronic model razorback was costing about $250 grand to build for about 15 minutes overall in the flick. Amusingly enough the very same boar head was stripped down and had fur added to it so it could be used in Howling III: Marsupials. This is Russell Mulcahy's first feature and it is grossly underrated. Given the fair degree of violence, mild nudity and in general horror feel, I'd skip this one for the kids' viewing.

Damn varmits in my pot fields again!

Exploitation Encore: Lady Cocoa

Hiya folks, I'm back. Where did I go? Working on my novel and didn't want to ruin the flow. Yeah I do write more than just reviews of films, TV and video games. Well I checked rottenreelzreviews@gmail.com and got absolutely...zero responses on what I should be writing. It's there folks. Give it a message or two. You can also reach me at Rotten Reelz Reviews on Facebook or hey a nutty idea would be to leave a message on the blog Rotten Reelz Reviews at blogspot.com. This week's theme a fall back to exploitation. Worry not my readers, I shan't be delving into nunsploitation (and yes that is a sub sub-genre of exploitation evolving nuns sexually or with violence) but we will keep the venue fairly board and open. Today's flick involves prison, ratting on mobsters and some racketeering. This is Lady Cocoa.

So damn bored.

Starring role of Coco is played by the First Lady of Las Vegas, Lola Falana (A Man Called Adam, Quando dico che ti amo, Black Tigress, The Mod Squad, The New Bill Cosby Show, The Streets of San Francisco, The Klansman, The Love Boat and Mad About You) who amazingly is not singing, "Whatever Lola wants, Lola Gets" but is playing Coco, a young woman rotting in prison for a year and a half for contempt of court and non-cooperation with the Feds as they are moving in on her mobster boyfriend Eddie (James A Watson Jr of Returning Home, Police Woman, Wonder Woman, Goldengirl, Quincy M.E., Airplane II: The Sequel, and The Rockford Files: I Still Love L.A.)

Psst, the old guy stinks.  B.O. big time.

Coco finally cops to flipping on Eddie so long as her conditions are met. She wants out of prison for a night on the town before having to testify in court the next morning...so have a bender in Reno gambling, drinking and dancing the night away before testifying in a courtroom. Yup, sounds reasonable to me. So what does the DA do to keep their nitwit tattletale alive? Does the girl get surrounded by 30 some odd bodyguards?? Nay, she gets Old Guy that is 3 months from retirement Ramsey (Alex Dreier of The Boston Strangler, Chandler, Sweet, Sweet Rachel and Murdock's Gang) a rookie from pounding the pavement beat cop turned detective...Doug (San Francisco 49ers Wide Receiver Gene Washington) Yeah not the equivalence of SWAT or hell if I was the DA I would have hired a team of mercs to keep this twit alive but instead, two whole cops.

Polyester and suede is the name of the game as it is almost everywhere in Reno. Have not seen that much vinyl outside of a record store. (Yup I am old or something something) Coco tries putting the moves on Doug almost instantly as they have to share a hotel room for expenses...of course if the DA was that worried about cost, the would-be couple would have to bunk with Old Guy who snores like a log-saw jammed in an oak tree.

Is Coco on the up and up? Will "Doug" fall for her charms? Can Old Guy make it to retirement?

Prior to Lady Cocoa, Gene Washington did star in Black Gunn with Joe Brown and The Black Six with then and here Pittsburgh Steelers Defensive Tackle "Mean Joe"Greene. Alas similar to The Black Six, Joe got no lines at all. Mind you a 6 foot 4 260 lb beast of a man doesn't need to say much and just glare.

Better not let them know I'm counting cards.